Dear Lover,
You rolled over and slept. Dragging me into your body, I waited for snores, before I unhitched myself, breaking the chain of your linked arms. I dressed with haste, pulling on oversized sweatpants and sweatshirt to cover up the mess you’ve made of my body. Tucking my hair beneath a hood, tugging it low over my face, snatching the keys and wallet, I sneak quietly away. “Shhh, kitty kitty. Let Mommy get away.”
I was on the street, in the night, running, walking, running, keeping my face out of sight, avoiding deep shadows for fear of other men. Running, walking, running, for fear I won’t make it back before you awaken. Fearing it is too late to save myself from you again.
How could you do this again? You have done this before. You teach me daily that it’s always stupid to put my trust in you. I hope this fucking Walgreens is open. They aren’t 24/7 like the ones in Memphis, and I desperately need them tonight.
There was another fight. “We could start a family.” “I don’t want kids.” “You can have them with me.” “I don’t want kids!” “Why are you doing this to me?” “Doing this to you?” “We could be a family, but you don’t want me. Do you?”
I had to fuck you to prove that I was in this thing with you, and you buried yourself deep inside. The trust died again tonight. You tried to impregnate me this time.
Running, walking, running. I have returned to your side. A pill tucked safe in my stomach, protecting me from the inside. Your arm wraps around me and your thigh rubs my thigh. I think about the wake. The trust has died.