—5—
The Board Meetings strategy is so elegantly straight- forward that, based on the three simple steps I’ve already described, most people are able to put the strategy to use with their kids right away.
It’s helpful, though, to have a deeper understanding of each step and why it’s so important to follow all of them.
As usual, the most elegant solution is the simplest. To deepen connection, just get one-on-one. The magnification and decompression principles simply don't take effect un- less there is one-on-one time. This first step is vital.
One-on-one time has helped build wonderful parent-child relationships, saved marriages, and created world-champion sports teams. Therapists and personal development experts worldwide base their philosophies and practices on the power of one-on-one time. Almost universally, they find that communication opens up when two people are alone together.
Despite how well we know it works, however, one-on- one time is a sorely underused practice to develop deeper parent-child bonds. You might think the power of one- on-one time is painfully obvious, but this doesn't mean it's widely practiced. Many of the people we've spoken to could not remember a single moment of one-on-one time with their kids. Others could remember some moments, but most admitted they didn't have much one-on-one time. Very few had regular one-on-one time.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that any time with your kids is true quality time. It isn’t. When it comes to connection, any more than two is a crowd.
You might also think you’re off the hook for one-on- one time because you only have one child. Not true. The same applies if you work from home. Even though both of those things may give you more time with your kids, that doesn’t mean it’s quality time.
This lesson was brought home by two attendees of our experiential education programs, in which all the parent-child pairs that attend learn how to surf together.
I will never forget Chaz and his mother, Ali. The memory of Ali stepping out of her comfort zone and riding waves while her son looked on with pride was an inspiration.
It was what Chaz said during his child interview that really struck home. We always ask kids about the quality time that they spent with their parents, giving them the definition of quality time and emphasizing the importance of it being one-on-one.
I’ll never forget his answer. When Chaz heard the definition, he gave a puzzled look and said, “Well, my mom works from home, so we really don't get the chance to spend much quality time together.”
As a busy entrepreneur with the flexibility to work from home, I can't begin to tell you how impactful this was on me. I was shaken to consider that there could be such a downside to what I felt was the perfect career.
Ali is a great mom and has a better relationship with Chaz than most parents do with their teens. However, Chaz gave us something that day that we all need to hear: just because you work from home or have one child does not guarantee you're sharing quality time.
Don’t break the one-on-one rule. If you insist on bringing anyone else along, it's not a Board Meeting. Give your kids the gift of individual, focused time together. You’ll be glad you did.
Inviting electronics along for a Board Meeting has the same effect as bringing along another person. There must be absolutely no electronics during a Board Meeting. Failing to follow this rule will sabotage decompression and the magnifying glass effect.
A few years ago, I had the pleasure of hearing bestselling author Dr. Ned Hallowell of Harvard Medical School speak at a private event. I was amazed by the authenticity and power of his message. My wife and I began reading his books and exploring his research on the phenomenon known as screen sucking. He explains the phenomenon like this:
“Held by a mysterious force, a person can sit long after the work has been done or the show he wanted to watch is over, absently glommed onto the screen, not especially enjoying what he is doing but not able to disconnect and turn off the machine.”
Sadly, most of us can relate to this empty feeling. Too much screen time is damaging to anyone. According to Dr. Hallowell, however, screen sucking is especially dam- aging to kids. He’s done the research that proves the ill effects on mind, spirit, and relationships.
Like me, though, Dr. Hallowell is not anti-electronics—he’s pro-connection. There are appropriate times for screens, but a Board Meeting isn’t one of them. Board Meetings may be simple, but they are also delicate; one distraction from a text, a quick phone call, or an email will disrupt the focus.
Have you ever been reading an email or talking on the phone when your child is trying to talk to you or ask you a question? Do you remember giving them an incomplete or incoherent response? Guess what: your child noticed your attention was elsewhere. When you allow yourself to be distracted, your child feels cheated and less important.
Some of you will say, “Yes, but my calls and emails are important.” I understand. So are mine. I’m not suggesting you stop taking phone calls or replying to your email. But do your children the service of not doing it during your Board Meeting.
The rule is simple: no texts, no emails, no calls, no screens. Your phone is off. No sounds, no alerts, no vibrations. Your computer is off. The TV is off, too—screen sucking together in front of a TV is no better than screen sucking alone.
I’m not saying a family show or movie is a bad thing. There are times and places for that. Just don't waste your valuable Board Meeting time on a screen. There are plenty of other things you can do with that precious time to strengthen your relationship.
The only exception is this: toward the middle or the end of a Board Meeting, it’s a good idea to snap a photo- graph to commemorate the event. The photo can play an important role in the reflection process after the Board Meeting. If you’re going to do this, switch your phone to airplane mode before the Board Meeting begins, or bring an actual camera. Do not allow screens to destroy your quality time.
I know dropping electronics is a big step for many. The first time you put this step into practice, it might feel awkward—you might feel anxious or stressed, as I did. Simply remind yourself that the world will not come to an end if you’re disconnected for four hours while you reconnect with your child.
Once you get into the habit, you'll even find there's a freedom to turning off your phone. It feels great, and you’ll likely start looking for more opportunities to do it. It wasn’t until I started putting aside electronics for Board