Epilogue

As I was writing this Hurricane Katrina struck the gulf coast. My heart goes out to those who find themselves questioning where their lives are headed or even their meaning in life. I have been there, time and time again and there is no feeling that causes more loss of your sense of self-worth then tragedies such as these. When these horrible things are televised, as they should be, even people who weren’t in the direct line of fire begin to question things they normally don’t find themselves pondering. Most of us are affected by national and international tragedies. The ones who are compassionate by nature tend to be effected the hardest. I know that since the day those images began making their way to the television, I have been an emotional mess. I have cried inwardly at all the images of the bodies so desecrated, lying in the streets, sometimes not even respectfully covered. I have been angered as the rest of the world has at the seemingly ignorant responses to the plight of these Americans, but mostly I have been worried about those left living and their emotional health, no matter where they are residing currently, it is what is in their hearts that matter. I have felt a bitter taste in my mouth each time these people have been referred to as refugees. They are Americans; they are our brothers and sisters regardless of the place on the map in which they were born. Children who have never had to confront death are seeing it in their daily lives over and over as the days go by. Teenagers who have been used to being comforted by their parents are now left to work some of these very serious issues out in their minds, by themselves. That is the scary part to me. A child that has been protected and sheltered by their parents, never having had to face a disaster of such phenomenal proportions, is now sitting in the eye of the storm, even though the literal storm has passed.

While emotions are high and people are so displaced things are still a little too hectic for them to be able to make the time to stop and consider the damage this may be doing to the delicate souls that are our children and young adults. One of the most hurtful things I have witnessed on the coverage of this disaster is when a group of officers were talking to a reporter and were telling of a fellow officer who had been so worn out and worn down by the human suffering that they had ordered the officer to take a day off and get some rest. The officer retreated from the human horrors and committed suicide. The officers, friends to the one who had killed himself, were very distraught. They were blaming themselves for his death. I should have kept him with me I heard the officer in command say in so many words. It is ok to realize that in some circumstances, there is no relief for the self-blame. Although I wanted badly to talk to that man, and convince him that his fellow officers’ death was not his fault, I also realized that at this point, with the pain so fresh, it might be entirely impossible to relieve him of the guilt he was feeling. I can’t imagine the horrors an officer would have to witness, after having been an officer and seen some of the worst the world has to offer, that would cause him to want to end it all. Most important is the ability to empathize with this. No matter what he witnessed I still believe that suicide is a very selfish act. Now his brothers and sisters; related or not, are left wondering what they could have done differently. I don’t feel that it is fair for them to dually suffer but now they are. Unfortunately I also empathize with the one who committed suicide. At that point I also realized that if a seasoned officer could have so quickly given up, what is going to happen to the more innocent souls who are witnessing this catastrophe? They are going to need help beyond food and water. They are going to need to learn some coping skills long before they get to the point of wanting to just be gone from the horrors they are witnessing. I am hoping that they get some grief counseling in the form of others who can empathize with them, or from someone who has an extra helping of faith they can share with these Americans that could use a shoulder to cry on. I can only hope for them that they have at least one friend who is willing to cover them as mine had done for me.

If I could publish this book for the sole purpose of sending half a million free copies to the Red Cross to be distributed to the survivors of this disaster, I surely would. More important, if I could be there to speak to the survivors and live with them side by side to help them through their misery, I would. Sometimes, indeed, misery does love company. In a case like this though, I believe misery just loves a friend who can be stronger for you, when you have no strength left. Those Americans in Louisiana, Mississippi and the other effected areas are my brothers and sisters in my heart. It is their souls that need comforting. I appreciate the efforts of every single individual who has played a part in lightening their pain and suffering.

The biggest lesson I wanted to teach in this book is one that I saved for last. I meant to put it in the peaceful moment’s part until this disaster hit our country. In waiting I believe I have found an even better forum to introduce it. When you have lost a loved one, and you are in those moments of utter despair and hopelessness, you might tell yourself that you can’t live through it. You will. After some time healing from it you will always regard those moments, those days so soon after your loss as some of the worst in your life. Understandably. Remembering one thing in these times will help you forever. Nothing, no time, no horrible moments will ever compare to those times. If you learn nothing from these words then learn just this one thing. Appreciation. You can appreciate about anything. After having lived through the losses I have suffered, losing a boyfriend pales in comparison. After burying two best friends and one of the strongest people I’ve ever known, crying over a broken figurine seems petty. Not that it is, not that I don’t understand. But the pain of those moments just after the deaths of my loved ones seems to make a lot of other previously very important issues just insignificant. Now I appreciate the lessons I’ve learned. It took me years to do so, so don’t expect miracles for yourself, but keep an eye open for them just the same. Sometimes I still get down, sometimes I still cry because I miss my friends. Sometimes I still silently pray that they didn’t suffer, and sometimes I cry because for one second, I fear they did. I don’t expect that to ever change. What has changed is that I have finally come to the realization that in order to honor, I have to appreciate. Right now I am deeply appreciative that I wasn’t in the path of Katrina. Right now my heart pains me as if I have lost someone I loved, because I have seen the same looks on the faces of the survivors of that disaster. If you still feel that you don’t have much to appreciate, then appreciate this.

One doctor reporting on the conditions of disaster victims stated that for those who were beyond saving, that they were rolling them into a makeshift morgue, so that they could die in peace. Appreciate that it wasn’t your mother who had to die in such a way, appreciate that it wasn’t your brother dying in a morgue, appreciate that you were lucky enough to have survived whatever your life has tossed at you, and that you are alive to honor the memories of those who weren’t as fortunate. Then say a prayer, make a donation, write a greeting card and send to someone who is now suffering from the same pain that you thought you would die of. Some of them are. Empathize with those whose mothers and brothers did have to leave this world in that manner. Open your heart and realize that no matter how bad things may seem they could always be as bad as the day you suffered such a devastating loss.

Pick up your phone and admit your feelings for someone who may not know them. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for these Americans who are wishing they had done the same and are soon to live through the same struggle I have endured for 10 years.

Pick up the phone and apologize for a wrong you may have done to someone. Maybe you were rude to the lady down the street. She might not even care to hear your apology. You aren’t really doing it for her. It is your soul you are refilling with faith. Maybe you were mean to a certain kid in school ten years ago. Locate that person and tell them. You might be the reason they can begin healing as well. Do not wait until you hear about their tragic death to call their parents and offer the apology. Then it is guilt that drives you, no guilt driven apologies are as satisfying as cleansing your soul of wrongs you may feel you have been a part of long before remorse drives you to seek relief.

Write a letter that honors the memory of your lost loved one. Then call that persons mother or father, sister or brother and read it to them.

Go to a local animal shelter or refuge and do some volunteer work. Ask them ahead of time if you may be allowed, after volunteering your time, to make a shrine to your lost loved one in honor of their life. A hand carved brick or stone is a beautiful yet natural reminder of you honoring a personal passion of a lost loved one.

Go to the place you and your loved one visited so often and use some chalk to write their name on a tree nearby.

Go to a local cancer center and spend an hour talking to, or listening to someone who is suffering as your loved one did. Read to them. Ask them their favorite flower and have them delivered to them later on. Give it a few days, perhaps they will think you forgot them and then they will see someone bring flowers, the same ones you were talking about days before. Can you imagine how happy you would be? Therein lays the definition of honor. You can dish out your own powerful peace moments when and where you choose.

Be brave. The world is depending on you. You have an important task set before you. That task is to go on living, and doing so in a way that would honor your lost loved one in a way that would make them smile down upon you. Who knows? Maybe you will feel that smile. I have, many times. Being brave doesn’t mean you can’t cry if you want to. There are no laws against crying. The only people who would judge you for doing so, do not deserve a place in your life anyway. Make lasting links that will carry you through this journey of life and keep them close to you; you never know when you may need them to lean on. You never know when they may need to lean on you.

Most of all and the biggest lesson I had saved for last, appreciate, and say so. I personally stopped saying the words thank you long ago. Thank you is something I say to a stranger who holds a door open for me. It is something we teach our kids to say when someone gives them a piece of candy or a toy. Perhaps in my heart, thank you has now become one of those compliments that are lessened with overuse and the automation of it. Nowadays, when I feel thanks for something, for something someone has done for me I go the extra mile, I look at them directly in the eye and I say, “I appreciate it.” That is simply because I do.