Chapter 7: The Queen of Un-Clean
Everyone who has children running around in spotless clothes, please tell me how you keep their clothes so bright and shiny.
I’ve tried every stain remover recommended by The Queen of Clean as well as others suggested by my friend with three children under the age of five. She always swears this one will get grape juice out of a white t-shirt. If I whip the shirt off the minute the stain occurs, run it to the bathroom and douse it with stain remover, I’m O.K. But I wonder about these tactics on the future psychological health of my child.
My sister-in-law hands down scrupulously clean clothes from her daughter to mine. I did get out of her once that she saves the stained t-shirts for night time underclothes. But that doesn’t explain the plethora of stain-free t-shirts, shorts, and pants. Her kids play at the playground. Don’t they jump in rain puddles, splattering them and everyone in the vicinity with mud spots resistant to even atomic strength chemicals?
I find myself peering closely at other children’s clothes while trying not to intrude on their personal space. Maybe other moms don’t break out the ketchup and mustard for hot dogs. Maybe they are more scrupulous about accidentally leaving un-washable markers within toddler reach.
What about chocolate ice-cream? Do they deprive their children of the hallowed treat in order to keep their kids’ shirts for more than one use? I know t-shirts are not, by design, disposable, but we have had some t-shirts retired by chocolate. Usually, this happens outside of our house.
As most moms do, I strip my toddler down to her undies or less before offering ice-cream. Popsicles also get the same nudist treatment. But occasionally we make it out to a public ice-cream parlor or a birthday party.
I can usually plan ahead and dress her in a black t-shirt, bought expressly for this purpose. If somehow, she makes it out of the house in a white (gasp) t-shirt, then we’re doomed. Even armed with handfuls of paper towels and a container full of wipeys, somehow chocolate ice-cream makes it onto my daughter’s shirt.
It may be genetic since somehow my clothes always end up with spots as well. Pre-parenting this rarely happened. I was able to hold the ice-cream cone well away from my body. But how do you back away from sticky little handprints and a smiling face . . . slowly?
Images of 1950’s television moms flash through my mind whenever I discuss this topic with my friends. I usually don’t bring it up at all, except in off-hand, whispered tones since I’m embarrassed to admit that the Big Secret never quite made its way to my laundry room.
My main defense against stains is nudie time. Painting – nudie time. Making cookies – nudie time. Peanut-butter straight from the jar – nudie time. It’s a wonder my child is ever dressed considering how much I strip her down for activities, snacks, and meals in an attempt to keep her clothes presentable.
Maybe that’s the solution – just let her run amok without clothes. No more worrying about getting the shirt off and into the sink. No more expensive stain removers that don’t work after four days in the laundry pile. No more rifling through her closet looking for that one shirt reserved for trips to Abuela’s house. After all, we do live in sunny South Florida, and she would fit right in on South Beach.
Top Tip #7
Reserve a dark blue or black shirt or dress for birthday parties or outings involving icing or icecream. The stains won’t show and you can be more relaxed and any mess.