" Age 4-5. Took great delight in the little waterworks. Severely punished for this. Interest in the parts morbidly increased thereby.
" Age 5. Earliest recollection of 'counter-erection'—the penis shrinking tensely into itself, producing local and general discomfort. This resulted from certain kinds of mauvaise-honte,—having to kiss aged persons, having officious help at micturition, bathing, dressing, etc., which caused a sort of physical disgust. Toward puberty the experience grew rare. One such occasion was at about eighteen, when solicited on the street by a prostitute. The very idea of homosexual relations produces it. It would appear to be a powerful safeguard against promiscuous sex relations. I have met two men subject to the same thing, and have heard of one woman subject to something analogous. It might be called a nausea of the 'nether heart' in Georg Hirth's phrase.
" Age 6-7. Earliest recollection of erection. Unprovoked at first. A disposition to punish the organ and satisfaction in doing so. From this time erection took place whenever it was thought about.
" Age 10. Present at a discussion in the playground about the best way of intercourse, which I heard of for the first time. This was followed by enlightenment on the source of children. Concluded it must be very painful to both parties. 'Just the other way,' I was told. But the idea of pain to the genitals was 'interesting' to me. Pain felt by the other sex was 'interesting.' Pained looks captivated me—I liked to imagine some mysterious trouble; and, as I learned more, 'female complaints' interested me greatly in their subjects. I got a 'grateful pang' at the pit of the stomach at the thought, but neither erection nor the opposite. This hypogastric feeling has continued to associate itself with certain sexual impressions. The thought of a woman mortifying herself later on excited me sexually.
Once, pulling a stay-string for fun (my wife never laced) gave me a powerful and quite unexpected erection.
" Age 12. A girl visitor of the same age got me talking about the genitals, and at bedtime came and proposed coitus.
We failed to manage it. The vulva stripped back the foreskin, which was a voluptuous feeling; then we were alarmed by something and separated. I never saw her again. She too liked to 'punish' her vulva. She put whole pepper in it, and advised me to use the same. I continued greatly excited when she had gone; the hand flew to the phallus and worried it, and orgasm came on at once—the childish orgasm consisting of well-spaced spasms of the ejaculators, without the poignant preliminary nisus of the adult orgasm. There was no reaction or depression, except that the phallus—which did not subside at once—was painful to touch. A week or so later I tried again, but failed. A month later, being more excited, I succeeded. I found that I could only compass it about once in three weeks. There were no emissions. I used to have a spontaneous mental image of a small Grecian temple in a sunny park, which charmed me, and I had no scruples.
" Age 12-13. Masturbated once or twice a month.
" Age 13-14. Was sent to a small public school, where it happened that a very good tone prevailed. I learned that masturbation was bad form and unmanly. The proper thing was to save one's self up for women—at about 18. I dropped the practice easily, in spite of indulging my imagination about coitus. I thought of the initiation with prostitutes at 18, with the mixed feelings that even the most combative soldier must regard the fray. The hypogastric feeling above referred to would come on—which I liked and disliked at the same time. The first occasion on which I remember this feeling was when I got my first braces. Anything that harped on my sex produced it. Every time I received the sacrament, which I was forced to do very young, I repented of my intention of whoring at 18—as a man 'must' do—and afterward I relapsed to the expectation. Religion was a great reality to me, but it did not produce the radical effect that the development of the romantic sentiment did later on. (Both my wife and I became free-thinkers at about 30.)
" Age 15-17. Read poetry and romance. Conceived a high ideal of faithfulness and constancy. What a mockery all this loyalty is, I said to myself, if a man has stultified it beforehand. That was no mere castle-building. I had not understood what I was about in expecting to whore. The critical feelings were now awakening, and what they produced was revulsion against the abuse of sex, which got stronger every year. It became plain that there would be no whoring or the like for me; I was far too proud and fastidious. I neglected my tasks, which were uncongenial, and read a great deal of anatomy and physiology, which stood me in good stead later. As I rose in the school I was surprised to find the tone worse, but quite at the top it was better again, and with my latest companions sex was never even mentioned. At 14 I had a friend who importuned me to come into his bed, but I never would get under his bedclothes, for the male sex repels me powerfully in personal contact; he began to talk of masturbation, and now I can understand what he was aiming at. But my day-dreams of nymphs and dryads kept me in a state of perpetual tension, and erection was very frequent. The early morbid admiration of delicate women became replaced by admiration of health and strength combined with grace.
" Age 17-18. I was given a cubicle in which my neighbor on the right masturbated noisily two or three times a week, and the one on the left every night, using intermittent friction to drag it out longer. One night, kneeling at my bedside, saying prayers, my attention was divided between these and the occupation of my neighbor, when, after not having masturbated for four years,—the critical years of development,—the hand flew to the phallus and
"'pulses pounding through palms and trembling encircling fingers'
"procured, in Walt Whitman's language,
"'the wholesome relief,—repose, content.'
"I slept well and had a sense of elation at the proof of manhood, for we boys were anxious about whether we secreted semen or not. The sexual obsession was tempered, and about three weeks later I had my first 'pollution'—
the 'angel of the night,' as Mantegazza with better sense calls it. From that time on I had pollutions every two or three weeks, with dreams sometimes of masturbation or of nymphs, or quite irrelevant matters. For a time these gave me perfect relief; then my 'dilectatio morosa' began to grow again, and the phallus would become so sensitive that working about on the belly would liberate the orgasm.
" Age 18-19. I had kept on persuading myself I was not masturbating—avoiding the use of the hand—but now I dropped this pretense, and frankly conceded the need to myself. I got done with it in a peremptory way and thought no more of it. I had no evil effects, moral or physical, and my mother would often compliment me on my bright appearance the morning after. At that time the appetite matured every seven to ten days, and, though I dreaded the idea of slavery to it, it would have been very hard to forego it. Headaches, which had begun to plague me from puberty on, grew rarer. Pollutions occurred in between, but were less effectual. I had up to this point accepted the incidental pleasure under a sort of protest; but now I got over that too and I allowed what I would prefer to call an idio-erotism (rather than an auto-erotism) its way, always picturing beautiful nymphs to myself.
Surroundings of natural beauty moved me to this kind of reverie, partly perhaps because I had once secretly observed a lad basking naked on the sandy beach and toying with himself. The recollection is wholly unsullied to me. Happening on one occasion to check the stimulation about two-thirds way to orgasm, I experienced a miniature orgasm like the childish one, but with no declension of the tumescence, and I was able to repeat this maneuver several times before the full orgasm. This I later practised in Coitus prolongatus—giving the partner time to come up. I had already got into the way of poising the feeling on its climax. The ejaculator reflex, being habituated to this, seems to set in with its throbs when the maneuver is simulated, though no semen has yet been poured into the bulbous portion for the ejaculators to act upon. If this play be broken off before the critical spasm
—as in the American 'Karezza,' etc.—there is no perceptible reaction, though an unsatisfied feeling remains. But when the act proceeds to emission and the poignant undercurrent of feeling sets in that ushers the ejaculation and may only last two to five seconds, it makes all the difference, and constitutional signs appear—perspiration, etc.
This leads to the question whether the critical sensation specially involves the sympathetic nervous system? Up to that point the process is under control, but then automatic.
"An observation of practical importance to me at that time was this: I awoke in the morning after a pollution at night, with an acute headache of a specific kind, and erection. This had happened before, after pollution, and the erection suggested to me whether 'a hair of the dog that bit me' might not prove beneficial. As the excitation proceeded, the pain in the head was directly drained away, as if I were drawing it out. Other pain is also relieved for the moment, such as neuralgia, but to return soon with interest. This, however, was specific and pure benefit.
The next time I got a bad headache of this character, without preceding pollution, I tried the remedy, at about 10 A.
M. The semen was copious and watery, and the relief was marked, but in an hour's time the headache returned. I had never repeated the act at short interval, i.e. , while the organs were under the influence of a previous act, and now I tried the effect of that. The second emission was also profuse, but much thicker, and the relief much greater.
In about three hours the headache was, however, again intolerable, and, the connection being now clear, I ventured on a third act, which proved to be the most voluptuous I had so far experienced, the nisus being far more intense.
The semen was copious, but thick and ropy, with lumps as large as small peas that could scarcely be crushed with the finger, and yellow in color and rank in odor. After that I was perfectly well and kept so. (The urethra was blocked so that I could with difficulty stroke the masses out.) Later I have examined such semen microscopically and found the spermatozoa dead and disintegrating. My period in my best years—21 to 48—was twice a week, the odd number being an inconvenience, and I have since endeavored to avoid accumulations, emptying the receptacles on the fourth day, when I remembered the interval, even if the organs did not remind me. On the fifth day headache would otherwise appear and perhaps two acts be needful, or, if I forgot about it for a week, three acts running. That I did not abuse the function the fact proves that every year I would forget about it two to three times and have to resort to this drastic mode.[230] But there is quite a different headache that follows on indulgence during convalescence or when the system is otherwise much lowered. Railway traveling greatly accentuates the need with me; also riding. Girls aroused no physical desire, though I chiefly sought their society, and even after the genital tension was so pronounced, up to 20, I was troubled by the fact that women did not affect me sexually.
About this time a buxom girl I liked and who liked me vehemently laid her hand on my arm, in trying to persuade me to give up shooting. The phallus leaped simultaneously. That was my first sexual experience—the proof that the nexus was established between the genital mechanism and the complex of feeling we call sexual.
" Age 24. At this age I went to stay at a house where there were two very pretty girls. I at once lost my heart to the elder, L. B., as she did to me (strong constitution, but refined nature; parents sound; brought up in the country; eleven months' breast-milk). 'What a mother she will make,' I said to myself. Now began a time of the spiritual and physical communion that I had pictured to myself....
"I am 60 now; she is 57. We are still like lovers. No; not like lovers; we are lovers. Of course, I do not mean to imply that sexual impressions have preponderated in our life, as they do in this account. Quite the contrary. We are both strong and, according to all accounts, unusually well preserved. We are very temperate. Since 48 I notice a gradual decline of the erotic propensity. It is now once in five or seven days. Since the menopause her propensity has declined markedly, but it is not extinct, and she delights as much as ever in my delight. She began to menstruate at 12, was regular till 17; then got chlorotic for a few months, soon recovered, though menstruation was often irregular, but never painful. Sexual experience began at 25. I have often wondered if a moderate self-gymnastic of the faculty, in Venturi's sense, would not have educated her genital sphere, and made her a still better comrade—excluded the periods of irregularity and frigidity. The stage of latency was too protracted. We often noticed that, when menstruation was due or nearly so, prolonged love-sports at bedtime would be followed by menstruation in the morning. We never were separated for longer than three months, and on that occasion, menstruation being delayed, she tried what masturbation would do to determine it, and with a positive result. My need, though less, is as imperative as ever. Seminal headaches—as I would call them—have ceased since 50; the accumulation only produces muddleheadedness. But I have not suffered accumulation over ten to at most twelve days. The quantity of semen is also less. The sensibility of the corpora has declined much; that of the glans is unimpaired. Erection is good. Orgasm takes two to four minutes to provoke, against forty to fifty seconds when young; it is in some respects even more enjoyable—perhaps less intense, but much more prolonged. I have no reaction from indulgence. But I never press it; it always presses me. For overaccumulation, with headache or muddleheadedness, the wifely hand is more efficacious than the vulva. Even the most vivid dream of coitus fails to compass the orgasm now. The peripheral stimulus is essential.
"In our case physical and psychical intensity of emotion have gone hand in hand. I have become specialized to one woman, despite an erotic endowment certainly not meager. The pervasive fragrance makes one adore the whole sex, but my wife does not interpret this homage in a sexually promiscuous sense. We both agree in the principle that if one cannot hold the affection of the other there is no title to it. Tarde says that constancy in love is rarely anything but a voyage of discovery round the beloved object. I am perpetually making fresh discoveries. But her constancy, I mean the high level of her passion, is independent of discoveries."
[230]
"A practical question arising out of the foregoing is whether such semen should be committed to the vagina? Its presence is known to me by constitutional symptoms (toxic). It is the last to be expelled, and its degenerate germ-cells have no chance against those of the normal fluid deposited in preceding acts, supposing that to be retained.
But it may well happen that the prior emissions only reach the pouch, whereas the last is injected into the womb itself. I have frequently had the sense of the orifices of meatus and cervix matching directly, especially when she had powerful orgasm (including two conceptions), and of the semen being sucked from me rather than occluded in its exit, as also happens, requiring me to relax the urge a little. At 18 to 19 the semen of a 'pollution' has left tender red patches where it dried on the neighboring skin, and deep straw-colored stains in the linen."
INDEX OF AUTHORS.
•
Abu-l-Faraj, 197.
•
Acton, W., 194.
•
Adler, O., 11, 95, 196, 204, 205, 206, 241.
•
Adlerz, 275.
•
Aguilaniedo, 152.
•
Aldrich, 38.
•
Allen, G. W., 97.
•
Alonzi, 87.
•
Aly-Belfàdel, 238.
•
Amand, St., 198, 230.
•
Andrews, W., 134.
•
Angell, 153.
•
Arndt, R., 243.
•
Avebury, Lord, 259, 265.
•
Bach, G., 127.
•
Baker, Smith, 241.
•
Ballet, 180.
•
Balls-Headley, 231.
•
Bancroft, H. H., 47.
•
Bantock, 12.
•
Baretti, 57.
•
Barrus, Clara, 14.
•
Bartels, Max, 99, 264, 267.
•
Beaunis, 28, 59, 64, 203, 237.
•
Bechterew, 62.
•
Bell, Sanford, 51.
•
Benecke, E. F. M., 196.
•
Bernard, P., 2, 251.
•
Bernelle, 125.
•
Blackwell, E., 201.
•
Bladon, J., 34.
•
Blagden, 71, 76.
•
Bloch, 249.
•
Bloch, Iwan, 99, 105, 108, 111, 112, 126, 131, 133, 148, 202, 267.
•
Bloom, 13.
•
Blumröder, 121.
•
Boerhaave, 64.
•
Bohn, G., 2.
•
Bonstetten, 253.
•
Booth, D. S., 124.
•
Bos, C., 93.
•
Bossard, 125.
•
Bouchereau, 251.
•
Bourneville, 252.
•
Brantôme, 60, 78.
•
Bray, 32.
•
Brehm, 34.
•
Breitenstein, 99, 237.
•
Bridgman, W. G., 14.
•
Brierre de Boismont, 196.
•
Browne, W. A. F., 126.
•
Brunfels, 132.
•
Bryan, D., 240.
•
Büchner, 34.
•
Burckhardt, J. L., 77.
•
Burdach, 28, 67, 242, 246.
•
Burk, F. L., 172.
•
Burton, Robert, 56.
•
Burton, Si: R., 99, 237.
•
Buscalioni, 47.
•
Busch, D. W. H., 200.
•
Butler, A. G., 67.
•
Cabanès, 134.
•
Cabanis, 248, 253.
•
Calmann, 96.
•
Campbell, Harry, 211, 217.
•
Cannon, W., 64.
•
Capgras, 180.
•
Casanova, 166.
•
Catullus, 84.
•
Cellini, 79.
•
Ceni, 15.
•
Cervantes, 79, 227.
•
Chapman, G., 182.
•
Christian, 64.
•
Clark, Campbell, 204.
•
Clarke, E. D., 77.
•
Cleland, 19.
•
Clement of Alexandria, 63.
•
Clérambault, 79.
•
Clevenger, 64.
•
Clouston, 201.
•
Cœlius Aurelianus, 63.
•
Coleridge, 175.
•
Colin, 251.
•
Collas, 131.
•
Colman, W. A., 14.
•
Coltman, 197.
•
Congreve, 68.
•
Cook, F., 15, 268.
•
Cook, J., 46, 269.
•
Cooke, Kev. L. H., 35.
•
Cornevin, 138.
•
Cotterill, J. M., 14.
•
Coutagne, 124.
•
Crawley, E., 47, 73, 259, 263.
•
Crofton, 134.
•
Crooke, W., 46.
•
Cullerre, 179.
•
Daniell, W. F., 271, 272.
•
Darwin, C., 22 et seq.
•
Darwin, E., 174.
•
D'Aulnoy, Countess, 135.
•