repugnant to her. I was at one time, a few years since, much
discouraged and almost hopeless of being able to overcome my
appetite, and I decided that we could not associate unless I
succeeded. At present, with help, I have very largely succeeded
in living with my friend on a basis of normal, though
affectionate and tender, companionship. I have been helped more,
and have learned more, through this companionship, than through
anything else. The keen pleasure that I have felt when in
responsive contact I never experienced in masturbation. So far as
I remember it never took place till I was well along in my 'teens
and was never an habitual practice, except the first summer I was
separated from a school friend whom I loved.
Thoughts of her
aroused feelings which I attempted to satisfy in this way, but
the entire sensuality of the act soon led me to refrain and to
see that that was not what I wanted.
"A peculiar incident that might have some significance occurred
to me about five years ago. I was sitting in a small room where a
seminar was being conducted. The leader of the discussion was a
man about 50, whom I looked up to on account of his attainments
and respected as a man, though I knew him socially very slightly.
I had lost a night's sleep from toothache and was feeling
nervous. I was giving my entire attention to the subject in hand,
when suddenly I felt a very strong physical compulsion toward
that man. I did not know what I was going to do, but I felt on
the point of losing all control of myself. I was afraid to leave,
for fear the slightest movement would throw me into a panic. The
attraction was entirely physical and like nothing I had felt
before. And I had a strange feeling that its cause was in the man
himself; that he was willing it; I was like a spectator. It was
some moments before the assemblage broke up, when my
'possession'
completely disappeared and never recurred.
"Regarding dreams, I will say that not until the past year or two
have I been conscious of having clear-cut dreams with definite
happenings. They seemed usually to leave only vague impressions,
such as a feeling that I had been riding horseback, or trying to
perform some hard task. Sexual dreams I do not recall having had
for several years, except that occasionally I am awakened by a
feeling of uncomfortable sexual desire, which seems usually
caused by a need to urinate. Between the ages of 17
and 22,
approximately, I frequently, perhaps several times a month, would
have vague sexual dreams. These always, I think, occurred when I
happened to be sleeping with someone whom, in my dream, I would
mistake for my intimate friend, and would awaken myself by
embracing my bedfellow with sometimes a slight, sometimes
considerable degree of passion. I have finally arrived at some
understanding of my own temperament, and am no longer miserable
and melancholy. I regret that I am not a man, because I could
then have a home and children."
HISTORY XXXIX.--Miss D., actively engaged in the practice of her
profession, aged 40. Heredity good, nervous system sound, general
health on the whole satisfactory. Development feminine but manner
and movements somewhat boyish. Menstruation scanty and painless.
Hips normal, nates small, sexual organs showing some approximation toward infantile type with large labia minora and
probably small vagina. Tendency to development of hair on body
and especially lower limbs. The narrative is given in her own
words:--
"Ever since I can remember anything at all I could never think of
myself as a girl and I was in perpetual trouble, with this as the
real reason. When I was 5 or 6 years old I began to say to myself
that, whatever anyone said, if I was not a boy at any rate I was
not a girl. This has been my unchanged conviction all through my
life.
"When I was little, nothing ever made me doubt it, in spite of
external appearance. I regarded the conformation of my body as a
mysterious accident. I could not see why it should have anything
to do with the matter. The things that really affected the
question were my own likes and dislikes, and the fact that I was
not allowed to follow them. I was to like the things which
belonged to me as a girl,--frocks and toys and games which I did
not like at all. I fancy I was more strongly
'boyish' than the
ordinary little boy. When I could only crawl my absorbing
interest was hammers and carpet-nails. Before I could walk I
begged to be put on horses' backs, so that I seem to have been
born with the love of tools and animals which has never left me.
"I did not play with dolls, though my little sister did. I was
often reproached for not playing her games. I always chose boys'
toys,--tops and guns and horses; I hated being kept indoors and
was always longing to go out. By the time I was 7 it seemed to me
that everything I liked was called wrong for a girl.
I left off
telling my elders what I did like. They confused and wearied me
by their talk of boys and girls. I did not believe them and could
hardly imagine that they believed themselves. By the time I was 8
or 9 I used to wonder whether they were dupes, or liars, or
hypocrites, or all three. I never believed or trusted a grown
person in consequence. I led my younger brothers in everything. I
was not at all a happy little child and often cried and was made
irritable; I was so confused by the talk, about boys and girls. I
was held up as an evil example to other little girls who
virtuously despised me.
"When I was about 9 years old I went to a day school and began to
have a better time. From 9 to 13 I practically shaped my own
life. I learned very little at school, and openly hated it, but I
read a great deal at home and got plenty of ideas. I lived,
however, mainly out of doors whenever I could get out. I spent
all my pocket money on tools, rabbits, pigeons and many other
animals. I became an ardent pigeon-catcher, not to say thief,
though I did not knowingly steal.
"My brothers were as devoted to the animals as I was. The men
were supposed to look after them, but we alone did so. We
observed, mated, separated, and bred them with considerable
skill. We had no language to express ourselves, but one of our
own. We were absolutely innocent, and sweetly sympathetic with
every beast. I don't think we ever connected their affairs with
those of human beings, but as I do not remember the time when I
did not know all about the actual facts of sex and reproduction,
I presume I learned it all in that way, and life never had any
surprises for me in that direction. Though I saw many sights that
a child should not have seen, while running about wild, I never
gave them a thought; all animals great and small from rabbits to
men had the same customs, all natural and right. My initiation
here was, in my eyes, as nearly perfect as a child's should be. I
never asked grown people questions. I thought all those in charge
of me coarse and untruthful and I disliked all ugly things and
suggestions.
"Every half-holiday I went out with the boys from my brothers'
school. They always liked me to play with them, and, though not
pleasant-tongued boys, were always civil and polite to me. I
organized games and fortifications that they would never have
imagined for themselves, led storming parties, and instituted
some rather dangerous games of a fighting kind. I taught my
brothers; to throw stones. Sometimes I led adventures such as
breaking into empty houses. I liked being out after dark.
"In the winter I made and rigged boats and went sailing them, and
I went rafting and pole-leaping. I became a very good jumper and
climber, could go up a rope, bowl overhand, throw like a boy, and
whistle three different ways. I collected beetles and butterflies
and went shrimping and learned to fish. I had very little money
to spend, but I picked things up and I made all traps, nets,
cages, etc., myself. I learned from every working-man, I could
get hold of the use of all ordinary carpenters'
tools, and how to
weld hot iron, pave, lay bricks and turf, and so on.
"When I was about 11 my parents got more mortified at my behavior
and perpetually threatened me with a boarding-school. I was told
for months how it would take the nonsense out of me-
-'shape me,'
'turn me into a young lady.' My going was finally announced to me
as a punishment to me for being what I was.
"Certainly, the horror of going to this school and the cruel and
unsympathetic way that I was sent there gave me a shock that I
never got over. The only thing that reconciled me to going was my
intense indignation with those who sent me. I appealed to be
allowed to learn Latin and boys' subjects, but was laughed at.
"I was so helpless that I knew I could not run away without being
caught, or I would have run away anywhere from home and school. I
never cried or fretted, but burnt with anger and went like a
trapped rabbit.
"In no words can I describe the severity of the nervous shock, or
the suffering of my first year at school. The school was noted
for its severity and I heard that at one period the elder girls
ran away so often that they wore a uniform dress. I knew two who
had run away. The teachers in my time were ignorant, self-indulgent women who cared nothing for the girls or their
education and made much money out of them. There was a suspicious
reformatory atmosphere, and my money was taken from me and my
letters read.
"I was intensely shy. I hated the other girls. There were no
refinements anywhere; I had no privacy in my room, which was
always overcrowded; we had no hot water, no baths, improper food,
and no education. We were not allowed to wear enough clean linen,
and for five years I never felt clean.
"I never had one moment to myself, was not allowed to read
anything, had even not enough lesson books, was taught nothing to
speak of except a little inferior music and drawing.
I never got
enough exercise, and was always tired and dull, and could not
keep my digestion in order. My pride and selfrespect were
degraded in innumerable ways, I suffered agonies of disgust, and
the whole thing was a dreary penal servitude.
"I did not complain. I made friends with a few of the girls. Some
of the older girls were attracted to me. Some talked of men and
love affairs to me, but I was not greatly interested. No one ever
spoke of any other matters of sex to me or in my hearing, but
most of the girls were shy with me and I with them.
"In about two years' time the teachers got to like me and thought
me one of their nicest girls. I certainly influenced them and got
them to allow the girls more privileges.
"I lay great stress upon the physical privations and disgust that
I felt during these years. The mental starvation was not quite so
great because it was impossible for them to crush my mind as they
did my body. That it all materially aided to arrest the
development of my body I am certain.
"It is difficult to estimate sexual influences of which as a
child I was practically unaware. I certainly admired the
liveliest and cleverest girls and made friends with them and
disliked the common, lumpy, uneducated type that made two-thirds
of my companions. The lively girls liked me, and I made several
nice friends whom I have kept ever since. One girl of about 15
took a violent liking for me and figuratively speaking licked the
dust from my shoes. I would never take any notice of her. When I
was nearly 16 one of my teachers began to notice me and be very
kind to me. She was twenty years older than I was.
She seemed to
pity my loneliness and took me out for walks and sketching, and
encouraged me to talk and think. It was the first time in my life
that anyone had ever sympathized with me or tried to understand
me and it was a most beautiful thing to me. I felt like an orphan
child who had suddenly acquired a mother, and through her I began
to feel less antagonistic to grown people and to feel the first
respect I had ever felt for what they said. She petted me into a
state of comparative docility and made the other teachers like
and trust me. My love for her was perfectly pure, and I thought
of her's as simply maternal. She never roused the least feeling
in me that I can think of as sexual. I liked her to touch me and
she sometimes held me in her arms or let me sit on her lap. At
bedtime she used to come and say good-night and kiss me upon the
mouth. I think now that what she did was injudicious to a degree,
and I wish I could believe it was as purely unselfish and kind as
it seemed to me then. After I had left school I wrote to her and
visited her during a few years. Once she wrote to me that if I
could give her employment she would come and live with me. Once
when she was ill with neurasthenia her friends asked me to go to
the seaside with her, which I did. Here she behaved in an
extraordinary way, becoming violently jealous over me with
another elderly friend of mine who was there. I could hardly
believe my senses and was so astonished and disgusted that I
never went near her again. She also accused me of not being
'loyal' to her; to this day I have no idea what she meant. She
then wrote and asked me what was wrong between us, and I replied
that after the words she had had with me my confidence in her was
at an end. It gave me no particular pang as I had by this time
outgrown the simple gratitude of my childish days and not
replaced it by any stronger feeling. All my life I have had the
profoundest repugnance to having any 'words' with other women.
"I was much less interested in sex matters than other children of
my age. I was altogether less precocious, though I knew more, I
imagine, than other girls. Nevertheless, by the time I was 15
social matters had begun to interest me greatly. It is difficult
to say how this happened, as I was forbidden all books and
newspapers (except in my holidays when I had generally a reading
orgy, though not the books I needed or wanted). I had abundant
opportunities for speculation, but no materials for any
profitable thinking.
"Dreaming was forced upon me. I dreamed fairy-tales by night and
social dreams by day. In the nightdreams, sometimes in the
day-dreams, I was always the prince or the pirate, rescuing
beauty in distress, or killing the unworthy. I had one dream
which I dreamed over and over again and enjoyed and still
sometimes dream. In this I was always hunting and fighting, often
in the dark; there was usually a woman or a princess, whom I
admired, somewhere in the background, but I have never really
seen her. Sometimes I was a stowaway on board ship or an Indian
hunter or a backwoodsman making a log-cabin for my wife or rather
some companion. My daythoughts were not about the women round
about me, or even about the one who was so kind to me; they were
almost impersonal. I went on, at any rate, from myself to what I
thought the really ideal and built up a very beautiful vision of
solid human friendship in which there was everything that was
strong and wholesome on either side, but very little of sex. To
imagine this in its fullness I had to imagine all social, family,
and educational conditions vastly different from anything I had
come across. From this my thoughts ran largely on social matters.
In whatever direction my thoughts ran I always surveyed them from
the point of view of a boy. I was trying to wait patiently till I
could escape from slavery and starvation, and trying to keep the
open mind I have spoken of, though I never opened a book of
poetry, or a novel, or a history, but I slipped naturally back
into my non-girl's attitude and read it through my own eyes. All
my surface-life was a sham, and only through books, which were
few, did I ever see the world naturally. A consideration of
social matters led me to feel very sorry for women, whom I
regarded as made by a deliberate process of manufacture into the
fools I thought they were, and by the same process that I myself
was being made one. I felt more and more that men were to be
envied and women pitied. I lay stress on this for it started in
me a deliberate interest in women as women. I began to feel
protective and kindly toward women and children and to excuse
women from their responsibility for calamities such as my
school-career. I never imagined that men required, or would have
thanked me for, any sort of sympathy. But it came about in these
ways, and without the least help that I can trace, that by the
time I was 19 years of age I was keenly interested in all kinds
of questions: pity for downtrodden women, suffrage questions,
marriage laws, questions of liberty, freedom of thought, care of
the poor, views of Nature and Man and God. All these things
filled my mind to the exclusion of individual men and women. As
soon as I left school I made a headlong plunge into books where
these things were treated; I had the answers to everything to
find after a long period of enforced starvation. I had to work
for my knowledge. No books or ideas came near me but what I went
in search of. Another thing that helped me to take an expansive
view of life at this time was my intense love of Nature. All
birds and animals affected me by their beauty and grace, and I
have always kept a profound sympathy with them as well as some
subtle understanding which enables me to tame them, at times
remarkably. I not only loved all other creatures, but I believed
that men and women were the most beautiful things in the universe
and I would rather look at them (unclothed) than on any other
thing, as my greatest pleasure. I was prepared to like them
because they were beautiful. When the time came for me to leave
school I rather dreaded it, chiefly because I dreaded my life at
home. I had a great longing at this time to run away and try my
fortune anywhere; possibly if I had been stronger I might have
done so. But I was in very poor health through the physical
crushing I had had, and in very poor spirits through this and my
mental repression. I still knew myself a prisoner and I was
bitterly disappointed and ashamed at having no education. I
afterward had myself taught arithmetic and other things.
"The next period of my life which covered about six years was not
less important to my development, and was a time of extreme
misery to me. It found me, on leaving school, almost a child.
This time between 18 and 24 should, I think, count as my proper
period of puberty, which probably in most children occupies the
end years of their school-life.
"It was at this time that I began to make a good many friends of
my own and to become aware of psychical and sexual attractions. I
had never come across any theories on the subject, but I decided
that I must belong to a third sex of some kind. I used to wonder
if I was like the neuter bees! I knew physical and psychical sex
feeling and yet I seemed to know it quite otherwise from other
men and women. I asked myself if I could endure living a woman's
life, bearing children and doing my duty by them. I asked myself
what hiatus there could be between my bodily structure and my
feelings, and also what was the meaning of the strong physical
feelings which had me in their grip without choice of my own.
[Experience of physical sex sensations first began about 16 in
sleep; masturbation was accidentally discovered at the age of 19,
abandoned at 28, and then at 34 deliberately resumed as a method
of purely physical relief.] These three things simply would not
be reconciled and I said to myself that I must find a way of
living in which there was as little sex of any kind as possible.
There was something that I simply lacked; that I never doubted.
Curiously enough, I thought that the ultimate explanation might
be that there were men's minds in women's bodies, but I was more
concerned in finding a way of life than in asking riddles without
answers.
"I thought that one day when I had money and opportunity I would
dress in men's clothes and go to another country, in order that I
might be unhampered by sex considerations and conventions. I
determined to live an honorable, upright, but simple life.
"I had no idea at first that homosexual attractions in women
existed; afterward observations on the lower animals put the idea
into my head. I made no preparation in my mind for any sexual
life, though I thought it would be a dreary business repressing
my body all my days.
"My relations with other women were entirely pure.
My attitude
toward my sexual physical feelings was one of reserve and
repression, and I think the growing conviction of my radical
deficiency somewhere, would have made intimate affection for
anyone, with any demonstration in it, a kind of impropriety for
which I had no taste.
"However, between 21 and 24 other things happened to me.
"During these few years I saw plenty of men and plenty of women.
As regards the men I liked them very well, but I never thought
the man would turn up with whom I should care to live. Several
men were very friendly with me and three in particular used to
write me letters and give me much of their confidence. I invited
two of them to visit at my house. All these men talked to me with
freedom and even told me about their sexual ideas and doings. One
asked me to believe that he was leading a good life; the other
two owned that they were not. One discussed the question of
homosexuality with me; he has never married. I liked one of them
a good deal, being attracted by his softness and gentleness and
almost feminine voice. It was hoped that I would take to him and
he very cautiously made love to me. I allowed him to kiss me a
few times and wrote him a few responsive letters, wondering what
I liked in him. Someone then commented on the acquaintance and
said 'marriage,' and I woke up to the fact that I did not really
want him at all. I think he found the friendship too insipid and
was glad to be out of it. All these men were a trifle feminine in
characteristics, and two played no games. I thought it odd that
they should all express admiration for the very boyish qualities
in me that other people disliked. A fourth man, something of the
same type, told another friend that he always felt surprised at
how freely he was able to talk to me, but that he never could
feel that I was a woman. Two of these were brilliantly clever
men; two were artists.
"At the same period, or earlier, I made a number of women
friends, and of course saw more of them. I chose out some