The father who does not teach his son his duties
is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.
—Attributed to Confucius, unconfirmed source
The fact that there’s no test to determine whether or not you should be allowed to have children is mind-boggling. I, for one, think a standardized test should be issued worldwide before any more procreation happens.
Who would monitor whether or not those who failed actually abstained from multiplying, you ask? Excellent question. However, logistics are above my pay grade; I’m simply the idea guy.
Sticking to what falls within my wheelhouse, though, here’s an example question for our little parental quality screening exam:
Under any circumstance whatsoever, would you even consider allowing your child to bring what sounds like a squeaky dog toy onto a red-eye flight where others are trying to sleep?
The answer choices would be something like:
A) Yes
B) No
C) I am a complete and utter moron
The irony is that I saw seat number 13F—the last available window seat that I assumed would allow me to get some shut-eye—and I splurged on the extra seat selection fee while poo-pooing that myth of bad luck. But not only did seat number 13 turn out to be unlucky, but the F apparently stood for something like, “Why don’t you take your plan to sleep and you go Fuck yourself.”
Question #2:
If your child was screeching like a howler monkey, while kicking and banging on the back of someone else’s seat, would you:
A) Calmly explain to them that such behavior is unacceptable in a civilized society.
B) Give them a quick slap upside the head.
C) Encourage them to take off their shoes so that a putrid stench emanates throughout the plane.
Now, at this point in our fertility privilege test, if you’ve chosen C for either question, your testicles or ovaries would immediately be removed, because there’s just no place for genes like yours in our newly monitored gene pool.
I would have come up with more questions, but quite frankly, I got a bit queasy from the smell and couldn’t think straight after that. That said, I’m not sure more than the two questions above are really necessary.
Alas, until the day this ingenious plan takes flight, happy procreating.