Chapter 6
"Please come in, Brother Matthew. Make yourself comfortable."
"Thank you Abbot Francis. I'll keep working on the make yourself comfortable part."
The Abbot smiled. "I can understand that. You've only been here about a year and are just beginning your two-year novitiate. It takes a while for us really to settle into the monastic life. I'm still working on it after more than thirty-five years."
"Well, then, I guess there's hope for me."
"Oh sure, lots of hope," said the Abbot with warmth and encouragement in his voice. ABy the way, Brother, are you still taking your Chinese medicinal herb formula, An Mien Pien?@
AI do when I remember Abbot Francis. It helps me to sleep and keep those feelings of panic away.@
"Good, but we need to do our inner work too. You're soon to have a birthday, aren't you Brother Matthew?"
"That's right Abbot Francis; in a few days I'll be twenty-four."
How much he's packed into his young life, thought the Abbot. College for computer programming, engaged and almost married, and a year or two checking out the Catholic Traditionalist Movement--a splinter group of the Roman Catholic Church that represents the opposite end of the spectrum from Beth's point of view. And his singing voice! He sounds like an angel in the oratory, such a contrast to what is going on within him.
"Brother, you know you can come and talk with me any time."
"Yes, Abbot Francis, I understand that. But you're so busy; I hate to take up your time. And really, I haven't had any major problems in a while. At first the silence was pretty intense here and I was lonely, but I've come to terms with a lot of that-- and the nightmares are stopping, which, I suppose, is a sign of healing."
"It can be, Matthew, or it can be a sign of repression. We need to make sure that your choice of not only this lifestyle, but of your response to the changes in the Church since Vatican Council II is something which is genuine for you. You were pretty wrapped up in the traditionalist movement and if that's where you need to be, so be it. But if you're here, you need to be here heart and soul." The novice's large sky blue eyes filled with fear and the energy in the room felt as of the curly auburn hair on the top of his head was standing straight up.
"Are you asking me to leave, Abbot Francis?"
"No. No, not at all. You're a fine person and a real asset to our community. I just want you to do what is truly in your heart. The nightmares are an indication that you need to listen to something that you have not been listening to."
"But I told you they've stopped--pretty much."
"That may be the case, but have they been replaced with insomnia?" With that, the novice monk began to sob from his soul. "Matthew, you're falling asleep in the oratory and even at meals. You've lost a considerable amount of weight and you don't look happy. How about writing down your nightmares and we can process them? Catch whatever you can of them, even if it's only fragments. Dreams are something like DNA; you only need a minute sample to be able to break the code."
"I'm afraid to do that, Abbot Francis, because then you'll really think I'm crazy and throw me out on my ear."
"Brother, I can't say what I'll think because I haven't seen them yet, but I do know that I've dealt with many, many people regarding their nightmares and it has been a life-giving and freeing experience. So please try to trust the Lord who seems to have lead you here. It may be that God is trying to enlighten you, to raise your awareness to some conflicts within you so that you can be at peace about them and not waste all your energy burying issues. Only in the place of healing do we dare to show our wounds. Any wounding you feel will bring new life. That was the experience of Jesus. What do you say?"
"Well, I suppose that my head's going to be completely covered with bumps if I let it fall on my choir stall one more time during Liturgy of the Hours and I'm going to burn my nose if I fall into my soup again," he laughed and blew his nose and coughed, still trying to mask his tears of fear and resignation.
"Sleep, Matthew; let the nightmares happen and write them down. Jot down some old ones too if you remember them and we'll talk again in a few days. Now go with God's peace and blessing."
"Thank you, Abbot Francis, for giving me a chance."
"And thank you, Matthew, for giving God a chance."