Chapter Fourteen
I have them in my pocket.
Why?
Because I thought of taking them to work with me just in case I need them.
Why?
In case it's a rough day. I don't want to get in a bad mood.
So YOU think you MIGHT get in a bad mood?! You? That is purely a lack of faith in yourself. You don't believe you can make it through the day in a good mood?
Well....
How have you done it for the past few days?
I have.
Has it been hard?
No.
Then what makes you think tomorrow will be any different?
I don't know, I guess because there have been ups and downs in the past.
That is your past Jay that is not your life! How many times do I have to repeat this?
And I know that is what you will say every time. The point is that hasn't always been my experience.
What about the time after your BIG Scare and your BIG Enlightenment? You said, even here in this book, that the following weeks were nothing but beauty and you had a sense of gratitude the whole time.
That was the exception. Besides, then I could actually FEEL a real connection between us. Though it was mostly a feeling of FEAR, at least I felt SOMETHING to know you were with me!
So you do not feel me with you now?
No, but I know you are with me, I understand that you are with me, and I even believe that you are with me. I just can't FEEL you with me GOD.
I am reaching out and touching you now JAY. Are you telling me you cannot FEEL the keys under your fingertips? You cannot FEEL your chest rising and falling with each breath? You cannot FEEL the fullness of your belly? You cannot FEEL the tension in your muscles? You cannot FEEL the heart beating in your chest?
I CAN feel all that. As you spoke each word, I became aware of everything you meant. I am so sorry life really is a glorious gift.
Yes, it is. The feeling of fear from your past experiences you so speak of, was a result of the presence of doubt, very strong doubt in yourself, in me, and in your world. The following weeks of residual feeling you experienced was JOY. Joy that you were overcoming that doubt. It has now been so long since your first TRUE connection with me that you have grown comfortable, which I must point out is A GREAT GIFT, not a punishment in the least.
I think I may actually understand. So I would do well to notice, say the sizzle of the fryers, the burning of my flesh, the pain in my feet from standing all day, the sweat on my brow as I work, and smile because that is your way of reaching out and saying, "Hello?”
Ha Ha ha ha ha. You are a good one to talk to. Allow me to reiterate. Yes, you would do well to notice all of things should they occur. I must suggest however, If you become acutely aware of feeling me all the time, these things, should you choose, will have no place in your experience.
Alright I think I get it, to discipline the body is to feed the spirit?
You say that, because in your case, it may be helpful to believe.
In my case yes! You know why?
Yes, but you're going to tell me anyway.
Because I know how my life works! I have killed myself already. I will guarantee that right when I get everything I have ever wanted, and my life is perfect, that is about the time I will end up on my deathbed. I will bust my ass my whole life long to make it what I want, and when I finally get it to where I want it, I will die and never get to spend anytime enjoying it!
You're right, that is exactly what is going to happen.
What?
Unless it doesn't.
What?
Exactly what I said, it will happen that way, unless it doesn't. You are using this argument still to defend your usage of those OTC Drugs. You have not been diagnosed with any critical illness, yet you have not been to the doctor. You may or may not decide to stop taking those drugs permanently and that may or may not have a positive or negative effect on your body.
Are you saying, you really don't know?
Oh, I KNOW. I am saying you don't and until you decide that you do, it will remain undecided and out of your hands. Believe it or not, and I will say it again, "Life needs or lacks nothing." Perhaps don't spend as much time trying to make your life into everything you've always wanted and instead start realizing that it already is. I know this is hard to see at times but I guarantee if you were to, for a single moment, obtain the clarity which I have now, you would know, beyond all doubt, that your SOUL PURPOSE of being here is to spend your time enjoying it.
Now, you said stopping taking this stuff may have positive or negative effect on me. What did you mean?
I don't want to scare you, and I definitely don't want to confuse you any further. I was just referring to how you have seen some people smoke for 50 years and the week they quit, they get diagnosed with lung cancer. Some people never get lung cancer yet others get it and never smoke at all. The decision is yours and yours alone. Do you have faith in what you are doing? That is the question.
Now that I come to think about it, around 10 years ago one of my friends that had introduced me to the drug was diagnosed with a prostate problem. The doctor told him that the drug had caused it and if he didn't quit, then it would only get worse. He had only been doing it a month or two! I have had prostate problems too. They would come, and sometimes scare the crap out of me, then other times nothing. I never attributed it to my abusive actions though. Maybe I have only lasted this long due to my faith.
Or ignorance!
Yeah, I guess you're right. Perhaps I should quit while I'm ahead.
You will.
Again some faith in me, nice.
Unless you don't.
Alright, alright. Let's get off the “me” thing here I’m sure there are lots of other things the world is urgent to know.
A lot of those things I suggest putting in the note section of your book.
There's gonna be a notes section?
Of course! Do you not have boxes full of notes? You did say you scribbled things down on napkins and to-go bags at Waffle House. You have journals; you even have an incomplete book from years ago.
You're right! Those notes would fill a book themselves. Indeed.
Okay then, while we are on the faith subject- I just smashed a brown recluse in the basement.
What does that have to do with anything?
Well, before I killed it I asked myself, "Is it wrong to kill this, so far innocent spider?" I thought maybe the right thing to do would have been to have faith that it wouldn't bite my loved ones or me. I have been raised to be nice to animals.
You smashed it though.
Yes, as I thought about it I also thought of my baby nephews crawling around down there and killed it with a sorry heart. I even said a blessing is that stupid?
Not at all, now perhaps you can see a bit more clearly how things depend largely on what it is you are trying to do. In this case, protecting your family took priority over being one in faith with the brown recluse.
That sounds ridiculous!
Perhaps, but GOD gave dominion of the Earth to man did he not?
That is what is written but that doesn't necessarily mean its right.
Why would you say that?
Because truths change.
And you know this how?
Because the only constant in the universe is change.
Observably true. Who says you need me?
Me, or else everyone think I'm talking to myself!
You already admitted to that one.
True.
You’re a gag.
You're the sock that gagged me!