April 10, 2012
The systems of our society have a bad habit blaming the individuals within it for problems that it directly caused. Our current mental health practices fail to observe outside of the individual's mind to find reasons as to why people are the way that they are. The collective oppression of society requires certain types of people, and when individuals can not or will not conform, they are cast to the side as insignificant and as a result treated less than human. Isolated and alienated from and by society, suicide becomes the best solution to escape their loneliness.
My time in this world has come to an end. My entire life has been dedicated to physical, mental, and spiritual growth. I have studied love inside and out because I was not blessed with this within family, friends, or any other collective groups. At a very young age I was separated from my parents who did not care. Searching for “love” I found a high school sweetheart who I eventually married. But as time passed, it became obvious that she did not wish to be with a philosopher, so she left me and as a result I also lost all my friends, which were only mine through her. Our love was not healthy, and after she left me, she told everyone that the only reason she was even with me was because when we met I looked like “Hanson”, which was her childhood obsession. This left me entirely alienated in a huge world without a soul to lean on.
This disorientation led me to rely entirely on the only thing I had left: God. I gave it all to wisdom, and searched for it everywhere. I travelled around the world and back looking for people who would love and accept me for who I am. I jumped from state to state, city to city, town to town, and university to university searching for people who not only studied wisdom, but demonstrated said wisdom in their actions. But the search was more cumbersome than I expected, for all of you are stuck in your systems and do not leave any room to let the unknown in. You all immerse yourself in collective groups and push out what is not understood immediately, nor do you desire to understand. Your eyes are focused forward and you ignore your peripheral vision. And I am in your peripheral vision.
So I shout out again and again attempting to be noticed so that I might find my place in society. But society mutes my voice by its Aristotelian categories. A system of thought that was created to be utilised as a tool has been corrupted and identified within. You are indoctrinated into the understanding of categories as the only system of thought. Anything that does not fit into your categories you disregard as unimportant. I do not fit into your categories and as a result am your victim. An intelligent and talented individual is cast into the fire because you lack the ability to stand back and consider what is in front of you. And as a result you also cast any possible manifestations of love and particularity into said fire. You burn the Mona Lisa because you do not understand what it is that you are burning. You are the ones alienating me.
You persecute me because I have a message and attempt to preach it. But you have no ears to hear and judge before understanding. Your indoctrination into capitalistic self-righteousness encourages you to be offended if anyone questions your own understandings. Thus your response is to persecute so that you may justify your own lifestyle without critiquing it. We have not learned from our past mistakes as this is only a shadow of the story of Socrates. This is my Crito and you have fed me the new formula of hemlock. Is the opinion of one man who has spent his entire life becoming more than he was less valuable than the collective that places popular culture as their highest good? Our kind merely follows in line with the one in front waiting for our turn to throw ourselves off the cliff. We are nothing more than lemmings unsure who started the trend that will result in the destruction of our species.
I have been writing since I was 6 and when I first started publishing articles no one in my life would read them. You said, “I don't want to read that entire thing!” So I took note and trained my voice and started publishing audio versions of my articles. You then said, “Audio talks are not interesting.” I then took note and learned Photoshop and began to publish artwork. You then said, “I don't get it!” I shook my head and contemplated. A little while later many things began to make sense to me and I gained the ability to structure and produce quality educational courses that included fun dramatisations of the topics. Now you say nothing. Now none of you say anything to me. You have run out of excuses and find solace in your meaningless entertainment. Just because you do not listen, does not mean what I have to say is not important. From time to time I get people contacting me (sometimes highly educated) thanking me for sharing my insight. But they are not within arms reach and I remain alone. You just lack the ability to click the button and instead prefer to judge without finding out the details of what it is that you judge. You would much rather watch something that will fry your brain than think. You disregard the expression of one who is right in front of you and find consolation in immersing yourself in material from someone you will never know.
I have grown into a silver tongued warrior. I can talk my way in or out of any situation. Authority figures such as the police and security officers fear my voice. And all I do is shed light into our own stupidity by reiterating what it is that we are doing while speaking with authority. I have studied logic and can create arguments with solid foundations. I run circles around people physically, mentally, and spiritually. The results of dedicating my entire life towards self-development has manifest itself and now most will retreat or persecute and then retreat. I was once stomped all over by you people for my passion but inability to effectively express myself. But now you run. And all I have ever been doing is trying to share a message that will help humanity, that is help you. I love all of humanity but I do not at all love its current state. We are beings that are capable of reaching god-like characteristics, but instead of aiming for this noble pursuit, we immerse ourselves in the mundane of society. From your constant persecution over my lifetime, I have learned how to stand up for myself with logical arguments to back up my premises. I have attempted to utilise this to point people to my website so they might learn why they are the way they are and have fun doing it. But when your own lifestyle might be in question by another who knows what they are talking about, you run before your eyes can have a peek. Sleepwalking with your eyes closed on the highway of life will have its ramifications, and each step you take is only buying you time. If our species does not open its eyes it will be ran over by evolution.
To think for oneself also entails feeling for oneself. Your systems disconnect you from these feelings. You learn whatever the government approves you to learn through the system that they desire to implement. This system separates education from love. These systems have no room for love, but doesn't this separate us from our humanity? Within love we feel. When we take it away over the course of our entire education, we become conditioned to also separate education from love. This benefits the capitalistic framework because it breeds out passion. The government wishes you to quickly get educated so that you can immerse yourself in the workforce so that you may benefit them. Passion is dangerous to this system as it might lead to practices that go against their infrastructure. So what better way to suppress this than to create a hierarchy where no one is in charge! Keep everyone keeping everyone in line! Who cares if we no longer know up from down! It is profitable! Who cares if it conflicts with our humanity and casts blackness in our souls, it is profitable. Who cares about the ones that will not or are not able to conform and get run over by the systems, it is profitable. The dogmas of utilitarianism stand strong and people like me get put down as I am the least amount of suffering whose death encourages the greatest happiness. Only one problem. All of you people are not happy. You live day to day for the next material possession and cruelty towards others is accepted as “just how people are”. You have been conditioned out of your humanity and now welcome your flaws. Unhealthy interactions from all parties is just, “business as usual”. Your habits disgust me.
This outline can be applied to all of our systems and religion is no different. We force our dogmas upon everyone we encounter. I support most understandings when taken in their metaphorical context, but people stick to their dogmas. Christians do not accept me because I do not accept the Bible as absolute “Truth” nor do I accept Paul's interpretation of “Jesus as God” and as a result the churches interpretation of the Trinity. Jews are more cultural and have laws that one must conform to everywhere as a result of Moses. Muslims do not accept me because I do not accept the Qur'an as absolute "Truth" or Muhammad as the last prophet. Buddhist do not accept me because I do not unquestioningly accept the Eightfold Path as always being appropriate as I am a man of faith. However, I learn as much as I can about all religions and attempt to see the metaphorical meanings behind them so that I might make the best decisions that I can, giving me many perspectives to consider when an event takes place where their wisdom would increase my options. Organised religion does not accept me as I am, for their systems are constructed to change me. I would have no problems with any of their understandings if they had no problems with my own. But just as within any system, what does not fit is constructed to eradicate. The clock is not considered functional if one of its pieces are temperamental. Our species is not a clock.
Teachers (especially in universities) do not care about you. They only care to get their material out and afterwards cut ties with you. They want as little interaction as possible with you. Their ability to effectively teach is diminished because there is no love in their actions. The board of education ensures this is the case by enforcing strict regulations. How is the system to discourage revolt? By overloading the teachers with students! Keep their time booked so they are unable to think about where they step. What a great idea! The lashes on the teachers back eventually condition the teachers but deep down they hold resentment. And what better way can they express these emotions than by demonstrating their discontent with the board of directors directly onto their students? They can be as heartless as those who are just as heartless to them and they worked hard for that right. And this system is then repeated on the student. The student will then either choose to quickly complete their desired qualification or work themselves up the ladder so that they one day might also be able to become as incessant as their professors.
The authority figure intimidates us, for they have an effect on our own lives. We do not look at these figures like ourselves but instead treat them as beings on a pedestal. We put masks on and keep most topics off the table while in the company of these figureheads. We learn how to live different lives depending on the company that we are in. We throw away the ideal of impartiality and divide the self into many categories, some defined by us and others defined by our systems. If one breaks out of this self-destructive practice then they reap the consequences. The social norms of what is “appropriate” comes out and we are punished. But what if we do not care about punishment? Why do we dislike punishment so much? What is really so bad about it? Have you lost yourself? Nay, just the opposite, you have stuck with yourself. What is it really that our oppressors have taken away from us in punishment? Anything that truly matters about us is retained throughout the entire duration of our punishment. If we accept all punishment incurred then its conception begins to break down. Punishment can be encouraging as it can remind us that we have not sacrificed any parts of ourselves.
But have I not backed myself into a corner here? It would appear that I am preaching both particularity and impartiality, but as with everything, the essence lies in its synthesis. If we practice particularity with the individual (and not their title) standing in front of us, we are thus being impartial. We can always have our cake and eat it too, but our systems which dominate our minds preach the impossibility of this. Our systems limit us and greater truth always lies somewhere in between two polarisations.
Today I had my first appointment with the mental health services. They have been attempting to get their hands on me from various locations over the past year. I am very weary in dealing with them because last year they removed me from the freedom of the beautiful wilderness and incarcerated me for six weeks and forced drugs upon me that made me feel absolutely terrible. They ignored all my words and wrote me off as being crazy. So over the four day weekend I prepared a session to force them to listen and took precautions so they would not be able to repeat this terrible event. I was enduring through it because I recently applied for disability and was thus required to work through the systems. I arose before sunset and walked many hours happily prepared to open their ears to my condition. Within a short period of time it became obvious to me that they too would not listen, for their systems did not allow for someone like me. I thus departed and had much to think and pray about.
I have no loved ones in my life. I live in the wilderness and that is the only good thing about my life even though sometimes I freeze. The wildlife loves and accepts me for who I am. They do not persecute but instead find me extremely interesting and I feel likewise with them. But I am human and am a social creature. I travel from place to place attempting to find people who will love and accept me for who I am, but in every step I fail miserably as your systems do not allow my existence and you all follow your systems. I have done this pretty much my entire life. “My people” are not out there. I no longer desire to live. But I have thought this many times and always failed to perform the act. I wish to cut across my Phronesis tattoo on my left forearm and bleed out in the wilderness. Phronesis basically means “practical wisdom” and a death like this would accurately represent my life. This meaningful death is my fond ideation.
After my failed appointment I pumped myself up to end my life. But then I thought about why I have not done the deed yet. I had to find the root cause holding back so that I could eradicate it in order to obtain liberation from the cruelty of misunderstanding people. So I talked to God, as I do to think out most of my difficult issues. And it came upon me like a light bulb in a bubble above my head. It is the systems. I have spent my life to break free from the chains that society has shackled me to but was still connected in a few aspects. I found the root cause. I was usually able to purchase bread, cigarettes, and occasionally as a treat, soft drugs. The systems within university also kept me going when all along I have desired to independently study. These four things chained me to life. They have kept me going enough to continue my lonely existence. And how do I obtain these things? Through systems. I then spent the next few hours walking to Centrelink who financially support my existence because I study at university. Along the way I cut up all of my identification. When I got there I cancelled everything and when I departed I laid the pieces of my identification on their table and asked them to dispose of it. I walked out proud of myself for doing the deed. I cut the life force off which has previously provided just enough to get me through life. I am now free from everything. University, you no longer concern me. I now have nothing whatsoever to fall back on to continue existence except suicide. This act has given me just enough time to make my final statement to society before I depart this world. This article is a part of the course “My Reflected Death”, available at nesmith.net. Let my death force you to listen to my words and make a statement so that our species may evolve.