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Tonight’s episode – Capitalist Cunts On High - Leftist Loonies On Low - featuring:
· His Ungodly Greedy Highness (model OBZO with micro-soul) - aka Hugh The Bozo or Shuggy
· Big Omnipotent Arrogant Bastard - aka Mental Boab or Zobo
· Special guest: Her Bountiful Excellency Rhamnusia The Apparitional - aka Big Bertha, who does not actually appear in this episode
· Also not appearing: a guy called Charley – some stupid fucker with an education
Way back in the days of black and white...
Shuggy: So, run this by me again.
Zobo: Yeah, it’s about this guy called Charley; creating quite a stir he is - way down on that Earth place. He’s got the workers all fired up. Wrote some big fancy texts telling them they were all being ripped off or something.
Shuggy: And they’re listening?
Zobo: Sure. That’s the problem. Basically, he’s on to us.
Shuggy: Oh, fuck off. You’re winding me up. He’s just a human. They’re all stupid fuckers.
Zobo: Maybe. But he’s a smart stupid fucker. Talks all sorts of philosophical pish. You know the kind: a head full of so much intellectual shite that no one dares admit they don’t have a clue what the hell he’s on about. Himself included. How do you argue with someone like that? You know, a stupid fucker with an education.
Shuggy: So, what about our own men down there? Can’t they just make a fool of his ideas?
Zobo: No. It’s not really about ideas. More that, for once the workers have a posh-sounding intellectual fart-bag on their side. It lets them take on our guys and look serious.
Shuggy: So, what exactly is he saying?
Zobo: Basically, the blunt truth: that the workers are getting ripped off.
Shuggy: Bastard! We’ve looked after his class for ages and this is how he pays us back? Who the hell gave him the right to be honest?
Zobo: Oh, he thinks people have a right to the truth.
Shuggy: Fuck me!
Zobo: He’s also telling them that everyone should be equal – whatever that means.
Shuggy: Oh dear. This will never do.
Zobo: Something about women’s rights too. No differences between them and the men.
Shuggy: What? Is he daft? We don’t even have women in employment yet – at least, I don’t think. What time zone are we in? Let me check... No – I didn’t think so. At this stage, the women are just at home breeding more workers for us. What’s is he on about?
Zobo: Beats me. I got the news from Big Bertha.
Shuggy: Ah – you’ve been seeing her again? You don’t want to believe everything she says. She’s always looking for attention. And always from men! I’d keep my distance from her if I were you.
Zobo: But it’s true anyway. I checked it out on that little Earth place myself.
Shuggy: Mmmm... But I’ll bet that Bertha set a spell up or something. I tell you; anything to please the men. No doubt she’ll be working inside the head of this poor Charley guy. That’ll be why his head is so full of shite and he’s babbling on about supporting the workers. Figure it out! They’re all men! You know some women; one track minds and all. Anything to please the men. Fucks men’s brains out.
Zobo: Leave her alone. Anyway, like I said, this Charley guy is actually babbling on about equality of the sexes, whatever that means.
Shuggy: Right. So how in the name of Almighty Money would that work?
Zobo: Could it be Bertha again? You don’t think she’s maybe gone AC/DC? Got an eye for the ladies maybe? Oh fuck off! Mind you... Two at a time... Could be interesting...
Shuggy: Nah... I think I’ve figured it out. There’s only one way this shit stacks up. I could probably have written the script for this Charley dude myself. Imagine this – I can already hear it. Oh wow! Best keep my voice down.
“Workers of the world: you are all - every last one of you - being ripped off. Those who control the wealth of this nation and all nations have made you slaves to money. Think about it: every day you drag your tired bodies to these factories and perform back-breaking work for greedy bosses who sit at their desks and get fat on your sweat. This is insane, unjust and must be stopped. Look at your lady folk and reflect a little. Do they have to come to these factories day in, day out? Do they have to toil under a boss keeping check on them all day? Are they expected to singlehandedly bring home all the family income? Are they likely to be killed when a mine collapses, or a girder falls off a chain, or in any of a hundred other things that go wrong in the workplace? Will they die before their time because their bodies are plain exhausted from a lifetime of overwork? No! Not at all! They have privilege. They can stop for a break anytime they like. They don’t have a boss continually inspecting their performance. No one makes them work at all. Listen men – for all you know they are so bored in your absence that they’re ‘round the back of the pig sheds with the farm boys right now. So, I say to you: now is the time of revolution. Now is the time to demand equality for men and women alike! This persecution of our sex must end! Justice for all. Let us all live as our women live. If they want the farm boy, you men should be at home enjoying some slap and tickle with the cowgirl. Isn’t that what equality looks like? Equality for men is equality with women! What is not to like about such a future? Abandon these factories and their useless machinery filling and destroying our world. What do we need but the water that falls from the sky, the air that blows from the four compass points, and the food that grows in the meadow? These companies and their bosses who treat us as wage-slaves have tricked us into all this factory work for too long. Take back the land! Take back the world! These things belong to all of us. Demand equality with the womenfolk. There is nothing a woman enjoys that a man should not also enjoy. End this injustice! Stop oppressing men now! Go home and reclaim your lives”.
Zobo: You should go into acting.
Shuggy: Well I do know how these educated idiots work.
Zobo: Why am I not surprised. Just one problem with your idea though.
Shuggy: Yeah?
Zobo: That Earth place has been on a Monetarist Turbodrive conversion for thousands of years. Goes way back to long before they wrote chapter one of that holy thingy attacking our money-lender guys. Some dude with a beard already tried to object to all that, but only got himself promptly crucified: nails of reality, I guess. Okay - he did make a big name for himself in chapter two of their holy scribbles, but so what? We’re still runnin’ the show for sure! And the bottom line is nothing functions without money, and there ain’t no one gonna alter that down there. Totally bombproof solution!
Shuggy: Yeah but suppose this Charley and his men don’t know that. Suppose they really think they can chuck our guys out of power and ditch all the money systems too. Suppose the men really do abandon paid labor and claim this sexual equality thing with the women.
Zobo: You know nothing. Like I said, the fix is in good and proper. Trying to stand in the way of money down there is an absolute suicide mission. That Earth place is also on our new WringEmDry 3.4 system. That system is now installed on 496 planets and not a single one has ever found a way out in what is - let me see here - 84,000 Earth years.
Shuggy: Wow. That is impressive. But it would cost us badly just the same if they bought into all this Charley equality shite, and all those workers went home – even just for a while.
Zobo: Leave that to me. Even if we have trouble, I have a plan.
Shuggy: You do?
Zobo: Bertha! That heavenly witch can fix anything. Ain’t nothin’ she can’t do. Wind time backward and forward. Change history after it has happened.
Shuggy: I thought all females could do that: change history, alter reality, and stuff like that?
Zobo: Yeah – but not like her. I tell you she’s a goddess and a she-devil all in one. Totally lethal.
Shuggy: So, what you gonna do with her?
Zobo: That’s none of your fuckin’ business. Just a few minutes ago you told me to stay away from her.
Shuggy: Come on! Do me a favor.
Zobo: A favor? A favor! What the fuck? You think I’m one of those all-loving deities about to shower you with divine blessings? You’re fucking hilarious.
Shuggy: Please...
Zobo: Please? Ooooh! S’il vous plait. Por favor. Listen matey: Yo capitalisto. Yo no comprendo your por favor or pleaso wordos. You no givo me no dinero, I no tello you fuckin’ nuthin’. Ass-a-hollo stupido!
Shuggy: What’s dinero?
Zobo: Dear Money gimme strength! Look: okay – gimme 10,000 of those new light-year travel vouchers, and I’ll let you have the lowdown. Deal? I mean, I know you have them, and I sure could use them to get away for a bit; mother-in-law’s comin’ down sometime next millennium.
Shuggy: Well right now I don’t have them on me.
Zobo: An IOU then – plus greed-indexed interest.
Shuggy: You’re a robber!
Zobo: Correct. But please do skip the obsequious compliments before I vomit.
Shuggy: I’m not being obsequiousness. You really are greedy and mean-minded.
Zobo: Yeah, with an A+ honors in both, as it so happens. And your job qualifications would be exactly what ...?
Shuggy: Look I believe in sometimes being a bit reasonable.
Zobo: For fuck’s sake! Keep your voice down or you’ll get us all the sack. And don’t even think of mentioning the word reasonable in front of the boss. Right! Now, what were we talking about?
Shuggy: Sorry. Your plan with Bertha.
Zobo: So, you’re good for 10,000 light-year travel vouchers plus interest?
Shuggy: You really are a total cunt!
Zobo: Indeed. I’ll take that as a yes. Now look: if this equality thing starts to get tricky at all, Bertha can screw about with the time dials, and retrofit the thing up so that this Charley idiot tells everyone that the equality idea is not all about the guys going home, but actually about the women going out to work just like the guys do. And that way he will actually be doing us one huge favor. Not only will we have no trouble with the guys, but we’ll have the women working as wage-slaves too. Come to think of it, why even bother waiting to see what happens; I’ll just get Bertha to set it up straight away. It sounds like their civilization – as they quaintly like to think of it – is probably ripe for the full two-sex screw-over.
Shuggy: Okay, that sure sounds like a plan the boss would like – a sort of win-win for us, and a total lose-lose for those little Earthling people. But come on! Those people would be getting thoroughly shafted from all angles. Surely we can’t pull that off. I mean, would you fall for it?
Zobo: Maybe just for once you have a point. I suppose if those humanoid things down there have got any sort of brain at all, then even they might not fall for such a broad daylight scam.
Shuggy: But then, you said yourself: they’re already on that WringEmDry system thingy.
Zobo: Sure. That completely clogs up common sense anywhere in the universe where it could be a threat to us up here. Reduces all beings to obedient sheep. That Charley guy must already be affected by the system to have come up with so much shite. I mean, it’s not really shite. It’s almost like he’s actually working for us already.
Shuggy: Right. Bertha’s already been doing stuff with him, I reckon.
Zobo: Fuck off! She told me she only likes other men from a distance.
Shuggy: Sure. That’s what they all say.
Zobo: Anyway. Once those silly little Earthlings have their brains fried, and Bertha on top of them, I suppose they really are screwed over good and proper.
Shuggy: Well – you would know. Still – all this is not quite right. I mean, at least the guys on Earth are used to being treated like wage-slaves, but all those women are gonna get one helluva shock if they have to go to work.
Zobo: Oh, don’t start! Next, you’ll be telling me you have some sort of feelings or principles. How did you ever get employed here? Look you idiot: Bertha will take care of it all. I bet before you know what’s happened she’ll have all those women fighting the guys to get at the work. I can hear it already: Rights for women in the workplace! Equality with men!
Shuggy: Oh, give over! In any case, all the work would get done too soon. With men and women working, there would never be enough work to go around.
Zobo: Holy Money in the Bank! You are one unsustainable drain on my equity! For fuck’s sake, I tell you Bertha will fix it. For example, I could have her set up one of those Consumer Robot Addictive Psychology thingies. Plug that CRAP into the mix and quickly you’ll find nobody can work hard enough or get enough money because all they want is endless shit that no amount of money could ever buy.
Shuggy: Still all sounds a bit ambitious to me. Suppose I bet you on the outcome and we meet back here in a couple of hundred Earth years to check the result.
Zobo: Sounds fine to me; just as long as the mother-in-law’s not in town.
Shuggy: So, what exactly are you saying? That no women will be doing the household stuff anymore? Men and women will be fighting over getting screwed in the workplace?
Zobo: Well... one or two women might still be working around the house, but even they will likely be working for businesses – not like the Earth women of today who remain outside our control.
Shuggy: Well I still don’t believe it can be done.
Zobo: You just wait. Those women will actually end up screaming about men trying to keep them out of the workplace. Bertha will likely swing it ‘round to something like Women’s Liberation: stop female oppression! Before you know what’s happened it will be impossible for anyone to live without a job and their own personal income.
Shuggy: You really think this CRAP thing will be enough to sway entire populations into a relentless search for more money to buy stupid shit they don’t need in the first place?
Zobo: Sure.
Shuggy: And Bertha won’t choose instead that all her beloved men get to go home and live happily with their womenfolk?
Zobo: Never. Unlike you, she’s not stupid. Prioritizing anything at all over money means instant dismissal up here. Didn’t you read your contract? That rule came in when they started hiring the female deities. The guys just caved in and accepted it in return for more time off, which they never got.
Shuggy: But wait a minute. For anyone who really wants time off, why not just get fired and then have the time off?
Zobo: That’s prioritizing free time over money! You’ll get yourself fired for that kinda talk.
Shuggy: But what if that’s what I actually want? To get fired?
Zobo: Great! I’ll call the boss right away. But you do realize you’ll have no money? How you gonna live?
Shuggy: I don’t know. Get a job somewhere, I suppose. One with less pressure maybe.
Zobo: Hah! So much for time off. Mind you, that’s just given me a good idea. What about creating a new system that pays all workers a real pittance, and then makes them pay it all back for any time they take off! Brilliant! I can smell a departmental promotion here. So, let me see: what inhabited planets are further down the road than that backward little Earth place? Now that’s no surprise. No planets are quite as backward as Earth – anywhere! Who would have guessed? So, there you go: even a smart idiot like you couldn’t help them if you tried. So, about this bet... I bet you all the money in the galaxy!
Shuggy: How you gonna pay me out if you lose?
Zobo: Well, I’ve got the same question if you lose. The difference is I know when to speculate to accumulate.
Shuggy: Oh yeah? When is that then?
Zobo: When you’re dealing with complete morons.
Shuggy: Do you mean me, or those Earthlings?
Zobo: The Earthlings – you complete moron!
Shuggy: Then don’t call me a complete moron.
Zobo: Okay. So you’re an incomplete moron!
Shuggy: You know, you really are a mean-spirited, insulting and particularly nasty cunt of a deity.
Zobo: Thanks. Now fuck off you sycophantic piece of shit before I start being pleasant back.
Shuggy: So I’ll see you in 200 Earth years then...
Zobo: Hah! Only if Bertha hasn’t taken your job.