Dating Meeting A Single Parents Children
Especially if you've never been married, dating a single parent can be difficult. And meeting the single parent's child or children can be a source of tension for a new couple. Let's face it, this isn't your normal relationship. You may have no strings, but your partner has big responsibilities - a child.
If you're dating a recently-single parent, you need to be open and understanding. They're going through a very difficult time, and they have much to think about. They may still be processing their feelings about being single again. Or they may be dealing with their children's emotional baggage.
Dating comes with all kind of feelings - excitement, anticipation, nervousness. And when you decide it's time to meet the kids, those feelings get more intense. It's not just you and your new partner that go through these feelings. The children have greatly mixed feelings about their parent's new flame. They may be happy and excited that Mom or Dad is having some fun, but they may feel threatened with abandonment issues. They may resent anyone if they thing they're trying to replace their other parent. They may be jealous.
One or two dates may not be a big deal and may not involve much more than a dinner and a handshake. It's when you see you really like each other that the challenges begin. Here are some tips that may help you through these first phases of your relationship with a newly-single parent.
About the Dating
1. If you're becoming emotionally involved with a newly-single parent, you'll want to be sure they're really finished with the old relationship. It's common for people in your position to feel they're getting someone on the "rebound," and they tend to get insecure when they don't understand something said or done by their new partner. It's easy to fear being in a rebound romance. Many newly-single parents try to replace or duplicate feelings that had become comfortable and normal with their old partner. So, as gently and respectfully as you can, talk to your new partner. Find out if they're really through with the old relationship. Try to be sure that chapter of their life is over.
2. Be sure to compliment your partner as much as you can without being dishonest. Newly-single parents may feel anxious about re-entering the single world and dating. They may feel insecure about their looks and their personality in general. They need reassurance that they're okay, that they look great, and that they're fun to be with. When you like the way they look, tell them so. Let them know you enjoy your time with them. You're still dating them. Tell them why. But be honest. No one wants to get caught in a little fib, and white lies can be more destructive to relationships with a newly-single parent than unpleasant truths.
3. Don't be compared with your new partner's ex. Comparisons are a number one cause of fights between newly-single parents and their dates. Whether they're looking for someone like their last partner or someone entirely different, don't let them slip into comparing you. You're a unique individual, and comparisons can only hurt the relationship. You don't have to change who you are, but you need to be clear with your new partner that you are your own person.
4. Don't expect to fall into bed. Any healthy relationship needs to get started on a healthy base. Entering too quickly into a sexual relationship is especially tricky for newly-single parents. Having sex before you really know each other can make things very confusing and complicated. When there are children involved, it can be a messy disaster. Give you and your new partner time to discover each other first. Let the kids get comfortable with you, too, before introducing more complexity into the matter.
About Meeting the Kids
When you enter the newly-single parent's home, you are entering their world. When they have children living their, it is a community. You must respect their ways of doing things and their ways of communicating.
1. Respect family routines. Understand that they already have their routines. Family routines help keep the family stable and secure. Children need routines to provide discipline and predictability to their lives. If they've just been through the loss of one parent, their needs for stability and security can be overwhelming. When you enter their home, you are a threat to that stability.
It's important that the children know you don't intend to make any changes in their lives beyond seeing their parent. If your new partner invites you over for dinner, obey the family rules and practices. Sit where they ask you to, not where you choose. Take their cues on how to use your napkin and how to ask for the salt. Be content with things they way they have always been, and you'll seem less of a threat and more of a guest in their home.
2. Delay the sleep-overs. Just as it's important to save the sexual relationship for later on, it's important to avoid any sleep-overs early in the relationship. Whether you are having sex or not, the children will be confused and frightened by this change. Kids today are worldly-wise, and they will think you had sex whether you did or not. It will create tension between them and their parent and between their parent and you. Better to wait until everyone's more comfortable with the new dating arrangements before making anything appear really serious to the children. You also need some time to build personal relationships with the kids if you want to continue seeing their parent.
3. Reserve the dates for the adults. Try to keep dating and parenting time separate. Your newly-single parent may feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for their children, and they may not realize that they're bringing that role into your dates. Try to let them know that your dates are personal time for the two of you. After all, it's a chance for them to get away and relax as well. Encourage them to take that important "me time" while they're on a date with you.
4. Understand being introduced to the kids. It's important that you realize that a single parent is not likely to introduce people they're dating to the kids unless they think it is or could be serious. They won't want to take a chance on upsetting the kids' lives without good reason. So, however you may feel about the relationship, know that meeting the kids is a clear signal that you're important in their lives. And don't be too impatient if you really want to meet the kids. Work on the relationship, and the right time will come. These are just a few of the many things you'll want to think about when you start dating a newly-single parent. Children complicate relationships, and they can tremendous impact on the nature of your new dating relationship. If you're serious about this person and want the relationship to develop further, you'll have to be open, flexible, honest, and understanding.