And still be there in the morning
Waiting for my night hell to end
And my eyes to open again
To look at you, savior
And know that hope is not yet over
~ 68 ~
You’re not allowed to see me cry
You’re not allowed to touch my scars
And sense the fear in my eyes
Or feel my inside world fall and die
You’re not allowed to witness
my weakness
Or watch me drown in total emptiness
For I no longer hold on to brightness
Or have the slightest desire of greatness
You’re not allowed to fill my gaps
Or look inside my mind when I collapse
You’re not allowed to uncover
my demons
Or hunt them down with your weapons
~ 69 ~
For they are what made me survive
The hell I’ve been living in for a while
You’re not allowed to address my soul
For it’s still pure and safe of wrong
For it still tries to heal the wound
Your world kept hurting for so long
You’re not allowed to wander in
my holly garden
For all it has are faded flowers that
won’t blossom
Crushed by the winds of regret
and boredom
Drowned by all the tears that keep submerging
All of my little hopes and secret wishes of dying
With a smile on my cold, pale face
~ 70 ~
And a petal of hope to conclude my race
Against depression, against falling
Into the infinite well of denial
You’re not allowed to hear me praying You’re not allowed to see the hidden me For all I am is a lost memory.
~ 71 ~
***
There's nothing to save of me, and nothing to save me from.
For I am both the monster, and the victim.
~ 72 ~
***
I lost a bit of myself in the process of recovering from my past injuries, trying to find my way to the light and save the good that’s left in me.