The Funeral
The day we buried Paul was full of so many ups and downs. I believe the queasiness I felt that day did nothing but continuously remind me that this was really happening. It was over, he was gone. That day we were all going to come to accept it, like it or not. Paul’s family had been friends with a lot of motorcyclist. They had been there having charity events to help Paul and his new family along the way, through the hospitalizations and all the bills that came with it.
When we got to the funeral home, there were so many motorcycles there the sound was vibrating the funeral home, even once inside you could feel it. That loud throb that so many motorcycles made in the environment was the same loud throb that my heart had been making from the day I found out his disease was going to take his life. I recall the feeling of pride that I had been lucky enough to feel the moment I witnessed all those people there paying tribute to the friend I had known. The service was incredibly painful, but done very respectfully. We all sat while the preacher talked about what a strong person Paul was. The preacher described moments in Paul’s life that some of us had been there for, and moments that some of us knew nothing about. Although painful and tearful, all of those people listened in utter silence to the things that were said about him. After the eulogy, they played a couple of songs that Paul had requested be played during his service. Choking on tears I sat and listened to each and every word of them and once again realized how very unselfish that Paul had been. Indeed, we had been the selfish ones. We wanted him to stay; we did not want to give him up forever. All the while he had been doing things, taking steps that would prepare us for letting him go. He wanted us to have comfort in those moments, and most of us found some. Unbelievably, I think everyone there found a little bit of peace that day. I learned that day that the funeral itself was not the time to be alone and suffering inside of my own grief. It was the time to share in common knowledge and even common pain over someone who was the cause of us all being there that very moment. His life had brought us all together. Paul was one hell of a link in our world.
Sometimes people treat others badly. Sometimes they do things they regret. At a funeral you tend to find those same people, suffering just the same as the others who never wronged anyone. The death of a loved one brings you to a common place with others, no matter who they are. We all feel the pain, as we bow our heads and listen to the words of the eulogy, or the songs that they play, we are all in the same place. We are truly brothers and sisters in this moment. Sure, there are some people who come to a funeral because they have to for appearances or whatever drives them. It’s in the eyes of the people who are there for the same reason you are. You can nearly sense the ones who are there, who just like you, never wanted to be.
The day of Alex’s funeral was one of those days I broke my promise not to judge. I learned an ugly lesson a few years later. The girl Alex had been seeing for a few months did something that I felt was unforgivable. After all, I knew how he really felt about her. I was his little gossip mate. She went out of her way to provide the attendees with a dramatic scene. Screaming, crying, nearly faking a faint, just to draw attention to her self. Alex’s grieving mother had to set aside her own pain just to attend to this girl. It burned my very soul. I just kept it all to myself. After spending a couple of hours nearly carrying this girl through the funeral and graveside service, Alex’s mother looked up at me. Dana, she had always been so gentle and sweet to all of his friends. As I stood there silently grieving away from the area reserved for the family, I tried to look at her with strength. Chin up and sunglasses barely hiding my red and swollen eyes, I was hurting to my very soul but I did not want my pain to draw away from theirs. I did not want his mother having to worry for me instead of comforting Alex’s siblings. I did not want to be selfish. She seen the desperate pain and loneliness in my body language and nearly ran to me, arms spread wide. She gathered me into her arms and said something that I will not ever forget. “Oh Joy, I am so sorry. He loved you so much; I hope you never forget that.” Thanks to her, I never will. Even that small moment made me feel a bit guilty. How can this mother who lost her firstborn be so concerned with me? I wasn’t being dramatic or leeching attention for myself. I was almost hiding in shame of what Alex’s girlfriend was doing to them. I knew then that as she held me in her arms and offered me comfort that she knew how very much this was hurting me, no matter what I appeared to be feeling. She knew the feelings and well being of the living were what was important in that very moment. That was why she offered the support she did to the seemingly overly distraught girlfriend. I spent a few years inwardly hating that girl, his girlfriend. A girl, who had known Alex a whole 4 months before he died, took all of those at the funeral that day and had them feel sorry for her. In my heart it was an unforgivable action. About five years after Alex’s death, I found out that same girl, had wrecked her car and died as well. Perhaps she just never knew how to grieve, but I wasted a lot of energy having contempt for someone who had been dead for a few years. No judgment. It is very important to remember that. It is an ugly feeling to find yourself hating someone who had also left people hurting and grieving for them. No matter what a persons actions in life, death is the same for all. An ending.
Attending a funeral
When attending the funeral of your loved one try to dress comfortably and respectfully. Bring some sunglasses if the day is sunny or an umbrella for the graveside service if your loved one is being buried. If you are family to the person who passed then be prepared for a lot of people to engage you in conversation that you might find upsetting or just annoying. A lot of people have no idea how to grieve. There are a lot of people even at my age, who have never lost a loved one. People tend to suddenly turn awkward when it comes to offering condolences to others. They may tell you that your loved one was a great person, or they may simply tell you they are sorry for your loss. At the same time, you will likely find yourself at a loss for words. That is understandable as well. A simple “Thank you” or “I appreciate that” will be more then enough to indicate you have heard their words. Just as it is important for you to find your closure and acceptance, it is important for them as well. Instead of being distant and struggling alone in this accept the kind words; accept the embraces people may offer. It is in the dual natures of human beings to not only feel pain but to be compelled to comfort others who are feeling it as well. Accept the comfort of others even if you just want to be left alone right now. While you are grieving over a loss, others around you who may not have felt the loss with the impact that you did, are only trying to do what you yourself want to do right now, comfort someone in pain.
If your loved one was not a family member and you want to offer your condolences there is usually a receiving line where the family is lined up to talk to the people who attend the funeral. Wait patiently for your turn and when given it, offer your condolences and move on. I know it’s incredibly tough to think of the right words to say right now. It took me a few losses to realize that some things will always just go in one ear and right out the other at a time like this. If you find something that is true to your heart, and offer it in a short simple sentence or two, you could be offering something that person will carry in their heart for the rest of their lives. To the parents of a loved one I’ve found a simple sentence that means the world to me, and to them. “Without you, I would have never known him/her. Thank you for giving me the chance to have had someone so wonderful in my life.” I’m sure most people do not see it this way when they are suffering. Pain does distort our perceptions. You have just given a mother or father a wonderful compliment and reminded them that their child had impact on the lives of others. No parent could ever toss that statement down, but they could carry that as one of their peaceful moments forever. For siblings it is not too far off of the other comment. “He/she felt like my brother/sister too. I wish I had half of the memories you must have, as I must have half of the pain.” It is important to not let your grief at the funeral swell up over to what the people who lived near your loved one for most or all of their lives. You may be in tremendous emotional pain, but try to understand that not only have you lost a friend, but someone lost a brother or sister, someone else lost a son or daughter. A mother remembers the baby she brought home from the hospital, a sister remembers holding her little brother for the first time. There may come a time for you to cry or scream your grief to the world. The funeral is not the time. It’s a time for family and recognizing the brotherhood in which we all share, and for coming to terms with a loss.
Be respectful to other friends and family. You may not be able to contain your tears. Do not even try. You may not be able to talk well or focus on anything but the pain and emptiness in your heart. The moments at the funeral are likely the first concrete moments when you come to the realization that you have lost something that means the world to you. But remember the respect that your loved one deserves. Do not attempt to use this time to settle old grudges or place blame for the death on any others present. Allowing others to grieve in their own way is also a part of your personal healing process. Do not add regrets to a time in your life already filled with them.
It is very important to take this time to listen, and to reflect on what you have learned. It is entirely possible that no matter how much you feel you know, that you will feel there is a lesson in this. It is the struggle to realize that this did not happen to you. This loss happened to everyone who ever spent a moment with your lost loved one. Look at the people around you if you feel alone for a moment. They are in the same place you are, they are hurting too. In the moments you feel strong, carry a friend through. Cover them. Because maybe, just maybe, in the next moment of weakness you suffer, they may cover you.
There is nothing more unforgettable then guilt. You do not want to find yourself where I found myself a year before I wrote this book. I struggled inwardly to decipher the message I felt I must have been sent in the deaths of three of my friends. Two of those guys were my best friends. One was simply an earth bound angel who showed me that no matter how strong you are, you can still accept moments of weakness. It is ok to cry. It is ok to grieve, openly. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to feel alone. These emotions only become less acceptable when you feel you have to inflict them on others.
Occasionally, people consider suicide when they are dealing with the loss of a loved one. This is the same type of unacceptable behavior I am talking about. Knowing the loss you now feel, how could you ever willingly inflict that upon others? It would be unfair to pierce the hearts of your own loved ones in a selfish moment in which you desire to join your lost loved one. The feeling is understandable, the action unforgivable.
On this same note we want to remember our promise not to judge others. If you lost a loved one to suicide then you need to read these words more then a lot of people. People who commit suicide over the loss of one of their loved ones had no idea how to grieve. They had all the same feelings you may be feeling now, the emptiness was something they could not cope with, but the end result only caused more pain to you or others who loved them. More then anything for those effected by suicides, it is important to realize that you will live through this if you simply allow yourself to. You will be stronger for it. You may even be able to help someone who doesn’t have as many coping skills survive a similar inner battle. You may be the only link that a nine year old whose mother committed suicide has to avoid making the same mistake. You may be the only one who can hold together a family who is suffering the same loss. Never discount what you are learning from this experience. It may save another life one day. It may renew someone else’s soul in just the way yours needs to be renewed right now.
Above all, through the tears and the pain, hold your head high and honor the love and the friendship in the way your friend would remember you if the roles were reversed. Be yourself and don’t be afraid to be that even if it’s not what others expect of you. You will live through this day. You may not want to, but you have to. If you are not around to honor your lost loved one, then you have broken a very important link in the world. Today is the day you get to forget what others think, what they want. Exercise your feelings, ones you may not want to feel, but have no choice but to. Tomorrow will be a new day, and it might not be a better day, it might even be worse, but for now, you have nothing to do but be another person who is there to simply honor the fact that the person who passed was one that you loved and want to remember.
Imagine life after today. How could the little trivial things we concern ourselves with matter? A very simple answer is that they won’t. Once you have made it through today and learned to live with this loss, you are stronger, like it or not, want it or not. As a person, as a friend, as a parent, as a son or daughter, as a wife or husband, you are stronger for having lived through this day. Now all you have to do is prove it to yourself. There is no one to impress here, just a soul that needs to be refilled with faith.