23
Two days later, I received the news of Ton’s permanent departure.
His sister said she found her brother’s body swayed in the air. His neck wrapped with a thick rope. His eyes were blank. He went to a faraway place without looking back at the persons he left behind.
Ton was gone… He was indeed gone.
His relatives didn’t convince that it was a suicide, but the evident from the police confirmed that he’d ended his own life. No trace of fighting. No mysterious fingerprints or anything out of place. Everything was where it should be.
Nobody understood why he did it. Ton was a joyous man and beloved by anyone he met. He had the ability to charm people and was full of love, and ready to give those love to others in gratitude. He had everything a person would need. There wasn’t a reason for him to end his life like this.
However, it did happen. Nobody could deny this truth.
A simple funeral was held in a desolated temple. Ton’s family wanted to mourn over the person they loved in peace. They didn’t want any disturbance, but I was invited to the funeral.
I headed to the funeral immediately and prepared myself for the ceremony as proper as possible. When he lived, I hadn’t repaid him for what he’d done for me in any way. I had never expected that he would be gone this fast. The only thing I could do was to say thank you over and over again to the body laid down peacefully in front of me. I wouldn’t be able to see his smile and hear his laughter anymore.
Although Ton was gone, my tear didn’t drop. There was only emptiness in my mind. No trace of sadness or pain in there.
There was nothing in there…
While I was helping to prepare the food for the guests in the funeral, Ton’s sister walked to me. She smiled sadly before offered her helping hands.
“You are Dream?” She asked, looking at me briefly before nodded to herself.
“Ton talked about you a lot.” She said. “He often told me about you and laughed. Ton had a lot of friends, but I’d never seen him so happy like that before.”
“Yes.” My mind was completely white. She looked at me with a smile again. Her eyes were red and puffed. Ton probably was very close to his sister. His early departure would leave a large hole in the life of those who remained behind.
It wasn’t just his life that stopped. He also snatched away something important from people attached to him.
“You probably don’t feel like talking, too, hmm?” She laughed lightly. I lowered my head in embarrassment. I shouldn’t make her suffer more from my action.
Suddenly, her eyes changed. She bent down to scoop the rice soup into a bowl and placed it on the tray beside before spoke.
“I’ve never believed that Ton committed suicide.” She said. Her voice was angry. “We’ve been together since young. We’d been very close. He told me everything. Before Ton died, he smiled and laughed like normal. I’m sure that he wouldn’t commit suicide.”
Her words reminded me of the lost signal when we were on the phone. It wasn’t strange that the signal would lose, but I was certain that it wasn’t a coincident either because, for the culprit, he was the most important key that could end everything.
“I don’t think that he committed suicide, too,” I said.
“There should be only you and me believe that.” She smiled lightly. “Mon and Dad think Ton killed himself because of his illness. You probably saw it when Ton got a headache. The doctor said it was caused by his mind and Ton might be secretly stressed out, but I know that wasn’t the reason. Ton was strong. He wouldn’t anything like that.”
Guilt overwhelmed me. I might not be the person who held the knife, but the truth remained true. Because Ton was involved in my mess, he died.
I was the murderer who destroyed his life.
It was me…
After we had finished serving the food, Ton’s sister and I joined the praying with the others. When the funeral ended, Ton’s coffin was moved to burn in the crematory located further away. The relative looked at the black smoke permeating the sky. They were saying goodbye to their beloved silently in their minds. The cry overwhelmed the area. I looked at the smoke scattered around the sky, but my face was dry. Not a drop of tear was on my face. Not even sadness was shown. However, I heard a cry resonated from within my heart. That girl was crying in my place. She stole all tear and sadness away from me.
I lowered my head, refuse to see the smoke floated higher.
I didn’t want to accept that he was dead.
If my memory was fake, at least, I wanted to believe that he was still around and didn’t go anywhere.
I still prayed for him to be around.
I still…
After the funeral ended, I walked to the bus stop to go home. I wanted to get out of this place. I didn’t want to witness anyone else’s sorrow.
While I was waiting for the bus, Ton’s sister walked out of the temple. She sat on the seats placed behind and waved for me to sit with her. I shook my head, but she was determined.
“It’s tiresome. Let’s sit.” She said. I let out a big sigh before sat down next to her.
“Don’t you go with your parents?”
“No, Dad and mom drove back to the house in the countryside while I took the bus to our house in Bangkok.”
“Is that so…”
“It seems like you know my intention.” She laughed. “Very well. I want to talk with you, Dream. I intend to take a detour before going home.”
“What’s the matter?”
“I just want to know about Ton.” Ton’s sister lowered her head. The long brown hair fell down, covering her shoulders. “I want to know how he was when he stayed with you. I want to know him in the way that I hadn’t known him.”
“I…”
“You don’t have to tell if you feel too pressured.” She smiled faintly. “From what Ton told me, you probably very close to him.”
“It’s okay. I’m just… a little tired.”
She looked at me briefly with a strange smile.
“You know? Ton might be lively, but when he just started the University, he was stressed about blending in the social as well.”
“Really?” I replied weakly.
“It’s true. Ton had so many friends in high school, but when he went to the University, he told me he felt alienated. He might befriend with a lot of people in his faculty, but he didn’t feel that close to anyone.”
I lowered my head, trying to think of the first time I met Ton. He always came to read and play the Milk Jigsaw in the library alone.
I just know that… Ton was lonely, too.
“And you know what? Not long after he complained to me, Ton came home all lively like he used to be. He smiled all the time until I had to ask him the reason.” She laughed lightly.
“Why?”
“Ton said that he met a friend who shared his interests and that he would prepare more fun games to play with that person.” She smiled. “Guess who that person was.”
I was silent for a long while before shook my head.
“I… don’t know…”
Ton’s sister smiled in reply and lifted her head to look up.
“Dream, you don’t have to hide it from me. I saw that you didn’t cry when we burnt Ton’s body.” Her tears started to drop. “You don’t have to bear it. If you’re sad, just cry… because we love him so much. That’s why we are sad… doesn’t it?”
I looked at her before looked down again.
If you’re sad, just cry, you don’t have to keep it inside.
Ton…
Suddenly, I cried loudly. My tears streamed down in a torrent. My body felt so heavy as if it was pulled down by the gravity. I’d never cried this hard before.
Ton’s sister smiled at me. She opened her arms before pulled me close. I looked at her with the wet eyes before putting my face on her shoulder.
We cried together.
After our tear had dried, Ton’s sister used her handkerchief to wipe away the tear before turned to ask me.
“Who do you think to do this to Ton?” I was shocked by her words. She asked without the slightest hesitation.
“You… know about it, too?”
“Ton didn’t tell me about it. Don’t worry.” She smiled. “But I heard you talked with him, and I used to look at Ton’s notebook.”
“Ton’s notebook?”
“The one Ton always carried around. You should have seen it.” She said. “I don’t understand what he wrote much, but it was enough to know that it relates to you.”
While we were talking, a blue bus came to a stop. She walked to the bus before turned to call me.
“Let’s go to my house. I have something to show you.”
Ton’s house was a one-storied small house. The room located next to the entrance served as the kitchen and the living room. On the left side of the kitchen was the bedroom for the siblings. Both rooms were separated by a thin wall and equipped with a bathroom each.
Ton’s sister headed to get an apron hung on a metal bar on the right wall, then she turned to ask me.
“What do you want to eat, Dream?” She asked while putting on the apron and tied a knot on the back.
I refused, but she insisted on cooking a welcome meal for me.
“Then… garlic pork stir-fried is fine.”
She smiled and headed to the kitchen. Turning back, she looked at Ton’s room before walked into the kitchen.
She wanted me to go into that room? I asked myself.
The appliance clanging was loud. The smell of oil permeated the air. I looked around hesitantly before made up my mind and opened the door.
Ton’s smell was inside as if he’d never left the place. His belongings were arranged neatly. I walked inside, recalling everything we had together.
Ton used to live here? I thought.
The Milk Jigsaw pieces were scattered on the bed. I sat down and picked up a piece. I played with it in my hand, missing him. We always solved these puzzles in the library together. I usually teased him, and then we would place a bet on who could put more pieces correctly. He always won.
I moved the piece around, trying to find the right place to put it in. Ton always said that the principle of the Milk Jigsaw was to complete it outside in. The frame we made would bring us to the answer on its own.
I spent a long time to finish it, remembering the times when we laughed together after we completed the puzzle. Looking back, I had never solved the Milk Jigsaw even once. This game probably not suited me.
I looked at the furthest wall. Ton used needles to pin news pieces and photos he took from the house there. On the table next to the wall were a notebook and a pile of eraser scrap. I walked to the table, brushing the scrap down the bin with a bitter smile.
He helped me until the last second.
After cleaned off the trash, I sat down and hold the notebook for a while before opened it.
The notebook was packed with messy handwriting. It was one of his characters. He always summed up his thoughts and every story in a blink before wrote them down. For me, they looked like the secret codes the secret agents used for communicating. What strange was that I could understand them.
I flipped through the pages slowly, absorbing every thought he had. I still wanted to feel the time we spent together for as long as possible. Even when everything ended, just some short moments to sink in the remaining memories could sooth me.
While screening through the letters, I found a message that was written with a pencil harder than the others.
“For Dream,” He broke the line a bit. “I still can’t find the perfect solution, but I want you to link everything with something you like. You might be able to regain your memory.”
The date he wrote below was the day he died.
I flipped to another page. The page after that was empty. I turned back to read what Ton wrote again and again. My certainty grew. I knew the truth that was hidden behind.
Ton didn’t mean to commit suicide.
The message he wrote let me knew that he planned to meet me that day before his line was cut. He told me that he would explain the solution that would help regain my memory to me. Anyone looking at the future would never stop at present.
But why the police didn’t find any trace of the struggle or any evident that would lead to the culprit?
While I was contemplating about his death, Ton’s sister walked into the room and called me.
“Dream, the food is ready.” She said. I got up abruptly before spoke in a low voice.
“Sister, Ton didn’t commit suicide.”
“What?”
“Ton didn’t commit suicide,” I said firmly. “I just found the message he had written for me before he died. He had called me before the line was cut. He told me that he had something to discuss with me after he felt better. Someone thinking of the future like that wouldn’t commit suicide.”
I handed her the notebook. She shook her head before pushed my hands back.
“It’s not necessary. I already know that.” She said. “I just want someone to believe the same thing as I do. It’s a bit lonely to be the only one who believes that.”
I stood still for a moment before headed back to the table, placed the notebook down where it used to be.
“You don’t have to return it.” She said. “Take it with you. Ton wanted you to have it.”
She walked to stand beside me, trusting Ton’s notebook in my hand.
“Thank you…”
“It’s okay.” She smiled. “Ton wrote for you to read. If it was left here, I think he would blame me. So, you keep it.”
I put the notebook in my bag. Ton’s sister looked at the completed Milk Jigsaw before she spoke.
“Take them back with you.” She suggested. “Ton told me that he often played them with you. Ton played them since he was young. It was his favorite game.”
“Is it really okay?”
“Don’t worry.” She said. “I might be a bit lonely not seeing them. Every time I see them, I always think of the times Ton played them.”
She placed her hand on her chest.
“But you probably are very lonely without them.”
I bowed my thank before put everything in my bag. Suddenly, the kettle sounded. She looked outside the room before turned back to me.
“I know that it’s time.” She smiled. “But before you leave, do you mind having a meal with me?”
After the meal had ended, I bid farewell to Ton’s sister and left. She walked me to the door and sent me off with lonely eyes before went back into the house.
I took the bus home for the safety reason. The culprit could be anywhere. He might be able to get rid of Ton but what he really wanted was me, and he wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted.
During the way home, I thought about what Ton wrote. The truth might appear if I linked them to something I liked. What was it that Ton wanted me to use as the key to unlocking my memory?
Suddenly, I knew what Ton meant. I opened the bag and took a jigsaw piece out of the box. This jigsaw was the answer.
The first rule of solving the Milk Jigsaw was to place it outside in. The frame we made would lead us to the answer on its own.
I stared at it thoughtfully until I arrived home. Dad was reading a newspaper downstairs. Waiting for his only daughter to come home safely.
I smiled at him before ran to my room. His eyes kept followed me while he sighed tiredly. He probably felt that he couldn’t understand my thought anymore.
I put the bag on my bed and took the white pieces out from the box. I opened a drawer and took the photos Ton gave me to place in order.
It might work.
I opened the notebook, looking at the meaning of each photo and arranged them chronologically. I might be unable to connect everything together. That was all right. What Ton left behind would lead me the way.
I created the puzzle’s frame by put the photo of the door knob on the further left and the photo of the house from a distance on the further right. I place the images of the candle and the window in the middle. I didn’t know the sequence of these two events, but I was sure that they happened together.
The left out the photo was the image of the clock. I didn’t understand what it meant. What the sound of the clock I heard really meant, I didn’t know.
I tried staring at the photos, but nothing happened.
I separated the photos used as a frame from the images in the middle to highlight their importance. However, no matter which way I tried, the puzzle wasn’t solved.
I looked at the image of the clock. This photo seemed not to hold any particular meaning, but it also could be the most important key.
I placed it together with the images of the candle and the window before arranged the three photos in a vertical line.
The order of the photos in the middle was the candle, the window, and the clock.
The puzzle was still dead locked.
I rearranged the order by put the candle on the right. The window was in the middle. The clock was on the left.
Nothing happened.
I let out a big sigh before tried rearranged them again. This time I placed the candle in the middle, the window on the left, and the clock on the right.
Still, nothing happened.
I let out another sigh tiredly. If putting a jigsaw together didn’t help me to regain my memory, then what was the key that could help me to solve the mystery?
Suddenly, I remembered the memory game I played with Ton. He told me that if I made up a story for something I wanted to remember, I could remember them longer and more precise.
I read Ton’s note to remember the meaning of each photo as much as possible before turned to look at each image again. I tried to make up a story from every image to link every event together. The images gradually merged into one picture.
I closed my eyes briefly to absorb the thoughts and slowly opened my eyes to look around, checking whether I was still in the world of reality.
Everything was the same. Nothing changed.
I sighed with exhaustion, dropping on the bed bonelessly. If the solution Ton had come up with couldn’t help me to regain my memory, I didn’t know which method would work.
Suddenly, I heard knocking on the door. Everything around me changed in a blink. Every photo connected together as if they were a roll of film that was revealing a stream of stories.
I was back to my room in the old house again.
I saw myself walked to open the door. Suddenly, a man in a black jacket rushed into the room with a knife in his hand. He roared fiercely, ordering me to lie down on the floor and took off the disgusting meat.
While he rubbed the detested meat all over my body, I pushed him away and was able to grab the knife. I chased him off the house and locked the door.
I ran back to my room as fast as possible, trying to find my phone to call the police. However, he had taken my phone with him.
I heard the sound of footsteps, door beatings, and window knocking. Everything happened just briefly before stopped. His scream might stop, but the silence scared me even more.
I left the room, pointing the knife in every direction before went downstairs. I guessed I was worried about Dad.
At downstairs, he stood still as if he had been waiting for me. The moonlight shone through the window in the kitchen. I pointed the knife at him, trying to chase him off the house again.
Suddenly, he dashed toward me and then everything went dark.
The story ended here. I didn’t hear any cry. I didn’t see the man with the candle holder.
I hadn’t seen my death.
The story hadn’t yet to complete. I looked at the photos that were arranged in order.
The story still needed a bridge to link everything together. The pictures I had now weren’t enough for solving this puzzle.
I had to go to that house again.
I put the jigsaw pieces and the photos away in my bag and changed into my pajamas. In the bathroom, I washed my face before stared at the mirror with the eyes full of resolution mixed with fear.
Tomorrow was the fated day. The truth would be revealed.
Even though I was scared, I had to survive and came back to uncover Ton’s death, and for myself.
I had to end this for everyone.
I used a cloth to dry my face, looking at the mirror to repeat what Ton said to me again.
The smooth skin. The fine nose. The large round eyes. The gold mixed with black hair that was the symbol of my past rebellion. Everything looked me… The same me.
And I was still me.