Instruction of Mankind. He had a numerous Issue, as is very well known, and all of them were powerful Monarchs. I have
a Picture of it at Home, to which, as in Duty I ought, I Say my Prayers at Night before I go to Bed, and every Morning that
I rise. There is no Harm, Sir, as I can conceive, in partaking of a Piece of roast Beef; but, doubtless, 'tis a mortal Sin, a
Crime of the blackest Dye, to touch a Piece of Fish. Besides, you cannot justly boast of so illustrious an Origin, and you
are both of you mere Moderns, in Comparison to us Chaldeans, You Egyptians lay claim to no more than 135,000 Years,
and you Indians, but of 80,000. Whereas we have Almanacks that are dated 4000 Centuries backwards. Take my Word
for it; I speak nothing but Truth; renounce your Errors, and I'll make each of you a Present of a fine Portrait of our
Oannés.
A Native of Cambalu, entring into the Debate, said, I have a very great Veneration, not only for the Egyptians,
Chaldeans, Greeks, and Celtæ; but for Brama, Apis, and the Oannés, but in my humble Opinion, the Li [ 2, ]
or as 'tis by
some call'd, the Tien, is an Object more deserving of divine Adoration than any Ox, or Fish, how much soever you may
boast of their respective Perfections. All I shall say, in regard to my native Country, 'tis of much greater Extent, than all
Egypt, Chaldea, and the Indies put together. I shall lay no Stress on the Antiquity of my Country; for I imagine 'tis of much
greater Importance to be the happiest People, than the most antient under the Sun. However, since you were talking of
the Almanacks, I must beg the Liberty to tell you, that ours are look'd upon to be the best all over Asia; and that we had
several very correct ones before the Art of Arithmetick was ever heard of in Chaldea.
You are all of you a Parcel of illiterate, ignorant Bigots, cry'd a Grecian: 'Tis plain, you know nothing of the Chaos, and
that the World, as it now stands, is owing wholly to Matter and Form. The Greek ran on for a considerable Time; but was
at last interrupted by a Celt, who having drank deep, during the whole Time of this Debate, thought himself ten Times
wiser than any of his Antagonists; and wrapping out a great Oath, insisted, that all their Gods were nothing, if set in
Competition with the Teutath or the Misletoe on the Oak. As for my part, said he, I carry some of it always in my Pocket:
As to my Ancestors, they were Scythians, and the only Men worth talking of in the whole World: 'Tis true, indeed, they
would now and then make a Meal of their Country–men, but that ought not to be urg'd as any Objection to his Country;
and, in short, if any one of you, or all of you, shall dare to say any thing disrespectful of Teutath, I'll defend its Cause to
the last Drop of my Blood. The Quarrel grew warmer and warmer, and Setoc expected that the Table would be overset,
and that Blood–shed would ensue. Zadig, who hadn't once open'd his Lips during the whole Controversy, at last rose up,
and address'd himself to the Celt, in the first Place, as being the most noisy and outrageous. Sir, said he, Your Notions in
this Affair are very just: Good Sir, oblige me with a Bit of your Misletoe. Then turning about, he expatiated on the
Eloquence of the Grecian, and in a Word, soften'd in the most artful Manner all the contending Parties. He said but little
indeed to the Cathayian; because he was more cool, and sedate than any of the others. To conclude, he address'd them
all in general Terms, to this or the like Effect: My dear Friends, You have been contesting all this while about an
important Topick, in which 'tis evident, you are all unanimously agreed. Agreed, quotha! they all cried, in an angry Tone,
How so, pray? Why said he to the hot, testy Celt, is it not true, that you do not in effect adore this Misletoe, but that
Being who created that Misletoe and the Oak, to which it is so closely united? Doubtless, Sir, reply'd the Celt. And you,
Sir, said he, to the Egyptian, You revere, thro' your venerable Apis, the great Author of every Ox's Being. We do so, said
the Egyptian. The mighty Oannés, tho' the Sovereign of the Sea, continued he, must give Precedence to that Power,
who made both the Sea, and every Fish that dwells therein. We allow it, said the Chaldean. The Indian, adds he, and
t he Cathayan, acknowledge one supreme Being, or first Cause, as well as you. As to what that profound worthy
Gentleman the Grecian has advanc'd, is, I must own, a little above my weak Comprehension, but I am fully persuaded,
that he will allow there is a supreme Being on whom his favourite Matter and Form are entirely dependent. The Grecian,
who was look'd upon as a Sage amongst them, said, with Abundance of Gravity, that Zadig, had made a very just
Construction of his Meaning. Now, Gentlemen, I appeal to you all, said Zadig, whether you are not unanimous to a Man,
in the Debate upon the Carpet, and whether there are any just Grounds for the least Divisions or Animosities amongst
you. The whole Company, cool at once, caress'd him; and Setoc, after he had sold off all his Goods and Merchandize at
a round Price, took his Friend Zadig Home with him to the Land of Horeb. Zadig, upon his first Arrival was inform'd, that a
Prosecution had been carried on against him during his Absence, and that the Sentence pronounc'd against him was,
that he should be burnt alive before a slow Fire.
CHAPTER XII.
The RENDEZVOUS.
Whilst Zadig attended his Friend Setoc to Balzora, the Priests of the Stars were determin'd to punish him. As all the
costly Jewels, and other valuable Decorations, in which every young Widow that sacrificed her self on her Husband's
Funeral–pile, were their customary Fees, 'tis no great Wonder, indeed, that they were inclin'd to burn poor Zadig, for
playing them such a scurvy Trick. Zadig therefore, was accus'd of holding heretical and damnable Tenets, in regard to
the Celestial Host: They depos'd, and swore point–blank, that he had been heard to aver, that the Stars never sat in the
Sea. This horrid blasphemous Declaration thunder–struck all the Judges, and they were ready to rend their Mantles at
the Sound of such an impious Assertion; and they would have made Zadig, had he been a Man of Substance, paid very
severely for his heretical Notions. But in the Height of their Pity and Compassion for even such an Infidel, they would lay
no Fine upon him; but content themselves with seeing him roasted alive before a slow Fire. Setoc, tho' without Hopes of
Success, us'd all the Interest he had to save his bosom Friend from so shocking a Death; but they turn'd a deaf Ear to all
his Remonstrances, and oblig'd him to hold his Tongue. The young Widow Almona, who by this Time was not only
reconcil'd to living a little longer, but had some Taste for the Pleasures of Life, and knew that she was entirely indebted
to Zadig for it, resolv'd, if possible, to free her Benefactor from being burnt, as he had before convinc'd her of the Folly of
it in her Case. She ponder'd upon this weighty Affair very seriously; but said nothing to any one whomsoever. Zadig was
to be executed the next Day; and she had only a few Hours left to carry her Project into Execution. Now the Reader shall
hear with how much Benevolence and Discretion this amiable Widow behav'd on this emergent Occasion.
In the first Place, she made use of the most costly Perfumes; and drest herself to the utmost Advantage to render her
Charms as conspicuous as possible; And thus gaily attir'd, demanded a private Audience of the High Priest of the Stars.
Upon her first Admittance into his august and venerable Presence, she address'd herself in the following Terms. O thou
first–born and well–beloved Son of the Great Bear, Brother of the Bull, and first Cousin to the Dog, (these you must know
were the Pontiff's high Titles) I come to confess myself before you: My Conscience is my Accuser, and I am terribly afraid
I have been guilty of a mortal Sin, by declining the stated Custom of burning my self on my Husband's Funeral–pile?
What could tempt me, in short, to a Prolongation of my Life, I can't imagine, I, who am grown a perfect Skeleton, all
wrinkled and deform'd. She paus'd, and pulling off, with a negligent but artful Air, her long silk Gloves; She display'd a
soft, plump, naked Arm, and white as Snow: You see, Sir, said she, that all my Charms are blasted. Blasted, Madam,
said the luscious Pontiff; No! Your Charms are still resistless: His Eyes, and his Mouth, with which he kiss'd her Hand,
confirm'd their Power: Such an Arm, Madam, by the Great Orasmades, I never saw before. Alas! said the Widow, with a
modest Blush; my Arm Sir, 'tis probable, may have the Advantage of any hidden Part; but see, good Father, what a Neck
is here; as yellow as Saffron, an Object not worth regarding. Then she display'd such a snowy, panting Bosom, that
Nature could not mend it. A Rose–Bud on an Ivory Apple, would, if set in Competition with her spotless Whiteness, make
no better Appearance than common Madder upon a Shrub; and the whitest Wool, just out of the Laver, were she but by,
would seem but of a light–brown Hue.
Her Neck, her large black, sparkling Eyes, that languishingly roll'd, and seem'd as 'twere, on Fire; her lovely Cheeks,
glowing with White and Red, her Nose, that was not unlike the Tower of Mount Lebanon, her Lips, which were like two
Borders of Coral, inclosing two Rows of the best Pearls in the Arabian Sea; such a Combination, I say, of Charms, made
the old Pontiff judge she was scarce twenty Years of Age; and in a kind of Flutter, to make her a Declaration of his tender
Regard for her. Almona, perceiving him enamour'd, begg'd his Interest in Favour of Zadig. Alas! my dear Charmer, my
Interest alone, when you request the Favour, would be but a poor Compliment; I'll take care his Acquittance shall be
signed by three more of my Brother Priests. Do you sign first, however, said Almona. With all my Soul, said the amorous
Pontiff, provided——you'll be kind, my dearest. You do me too much Honour, said Almona; but should you give your self
the Trouble to pay me a Visit after Sunset, and as soon as the Star Sheat twinkles on the Horizon, you shall find me,
most venerable Father, repos'd upon a rosy–colour'd silver Sopha, where you shall use your Pleasure with your humble
Servant. With that she made him a low Courtesy; took up Zadig's general Release as soon as duely sign'd, and left the
old Doatard all over Love, tho' somewhat diffident of his own Abilities. The Residue of the Day he spent in his Bagnio; he
drank large enlivening Draughts of a Water distill'd from the Cinnamon of Ceilan, and the costly Spices of Tidor and
Ternate, and waited with the utmost Impatience for the up–rising of the brilliant Sheat.
In the mean time Almona went to the second Pontiff. He assur'd her that the Sun, Moon, and all the starry Host of
Heav'n, were but languid Fires to her bright Eyes. He put the Question to her, in short, at once, and agreed to sign upon
her Compliance. She suffer'd herself to be over–persuaded, and made an Assignation to meet him at a certain Place, as
soon as the Star Algenib should make its Appearance. From him she repair'd to the third and fourth Pontiff, taking care,
wherever she went, to see Zadig's Acquittance duely sign'd, and made fresh Appointments at the Rising of Star after
Star.
When she had carried her Point thus far, she sent a proper Message to the Judges of the Court, who had condemn'd
Zadig, requesting that they would come to her House, that she might advise with them upon an Affair of the last
Importance. They waited on her accordingly; she produc'd Zadig's Discharge duly sign'd by four several Hands, and told
them the Definitive Treaty between all the contracting Parties. Each of the pontifical Gallants observ'd their Summons to
a Moment. Each was startled at the Sight of his Rival; but perfectly thunderstruck to see the Judges, before whom the
Widow had laid open her Case. Zadig procur'd an absolute Pardon, and Setoc was so charm'd with the artful Address of
Almona, that he married her the next Day. Zadig went afterwards to throw himself at the Feet of his fair Benefactress.
Setoc and he took their Leave of each other with Tears in their Eyes, and vowing that an eternal mutual Friendship
should be preserv'd between them; and, in short, should Fortune at any Time afterwards prove more propitious than
could well be expected to either Party; the other should partake of an equal Share of his Success.
Zadig steer'd his Course towards Syria; forever pondering on the hard Fate of the justly–admir'd Astarte, and reflecting
on his own Stars that so obstinately darted down their malignant Rays, and continu'd daily to torment him. What, said he!
to pay four hundred Ounces of Gold for only seeing a Bitch pass by me; to be condemn'd to be beheaded for four witless
Verses in Praise of the King; to be strangled to Death, because a Queen was pleas'd to look upon me; to be made a
Prisoner, and sold as a Slave for saving a young Lady from being sorely abus'd by a Brute rather than a Man; and to be
upon the Brink of being roasted alive, for no other Offence than saving for the future all the Widows in Arabia from
becoming idle Burnt–Offerings, and mingling their Ashes with those of their deceased worthless Husbands.
CHAPTER XIII.
The FREE–BOOTER.
Zadig, arriving at the Frontiers which separate Arabia Petræa from Syria, and passing by a very strong Castle, several
arm'd Arabians rush'd out upon him, and surrounding him, cried out: Whatever you have belonging to you is our
Property, but as for your Person, that is entirely at our Sovereign's Disposal. Zadig, instead of making any Reply, drew
his Sword, and as his Attendant was a very couragious Fellow, he drew likewise. Those who laid hold on them, first fell a
Sacrifice to their Fury: Their Numbers redoubled: Yet still, Both dauntless, determin'd to conquer or to die. When two
Men defend themselves against a whole Gang, the Contest, doubtless, cannot last long. The Master of the Castle, one
Arbogad by Name, having been an Eye–Witness from his Window, of the Intrepidity and surprising Exploits of Zadig,
took a Fancy to him. He ran down therefore in Haste, and giving Orders himself to his Vassals to desist, deliver'd the two
Travellers out of their Hands. Whatever Goods or Chattels, said he, come upon my Territories, are my Effects; and
whatever I find likewise that is valuable upon the Premises of others, is my free Booty; but, as you appear, Sir, to me to
be a Gentleman of uncommon Courage, you shall prove an Exception to my general Rule. Upon this, he invited Zadig
into his magnificent Mansion, giving his inferior Officers strict Orders to use him with all due Respect; and at Night
Arbogad was desirous of supping with Zadig. The Lord of the Mansion was one of those Arabians, that are call'd Free–
booters; but a Man who now and then did good Actions amongst a Thousand bad ones. He plunder'd without Mercy; but
was liberal in his Benefactions. When in Action, intrepid; but in Traffick, easy enough; a perfect Epicure in his Eating and
Drinking, an absolute Debauchee, but very frank and open. Zadig pleas'd him extremely; his Conversation being very
lively, prolong'd their Repast: At last, Arbogad said to him; I would advise you, Sir, to enlist yourself in my Troop; you
cannot possibly do a better Thing: My Profession is none of the worst; and in Time, you may become perhaps as great a
Man as myself. May I presume, Sir, to ask you one Question; how long may you have follow'd this honourable Calling?
From my Youth upwards, replied his Host, I was only a Valet at first to an Arabian, who indeed was courteous enough;
but Servitude was a State of Life I could not brook. It made me stark–mad to see, in a wide World, which ought to be
divided fairly between Mankind, that Fate had reserv'd for me so scanty a Portion. I communicated my Grievance to an
old Sage Arabian. Son, said he, never despair; once upon a Time, there was a Grain of Sand, that bemoan'd itself, as
being nothing more than a worthless Atom of the Deserts. At the Expiration, however, of a few Years, it became that
inestimable Diamond, which at this very Hour, is the richest, and most admir'd Ornament of the Indian Crown. The old
Man's Discourse fir'd me with some Ambition; I was conscious to myself that I was at that Time the Atom he mention'd,
but was determin'd, if possible, to become the Diamond. At my first setting out, I stole two Horses; then I got into a Gang;
where we play'd at small Game, and stopp'd the small Caravans; thus I gradually lessen'd the wide Disproportion, which
there was at first between me and the rest of Mankind: I enjoy'd not only my full Share of the good Things of this Life, but
enjoy'd them with Usury. I was look'd upon as a Man of Consequence, and I procur'd this Castle by my military
Atchievements. The Satrap of Syria had Thoughts of dispossessing me; but I was then too rich to be any Ways afraid of
him; I gave the Satrap a certain Sum of Money, upon Condition that I kept quiet Possession of my Castle. And, moreover,
I aggrandiz'd my Domains; for he constituted me, at the same Time, Treasurer of the Imports that Arabia Petræa paid to
the King of Kings. I executed my Trust, in every Respect, as I ought, in the Capacity of a Collector; but I never did, nor
never intended to balance my Accounts.
The grand Desterham of Babylon sent hither, in the Name of the King Moabdar, a petty Satrap, with a Commission to
strangle me. He and his Attendants arriv'd here with his Royal Warrant. I was appriz'd of the whole Affair, and,
accordingly, order'd his whole Retinue, consisting of four inferior Officers, to be strangled before his Face, after the same
Manner as was intended for my Execution. After this, I ask'd him what he thought the Commission with which he was
entrusted, might reasonably be valued at; he answer'd, that he presum'd his Premium (had he succeeded) might have
amounted to about three Hundred Pieces of Gold. I made him sensible, that it would be for his Interest to be a
commission'd Officer under me; I made him accordingly Deputy Free–booter. He is at this very Day not only the best
Officer, but the richest I have in all my Court. If my Word may be credited, I'll raise your Fortune as I have done his. Never
was Trade brisker in our Way; for Moabdar, is knock'd on the Head, and all Babylon in the utmost Confusion. Moabdar
kill'd, said you! cry'd Zadig, and pray, Sir, what is become of his Royal Consort, Astarte? I know nothing at all of that
Affair, replied Arbogad, all that I have to say, is, that Moabdar became a perfect Madman, and had his Brains beat out;
that all the People in Babylon are cutting one another's Throats, and that the whole Empire is laid waste; that there is still
an Opportunity for making several bold Pushes; and let me tell you, Sir, I have done my Part, and made the most on't.
But the Queen, Sir, said Zadig; pray favour me so far, as to inform me, if you know any Thing of the Queen. I have heard
great Talk, said he, of a certain Prince of Hyrcania; 'tis very possible, she may have listed herself amongst his
Concubines, if she had the good Fortune to escape the Resentment of those popular Tumults; but my Head, Sir, is better
turn'd for the Highway than for News; I have taken several Ladies Prisoners in the Course of my Excursions; I keep none
of them for my Part; and as to such as are handsomer than ordinary, I make the best Market I can of them, without
enquiring who they are. Their Quality or Titles will fetch no Price at all; a Queen, if she be homely, is worth nothing. 'Tis
probable, Sir, I have dispos'd of the Lady myself; and 'tis possible, likewise, she may be dead; 'tis no Concern of mine;
and to my thinking, it should be an Affair of no Manner of Importance to you. After this Declaration, he drank so hard, and
confounded his Ideas in such a Manner, that Zadig was not one whit the wiser. Upon which he was struck dumb,
confounded, and stood as motionless as a Statue. Arbogad, in the mean while, swill'd down whole Bumpers, told a
Hundred merry Tales, and swore a thousand Times over, that he was the happiest Creature upon God's Earth;
persuading Zadig to be as merry, and thoughtless as himself. At last, being gradually overcome by the Fumes of his
Liquor, he fell fast asleep. Zadig spent the Remainder of the Night in deep Contemplation, and in all the Uneasiness of
Mind imaginable. What, said he, the King first became crazy, and then was murder'd. I think I have just Grounds for
Complaint. The whole Empire is in Confusion, and torn to Pieces, and this Free–booter is as happy as a King. O
Fortune! O Fate! a Highwayman as happy as a Monarch! and the most amiable Creature that Nature ever fram'd has
suffer'd perhaps, an ignominious Death, or perhaps, is in a State of Life a thousand Times worse than Death itself! O
Astarte! Astarte! What art thou become?
As soon as it was Break of Day he went out, and ask'd every one he saw if they knew any Thing of her: But the whole
Gang were too intent upon other Matters, to return him any Answer. By Virtue of their Night's Excursions, they had
brought in some fresh Booty, and were busy in dividing the Spoil. All the Favour he could procure, in their Hurry and
Tumult, was, to go away without the least Examination. He took the Advantage of their Remissness, and mov'd off the
Premises, but more overwhelm'd with Grief and deep Reflection than ever.
Zadig, in his March, was very restless and uneasy. His Thoughts were forever rolling on the unfortunate Astarte, the
King of Babylon, his Bosom–Friend Cador, the happy Free–booter, Arbogad, the fair Coquet, that was taken Prisoner on
the Confines of Egypt, by the Babylonish Courier; in a Word, on the various Scenes of Misfortunes and
Disappointments, which he had successively met with.
CHAPTER XIV.
The FISHERMAN.
When Zadig had travelled some few Leagues from Arbogad's Castle, he found himself arriv'd at the Banks of a little
River; incessantly deploring, as he went along, his unhappy Fate, and looking upon himself as the very Picture of ill
Luck. He perceiv'd at a little Distance a Fisherman, reclin'd on a verdant Bank by the River–side, trembling, scarce able
to hold his Net in his Hand, (which he seem'd but little to regard) and with uplift Eyes, imploring Heaven's Assistance. I
am, doubtless, said the poor Fisherman, the most unhappy Wretch that ever liv'd! No Merchant in all Babylon, it is very
well known, was ever so noted for selling Cream–Cheeses as myself; and yet I am ruin'd to all Intents and Purposes. No
Man of my Profession ever had a handsomer, more compleat Housewife, than my Dame was; but I have been
treacherously depriv'd of her. I had still left a poor, pitiful Cottage, but that I saw plunder'd and destroy'd. I am cubb'd up
here in a Cell; I have nothing to depend upon but my Fishery, and not one single Fish have I caught. Thou unfortunate
Net! I'll never throw thee into the Water more: Much sooner will I throw myself in. No sooner were the Words out of his
Mouth, but he started up, and ran to the River–side, like one that was resolutely bent to plunge in, and get rid of a
miserable Life at once. Is it possible, said Zadig? Is there then the Man in Being more wretched than myself? His
Benevolence, and good Will to save the poor Man's Life, was as quick as the Reflection he had just made! He ran to his
Assistance; he laid hold of him; and ask'd him, with an Air of Pity and Concern, the Cause of his rash Intention. 'Tis an
old saying, that a Person is less unhappy when he sees himself not singular in Misfortune. But if we will credit Zoroaster,
this is not from a Principle of Malignity, but the Effect of a fatal Necessity. He was attracted, as it were, to any Person in
Distress, as being One in the same unhappy Circumstances. The Transport of a happy Man, would be a Kind of Insult;
but two Persons in bad Circumstances, are like two weak Shrubs, which, by propping up each other, are fenc'd against a
Storm. Why are you thus cast down, said Zadig to the Fisherman? Never sink Man, under the Weight of your Burden. I
can't help it, said the poor Fisherman; I have not the least Prospect of Redress. I was once, Sir, the tip–top Man of the
whole Village of Derlbach, near Babylon, where I liv'd, and with the Help of my Wife, made the best Cream–Cheeses that
were ever eaten in the Persian Empire. Her Majesty, the Queen Astarte, and the famous Prime–Minister Zadig were very
fond of them. I serv'd the Court with about six Hundred of them, I went the other Day in Hopes of being paid; but before I
had well got into the Suburbs of Babylon, I was inform'd, that not only the Queen, but Zadig too had privately left the
Court: Whereupon I ran directly to Zadig's House, tho' I never sat Eye on the Man in all my Life. There I found the Court–
Marshals of the grand Desterham, plundering, by Virtue of his Majesty's Mandate, all his Effects, in the most loyal
Manner. From thence I made the best of my Way to the Queen's Kitchin; where, applying my self to the Steward of her
Household, and his inferior Officers; one of them told me she was dead; another, that she was confin'd in Prison; a third,
indeed, said that she had made her Escape by Flight; all in general, however, assur'd me for my Comfort, that my
Cheeses would never be paid for. From thence I went, with my Wife in my Hand, to Lord Orcan's; who was another of my
Court–Customers; of whom we begg'd for Shelter and Protection: The Favour, I confess, was readily granted to my Wife;
but as for my own Part, I was absolutely rejected. She was fairer, Sir, than the fairest Cheese I ever sold; from whence I
date all my Misfortunes; and the red that adorn'd her blushing Cheeks was ten Times more lively than any Tyrian Scarlet.
And between you and I, Sir, that was the main Cause of my Wife's Reception, and my Disgrace. Whereupon I wrote a
doleful Letter to my Wife,