Darkness
I open my eyes.
At least, I think I did it, but I can’t feel them.
Everything is darkness around me.
I’ve never seen such a deep darkness. There’s no single clarity! Nothing!
Oh, God... I’m blind!
I try to take my hands to the eyes. I can’t!
I try to feel my arm. Where is it?
I can’t feel my legs, I can’t feel my body...
Am I dead?
If this is death... oh, my God! WHERE AM I?
Jesus!
I try to remember who I am, but I can’t.
Nevertheless I am a human being (or, at least, I have already been one...)
Am I dead??? MY GOD, ANSWER!!!
MYGODMYGODMYGODMYGOD!!!
I can’t stand not knowing what I am. This sensation is horrible.
I close my eyes (I think I did; I don’t know...).
Sleep.
I’m awake again.
Nohing changed. Darkness is still there.
(Did I had any accident and am still in a coma on a hospital’s bed?)
How much time has passed? One second? One millenium? Whatever. I’ve no idea.
I am calmer... nothing else is hurting, so it’s all right.
I have just noticed I can’t feel my breath.
SHITSHITSHITSHIT!
I’m really dead! It’s not possible!
I don’t remember when I died (if I died)... do I exist?
Someone, someday, said “I think, therefore I am” (how come did I remember this?). So, I shall exist. I don’t know either where or when or what or how... but I do.
(I must be in hell. There is no other explanation. This is not from God.)
The things which pass through my head...
How can I remember them all if I don’t even know who I am?
I don’t ever remember if I am a man or a woman!
WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?
Why did it happen to me?
Am I a Fallen Angel? Am I quiting any debit that I have made against any merciless God?
Not even Satan deserves something like this.
I count sheep (what a joke! I don’t know what I am, but I know what sheeps are...).
Nothing happens.
I can’t sleep.
(Am I sleeping and going through an eternal nightmare in some stopped second in a dream?)
I’LLGOMADI’LLGOMADI’LLGOMAD!!!
DON’T WANNA FEEL THIS ANYMORE! GOD!!!
SET ME FREE FROM THIS SENSATION! I WANNA DIE NORMALLY!
(Maybe this is normal death, and everybody goes through it...)
That’s not possible.
What’s worth thinking if I can’t do anything with my thoughts?
I can’t move.... I can’t breathe... I can’t see... I DON’T KNOW WHO (OR WHAT) I AM!
If I am dead... I WANNA BE DEAD AT ALL!!!
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
I try not to think about it. It is hard.
My last mental explosion just didn’t work.
I’m still awake (sleeping?), thinking (dreaming?), surrounded by the most eternal darkness (dead?).
(Not even a blind person should be drawn in such a deep darkness! He must feel any light, any bright [or the heat on his face]).
I don’t feel anything.
Neither heat nor cold. Neither hungry nor thirsty.
I don’t know if I’m lying on the floor or floating in a vacuum in the space...
I don’t know how much time has passed since the last time I woke up for the first time.
(Time doesn’t have a meaning anymore...)
I started feeling something...
Lightly, starting somewhere (where I think my stomach is, as if I still had one).
This feeling is unexplainable. It’s like it wasn’t there.
But somehow it is.
Little by little it starts overwhemling me, insidiously...
It’s difficult to describe it... (hungry? sleep? Pain? Pleasure? – what is it, then?)
It’s each time stronger.
I’d like to know what it is.
I close my eyes.
I open my eyes.
At least, I think I did it, but I can’t feel them.
Everything is darkness around me.
I’ve never seen such a deep darkness. There’s no single clarity! Nothing!
Oh, God... I’m blind!!!