7 am, it’s getting late but I don’t sleep, I only wait.
Nimbus 2000{4}
I am new,
Fresh. Turning black.
Phoenix from the ashes grew.
This winter won’t be a death,
Swallowed in the void.
It’s pixelated nineties
With its wonky aesthetic,
Awkward clunkiness
From which you can find
Some video game,
Some advert
With the taped over grey lines.
This is the part where the screen splits,
This is the part where the octave of the music dips
to come back alive.
The picture wavers, toned the wrong colour,
the machine coughs and sighs.
Clouds loom over,
heavy black and grey
but if you don’t feel doomed by it
you’ll be ok
in a strange, icy, fragmented way
like it’s the nineties again
and time tripped up my friend.
Could we go back?
Could we go back
to before this life was a panic attack,
to before when colours were bouncy and bright?
It’s alright, it’s alright,
the chemical shades stand out in this light.
Porcelain
If poetry was porcelain,
Cracks alight
On damaged skin.
Whipping cords,
Just words to him.
Your poetry has been
Living so much
In the subconscious.
So unaware,
Half-awake, semi-death.
There has been
A fault in the matrix.
Did you know?
I could go
And go and go
On.
Pay for my therapy,
You did this to me
But you don’t know
Yes, you do so
And if it’s not a lie
Then before you say goodbye
Read your words carefully,
Come back to me,
Tell me what it is you see.
Buzzkill
Cigarette tongue is buzzing
Vibrating the lining of a breakable skull.
Mind is full
But leaden speech is dull.
The words, keep talking,
It’s real.
This disaster is kind of a big deal.
But no, this time we’re done,
These dramatizations are no fun.
Failed to protect the ones you love,
Failed to instil pride in see above.
More than sorry, it does no justice,
The truth of the matter and of the mess
Is that something is searching within.
Something is seeking the nightmares
It keeps finding
And there’s always a devil pushing you forwards
Saying go now, find the fodder
For when you’re bored
And disillusioned by the phonies.
You want to shake up and
Challenge conventionality.
It’s been a sacrifice to prop up this part,
To maintain the beliefs that are held at heart.
To ruin your profile in the process,
The picture our party so worship.
Our generational attention to image,
To be fake, present oneself as faultless.
Out of the past, I’ll be the first to say
I’m not that way.
Messed up beyond belief,
Way too solid to flake as fake.
Hypernation
Whatever will it take
To keep one awake,
In the night
A gaunt face stands out white.
Those lollipops that took forever to lick
With large rainbow swirls
Did you ever finish it?
Like, look, it’s not my fault
I remember that day
With the ceilidh, you were there.
You pushed me out in front,
I was about three or four,
I was so scared.
Said ‘I don’t dance,
I’m too shy’
Why not baby instead of I?
Forcibly, I was too tiny,
Strangers kept on lifting me.
Spinning round and round with
Raincoats surrounding.
Waltzing, I whimpered with angry tears
At mad women and old men with hairy beards
And now I stay up all night trying to forget
The memories that rush to re-enact,
It must have left an impact.
I get into fights, just to push thoughts aside,
I write trails of long words, a sluice of nonsense to be heard.
I start sentences with I, so sick of ego I could die.
You, whose main concern was
Making sure the water’s surface was unperturbed.
Wiped clean appearance but underneath is
Damaged and no longer functioning,
My royal queen.
What about when I was six or five
And on the first day of lessons you told me
I had to try
To swim without a float,
Instantly perfect with no support
But instead, I began to drown
And nearly bumped my crown.
Told off by the instructor
Who in her state of stress I did scare,
I should have floated into the shade of blue
I was swallowing then and there.
Water lungs spluttering,
Didn’t take any responsibility,
Still got a row
And where am I now?
In the winter with eyes big and brown
Like an aye-aye in a thermograph.
Scrapbooks filled with crap,
Reeling back ’n’ forth,
Pushed until I snap.
Artificial flavours,
So quiet, I am not heard.
Coffee to keep me up,
Dreggs,
Dragged along by the cuffs.
In the library people are squinting at me
Is it her the frightened ones are running from?
I didn’t attend the party,
Too ashamed of my behaviour lately,
Sensitive to others’ perceptions of me.
My only friend calls me on the phone
I love him and trust him and him alone
But I don’t trust, I know how it goes
Abandonment can happen at any time,
No matter what the evidence shows,
Sure he hugged me, called me,
Everything seems fine
But what if it was momentary?
What if he didn’t really mean
Any of what he said? swims around in my head~
At nursery school, always last to go home
When are you coming? When will you show?
The rest of the kids already got to go.
Don’t worry, don’t worry, my guardians take care of me.
You arrive late all apologies.
I had to wait with those two ladies;
The one who is cruel and the one who is kind.
Here’s what in this life I did find:
Everybody leaves if they get the chance,
There’s no point in believing in romance
Because soon your defects will come to light
And they won’t be forgiveable
If you’re fundamentally not right.
All About U{5} (don’t go to the panto)
Cheerleader, I need your support
I’ve got something new I need to report.
No one would be here
At this time
You would think
As December death dawns
At the cusp of the brink.
Just step on the turf,
No one will resurface,
I needed to avoid being on campus.
Serpentine wingmen no longer slide,
Tires tick along as they cycle by my side.
Thought you’d be safe to turn up for a second
But soon as you do they make themselves present.
That one strides past, sweeps a swift look. Boo!
An unwelcome fright as you wait
In the quiet coffee queue
And isn’t it funny once you’ve thought it all through?
He was waiting in the room you just walked into.
There is no avoiding, as you knew would be the case,
Try to express the fact that
They’re unavoidable,
All over the place
More than this, they refuse
To get out of your face.
No, I’m not following, it’s just hard not to stare
When everywhere I go they’re already there.
Expedition to the Friend Zone
How did it feel to make a teenage girl cry?
He won’t let himself remember.
Ironed clothes on the pillow
Before being
Resigned to the doom
Of his bedroom.
The grasping hand couldn’t wait,
In the living room next to the plate
You just ate from.
All kinds of wrong.
Promised I wouldn’t let him do it,
Verbalised the fear, said just let me sit
And speak if you will.
Find something to say,
But still he was silent and got his own way.
Knew where to touch to make it meek,
Knew where to go to turn it weak
Like a branch you could bend
Underneath your big feet.
I cried, so sick of your greedy attack,
Trying so hard to get some dignity back,
Attempting in vain to regain
Normality and not complain.
So, I haven’t found the friend-zone to be,
As of yet,
Much of a problem for me,
You can bet,
Always try to land there
but it’s barren and bare.
It’s either all out or never,
once they’re gone, gone forever.
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
How to be around Narcissa who lies
Vastly huge fibs with large saucer eyes?
That’s the tell,
Should I tell her?
Is the most hellish inhumane way any better?
Her and the other
Stark raving sadistic brother
Who polishes his own picture every day.
Come out to play, it’s OK,
You weren’t born this way, bitter and vicious
And sharp with what you say.
Number of enemies now totalling two,
What can you do?
And so it is true, they are a little bit
Threatened by you.
In constant danger, it does feel
As though the threat is very real
When their perception gets turned around
So the gun points at
Your Achilles heel.
So weak, unassuming, unrequited,
Beginning to wonder how did all this get started?
It started with mind, a magical trick,
Your own sensitivities made them so sick.
But do they not understand?
It does no harm to hold a hand,
The mousy creature just wants a warm place to stand.
Narcissa crushes with her palm
To quell the guilt of her demands,
Digs into ribs, guts wrenched by her hands.
And he, he knows I know his mind
But I don’t mind, it was almost worth the find.
Target her because I came from love
And it’s rare, they cut me bare,
Try to damage the part that’s still there.
Stare on, simple anger waves through
And its temper won’t temper
I feel as though I’m falling,
I feel as though I’m failing too.
I’m waiting on death row,
Waiting to fry my hair in the electric chair.
Anxiety, I missed the cherished child in me
And I feel so sorry for her that I’ve been so weak
For her, for you, for everybody.
In this sharp, shattering world,
Take a sweet child and make it reviled.
Love never stops loving. Not now
And not for eternity
So why does disgust discover me?
Why does hate hover insistently?
Must find love soon instead of hate.
Must find love soon instead of hate.
Must find love soon. Must find love soon.
More than anything else on this earth,
Or its satellite moon.
Change the tide, low to high,
This forgiving god is turning a blind eye.
An Interview
Open the door and let her in,
Now how to start?
Where to begin?
She looked through pursed face,
Eyes were a watery clear dead-end.
Her expression is ugly,
She just looks at me,
Asks with derision
‘What do you mean?’
And it’s just leave me alone, get out of my face, get out of
My face, it’s not my place to…
Last time I sat here at the end of the session
Dripping damp tears with psychotic depression.
She didn’t even pity
But wanted it away,
Struck with disgust
Sadistic silences lay
While she looked down.
Head of…
An authority,
They put you in that position
But you’re not worthy.
I’d vomit on you
Miss empathy
Which is supposed to come first,
Don’t forget impartiality.
When you’re at your most sick from people,
Come and see our crystalline Cheryl,
She’ll help you to retreat,
She’ll snuff you out to sleep.
Luckily I found someone else
Who prevented me from taking the leap.
Professional, I wish you would be
Eliminated, you’re of no use to me.
These people, they know
When you’re at your most weak
That this is when they can walk over you
And cut you off when you speak.
Thank you again for not listening to that,
I know you don’t care,
You were quite open about the fact.
And just remember you have no future. Yes.
I feel odd, is there something wrong with me?
What is the cure?
Yes, there is, go and see your GP,
I’m not sure.
And when she said bye! Go away and
Take all of these pills, well, I don’t still.
Fuck you, I’m ill.
Finish early with mind wired to an amplifier
And soul distilled.
Leave off early like I’m too stupid to tell,
Get out of there quickly so there’s no evidence
And no fresh footprints to see
Where you’ve trodden the ground remorselessly.
Richie’s Reliable Removals{6}
I’m not one of those girls that would think
Like that,
If you know me,
That tells long-winded lies that stink
Of baloney,
Believe in all they fantasize
Like those sad cases who trail after guys,
Not that hardcore living in fiction,
Not prone to leaping to conclusions.
They like to make out I inhabit a dream world
Where I play the role of manic pixie dream-girl.
I never was one to assume
Anyone was wanting romance to bloom,
Never could believe in my mind
Until I’m in their bedroom
Or if I find
The brush of a touch, making it cry.
Protected myself by maintaining
The belief that I
Could never influence
But realised since
That accidents can happen
Believe it or not,
Bad enough to make you wince
when you recoil at the thought.
It doesn’t take much skill I would fathom,
It’s not impossible it seems
But I don’t ever jump to the wish fulfilment
Of my own sad and sorry dreams.
So this is why I find it hard to find{7}
Evidence of your being blind
To my presence,
I think you had a sense
Seemed pretty well aware at the offset since
You were staring so hard
I thought you might tear a hole
Through my guard.
I was trying to downplay,
Ignored the whole thing,
Kept it at bay.
The rapid speech
And the anxious leeching
When English wasn’t the only thing he was teaching
And now it’s all lies, so lazy
That bitch’s psychobabble, it’s crazy.
Dude, don’t play me,
I know you might regret
But don’t cover the hand you’ve already dealt.
You can’t cover up the fact
That I saw you and didn’t react,
Now you’ve made a statement you cannot retract.
That story last semester
Resembles something similar
To what I was put through
No point in mentioning that,
You’d deny it too,
Synchronicity on speed,
Yeah, wouldn’t you.
Whether it’s conscious or not
You were being subtle
You thought
Or made to take the piss?
Well, guess what?
I can read into it and read well,
That’s why this is an English degree, hell.
I know you’re as pure as white ivory
Took it so hard,
Well, excuse me,
Though I’d like the world to know
That what you’re trying so hard to convey actually
Seriously stinks of shit in every possible way.
What you’re trying to look like
Now kinda looks so very frail
Or will once they know the truth
And I live on to tell the tale.
You’re a square and conventional youth
Accidentally intrigued by a strange and solemn recluse
Who doesn’t want to step out of line
Scared of what it is that they would find.
The poseur that people might discover
Who mistakenly fell for something other,
Fell for a crooked witch,
A loner, an occult weirdo-bitch.
Whether they believe it or not
I’ll give all the evidence I’ve got
Because if you’d kept your mouth shut
I wouldn’t call you out.
Shout out to all those adults who can
Deal with things in a manner
That is mature and honest and
Non-manipulative rather
Than spread shit like hot fire
To everyone that they know
To protect their defensive obstacle
Of an overstretched ego.
Please, I can see through it,
Protective, preservative bullshit.
It looks so ugly and untrue,
Must be uncomfortable being you.
Red
That love was red-
Acid reflux.
I felt it in my gut-
The shortest day of the year.
Violins were shrieking sharp notes of warning.
Crushed pomegranate,
Squashed figs in fingers.
Running, reaching-
Sweat, stepping over
Slippery grapes.
Berries under thundering feet
With destructive angst.
Blood pumping through arteries,
Ventricles pounding
Into lusty whine.
No way beneath,
No way around.
Sharp bite of teeth,
Electric shock kiss,
Fast-forward time.
Adrenal gland,
Root chakra.
Take off your socks,
Vino cava.
There was no way, blocked off,
Following the path of fear all year.
Never been through anything so violent
As the thrash of violins,
The height from which they crash,
Falling off that cliff top
Trusting somebody to catch
When there’s no one at the bottom.
Brought out a gun, a cowboy, a sun,
The blazing heat wavering in western eyes.
Pocahontas was simply listening to mother nature
Under shepherdess skies.
John Smith was an insincere warrior
Bringing despair, bringing danger,
Flashing a warning:
Red. Red. Red. Red.
Daybreak
‘I don’t appreciate nature much, to me it’s just there’
Not beautiful in itself, only for our use and
No gratitude, no greater meaning.
For such a small frame which could flight and alight
Gaily in an airy, breezy way
There was something very heavy in its Saturnian trundle.
Sitting there he was a wire hanger for clothes and
Simultaneously a heap of leaden bricks.
When he spoke pebbles tumbled out to hit the floor, with a thud,
Stones were sprayed into each one of its witnesses’ face.
A hard, coal core was he, or more a breeze block,
Both light and big, but used only to hit you with.
Just drop it.
November brings with it its weak, waning sunlight
And the walls we had built up were strong and sturdy
By then. In silence, we sat together,
Back to back, refusing to face ourselves and each other.
Its heaviness was that of tired exasperation, the kind
You wanted to lean on or into, the kind
That made you want to nurse or soothe
Before it became destructive
But protective barriers bore down on slow, lumbersome souls.
Something as summery as sunlight arrived too early,
Filtered in just before it was meant to be, slipping,
Shimmering and yawning as premature and paranoid as
Starlight dawning.
Epilogue
That year I drank my glass of poison,
Swallowed my pain and made a toast-
To my fellow companions, my contemporaries, my comrades
‘until middle age’ in the hope that it forgives us
And then left alone wandering anonymous
In the shadows,
In the space between stars.