Chapter Four
“I am so glad that this group made such progress today. We definitely had a great meeting. There was a lot of sharing and a lot of tears but I think we all made great strides. I have such faith in this group,” Marci said, pointedly looking at me. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I know that it's taken a while for everyone to get used to everyone else but I'm glad to see that no one has dropped out of the group. You all are working really hard and I am so proud of you.” Marci started to clap her hands and after a moment, a few others joined her. The rest of us, though, sat there silently. “I thought that we could end today by going around and telling each other what we hope to accomplish in our lives. I think that if each one of us has our own goal to reach while we are working on ourselves we’ll figure out the path we need to take.” I raised my hand. “What can I do for your Amber?”
“I would like to start,” I said. There was a collective gasp around me. Everyone but Bailey looked bewildered, like deer caught in headlights. Bailey, on the other hand, was smirking and, I knew, waiting for some smart-assed answer to come from my lips.
“Alright then, Amber, go ahead,” Marci said.
“My goal is to find out what happened to my best friend Madison,” I said. Bailey frowned but he nodded. “She disappeared a couple of months ago and I don't know what happened to her. I miss her and I need some closure, something I can hold on to now since she's not here.” I rubbed my eyes with my hands. It was the first time that I decided to let my guard down around the strangers in the room.
“I think that is a very good goal,” Marci said. “But I just hope you are careful and don't get yourself into trouble. I don't want anything to happen to you too.” I nodded and let my eyes fall to the floor. I listened with only half an ear as the others said their goals, and when we were finally finished the group filed out into the street. Most of the others went their separate ways but Bailey was sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette, waiting for me. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket, lit it with Bailey's, and then sat down next to him.
“I miss her too,” Bailey said. “I think about her, you know, every day. I should have told her that I loved her a lot more than I did. I was a horrible boyfriend.” I shrugged, saying nothing. Bailey was a pretty horrible boyfriend. He blew her off, he lied, and he frequently disappeared for days at a time. But that was who he was and Madison knew what she was getting into when she started dating him. He was a challenge, a challenge that she wanted to take.
“I can’t tell you what you want to hear,” I told him. “I can’t disagree and say you were a great boyfriend because we both know you weren’t…not at the beginning at least. But Madison loved that about you. She loved the fights, the make ups. Especially the make ups. She talked in detail about how you two made up after every fight. She loved hating you as much as she hated loving you. You guys…you didn’t have a typical relationship but you two weren’t typical people. She was happy with you Bailey…frustrated but happy.”
“But if I was there with her that night,” he said. “If I had come over like she begged me to I would have saved her. I should have been watching out for her. But I didn’t…I was selfish and I failed. I’m a dipshit. A sad, lonely failure of a dipshit.”
“No you didn't fail,” I said hotly. “No one could have imagined that she would disappear. It's not your fault, it's not my fault. Madison was Madison…you could barely save her from herself. How were you supposed to save her from someone else? It’s not like she told you anything about it.”
“If she knew about it.”
“Madison knew something,” I said.
“Oh yeah? What?”
“I’m not sure yet.” I squeezed Bailey's arm and he looked at me. “I'm sorry, babe, but I have to go. Drinks tonight? I still have my fake ID and let's face it; you and I both know that we're not alcoholics. We are only in the group because we had no choice.”
“I agree,” Bailey said. “And my ID is in my wallet. I'll pick you up around nine, okay? Wear something sexy.”
“Don't I always?” I said and Bailey wiggled his eyebrows. I slapped his leg. “You're disgusting.”
“And yet you keep coming back,” Bailey said. He pushed me up, slapped my butt, and then waved me away.
I crossed the street but instead of going straight, I turned right and started to meander down a side road. I was off for the day, for 'good behavior' Rebecca said, and I could do anything I wanted. But what do I want to do?