Missing
Tanya arises in front of me as if she was formed from the darkness surrounding her. Smiling, she reaches her hand out towards me and says: “Hi Darling.”
“Oh Tan, is it really you?”
“Yes it’s me, I’m safe.”
“Where are the kids?”
“They’re downstairs darling.”
“Where are we though?”
“We’re home Ryan, you don’t need to worry anymore, we’ve been with you the whole time.”
“Home? Being my new home?”
“Yeah, Mulberry Lane where else would we be? We’ve been here the whole time.”
“I don’t understand; you haven’t been here the whole time at all.”
“We have.” Her face changes, her pupils grow large and her irises darken.
“Are you aware of everything that’s happened?”
“Everything,” she whispers.
“Liam Graynnil being me and me supposedly committing all these murders?”
“I know everything and I understand, darling.”
“Okay well you tell me what’s going on.”
Tanya pauses and stares at me.
“What do you want to know?”
“Well everything, I want to know what the fuck is going on. In Killing for Your Love by Liam Graynnil…”
“You.” Tanya interrupts.
“In Liam Graynnil’s version, Daniel is me and you’re Lizzie, correct?” Tanya nods. “So I killed all these people and I am being hunted down by a group of people who say I killed you, is that correct?”
“Well yes, haven’t you read the book?” Tanya mutters.
“I have read most of it Tan, but it doesn’t make sense, I don’t remember the deaths, I do not remember going out into the woods during the night. I remember absolutely nothing of any of that. What I really want to know is: what is Andrew Myers to you?”
Tanya stays still. Her breathing stops and she stares at me as if in a trance.
“So come on then, what about you and Andrew? Have a good fuck together? Good affair right? And then you left me and went to live with him is that right?”
“I love you Ryan and the kids do too, please don’t do this.”
“Answer me.”
“You won’t understand.”
“Understand why you left me for another man? No I don’t, please explain it to me.”
“I can’t.” Tanya screams.
“Tell me now!” I shout back.
My yell blows her hair back, her expression changes once again, her skin begins to fade away into the darkness surrounding us.
“Did I kill Andrew Myers? Is that why he disappeared?” I ask her calmly.
“Yes.”
“And did I...” I try to ask a difficult question which I fear the answer to. The answer is going to be difficult to deal with whatever it is. A lump forms in my throat, making it difficult to ask in my normal voice and tears flood down my face. I feel nauseous as I set myself up to ask the question: “… Did I kill you and the kids?”
Tanya pauses. She fades more. I reach out to her and ask again.
“Did I kill you and the kids?” I shout, repeatedly.
Tanya disappears into the darkness leaving me alone. The room lightens up to reveal my bedroom.
I look down to my bed to see a body under the duvet. I look around the room; blood is smeared across the floor. There are bloody handprints on the door and walls. I take steps towards the bed and grab a hold of the duvet. I lift it to see blood on the pillow and long strands of blonde hair. I pull the duvet off to reveal a man soaked in blood wearing a black suit and white shirt. The shirt is stained a light red. On the suit, there is a name badge. I lean across the body and read the name. My sight not completely clear, I stare at the badge and try to focus. I eventually manage to read it. It says: ‘Dr Andrew Myers’. I pull away from the body and try to focus on the face but I cannot, for some reason my sight will not look at significant details. I could see Tanya’s face clearly but not Andrew’s.
I stare at him, his face is blurred. I continue to stare until I see his head turn slowly on the pillow. His neck makes a cracking sound, his blurred face is staring at mine but I cannot see his. I try to focus, it’s still completely blurred. Then Andrew sits up in the bed, keeping his face toward me. My eyes focus on his closed eyes which suddenly open to reveal his bloodshot eyes.
We stare at each other; his eyes are frightening, I can’t look much longer and as I turn away to leave, he stands in front of me, blocking the doorway. He doesn’t say a word, he continues to stare at me, mouth slack as if his jaw has been broken or his teeth have all been ripped out.
I take a step back. He walks towards me, taking a deep breath; he’s holding a knife. I take steps back until I fall over the bed. He stands above me and takes another deep breath. He lifts the knife above his head and he opens his mouth to speak…
I awaken with no feeling. I open my eyes and stare at the light skies above me. The white fluffy clouds and light blue sky above me.
Where am I?
I sit up and realise I’m in a woodland clearing. Why am I here?
My feelings return to me, I feel my back which is completely soaked and freezing cold. I look down to my body to see that I am wearing nothing at all, not even underwear. I shyly look around me and see my trousers hanging on a branch with my boxer shorts on the ground underneath them. I push myself up off the ground and charge to my trousers. I put my boxer shorts on and then pull my trousers off the branch to see a piece of paper on the wet leaves on the ground. I look down to the note which reads ‘we know what you did.’
I look at the note and put it into my pocket. I turn around to see the naked body of a blonde woman.
Next to her is my white shirt, dragging my feet, I walk over to my shirt, pick it up off the ground and take a few steps back away from the body. I just can’t look at her. I don’t want to see the face of this woman. I don’t remember any of this at all. I don’t know what happened here although I can probably guess.
I button up my shirt and look around the woodland. Where can I go? I have no recollection and I have no idea where I am.
I turn around and something stands out to me. As I watch the trees sway from side to side, I see the roof of a house; hopefully I am not too far from Mulberry Lane. I walk towards it and suddenly I recognise where I am. I’ve never really paid much attention to this part of the woodland but I look up and see the fence around my garden and house. The woodland is the one right behind my house. I run up to the back gate, open it and go into the house through the back door.
I walk into the burnt-out kitchen and through to the hallway and up the stairs. As I walk along the landing, I look out of each of the three windows at the front of my house. There are police cars on Mulberry Lane. From the middle window the Cann’s house has three police cars there and Simon and Sam are standing outside. Simon looks stressed, like he’s just woken up. His hair is untidy; a messy quiff and flattened on one side but normal on the other.
I then move along to the last window and look at where Shola’s house once was. It now looks like a tip site. The police have blocked it off with the blue and white police line around the area of rubble.
I look back to the Cann’s and Sam is hugging Simon. What is going on with the Cann’s?
I go out into the back garden and I hear feet on the other side of Paul Brooke’s fence. I look over to his fence. Through the gaps in the fence, I see a figure pacing around the garden and eventually I see Paul’s bald head poke up.
“Hello mate.” Paul says.
“Hello.” I reply.
“God you look rough pal, late night?”
“No not really.”
“God I did, bloody awful night, got no sleep at all because of all this going on. I have to admit to you mate, I am scared for my family. I hope no one tries to harm them, you know with the Brekken's, your house catching fire, the shitty house on the end and now all this shit with the Cann’s...”
“What’s wrong with the Cann’s?” I interrupt Paul, cutting his sentence off short.
“Haven’t you heard? Bloody hell mate you’re the one living there at the moment, Sandra has gone missing, last night with all this stuff with the dirty man on the end.”
The hairs on my neck stand on end, my brain feels as if it is pumping real fast, is the woman down in the woods Sandra?
“I didn’t know that.” I try to say normally.
“Can’t believe all this is going on around here, there has never been trouble like this before, it’s ever since you’ve moved here.” Paul says, laughing nervously.
I don’t laugh at all or even smile, more than anything, I’m terrified. I know that all this is meant to be but it really isn’t, I’m not capable of doing this to innocent people.
“Well mate have a good day.” Paul says as he steps down from behind the fence.
I run back into the house, I need to know what is going on, this house has been the home of Liam Graynnil so there must be some hard evidence to see if it jogs my memory at all.
I run up to my room and pick up the metal box that has been here since I moved in. I look on my bed and see my green jacket. I pat my palm onto the pockets and I feel the knife in the pocket. I pull it out and go back over to the box. As I stick the knife into the gap between the box and lid, I hear knocking downstairs.
I walk out of my room and stand at the top of my stairs to hear voices mumbling outside.
I listen to the voices.
“There shouldn’t be anyone in here but I hear something from the house.” A voice says.
“Right, I’ll go around the back and see if anyone can get in and if anyone is inside, wait here.” The second voice says.
And with that, I run out into the kitchen and out the back door and I jump over the gate and run into the woods. As I run, I look for the blonde woman’s body, but I cannot find it. I can’t see if it is Sandra. I go from my house though the trees and over hanging vines because it leads to the main road.
I reach the main road and watch the cars whistling past, blowing a breeze into me. I look at mothers with their push chairs and holding their toddlers’ hands as they bounce along the footpath.
I stop and think for a moment. Not only the police, but Simon will find it suspicious and wonder why I am not at his house and where I have been. I don’t have much time to think and it is time for me to go to the Cann’s and get this interrogation out of the way.
I get up to the Cann’s drive before I am stopped by Seymour and Hughes.
“Mr Milligan would you mind coming into the house with us? We need to question you.” Seymour says.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Just come inside and we’ll explain everything.” Hughes says.
As we enter, I see Simon and Sam sitting on the sofa, Sam looks at me and shakes his head. Simon stands up.
“Where the fuck have you been?” He says.
“I’ve been out all morning, I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went out.” I reply.
“Where have you been? Did you take Sandra?” Simon grunts.
“We’ll do the questioning here Mr Cann, please take a seat.” Hughes says.
Simon sighs and looks to Sam, but Sam stays seated. Simon then looks at me and slumps onto the sofa.
“Could the both of you come with me so Hughes and Mr Milligan can speak for a moment? Thank you.” Seymour says and leads the way out into the back garden.
Sam stands up from the sofa and pats Simon on the shoulder.
“Come on dad.”
Simon stands and follows Sam out into the garden.
Hughes sits down on the sofa where Simon and Sam sat and I sit opposite him on an armchair.
“Mr Milligan, Sandra Cann has gone missing and no one knows where she is. No one has seen her. Her phone was left here and there is no way of contacting her. Mr Cann told us that she wouldn’t leave home because she is scared, so she wouldn’t go without a phone to contact anybody. Now it doesn’t look good that she had disappeared and so had you. So where were you?”
“I just went out for a walk; I do it all the time when I’m stressed.”
“Why are you stressed?”
“Because I have a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?”
“Like my house being set alight for a start, not seeing my wife and kids for four years; I think that’s pretty stressful not knowing if they’re even alive.”
“No offence Mr Milligan but that has nothing to do with this case.”
“You asked me the fucking question of why I would be stressed.” I bellow at him and rise from my seat. As I stand, I stop myself from losing my temper any more.
“Sit down.” Hughes says.
I sit down, resting my elbows on my knees and clasping my hands together.
“So Mr Milligan, what did you mean when you told Detective Cann that you may know who did all of these murders?”
“I just assumed I knew who it was.”
“He said that he made out you didn’t say it but then shortly after, Shola’s house went up in flames so was that anything to do with you?”
“I thought this was about Sandra?”
“It is.” Hughes stares at me awaiting my answer.
“His house going up in flames was nothing to do with me. Simon and Sandra woke up and came down stairs and all three of us looked out the window so even they can vouch for me being here.”
“What was your relationship with Sandra Cann?”
“I feel as if this is an interrogation rather than some questions about my whereabouts, I feel like I’m a suspect.”
“Everyone is a suspect Mr Milligan.”
“Well I’m not, because it wasn’t me.” I say as I stand up. “If that’s all, then I’ll be on my way.”
“Please sit down Mr Milligan I have not finished.”
I stare at Hughes as he stays seated, forcing me to sit.
“The less you rebel against my questions, the quicker we can get on with our day Mr Milligan. Right where was I…” Hughes stares down at his notepad and looks back up to me and continues to speak. “So what is your relationship with Sandra Cann?”
“Well she’s my friend of course. I stayed here a couple of times when Simon was away.”
“Did you like her more than a friend? Were you physically attracted to her?”
“Of course not.”
“Do you like blondes?”
“My wife is blonde so I guess so.”
“So where did you go last night for your walk?”
“I went to the town and had a look around.”
“So if we look on CCTV then we’ll see you there?”
“Of course.” I say confidently but inside I fear the fact they won’t.
“Okay Mr Milligan. We’ll be in touch.”
We both rise and I leave the house without seeing Simon or Sam or even shaking Hughes’ hand.
I step outside and look over to Shola’s house which only has one police car in front of it now.
I sprint over to my house and into the garden. I need to get into that metal box.
As I slowly walk down the side path, I press my back against the wall and shuffle to the edge of the house and poke my head into the garden. It’s clear; those police sniffing around earlier have gone.
I walk in through the back and go straight upstairs to the metal box.
There it is; the battered, peeling, burned and dented metal box.
I go over to it and stick the knife into the box and wiggle it around next to the lock, just hoping for the catch to spring itself. I twist my wrist and press the knife against the lock with all my strength, but nothing happens.
I pull the knife out and poke it back in. I pull the handle down as much as I can, the lid lifts and bends forwards and comes out of line. The hinges on the back bend also. As I pull the knife down to move the lid, it finally moves and the lid adjusts from its natural, tight fitting position and creates a gap to slip my fingers in. As I use my hands, my knife bends, slips out and drops onto the floor. I pull the lid using my hands. The hinges bend and the lid pulls away from the main box. As I continue to pull at the lid, the hinges eventually snap. The lid adjusts and I prise it open. The lid is still attached by the padlock. I push the back of the lid toward the padlock to reveal the inside of the box.
I pull out paperwork and some lined paper which has hand written notes on it. There is also another piece of paper which has printed writing and diagrams across it. It’s titled ‘Architectural and planning sketch of basement extension.’
I look at the sketching and measurements. The layout that I know is on this page but on this page it is a much bigger basement than what it actually is down there. As I study the sketches, I notice that a dotted line is drawn along the page where the wall is in the basement.
There is nothing behind that wall, there is no extension at all behind that wall, it’s just a wall, I thought. Well there is only one way to find out.
I go down to the basement door; the door’s creaking is louder than before. I switch on the light and stare at the wall.
I place the metal box on the table with the two pieces of paper alongside it. I look at the extension drawings again, then at the four main walls of the basement, I compare the sketch of the basement to the actual basement. I look at the stairs behind me. I knock on the concrete slab walls - they are rock solid. I move along to the sides of the walls. Once again they are firm and make no sound when I knock against them. I move onto the back wall where the metal frame is, I knock on the wall and I hear a hollow echo behind the wall.
That wall is not made of concrete or brick that’s for sure, more like hardboard or MDF.
How am I supposed to get behind the frame? It’s going to be heavy, especially with all the equipment on it.
Back over at the papers, I look at the notes. I don’t know who has written them or what they’re about. So I quickly skim read the squiggly and scruffy handwriting.
‘Sitting intensely and twiddling his thumbs, my patient faces me and lets his head hang loosely with his eyeballs rolled up into his eye lids. I ask him questions about his actions but there is no response. I ask my patient why he rapes and beats his wife Tanya Milligan most nights. He shrugs his shoulders and says “because I feel like doing it”. I ask if he feels capable of killing an animal, he shrugs his shoulders. I ask if he is capable of killing a human being. He stares at me and smirks.
I then ask if he is capable of killing his own children. He begins to shout; he stands up and tosses the table towards me. I summon help and security comes in, it takes three men to lock my patient down onto the table and sedate him to calm him down…
Taking a short break, I continue to question my patient. I ask him about his wife and children. My patient’s mood changes, the mood is odd to describe, he speaks about times which I think are his dreams rather than reality, they lacked details, locations, timings etc. He speaks about his wife and says that he would never harm her. I ask if he knows who Ryan Milligan is; he does not respond and instead ignores my question. I ask him again and he shakes his head.
To conclude, I believe that my patient has a sane mind when his personality doesn’t split, but when it does, he changes into a different mindset; he changes all beliefs, opinions and even language. He changes into a complete different person who is interested in mind games and puzzles. The only aspect that stays the same is his profession of being a talented and creative writer.
The question of the reasoning of the name change is still unknown. When I ask him about his name he seems unaware of it and does not answer.
I will continue to monitor the situation of Ryan Milligan and Liam Graynnil but I can come to the conclusion and diagnose Mr Milligan of having a severe case of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Much care will need to be taken. I believe with the right support, that Mr Milligan can return to normal life and deal with all life expectancy and everyday life after care here in the institution.
Signed: Andrew A. Myers
Date: 28.09.09
Patient Number: 129113005
Patient Name: Ryan Milligan
I stare at the patient’s name. It’s me but I have never been to an institution or been interviewed like that by Andrew Myers. I have never even met him.
I think about the past, I think about that day Tanya and the kids disappeared, that day where I felt hopeless, that atrocious day. I think of how I dealt with it, by sitting in my house and wallowing in self pity and waiting for a phone call to give me any hope of finding Tanya and the kids, but that call never came.
I look at the notes, an institution? I never went to one, I’ve never been to one let alone been kept in one and it is pretty much impossible that I could forget such an event.
I’m interested as to why Andrew Myers has popped up again in all of this. First in Killing for Your Love, then being friendly with Tanya and now he was my psychiatrist? I feel as if something is going on, it’s as if I’m being set up and I’ve been dragged into some business to do with Andrew Myers. Something isn’t right about all of this, he’s been so heavily involved in my life but I cannot remember ever meeting him at all. I don’t even know what he looks like and I don’t know his mannerisms or the sound of his voice.
I look back to the wall, I go to the metal stand and I pull at it. Surely there must be some way to get into the basement extension, with no other opening through the wall, it could be behind here. As I continue to pull the metal stand, the screeching of the metal on the concrete floor sets my teeth on edge. I pause; take a deep breath and pull again, creating the shrill noise of metal against the concrete again, sounding like fingernails dragging down a blackboard.
The stand is at an angle from the wall and towards the stairs. I examine the gap. I fit my body in behind the frame and side step with my back against the wall.
Leaning on the wall, I push my back onto it but it’s completely rigid.
I knock on the wall in different positions to hear the hollow sound. I look at the wall and see a rectangular black line. I stand in front of it and study it. I knock on the hollow walls and then the door which sounds firm. I move my hand down the door and feel a hole that reaches mid way through the thickness of the door. I feel around in the hole with my finger tips. Inside is a cold metal circle. I clutch the circle and twist it and the door opens ajar. As soon as the door opens, a stench seeps through the opening and straight into my nostrils making me retch and choke. Lifting my arm up to block my mouth and nose with my sleeve, I push the door wide open and call out “Hello?”
I hear a muffled sound and movement.
“Hello, is someone there?” I call out again.
Feeling around the walls, there is a circular light switch so I click it on, the light flickers a number of times, revealing a huge concrete room.
In the centre of the room is a pink children’s toy table with the brown, red pinned eyes sitting in the centre of the table facing towards me.
I look at the four pink chairs around the table. There is a wooden puppet on one seat; its strings gathered on the floor on either side of the chair. Two other chairs are occupied by big dolls that look like children; their clothes are stained and streaked with brown. One is wearing a white dress and the other is wearing a white shirt with black trousers, neither with shoes to cover their auburn feet and black nails.
I look to my left, against the wall and there is a hunched-up blonde woman, leaning forward on a chair with her hair hanging down over her face.
I make sure the door can’t slam behind me and step further into the room. I walk over to the pink table, staring at the woman on the chair. Each step I take, I fear that she will wake, but she doesn’t.
I reach the table and kneel down behind the puppet. I look at the two children that sit to my left and right. I realise that the smell is coming from what I thought to be dolls. They are in actual fact, two dead children. I stumble back and shuffle away from the table. The stench makes my stomach churn. I begin to retch, my stomach clenches to pump up vomit. I eventually throw up. It splatters across the floor and makes my mouth taste sour and acidic.
I hear a muffled hum from behind me. I turn back around. In the chair, Tanya sits staring at me.
“Tanya?” I shout in disbelief.
She mumbles something from under a gag. She shuffles on the chair and I see her arms are tied up behind her.
If that’s Tanya in the chair, then the two children must be...
I put the two together, the two children are mine. They’re Sammy and Alex.
I stare at the bodies which are barely.
“No!” I shout. “No, no, no.” My voice breaks.
I stare at them but I cannot go near them, they’re my babies and they’re dead.
Tanya shuffles in the chair, her face reddens and the veins on her forehead stand out.
I go over to Tanya. My face is soaked as sweat and tears drip into my mouth, making me taste the saltiness.
I untie Tanya’s mouth and then move the chair away from the wall. We do not say a word to each other whilst I loosen her hands, instead she bursts into tears.
I undo the ragged cloth that tied her hands together and she falls off the chair and lies on the floor. I kneel down to her and turn her over onto her back.
“Tan, are you okay?” I ask.
“Ryan, oh Ryan is it you?”
“Yes it’s me.”
“Oh God, oh God, thank you, get me out.”
“Who did this Tan? Who did this to you?”
“Ryan just get me out.”
“Who did this Tan? How long have you been down here?”
“Ryan please just get me out.”
“What happened to the kids Tan? Is that the kids?”
“Yes it’s the fucking kids and you killed them!” Tanya spits in my face.
She pushes me out of the way and wearily stands up. “This is all you Ryan, you did this.”
“I, I did…”
“Yes you did, you locked me down here, you locked the kids down here and you killed them.”
I look at Tanya’s filth smothered face and the streaks of eye-liner on her cheeks and then back to the kids. She continues to speak but my hearing disappears, I cannot hear anything. All I can think of are the kids. I walk back up to them; I pick Sammy up off the chair and then Alex. As I walk towards the door, I collapse onto the ground with them either side of me. Unable to hear my screams, I clutch my arms together and pull their heads into my chest and put my head between theirs. Tanya’s hand rests on my shoulder for a moment until she prises Alex away from me. I look up at her, her face bright red and soaked with tears, covered with dust.
“This is all your fault.” Tanya says to me as she snatches Sammy away from me. “They’re dead and it’s your fault.”
“It wasn’t me.” I say to her as she shakes her head. “It wasn’t.”
“It was, Ryan. It doesn’t matter if your mind-frame is Ryan Milligan or Liam Graynnil, you still did this.”
I look up at her, she called me Liam Graynnil.
“Tan, is this Liam Graynnil split personality thing real?”
Tanya sighs as she kneels down next to me.
“Yes Ryan, it is. You’re not well Ryan, you’re really, really ill and you have been ever since I left you. This is exactly why I tried to leave you, because I knew you would harm me and the children. I wanted to prevent that but you came and found us with Andrew.”
“What happened?” I ask.
“Ryan, you killed Andrew and then locked us down here in his basement extension. You killed him, tossed his body in here with us and left us down here.”
I listen to her and I do not remember a single thing about any of what she is telling me.
“But I don’t remember any of this Tan, none of it at all.”
“You never do. You have a split personality disorder, when you pass out or sleep, you usually change to Liam Graynnil, that’s what you call yourself anyway. You completely change Ryan, you’re violent and frightening. I remember you used to wake up during the night and you would force me to have sex with you, I wouldn’t have a choice.”
“What? I raped you? Why haven’t you said anything before?”
“I was advised not to speak to you about it as Ryan Milligan. I got in touch with Andrew Myers who was a psychiatrist, he suggested we treated you without knowing because then we would not risk losing the Ryan Milligan in you and so we prevented you turning i