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If you want a better, happier life, then you should learn how to manage your relationships.
Think back to your happiest moments. Where were you? What were you doing? The facts might vary from case to case, but one thing will almost always remain constant: you were probably with other people.
Relationships allow us to share our experiences, which in turn gives them meaning and color. Relationships help us to discover and enjoy more experiences in the first place. And our experiences give us emotional support, laughter and so much more.
For many of us, the most important relationship in our life is the one we have with a romantic partner. This person is not just a sexual partner, but a best friend that we can share our adventures with, who makes our home into a safe and happy place and who supports us in everything we do. When you find love, it means never being truly alone again.
And of course, relationships are also important for getting by in life too. The way we manage relationships in the work place will help us to get ahead, to gain promotions or to just be happier in our careers. Relationships with friends help us to build memories and also build our sense of confidence and self-worth.
In short, if you become better at managing relationships, life becomes easier, more fun and more fulfilling. And yet this is something that many of us tragically overlook.
This report is going to help you put an end to that. Whether you’re someone who currently struggles to be heard in relationships, or whether you’re someone who is already enjoying meaningful and
rewarding interactions – you’re guaranteed to learn something here.
that can help you to get even more from life.
Understanding the Evolution of Relationships
Humans are pack animals like wolves or lions. This is an evolutionary trait, meaning that it has been ‘selected for’. That is to say, that the traits that make us more social have turned out to help us survive and thus they have been passed from generation to generation. Meanwhile, the traits that negatively impacted our sociability ended up ‘dying out’ with each successive generation.
This evolutionary psychology can help to explain a great number of our interactions and therefore help us to better understand the different pulls and pushes that still affect us today.
So how exactly do social interactions help us to survive?
Firstly, socialising gives us protection. Larger groups are better able to defend themselves from attackers and predators. At the same time, they can more easily gain access to a larger range of resources. By being in a large group, an individual can protect themselves and provide themselves with the resources they need. There are more benefits besides these though too. Playing with friends and contemporaries for instance can provide a form of training and allow us to prepare for experiences we might have outside of the group. And work can also be more effectively completed when we pool resources, strength and technical skill.
Acts of kindness can be seen as being forms of trade – they allow us to ingratiate ourselves and thereby ensure our place within that group. Antisocial behavior meanwhile is behavior that jeopardizes the group at large or individual members and so the perpetrator risks being ostracized.
But this in turn means that we need hierarchy. In any social group, there needs to be some order and some organization to define the way that resources are shared out and to dictate the group’s behavior. Thus, there will normally be some form of leadership and a social hierarchy beneath that.
And naturally, being higher in the ‘pecking order’ will give the best access to resources and the optimum protection. Those that are at the ‘bottom’ will generally be left with whatever is leftover and will have the least influence over group decisions.
A Look at Primitive Cultures
Looking at primitive cultures and their social structures can help us to get a better idea of the evolutionary roots of our own.
With that in mind, the most common societal structure we see in primitive cultures is the ‘tribe’. A tribe is a collection of individuals, often with a very basic hierarchical formation. Tribes are made up of smaller groups called bands.
Bands are groups of hunter-gatherers that have some kind of perceived shared kinship. It is thought that everyone in the group has some kind of relation, whether this is a blood tie, a marriage, or a fictional historical ancestor. Leadership is normally informal but falls to the elders among the group. These groups are generally egalitarian and there is no sex-preference in terms of power share. Young mothers receive childcare support from their own parents, who remain nearby.
Tribes are similarly normally founded on the basis of a shared genealogy of some sort. Tribes also have some shared ethnicity or background, which again may be fictional. In some cases, the shared ancestor might be a totem. Either way, both forms of social structure are based on kinship. There is no economic class difference. Tribes do have some social rank and prestige however, with certain individuals holding more power and influence over the rest of the group.
Chiefdoms are the evolution from this point, where some form of official hierarchy dominates. Some tribes have complex organizational structures with heads called chiefs. Some are stable, while others are unstable with constant bids for power and cycles of collapse and renewal.
What Does All This Tell Us About Our Own Relationships?
So, what can we gather from all this?
Actually, it explains a whole lot about who we are. First and foremost, it explains why so many of us have a desperate desire to be accepted into a group and not to be rejected.
Essentially, this boils down to an evolutionary imperative. Once upon a time, being shunned by a group would have meant being left to fend for ourselves. That in turn would have meant almost certain doom!
One key thing to remember is that this is no longer the case. Most of us would like to think that we have evolved past our most primitive ancestors and so we should be able to overcome this urge when appropriate. And there are times when it is definitely preferable that we learn to overcome the urge to fit in. Often the urge to ‘fit in’ can lead to us making foolish mistakes.
For instance, it is common for someone to agree with a group decision purely because that is the general consensus of the group and they don’t want to go against it. This can lead to our own identity and individuality being suppressed and it has historically led to great atrocities.
This same trait explains what is known as ‘convergence’ and ‘divergence’. Convergence is the tendency for the members of any group to become more similar to one another. Often, we see this in the workplace where a certain department might become more alike. Divergence meanwhile describes the tendency for two separate groups to become less similar to one another. This can eventually lead to cliques and eventually even a form of warfare between groups. It is one of the reasons that we are likely to reject those that are different and why any group can become more and more extreme without outside influence.
This ideological ‘in-breeding’ though is ultimately very bad for any group and will ultimately lead to its demise. Outside influence is actually needed in any system to prevent flaws from becoming exaggerated. This is important to remember.
Another reason we tend to reject outside ideas and individuals is based on our survival. From an evolutionary perspective, survival of the individual is less important than survival of the genes – and even the culture! By spending time with people who are more similar to us and by having romantic relationships with people who are more similar to us, we actually strengthen the influence of our own DNA. Even if you don’t survive, the others around you might carry on some of your similarities – and especially if you have bred with similar members of the tribe.
Again though, the irony is that outside genetic influences actually increase the health of your offspring.
Similar processes also explain one of the key things that prevents many of us from being happy: social comparison theory. Social comparison theory looks at our tendency to compare what we have to what other people have. Moreover, it looks at our tendency to measure our own success and our own happiness on the basis of what others have. You might have heard this under a different guise: keeping up with the Joneses!
The notion is that if you own a 15” flatscreen TV, you will likely be very happy with that TV and think of yourself as highly successful. But on the other hand, if you know your neighbor owns a 40” flatscreen TV, suddenly your own 15” becomes less impressive and you become less satisfied. You become unhappy.
We want to be more similar to others around us and thus we compare ourselves to them and use them as a yardstick of what we need to achieve socially. At the same time, we want to accomplish more than them, so that we can climb the social hierarchy and thereby increase our access to food, shelter and mating opportunities.
You might be shaking your head right now and accusing me of bringing everything back to sex. You don’t want a largescreen TV just so that you can have more sex! And indeed, you don’t. But the reason that the urge exists is linked to the fact that it would have once meant more sex. There is a subtle difference.
And if you’re entirely honest with yourself, you may find that this actually makes sense. After all, why else would you spend money on items like this? Do they honestly make you that much happier? Do you really need shinier things? Won’t the lack of money just make you more stressed?
Our membership within groups and our social status is so driven by our need to be accepted and respected and this is so important to us… that ultimately it drives 90% of our behavior. Why do people take on more and more demanding jobs? In positions that they don’t even enjoy? You say it is to support your family but in reality, it is more about status. After all, if you moved into a smaller home and lived more simply, you could probably support your family just as easily and be just as happy.
Our innate understanding of hierarchy and acceptance alters the way we act and it motivates us to be ‘people pleasers’. But it also impacts the way that we see others and the way we judge the behavior of others.
In short, we are hardwired to quickly make a judgement of any new person based on their appearance, their confidence, their dress-sense and their resources. When someone walks up to you, you quickly decide if they are a part of your social group – if they share kinship of some sort. From there, you then decide whether they are above or below you in the social hierarchy and therefore you decide whether you need to impress them.
We want to be liked by the leaders of our tribes because that helps us to climb the ladder and gives us access to more resources. Likewise, we want to be liked by the most attractive and popular members of the opposite sex because they carry the promise of raising our own status and also helping us to pass on better genetic material in our offspring.
This isn’t conscious but it all goes on and defines the vast majority of our interactions with everyone you meet.
And it’s understanding this and hacking it that will help you to raise your influence.
The problem is that we tend to have an evolutionary ‘panic response’ when we think we are under some kind of social threat. We hate being embarrassed in public, or being put in a situation that may lead to embarrassment. The reason is that this embarrassment could ultimately damage our reputation and therefore hurt our position within the group or even lead to our being completely removed from the group.
Remember: this was a physical mortal danger back in the wild. And that’s why our bodies respond by producing adrenaline, dopamine, cortisol and all the other hormones that trigger the fight or flight response. We’re ready for battle.
And what does that do? It makes us seem incredibly nervous. Which immediately prevents us from being effective in that social situation and ironically means we’re more likely to stutter, to say the wrong thing or to otherwise embarrass ourselves!
This is also why so many people struggle with dating. They walk up to someone they fancy to introduce themselves, and they are visibly in panic. This makes it clear that they see themselves as talking to someone out of their league (the same thing happens when you talk to the cool jock or cheerleader at your school, or the CEO at the conference).
This in turn says to that individual that they are more important than you are and that you have nothing to offer. Your very bodylanguage is communicating that you are low in the social pecking order!
This is why it is so important to learn to instead stay calm in every situation. And it’s why you need to act like yourself.
In the world of pick-up artists, there is a strategy called ‘peacocking’. Here, a man will dress in something very strange – whether it’s a bright pink, flowery tie or it’s a white top hat. Either way, they are outwardly defying social convention (yes, even our clothing and style demonstrates our social skill and our rank within society) and this represents a breach of social norms.
But by doing this, they demonstrate a lack of caring. It needs to be done in a way that observes good dress sense (thereby communicating that they’re not socially impaired) but which is bold and confident.
This in turn sends a message that says that you aren’t concerned about impressing others. And that in turn leads to the unconscious conclusion that this person must already have a lot of power, influence or resource.
This is also why the typical ‘nice guy’ act doesn’t work on women and it’s why they don’t tend to get past the friend-zone. By being overly doting and complimentary, they come across as desperate and clingy. They don’t come across as being confident and sexy. That’s why the ‘bad guys’ get the women. Not because they are bad, but because their disregard for social rules makes them appear confident which in turn makes them appear more alpha.
Your objective is not to be antisocial or rude then, but rather to know how to pick your moments when it comes to being different, going against the grain and marching to your own beat. This actually makes you incredibly attractive and especially if it is done in a way that is also friendly, outgoing and confident.
The best thing you can do to pick up a man or woman in a bar is to head over to them, smile, ask about their day, hang out with their friends and not act as though you’re desperate for their attention.
Seem like you’re not trying to get something from the social situation and you’ll be much more interesting and ironically, you’ll be more likely to get what you want.
Of course, this all comes with practice. It is easier said than done. And that is why it can be such a powerful thing to practice in consequence-free environments. Try doing stand-up comedy, speak to strangers in the street and generally practice breaking social norms such that you are still aware of them, but not beholden to them.
And when you can do this, you’ll also find you become much happier. When you stop comparing yourself to others and start pursuing what you want. When you recognize that some of your emotions are out of place, you can instead take a step back and just enjoy what you have and enjoy the company of others.
Forming Your Tribe
And I’d like to end on a similar note. When it comes to happiness, we can learn a lot from the ‘bands’ that our ancestors live in. These were slightly bigger than families but smaller than tribes. They had rough structure but not a rigid one.
And if you want to be really happy? That is the format you should seek to emulate.
The fact of the matter is that we are social creatures and we like being in groups as long as those groups aren’t competitive and highly structured. Think back to your happiest times and they would likely have been when you lived in larger family groups, or when you were at college and you all lived on the same campus.
It’s a great feeling having a friend down the road but not having a boss to shout in your face. And waking up to a bunch of smiling faces. In fact, studies show us that just seeing faces in the morning or the evening can drastically improve our mood and our sense of wellbeing – which is one reason why we tend to hang pictures around us.
So, while you’re trying to remove yourself slightly from the grind of trying to impress people and climb the social ranks, another tip to boost your happiness and your relationships is to move that little bit closer and live in a small-ish group.
Live with friends and family nearby and focus on enjoying time with them without feeling the need to impress them. Find unconditional love and give it back in response without trying to get anything from your social interactions.
That is how you have truly happy, healthy relationships.
Myrna, 38 and a successful physician, sought my help because she often felt inadequate. While she really valued herself as a doctor, she did not value herself in her important relationships with friends and family.
In addition, she said she wanted to be in a loving relationship but she took no actions to meet available men.
In the course of our work together, it became apparent that Myrna rarely took loving action in her own behalf with her friends and family. For example, Jessica, one of Myrna’s friends, would often get angry and blame Myrna when Myrna was not available for dinner with Jessica.
Myrna would feel guilty and responsible for Jessica’s feelings and meet her for dinner even when she was exhausted from work. Myrna would feel drained after these dinners and depressed for a few days after, never realizing it was because she had not taken loving care of herself.
Myrna realized that the reason she was afraid to be in a relationship was because she had no idea how to take care of herself around others. She was terrified of completely losing herself in an important relationship.
She realized that if she could not speak up for herself with Jessica, how could she ever speak up and take loving action for herself with a man she was in love with? She realized that she would continue to feel lonely, anxious, inadequate and depressed until she learned to take loving action for herself.
Many people suffer daily from anxiety, depression, stress, and anger as well as from feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. The major cause of these feelings is a lack of loving action in their own behalf.
Loving actions fall into two categories: Loving actions for yourself and loving actions in relationship to others.
Loving Actions For Yourself
Loving actions for yourself are those actions that attend to your own needs. When you take loving action in your own behalf, you are letting yourself know that you matter, you are important, you count. When you fail to take loving action, you give yourself the message that you are not important, which leads to feelings of depression and inadequacy.
Loving actions for yourself might include:
Loving actions in relationship to others might include:
As a result of learning to take better care of herself alone and with others, Myrna no longer felt depressed and inadequate. She gradually lost her fears of being in a relationship, and is delighted to be meeting available men.