Inquisitor: Do you believe in god?

Philosopher: If you want to.

Inquisitor: No – I mean do you believe in god?

Philosopher: Well then the answer would be if I want to.

Inquisitor: But do you?

Philosopher: When or if I want to!

Inquisitor: No, you don’t understand the question. The answer is yes or no.

Philosopher: Surely not. Such a simple answer is too vague to address all the issues.

Inquisitor: Oh – stop messing about! Gimme an answer!

Philosopher: I’m only trying to be logical.

Inquisitor: You philosophers just confuse the rest of us.

Philosopher: People confuse themselves!   Most don’t even know how to ask questions, never mind understand answers.

Inquisitor: Forget understanding stuff!   I just want an answer!

Philosopher: ... the question being?   And do please be precise.

Inquisitor: Fine!   Do you, Mr. Clever Arsehole, personally believe in god?

Philosopher: Ah!   My mistake.   I originally thought you were asking about one believing in god – as in, not particularly me.

Inquisitor: I did ask about one believing in god.   One you!   Or are there two or three of you in there?   Oh, don’t answer that.   You sure know how to complicate a simple question!

Philosopher: You find questions about god simple?   Maybe you should go into philosophy!

Inquisitor: How very clever!   But you don’t get out of it that easily.   I still need an answer.

Philosopher: Well can you be just a little more precise?   Can you please define what you mean by god?   For example, is existence one of his attributes?   Generally speaking, we philosophers tend to believe in things that exist, and not in things that don’t... although it is not a hard and fast rule.   Because what does it mean to believe in anything?   To believe merely that the thing exists, or to believe that it is a force for good, for example?   Or even for evil?   And then there is the Tooth Fairy, you know.   Some people think she is a force for good even though she does not exist.   At least, we presume she doesn’t, but you cannot prove nonexistence – just as you cannot find an absence.   Or at least we presume you can’t.

Inquisitor: Look, I told you.   Stop messing about!

Philosopher: I’m not.   These are serious issues.   An answer is pointless unless we properly define the question.

Inquisitor: Sod all that!   Gimme the answer – you moron!

Philosopher: The answer?   What answer would you like?

Inquisitor: The truth!   Plain and simple!   Yes or no!

Philosopher: Yes or no?

Inquisitor: Yes!

Philosopher: So you mean not no?

Inquisitor: No!   Just tell me the fuckin’ truth!   It’s either fuckin’ yes or it’s fuckin’ no.

Philosopher: Let’s see.   Either yes or no...   I’ll assume the fuckin’ element to be superfluous.   Can I have a clue?

Inquisitor: No!   I mean, I don’t mean the answer is no – I mean, no, you can’t have a clue.   Only you can know!   How could I give you a clue?   If I knew the answer why would I be asking?

Philosopher: Mmm...   You do realize you just gave me a clue after refusing to do so?

Inquisitor: I did?

Philosopher: You told me I was the only one who can know.

Inquisitor: That’s my point!   How the hell would I be able to give you a clue?

Philosopher: Good point!   But you gave me a clue by accident.

Inquisitor: That’s impossible.   I’d need to know the facts to be able to give you a clue – whether deliberately or by accident.   So let me assure you: you really do not have a clue.   And certainly not one I gave you.   Call yourself a philosopher?   Well get this, wooden-top: I absolutely could not know if you believe in god or not, and that’s exactly why I am asking!

Philosopher: You mean that even if I knew and I told you, you could somehow still not know?

Inquisitor: No, you total madman!   I am asking, because I need to know.

Philosopher: But then you are wasting your time; you just told me that even I do not have a clue.

Inquisitor: You don’t know if you believe in god?

Philosopher: Philosophically speaking, it is certainly possible that I do know but, if I do, I am unaware of it.   Like I said, you need to define the question fully before I can respond reliably.   What exactly is god?

Inquisitor: Stop wasting time with this what exactly type stuff!   It’s simple.   God is something you either believe in or you don’t and, depending on how you answer this question, your life will be spared, or you shall be put to death – here and now, as an infidel.   And as a particularly annoying specimen.

Philosopher: Mmm...   Death.   What a trivial affair!   Inevitable for all of us in a manner that makes the how, why, where and when mere details.   But I take it you do realize that by making death threats you risk introducing bias into how some people respond? Generally, I find people more likely to respond impartially in the absence of such threats.

Inquisitor: Fuck you!   Which is it?   Yes or no!

Philosopher: Do you really mean that if I give a certain response you are going to kill me?

Inquisitor: Oh, we’re not so stupid really... are we?

Philosopher: Well, as regards you, I am not so sure on that point.   Previously you stated that god was something that I either believed in or did not, but now you are insisting that I have a firm position as regards something that you yourself do not seem so sure about.   Why ask me?   You seem to have all the information in relation to this matter – what little there is of it.   You even said I was the only one who could know the answer, even though you also insisted that I tell you so that you could know – wholly contrary to your definition of the situation in which your knowledge of the answer was, by your own words, impossible.   So even if I knew how to respond in terms of yes or no – and let me remind you that I do not have a clue in any case – it would be pointless as you could never come to know the answer... again, all according to you.

Inquisitor: You’re too bloody smart to make any fuckin’ sense at all.   How could I not know the answer if you told me!   My ears work!   Speak!

Philosopher: What is the point in me telling you anything about a subject on which I don’t have a clue?   But on a more positive note, I had presumed your ears were in working order when I started talking.   Normally I don’t see any justification in using sound as a communication medium with deaf people.   In any case, I have met your demand that I speak by doing as I am doing right now.   Would you like me to carry on?   I have some interesting ideas on the subject of human understanding.   They will likely keep your mind occupied until such times as you feel like a little nap.   You’re obviously stressed and might benefit from a short sleep.   The human attention span can be quite limited, you know.

Inquisitor: Fuck off!

Philosopher: Oh dear.   Well – have it your way.

Inquisitor: Is it yes or no?

Philosopher: That is the question!   Ever thought of becoming a playwright?

Inquisitor: No!   Gimme the fuckin’ answer!

Philosopher: Mmm... maybe not.

Inquisitor: That’s not an answer!   Maybe doesn’t work!   Yes or no!

Philosopher: Okay.   Definitely not.   Do not become a playwright!

Inquisitor: What?

Philosopher: Do not become a playwright.

Inquisitor: I heard what you said.

Philosopher: Well why did you ask me then?

Inquisitor: I mean, what do you mean, do not become a playwright?

Philosopher: It’s a pretty explicit phrase designed to convey my advice that you do not allocate energy pursuing a career as a playwright.   What do you not understand about that?   Mmm... fascinating.   Maybe I should take notes here...

Inquisitor: I mean, why did you even mention it: this playwright crap?

Philosopher: Ah!   The Great Why!   The beauty of mystery.   The essence of philosophy and life itself.   Why anything?   Why everything?   Why not nothing?   Why, why, why...

Inquisitor: Yeah – why can’t you just answer a fuckin’ simple question?

Philosopher: Excellent question!   Why indeed?

Inquisitor: No, I really mean, why in hell can you not answer a simple fuckin’ question?

Philosopher: Maybe because if I did it would contradict your premise that I can’t.   Let’s experiment!   Try asking me why I can answer a simple question.

Inquisitor: Huh?   Why can you answer a simple question?

Philosopher: Because a simple question has a simple answer!   There we go.   I could be wrong, but it’s my best guess.

Inquisitor: Well now what?

Philosopher: I don’t know.   Let’s marvel at the mystery of it all?

Inquisitor: Right.   But I still need an answer.

Philosopher: Quite a persistent little chap, aren’t you?   Is it still all that god, belief, and yes-or-no stuff?

Inquisitor: Yip.   So, which is it?

Philosopher: Who could ever know, when all is a mystery?

Inquisitor: Me!   Is it a yes-mystery or a no-mystery?

Philosopher: That too is a mystery, as evidenced by your asking the question.

Inquisitor: Yes, but the mystery could be cleared up with just one little word.

Philosopher: Be my guest!

Inquisitor: You do not really want me to make the decision for you, do you?

Philosopher: Why not?

Inquisitor: Well I can get this over with very quickly by just deciding you are another disbelieving infidel and see that you are put to death.   Is that what you want?

Philosopher: If your everyday sense of intuition was working I suspect you would not have asked that question.   Some things are rather obvious.

Inquisitor: Right.   So, you do not want to die!

Philosopher: Not so stupid... are we?   Sorry – just teasing.

Inquisitor: You seem to think this is some sort of joke.   Don’t you realize you could die here?

Philosopher: Another intuition failure!

Inquisitor: Sod your smart ideas.   You deserve to die!

Philosopher: Not so quick!   You were sent to kill me if I did not believe in god – not if your emotions got the better of you.   May I ask if you believe in god?

Inquisitor: Of course I believe in god!   What a stupid question!   That’s why I kill people who don’t!   How do you think I got the job?

Philosopher: Okay.   Tell me more about this god.   What are his main attributes?

Inquisitor: Everyone knows that stuff!   You know, he can see everything that happens, he fights evil, he’s all-powerful... stuff like that.

Philosopher: So he is watching us right now?

Inquisitor: Suppose so.

Philosopher: And he fights evil?

Inquisitor: Yeah.   Sure.   Look, where’s all this going?

Philosopher: So he might punish you if you did anything evil like kill someone who it turned out actually wasn’t an infidel?

Inquisitor: Suppose so.

Philosopher: What punishment?

Inquisitor: Dunno.   Death maybe.

Philosopher: Just death?

Inquisitor: Isn’t that bad enough?

Philosopher: I don’t know.   I’ve heard speak of eternity in burning hell-fires of infinite pain.

Inquisitor: You’re trying to frighten me!

Philosopher: No I’m not.

Inquisitor: Of course you are.   Do you think I’m stupid?

Philosopher: Yes!   It’s not me that’s going to mete out that punishment – it’s your god!   So, who’s frightening who?

Inquisitor: Well okay then.   All the more reason why we need to get the right answer from you!

Philosopher: Indeed.

Inquisitor: So?   Yes or no?

Philosopher: I’m thinking...

Inquisitor: Oh, god gimme strength!  

Philosopher: Maybe you should ask him to stop frightening you first.

Inquisitor: Look how about, since you are so damned smart, you just say yes.   That way you get to live, and I can get on with my day.   I mean, I’ve got much better people to kill than you.

Philosopher: It’s not so simple.

Inquisitor: Nothing ever is with you.

Philosopher: In a world in which your god exists but I am dishonest about my disbelief, and you encourage me to be dishonest, we might both end up burning in hell.

Inquisitor: Ah, so!   We have an answer at last.   If you said yes, you would be being dishonest... which means your honest answer is no.   So, there we have it, Mr. Clever-Clogs-Now-Prepare-To-Die.   Congratulations!   You’ve won the jackpot.   Exposed beyond doubt as a true infidel, you shall be righteously put to death by god’s good servants!   You know, some of you customers can be damned awkward!   Anyway, I am contractually obliged to ask if you have any last requests?

Philosopher: Perhaps.   But whether they turn out to be last requests or not is dependent on whether you are merely extremely stupid or are absolutely so.   I shall voice them in any case.   I request that you reflect on the fact that my previous statements regarding a possible world in which I was dishonest regarding some disbelief in god, reflected nothing more than a mere hypothesis.   As such, they were not intended to reflect in any way the true state of affairs in which we currently find ourselves.   Therefore, I have no responsibility for any and all assumptions, correct or otherwise, you may make based on those statements, as well as any consequences that may ensue from said assumptions.   Furthermore, I request you to note that, as I am through ignorance of the matter still unable to determine my true state as regards any belief or disbelief in a god, and also as I speak under the duress of a fate potentially worse than death, I have a material interest in being scrupulously correct in all these statements.   Finally, I request that you consider that any failure on your part to fully understand the onerous implications of all these matters and the uncertainties to which they pertain, may, in the event of god’s existence, condemn you to spend eternity in hell.

Inquisitor: You should be a lawyer!

Philosopher: I don’t charge enough money.

Inquisitor: I’ve got some very good business contacts.

Philosopher: Why am I not surprised?   Tell me!   What is god’s punishment for failing to kill an infidel?

Inquisitor: Eh... never thought about it.

Philosopher: So, is the punishment for not killing a hundred infidels a hundred times worse than for not killing one?

Inquisitor: Sounds logical.

Philosopher: ...and worth checking out in your line of business, I would think.   How many infidels have you not killed?

Inquisitor: I haven’t not killed any!   I kill ‘em all!

Philosopher: You mean all the ones you find.

Inquisitor: Well of course!   How the hell do you not kill infidels that you don’t even find?

Philosopher: Quite easily.   I’ve not killed every single Martian that I’ve never found.   Effortlessly.   But I don’t see any justification for believing in a god that promises eternity in hell for not killing Martians that one has not found.   So anyway, would your god’s punishment be based only on found infidels that one fails to kill, or is it based on both found and non-found, non-killed infidels?   And does the number of found and killed infidels act in some mitigating way?   And what about non-found but nonetheless would-have-been-killed infidels?   On the other hand, what about non-found but nonetheless would-have-been-killed-by-mistake believers?   All very complicated!

Inquisitor: You mean I could be punished for not killing people that I have not even met?

Philosopher: Anything is possible.   You might even be punished for potentially – although not actually – killing the wrong people that you only did not kill because you did not actually meet them – if you see what I mean.   But note that the word might does indicate that this is only a possibility – but a possibility nonetheless.   And also, none-the-more to be exact.   Or nearly exact, to be both exact and nearly exact.   Philosophy is all about questions that don’t have easy answers, you know.

Inquisitor: Well, I’ll be damned!

Philosopher: Some might say you’re tempting fate there.   Anyway, let’s just tackle one basic question before we get into the deeper stuff...

Inquisitor: You people should carry psychiatric health warnings.

Philosopher: What people should do too easily veers off into political advocacy; let’s keep it simple.   If god rewards you for good but punishes you for bad, what happens if you are a mix of both?   I mean, suppose you are a really good inquisitor killing tens of thousands of infidels, but a little bit bad because you don’t kill every last one, maybe as mentioned – because you can’t find them... What then?

Inquisitor: Dunno.

Philosopher: This is a major problem for anyone in your situation as it seems there is a chance you could suffer terribly if it is not properly and fully addressed.

Inquisitor: Well if you think that, then you must believe in god.   An answer at last!   Now – let me get the fuck out of here before you mess my head up any more.

Philosopher: Not so quick.   We have still to clarify whether you should kill me or not.   I only said there was a chance you could suffer. So just as I did not previously state that I did not believe in god, neither did I just state that I do believe in him.

Inquisitor: You’re so bloody smart that you really do not have the slightest clue what you believe, do you?

Philosopher: Well I’m inclined to neither believe nor disbelieve in a god... certainly not until such times as it is clarified what is denoted by the concept of god – including matters such as existence being a possible attribute.   More accurately, I know, or at least I think, that I don’t know what I believe, if you know what I mean.

Inquisitor: And just supposing I don’t?

Philosopher: Well you could try this... I don’t believe I know what I believe.   It’s nearly the same difference, although difference implies a paradigm wherein sameness is notable by its absence.

Inquisitor: Do you mean you don’t know what you know?   Wow – that sounds illogical.   Do you also know what you don’t know?

Philosopher: I don’t know.

Inquisitor: Can’t you make this any easier?

Philosopher: You find it easy?

Inquisitor: No!   That’s why I’m asking!

Philosopher: Then you mean, can’t I make it any less difficult?

Inquisitor: Evidently not... to answer your version of my question.

Philosopher: Well done.   But let me try again.

Inquisitor: Must you?   I’m beyond caring whether I kill you or not.

Philosopher: Why... I had never realized that you cared at all.

Inquisitor: Look – do me a favor.   Please.   For the love of god – whether you believe in him or not – just tell me if I should kill you or not.   Is that asking too much?

Philosopher: Not at all.   I’m simply trying to get to the bottom of this complex matter of my position as regards a belief in god so that we are absolutely sure that my advice as regards you killing me is the best possible I can offer under the circumstances.

Inquisitor: I can’t take any more of this!   The stress is too much.   God can go to hell.

Philosopher: Well of course he can if he is all-powerful, but why would he want to do that?

Inquisitor: It’s just a statement of exasperation.   Of course he can do anything.   But who gives a damn anyway?

Philosopher: I’ll assume that final question was a rhetorical one.   Anyway, frustration is the enemy of rationality.   Calm down and proceed slowly.

Inquisitor: That’s it!   I’m gonna kill you.

Philosopher: Fine.   You did explain that your way of caring did not include whether I lived or died.   But first we need to be sure that I am an infidel, and then, all going well, you can certainly kill me... but I do in any case suggest proceeding slowly to keep your stress under control.

Inquisitor: No!   We don’t need to be sure of this infidel crap!   We don’t need to be sure of anything!   If I just kill you, you’re gonna be dead and that’s that.   Sod god!   Sod infidels!   Sod believers!   Sod this stress!   No questions.   No problems.

Philosopher: Okay.   But you do realize it would technically be less effort to not kill me?

Inquisitor: Yeah, but it would be far more fun to just go ahead and do it!

Philosopher: So, are you sure that the fun would justify the effort and stress involved?

Inquisitor: Abso-fuckin-lutely.   More so with every passing second.

Philosopher: And it’s all worth the risk of those eternal burning fires?

Inquisitor: Listen smarty-pants... we cannot establish if you are an infidel or not so, the way I see it, that side of things is an even bet either way.

Philosopher: Not really.   If you kill me, that’s final – whereas if you do not kill me today, I could come back tomorrow, giving you more time to think about the pros and cons of it... time to sleep on it, if you like.

Inquisitor: You know what your trouble is?   The more nonsense you talk the more you annoy people, and the more sense you talk, the more you still manage to annoy people.   Sleep on it?   Sleep on it!   How can anyone sleep when there are nutcases like you in the world?   You deserve to die even if you are a believer!

Philosopher: You’re confused again.

Inquisitor: Confused?   Confused!   I’ll confuse you, you fuckin’... you fuckin’... you.. you

Philosopher: What’s wrong?

Inquisitor: Uh... it’s my heart.   The doc told me I absolutely had to take it easy.

Philosopher: Then you should have listened, you silly boy!   Life’s not all about killing people, you know.   I suggest you lie down... uh... I didn’t mean fall down.

Inquisitor: Sod you, you... you...

Philosopher: I’m a philosopher.

Inquisitor: Not the word I had in mind!

Philosopher: No... But then, you’re not well.

Inquisitor: Gosh, I hadn’t noticed.   It’s nothing fuckin’ serious you know... I’m only dying!   This is it.   Thanks a lot!

Philosopher: Well at least you won’t need to worry about killing me or not killing me.   Even I was finding that puzzle quite a challenge.   What a shame we can’t resolve it.   Well you can’t have everything.

Inquisitor: Please, god!   Stick another five minutes on the end.   Just five minutes.

Philosopher: Wow!   You talk to your god?   But sorry – I’m not sure I’d be able to resolve all the issues in only five minutes.

Inquisitor: I sure would!

Philosopher: Would that b