The Master said,
“Rotten wood cannot be carved;
a wall of dung cannot be whitewashed.
[...]
It used to be that with people,
when I heard what they said
I trusted their conduct would match.
Now I listen to what they say and observe their conduct.”
—Analects of Confucius - Book 5, Chapter 10
Friends, family, colleagues, strangers: all of these, at some time or another, will do something contrary to what they say. No one is perfect. I understand this, but I’m still triggered by what I’ve found. It boils down to failed expectations and my attachment to them.
I’ve been embracing this concept of non-attachment lately, and it’s truly something to keep at the forefront of the mind. Anytime feelings of anger, sorrow, or anxiety bubble up, I meet them with a mantra of “non-attachment,” and they immediately lessen their hold over me. From there, I can view the situation from an objective point of view and evaluate what’s going on.
A one-time offense of doing contrary to what’s said is merely something to be noted, but repeating patterns are what should be taken into consideration. Still, your emotions aren’t to get involved. Instead, your perception of the other person will change. (It’s more difficult when that other person has some kind of influence over your life, but the point is that getting emotional over the situation never helps anything.)
This may result in outgrowing people you once looked up to, accepting that, and moving on. It’s the attachment of what that person was “supposed to be” to you that nags at your feelings, but ultimately, other people’s words and actions are out of your control, and all you can do is keep your own word and hope to be a shining influence for others.
I wrote this in my journal after a recent experience of failed expectations:
Drop need. Drop desire. Drop expectations.
Embrace flow. Embrace neutrality. Embrace non-attachment.
This mindset has helped mitigate the emotional response to things out of my control, and so I pass it along to you to do with it as you will.