Honoring
Whenever I run into a problem that requires me to be tough with people, like my sons, I remember Paul. I remember how I felt one day when Paul looked at me and told me he was disappointed in me. I remember how much I, who cared so little about what others thought, cared so much that I had disappointed a man as tough as Paul. I do not fear a fatal illness because of him. Most people fear death not because it’s the end, but because they fear what the ending will be. Should I ever find myself in that position I have something to model my last moments after. I will make every effort to be as strong as he was. I will make the moments I have left in life worthy of remembering.
I will never leave another friend behind because of Alex. I will forsake a moment of my own pleasure, and I will never know for sure if my action saved a friends life, or just a moment’s pain. Good friends won’t ask you to stay by their side when they can’t move on their own. Good friends don’t have to ask, they just do it. As will I from now on. I will never walk away from someone I love again. I will always tell people I love that I love them. I won’t care if it makes me vulnerable for a moment. I will not worry they will abuse me or use it to hurt me later. If they do, they are not really a friend. No better way to learn the truth. It does not make me the weak one to admit my feelings. Just the opposite, it makes me far stronger then most. Should a friend of mine ever dishonor our friendship, I will renounce it, as they do not deserve to be put in the same class as those people who did deserve my love and respect. Honoring myself, respecting myself in this manner, is the utmost in cherishing the memories of my lost friends.
Rob’s Honor
Because of Rob, people who I call friend will earn that right and respect. I will not overuse that word. I have learned what it takes to make a true friend. I will not dishonor the memories of my true friends by calling someone less deserving by that same name. And because of Rob, I will always honor those who have gone before me by actions that make a difference in someone’s life. Sitting on a gravestone honors the death of the person, not their life.
I will be a stronger parent because of the things I witnessed other parents doing after the deaths of my loved ones. Should I ever find myself in such a horrible position, I will honor those parents in my own reactions. I will look out for their friends and do what I can to make sure we carry on this circle of brotherhood. I could do no less. We carry around the baggage of our parents and their parents so often; it’s up to us to pack our own bags in the end. It’s easier to carry on a circle of hate and anguish then it is to toss those bags to the side and carve out your own paths.
I want to make it clear that this is simply my opinion, but I feel the best way to honor the dead, is to honor the living, openly. It’s incredibly sad that on a normal basis we do not talk about the good in people until they are dead. So often we keep silent on how great someone is, but then they are gone one morning, and we go on and on about their virtues until it brings us to tears, and regrets. It’s more apparent when you watch the Hollywood drama play out after a celebrity’s death. One day someone is alive and well and making movies, that’s all you hear. The next day they are dead and you hear about all the time they spent in children’s hospitals, you hear about the hours they put into charities to make money for uncountable causes.
When you hear about someone going above and beyond the call of duty, find them and tell them. Write them a letter. Make sure they know how much you appreciate what they are doing. Make sure they know how much you respect them for it. Most people would rather be recognized for running a marathon to raise money for cancer patients, then be recognized for how great they did at school last week in that football game. If you pay attention to things you see on television then pay attention to the proof of this. So often you will hear someone famous talk about how their best moment in life was when they touched the heart of another person from Idaho or Ohio. Rarely do you hear them talk about how their one shining moment in life was when they made that movie and someone congratulated them on a performance well done. It is the private performances we are the most proud of. Those are the things we want to be remembered for.
I finally got some use out of all the years I’ve been journaling. No more then a week after Rob died I had written a page of feelings. They were my feelings on appreciating life and honoring my friend. One day I stuffed down what little bit of a shy self conscious girl that was left of me and called Robs mother. I had to let her know how much I had been thinking of her. I told her I had something I wanted her to listen to, something I had written in honor of Rob.
“Of course I want to hear it. Read it to me.” So kind, gentle and still freshly wounded, she was allowing me to help us both heal a little bit. Swallowing the lump in my throat I read to her.
On March 13th of 2001 I lost something that was most dear to me. I lost my best friend Rob. I call him my best friend not because he was there with me everyday, but because he was there when I needed him the most. He was the friend that I did not have to worry about stabbing me in the back for ANY reason. Most people can not say that they have ANY friends like that. He was the one who was there for me when I had a hard time coping with the death of another friend I had lost shortly before I met him. He was there when I came to work upset with the world for all the crap that is in it. He was the one to listen to me rant and rave when I was mad as hell and tried his damnedest to make me laugh instead. It always worked. You would have to know me to know what an awesome feat this is.
I met Rob 5 years ago at a job I was working. I just felt instantly like I knew him. I told him he looked very familiar to me. We talked and figured out that his mother was a Social Worker whom I had met when I was 12. My mother was frustrated with my rebelliousness and sent me to a facility in which Rob’s mother Jen worked. That’s when I looked at him again and thought that he was a carbon copy of her. She was the only female in my life outside of my own family that I had ever looked up to. And still to this day, that thought remains the same. She was the only role model I have ever had or ever will. I admired the way she dealt with the teens in the facility I was housed in. I loved her for taking up for me to my parents when no one else had ever done the same for me. I wished for her strength in my own life. She is rock solid in her opinions as I am, and there’s not a damned thing anyone can do to change them. I love her for that. And that’s why I love Rob. He is a carbon copy of her. You could not feed him crap and expect him to eat it and say nothing. He was the first one to tell you how full of it you were. His personality so closely resembled mine that it was not long before I ceased thinking of him as a friend and began to see him as my brother.
After all, his own mother was there for me at a time when my own was not. As a teenager of course I did not see the sacrifice she was making, as an adult I see it clearly. She had her own sons to raise. And from what I know, Rob was not the easiest to raise. Just like me. But she came to work everyday and worried about these kids who had no one. They were her kids, and they felt it. When we were busy torturing the other counselors and Jen arrived we all scurried back to looking like we were some kind of innocent kids. She saw right through all of that, every time! All these qualities she possessed were reflected loudly in Rob. Although I am making this part of this journal for Rob, I wanted to say something about Jen and Pete. It’s just too sad and selfish that we never say the things people need to hear about themselves while they are alive.
So while I am making this page a tribute to the dear friend I have lost, any tribute to him would be a tribute to his parents that raised him. I have yet to meet another person who loved and respected his parents more then Rob loved his. I don’t know his father Pete that well, except for all the wonderful stories Rob left me with. I do know, that here’s a man that works all day and came home probably almost every day to learn what Rob had done today. Not just that, I can not count the times I have been at Robs house in his room with just him and I or a few other friends, raising hell and playing loud music only to walk out of Robs room expecting to get dirty looks from angry parents and see him smiling and saying Hi Joy! Bye Joy! Be careful Joy! Any child from a not so perfect home would give the world to have had parents like these. Thank you Jen and Pete for giving the world a chance to know Rob, you gave us an angel and I appreciated him with my very soul.
Sometimes we talked about things important to us. Sometimes we need not say a word, just look at one another and grin because we knew what the other was thinking. I have a brother named Jeff that I have only met once; he is my brother by blood. Rob was and always will be my brother by choice. We all can not choose the people that we will give our hearts to and sometimes when we do it becomes some of our deepest regrets, but not here. Not with Rob.
I think all this only goes to show how you never know when and where you will meet that person that will impact your life the greatest. Do not always walk around thinking that the person you are looking for has to be your significant other. Do not think your soul mate is only in the guise of a lover. Do not wait unhappily for your knight in shining armor to whisk you off your feet, when he could be standing right by you kicking you in the ass for all the stupid things you do. Most people live a lifetime before they figure this out. Most all of those people leave this world disappointed. I will not, as I have learned way too hard and way too many times how important those people who we ‘pass in the night’ can be.
In the light of the ignorance of others and the need to ‘keep on moving’ attitude that has so infested this city, this state, this country, this world, I wanted to take the time to point out that the ‘small things’ or the things you never consider to be an important part of your life, are really the only things. They say when you die, before you go, you see your life flash before your eyes. Those that have had near death experiences always come back and want to acknowledge or recognize those people who made a difference. Teachers get phone calls, old friends find themselves with renewed friendships and sometimes even feuding families or lovers find their way home. When I die, none of those moments flashing before my eyes will cause me pain, as I have made my peace each and every moment I have lived, and lived without regrets in could haves and should haves, simply because I will have.
After I read it to her, both of us choking down tears, she thanked me. She told me it was important to her that she felt as if her sons’ life had effected others. That it was one of the most important realizations she had come to since he had died. My reply to her was that he had effected me, not only had he effected me, but he had taught me. He was only able to teach me, because she had taught him. This is why I encourage keeping a journal of your hardest moments. At the time I wrote the entry I had to stop every few seconds to wipe away the tears. The tears cleansed my soul at that moment. The entry itself helped to heal both myself and his mother. I could have kept it to myself and there would have been nothing wrong with that either. Sharing it though, had done worlds for a couple of people in pain over a deep loss they had in common.
Alex’s honor
At the beginning of 2005, I sat and pondered for the first time making a New Years resolution. Through insane amounts of writing and blogging over the last year, I had truly found a settled peace. The ‘not what I wanted but I’ll gladly take it’ type. I posted this on my web log, it was another little good-bye.
Once you lose someone you find that every once in a while, you have those little moments where its almost like the first time you felt the loss, blindingly fresh for one moment then back to past where it belongs.
To my missing angels….January 3rd 2005
That means that I’ve been missing you, Alex, for almost 12 years now. I can’t even believe that myself. My boy, my running mate, my partner in crime, and the first boy I kissed, my best friend. You were, you are, all those things to me. Every time I think about you I remember the dream, the night you died. I remember the Cheshire cat grin you had often. I remember the sneaky things we used to do. I remember the partying, I remember the laughter, and I remember the common ground we stood on with each other. I remember you putting your arm over my shoulders when I was about 12, to walk me to your house in the snow, when I was crying like a baby. I remember your efforts to protect me, though you were the same size as me. I remember all the nights we hung out. I remember all the mornings I woke up freezing in your car, sleeping in the same bucket seat as you. I remember thinking it was a good thing we were both so small or we would have froze to death one of those nights. I remember how you loved your mustang. I remember how you loved your aunt and granny. I remembered how you loved me. I remember that although you were a part of a big family, you were in essence just as I was. Alone.
Now I am alone without you. Now I have gone on 12 more years without a little piece of my heart that I grew so fond of. I remember the ache in my chest the night I learned you died. I still have the guilt fresh on my soul for feeling responsible for your death. I could have kept you here. I remember I learned that night to sacrifice anything, if you love and value someone enough to. Only if they don’t ask. Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t. You didn’t. I remember the lessons I learned about true friends, and what they will do for you or with you, just when you need it the most. I remember always, that when things get hard on me, that nothing was as hard on me as the night you died. Nothing gets worse then that. Even if I knew I would die tomorrow, it wouldn’t hurt as that night did, that year, these 12 have.
Never in my life did I dream anyone could or would come close to replacing you in my heart and soul. Then I met Rob. About 6 or 7 years after you left me. He was worth the risk. I called him my friend, and he called me his. He was my friend for over 5 years. I remembered the loss of you Alex, and I appreciated him that much more for it. I remembered the worst part was never having actually said I love you, though I know you knew I loved you. I made sure I told him I did. I did it all right. I appreciated, I loved, and I sacrificed. And Rob, my angel, he sacrificed for me too. All those times he drove me home and dared John to hit me in front of him. He would have beaten his ass. John wouldn’t have ever messed with me with Rob around. One call and Rob would have been at my house so fast beating John up, defending me and I knew it. So did John. He always accused us of sleeping together. Right up until Felicia called my house and told me you had died. I thought she was lying. I was sick inside. All that pain, all that loneliness…it all came flooding back. I denied it to myself. I screamed. I remember the screaming like it was yesterday. The screaming brought John running from his bedroom because of course, as usual, I slept on the couch and that’s where I was when Felicia called at 8am or so to tell me you were gone. He held me while I cried. He knew you were gone, he knew you had taken an important part of my heart with you. I’m sure it scared the hell out of him. Good. The pain was blinding, harsh and cold. Deep inside, I felt dead. I wanted to be. The funeral was horrible. You were cremated just like we talked about wanting to be so many times. But then, there was no where to go to honor you. I used to visit Alex’s grave before you died. Then I realized that he wasn’t there. You weren’t there. The only place I could honor you both, was in my heart.
And here I sit. Trying to do so, pouring out my soul in font because there is no one to share this with. There is no one I hate enough to burden with the pain I feel for the loss of you both. To this day, when someone is nice to me, as you both were, I feel that aching loss for a quick moment. I feel alone although I know at least one of you has watched out for me over the years. I should have joined you long ago.
Ok so the lessons I learned. Appreciate the little things. Say so. Act so. Don’t hurt or lie or scam the people you really care for. They might not be here tomorrow. Nothing hurts worse or longer then guilt. Take care of your friends, your family. Protect yourself enough to keep yourself alive and sane, but rely on someone worth your time to protect your heart from the worst the world has to give. You can’t do it alone. No matter what you think. Even if you really believe you can, you don’t want to. Quit wasting time. You don’t really have that much. You might only have a minute, an hour, a day, a year. Do you want to risk it? Do you want the last moments of your life spent in regret for what you should have done, said, or been? I don’t.
I love you Alex. I loved you enough to name my son after you. He has your calm demeanor. He has your sweetness. He was born a year to the day you died. In my heart and soul, I hope a little piece of you is in him. Nothing could make me more proud.
I love you Rob. That’s all I can say to you. I know you heard it before. But I can’t bring myself to type out any more of the reasons why I should have loved you like I did. I only know I did, I did the right thing. I told you, I appreciated, and I still lost you.
To this day whenever I get close to someone, I fear that my closeness to them might cause their death. I know, it’s terribly stupid. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out why you were both drug through my sorry life, to protect me, to love me, then to die on me. I doubt I will ever get over that feeling. I don’t even care to. It reminds me to appreciate the people who are worth it, right now. And not to wait one single second to tell someone how I feel about them.
I am a better person for the deaths of my two best friends. I’d rather be the same old piece of crap Joy though, if I could have you back, for even just a minute. Someone stole my angels. And most days, I can’t wait to get back to them.
I do not fear death because of them. I know that no matter what, when I die…. I will have two beautiful angels to walk me home, arm over my shoulders, protecting me from all that I fear. Or showing me why I shouldn’t fear anything as long as I have them by my side.
I can almost feel you both smiling at me for the decisions I’ve made recently in my life. I have a sad sort of peace today. Sad because you two are giving it to me, and I can’t return it, not yet. Peace because I feel your approval. I feel whole for a minute. I feel that in writing this, you have heard me. That you know I still love you, honor you and remember you daily.
This year I quit wasting time.
Posted by Joy
The last line was the first New Years resolution I’ve ever made. I’ve kept that promise to myself so far.
I had been blogging for over 6 months when I made this post. I made the blog to work out the issues I was dealing with over the deaths of Alex and Rob. I had typed their names, their whole names into that blog time and time again. Yet a couple of days after the missing angels post, I received an email from someone I had never expected to hear from. It was Alex’s only love, his long time girlfriend, Tammy. The reason Alex and I had so much time together before he died was because him and Tammy had just broken up. All those nights in his car, all those lonely moments where he shared with me how much he missed her, how much he really loved her. And there she was in my email. I had never really known her but of course as a friend of Alex’s I had made those ugly mistake years before. I had judged her. Alex was so sweet, she didn’t treat him good enough, and she wasn’t good enough for my friend. She didn’t reply openly on my blog, but her email spoke volumes.
Joy,
I do not know who you are, but I know the person you write about very well. He was my boyfriend for years. I have spent the last 12 years missing him too. I know this is the same person, I just don’t know how come we have never spoken. Please email me back. I’d like to talk to you. I have since been married and I am very happy in my marriage, but Alex remains in my heart. We parted badly and then he was gone. I googled Alex’s name and came up with your blog.
Tammy
I was astounded. I was so shocked. Then I immediately googled Alex’s full name with the expectation that I would see it right away. I found over 10,000 hits. I flew through at least the first 30 pages of results, without finding my blog there. I remembered in that moment how much he had loved her. I recalled his sadness in missing her. I recalled him wishing over and over that she knew how much he felt for her. Suddenly, out of nowhere, out of a heartfelt post, I found meaning to my grief. Twelve years later I knew how very important my part was in his life and death. I realized that I had within my power the means to take a great weight off the chest of this girl who he had loved so dearly.
Tammy,
I grew up with Alex. He was a huge part of my life until he met you. I want to say a few things here and I don’t mean to bring up old hurtful feelings, I just mean to be honest and honor the love I had for my dearest friend. I have always known you, as you are the one who is the reason I didn’t get to spend a few years with Alex. I have judged you unfairly. The fact that you still love him enough to have googled his name just as I have been still writing about him tells me one thing that means more then anything in my life at the moment. That he is remembered, that he is still loved. The fact that you found it through google when I can’t find it that way myself tells me that perhaps there is a force at work here that is beyond both of us. I’ll call that force Alex.
Suddenly I know why Alex was brought back into my life so shortly before he died. All of the anger at having been taunted with the love I had for this man is gone with the arrival of your email. I was put in this position to ease your pain. I was given those last few months with Alex because you two parted before you should have. You parted still in love with each other. Alex loved you Tammy. Until the day he died, he loved you with all of his heart. I know this with so much certainty because of only one thing. He told me. Over and over again. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your marriage and live guilt free over having parted with your first love. It was just chance that brought you together, just as it was chance that tore you apart. I hope I have eased your pain as your email to me eased mine. It has been a long twelve years for both of us. I think it is time to live again.
Thank you Tammy
Joy
That was not all. The most beautiful part, the most healing part was yet to come. She had mentioned in an email that followed my last one that she still kept pictures of Alex. She kept an entire album of memories of him. I had mentioned that because of an unexpected move from my apartment where Alex’s spirit had visited me that I had lost all of the pictures I had of him. Except for one that Janet had gotten Paul’s’ mother to make for me years before.
Joy,
I have made copies of many of the pictures I have of Alex. Pictures of our relationship. Even a picture of him in a tuxedo when he went to my prom with me. Meet me tomorrow and I will give them to you.
Tammy
I believe that in that moment I felt the weight of the world ease itself off of my heart. I was going to have pictures. I was going to have a picture of Alex in a tuxedo! I was elated, I was happier then I had been in twelve years in that very moment. Oh, I knew it would hurt me deeply to see those pictures again. The only pictures I had left in my memory were the ones of my last moments with Alex. It was time to put those frozen moments to rest. I was going to see Alex as he had been in life again, not how he had been just before death. According to google, the chances of our having come together in this way was 10,957 to 1. In my heart, it was a billion to one. I don’t believe this was just an insane coincidence. I believe it was angels at work. My angels. It felt like Alex knew we both shared in the pain of his loss, and there was no way to ease that pain short of bringing us together. I could share his feelings with her, she could share her memories. It was a beautiful trade. Proof that no matter what the loss, never give up hope. What if I had given up? What if I had caved into those emotions and just lost myself, not spent the time typing out my feelings, sorting them out? Tammy would still be suffering and that is so utterly unfair. We were lost links. Someone made sure we didn’t stay lost forever.
The basis of this entire chapter comes down to 3 words. Take the Time.
You will often hear people saying things like, “Well if I can’t find time to do it, I’ll make the time!”
We are merely humans, we do not make time. We can only take it as it comes and do what we can in the moments as they are passing us by. No matter how much some of us wish it otherwise, there are still only 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour. It would take 3 minutes of one of those hours to type up an email or 5 minutes to write that letter to someone who has done something special that you recognize. It would take 2 hours of that day to run that marathon in honor of someone you loved.
We rarely end up what we wanted to be. We always end up what we believe we can be. Carry that thought with you through this journey we call life. You will be exactly what you believe you will be. If you believe the worst, expect it to play itself out as you pass through life. Even in the moments when I said “I give up”, I knew that was just talk, just a rebellious moment. You can not give up. If you give up, then who is left to honor those that you loved? If you give up on yourself, you are giving up on them as well.
Even in the days and years that passed by after the loss of my friends I had to face down their deaths again and again. Running away will do nothing but prolong the pain. I know it seems hard to believe, but if you just keep on going, keep on surviving, you will see proof of this, over and over. It is worth the wait.