Taking Offence at Men and Women's Health by Helen Tararina - HTML preview

“This is an old torn dressing gown, it is past time to throw out it. I will not put on it.”

“There now!” the hostess said, “Everybody likes and enjoys to put on the beautiful things, like beautiful words. And when my husband offers me to “put on an unpleasant thing" that is he censures by some word or says something in the unfriendly tone, I certainly see it, but I simply refuse to "put on" it in the same way as you did with the dressing gown. And you try on everything when you communicate with your husband. What woman would be happy in rags?”

If a woman wants to maintain relationship in the pair, she must learn to react to negative emotions of men. They have to be accepted, noticed, reacted a little, but should never be ignored. When a woman ignores man's emotions, a man becomes anger and expresses long-term annoyance. The most dangerous for women's health are emotions such as sadness, condemnation of her husband and father. It is better to tell, to brawl, to scream, to quarrel, but in any case you must not nurse a grievance. E. Koynova said, "Offence is an anger of feminizing type, and aggression is an anger of virilizing type."

When a woman takes offence at the man, her offence begins to exfoliate like a cake napoleon. There are the following layers of a state of taking offence:

1. Anger, annoyance, censure.

2. Heartache, suffering.

3. Fear of losing the relationship.

4. Repentance (confession of own guilt in this situation).

5. Love, actions aimed at relationship preserving.

Accumulation of offences always provokes a dislike for herself. When a woman does not love herself, you can feel it. Men see the sign on such woman's breast "I do not love myself and let you treat me the same." And she gets it. If a woman has a healthy self-esteem and she is not inclined to take offence, there is quite another sign on her breast "I love myself and I want you to treat me the same." It is always hard to forgive the woman who does not love herself. She is dependent on man’s opinions, thoughts and actions. And it is common knowledge that, you will be doomed to be unhappy, if your happiness depends on other person.

 

The Parable by S. Kagarmanova

 

Once a man came to the sage at Cold Mountain ans said, “There is always offence in my family. We live in peace and friendship, but if there is a brawl, everything goes to ruin. I can't go on no longer like this! Help me to understand what's wrong?”

The sage hemmed and said, “Bring a jug of sour wine tomorrow, and I will show you what offence is.”

In the morning a man brought a jug of sour wine. The sage took some cups and said, “Offence is like sour wine, and patience is like a cup. If the wine is overflowed, you can expect trouble. Pour a small cup and drink.”

A man was surprised, but he did it. He pulled a face, but swallowed sour wine.

“As you can see the cup is empty again, and there is no offence. An affectionate person does this. It is pleasant and carefree to live with such person. But how much wine will you be able to drink?”

“I'm afraid I will not be able to drink the second cap,” a man replied sadly.

“If you pour wine abundantly, the person will refuse to drink sooner or later. Now pour me a small cup.”

Before a man poured wine, the sage threw the cup into his face.

“Well, it is empty again. Some people do not swallow the insult. A small cup is enough for them. They have hot-tempered temper, but easily appeased. To pour such people is more trouble than it is worth. But they do not nurse a grievance.”

Then the sage took a big cup and as soon as the man poured it the sage poured out on man’s head.

“Patient people do it. They have a big cup, and it is not easy to fill it. Sometimes they take a sip, but they more often force you to drink it. If the cup is overflowed, you can expect trouble. It is difficult to live with such people, but there are less brawls in the family."

The man poured last very large cup tremulously. He filled it to the brim, and sat down to wait. The sage raised it a little and wine dripped through a crack on the floor.

“These are tears. Patience of such people is enormous. They can not drink sour wine because of pride, they can not force to drink you because of love. If you do not pour the cup, the cup will be empty again. It is pleasant and carefree to live with such people. But if patience overflowes ... “

The man closed his eyes tight in expectation of sour flow, but the sage only removed the cup aside.

“... you will lose a person. Wine will dripped out with the lapse of time, but another person not you will pour some more.”

The man stood up and bowed, “Thank you, you are the wisest. Everything is clear now.”

“What have you understood?”

“Either my darling will change a cup ...”

“Or...”

“Or I will find another woman with more suitable vessel.”

“You are fool!” the old sage sighed sadly. “For a start take a smaller jug.”

 

There is an excellent practice of awareness of the essence of taking offence at men. Fill in the table from left to right. Select one man and fill in all the columns.

 

 

Upon completion of filling in of the table your thoughts and feelings will focus on deliverance from offence.

It is important to understand that there is the law in the relationship between a man and a woman: "If you want to feel good, do good (Doing good makes you feel good)." A man always chooses a woman, which feels good. This is natural, because he needs support. Women usually expect that a man will do good for them. And they immerse themselves in the position of dependence. The golden rule of the spiritual relationship between a man and a woman says that someone who prefers to accept becomes dependent, and someone who chooses to give remains free. Woman's task is to remain free. The only way to do it is to give more than receive. Stop thinking that the only way to give love is to first get it. When you give, you receive. There are no two ways about it. Energy of woman is initially more powerful, more active, more impressive.

“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!”

(The quote by Erick S. Gray)

Imagine what would happen to a woman if she did not give! She would burst like a soap-bubble. Wise nature created the woman in such way that she has the an opportunity to give and be useful almost every minute of his life. True happiness for a woman is to first give and then receive. A woman is happy in giving love, and a man is happy in acceptance. While a woman is interested in a man, she will not disappear. While a man is interested in a woman, he will find her everywhere, even if she disappears.

Many women believe that a man should guess right their thoughts and wishes at once, otherwise the relationship can not be serious and be in progress. It is really misunderstanding, because when we stop saying to the man what we want, at the same moment we fall into the abyss of dreams and expectations, which will necessarily lead us to offences.

It is important to understand that the relationship is a living system. The relationships like the human body are always changing, and you, of course, as your partner is constantly changing too. Your views, tastes, states are changing, you will never be the same person who you were yesterday. The secret of conservation of relationship is to see changes in yourself and in your partner and use them for the development of your relationship. It is terrible to know your own man inside out. What will such actions lead to? A person tires of cognized thing, he loses interest. It is in the nature of human beings. A woman who think that she one hundred per cent knows her man, must think about. Such relationship probably lost its sincerity. And a woman sees everything through rose-coloured glasses (which are the biggest, by the way). Predictable people seem dull and sad to us in relationship. This is a relationship of two dismal persons.

 

The Parable about the present

 

The family came to the restaurant to have lunch. The waitress took an order from adults and then turned to their seven-year-old son, “What would you like to oder?”

Boy glanced shyly at adults and said, “I'd like a hot dog.”

No sooner had the waitress written an order than a mother intervened, “No hot dogs! Bring him a steak with mashed potatoes and carrots.”

The waitress ignored her words. “Would you like a hot dog with mustard or ketchup?” she asked the boy.

“With ketchup.”

“It'll be ready in a minute”, the waitress said and went to the kitchen.

Silence fell at the table. At long last the boy looked at those present and said, “I'll tell you what? She thinks I'm real!”

 

There is only one person who knows another almost thoroughly, but not for long. This is a mother. She understands without words, when the baby is hungry, when he wants to sleep or play. Only hypercare ensure ninety percent understanding in the relationship  and knowing your partner. If you want to become a mother for your man, and not his wife, then, of course, you just need to know him inside out.

 

MYSTERY 

Everything shrouded in mystery. It is better to enjoy the life than trying to understand it. Eventually, the person who tries to understand life becomes a fool, but the person who enjoys life becomes a sage and he continues to enjoy, because he is increasingly conscious of the mystery of all that surround us.

The greatest understanding is that nothing can be understood, everything is mysterious and wonderful. 

Osho

 

Why do women want to improve men?

 

The second half will be found when the first half fills.

Do not look for a near-empty half. When a full half is, the magnet of the soul will be actuated.

 

Every second woman wants to change her man. We force him to visit the training, gyms, psychologists, etc., they must realize finally that that women have understood long ago))). The paradox of this situation is that a woman who "forces" the development and self-perfection of her husband, is doomed to touchiness, despair and petulance. It is important to understand that your man (husband, father or son) has the right to never improve himself, read nothing and go nowhere, simply speaking, stand still. You can not traverse his path. So release millions of manipulation threads which you tied to your man in order to force him to improve himself, and take good care of yourself. A man will always be with the woman who feels good. High spirits and optimism of a woman give a man strength, but her low spirits, complaints, provoking remarks and censure weaken strength. There is only one variant of man’s climbing up the ladder of spiritual development: A WOMAN ACTIVELY IMPROVES HERSELF, CHANGES HERSELF AND INFECTS A MAN WITH THE LIGHT OF HER HAPPINESS, HER CHANGES AND HER BEAUTY IN AND OUT. Dear women, only the light of your confidence, your personal improvement is able to “turn on” man’s necessities of changes. The main female purpose in the relationship is to INSPIRE a MAN! To inspire means to look, to forgive, to take care, to love in such way that a man beside you wants to be the KING because you are the QUEEN. Oh yes, the KINGS are nurtured by the Queen ... And it is quite normal. If you have a grudge against your man, want only to receive all the time and only after it want to give, your man will be a dismal persons, a loser, an irritated man and he wants nothing. Dear QUEENS! To forgive means to be beyond the scope of revenge and justice. This means to outline your own scope, and the name of it is "love".

Why does my man have just these shortcomings? This question is often asked by women in the training. We usually give such example. Imagine that you go to the shop to buy your favorite shampoo. There is an advertising action in the shop at the moment. The shampoo is on sale only with conditioner. It has just gone into production and the manufacturer offers customers to test it.

A new product with ribbon superscribed An advertising action was attached to your shampoo and they were displayed on showcases in order to each customer had the opportunity to test new product. You don’t need this conditioner, on the level. You can generally not use it. But you will not separate the conditioner from the shampoo at the counter in the shop, will you? Of course, you will not. You will simply buy this conditioner with the shampoo. That's the way of choosing a man: a favorite shampoo and a "small addition". You must understand honestly that every woman has her own "conditioner". Dear women, men choose us in exactly the same way.

 

The Parable of the melon

 

The master of the house treated the servant with a melon. He became to eat it with pleasure. When he had almost finished to eat a melon, the master asked indignantly, “Why do not you treat me?”

The servant gave the master a piece of melon. The melon was very bitter and disgusting. The master asked the servant, “Why did you eat such a bitter melon?”

“You have done so much for me that some little thing like that bitter melon can not spoil our relationship.”

 

We very often notice in seminars that women tend to censures on men. S. Lazarev says that the subconscious aggression to a man forces a woman to be dissatisfied with him, to have a grudge against him and to censure his actions. The man whose woman is in the habit of censure will either drink or be sick, or have an affair. In modern world women want to live in the same way as men: to work as men, to think as men, to be absolute equals with men. And such yearning for emancipation subconsciously blocks a woman's desire to give birth to be absolute equals with men. This woman can not forgive the man humiliations, because they are equal! Before conception the woman is often given the period of abasement of her instincts. It is normal that the child continued the way of development of love, not of its destruction. And most of all the pain and humiliation a woman receives from men. And if her goal is love, this humiliation urges on her still more to love because it is her main point of support. If beauty, intelligence, education, importance, status are her main point of support, she can not accept the humiliation from men and she begins to censure, feel hatred and take offence. It is wrapped up in the spiritual and physical health of her children.

How to understand why do people who love each other offend one another? We would remind you that an offence is a habit from childhood. This is one of the ways of communication, that becomes apparent in the relationship between a man and a woman. Imagine that every morning your husband (man) goes to the Man Upstairs to take the today's plan of his life. There is the following item among other items in his today's plan of life: "To forget about the birthday of mother-in-law in order to generate wife’s tolerance and teach her to take care of my forgetfulness, and understand that I do not "do everything on purpose". I forgot because I was preoccupied with the buying of our family apartment".

In spite of your man’s love the plan should be executed. And the choice of your reaction to his forgetfulness will depend only on you. If a woman is spiritually mature person, the thoughts such as "He did it on purpose" or "My mom is unimportant for him", never strike her. But if a woman has a lot of rusty taps in the soul, if she is not confident, if she feels like a victim of circumstances and if she thinks that the reason of all her misfortunes is a man, all this will be realized! The paradox of the life is that there will be the same item in your tomorrow’s personal plan of life from the Man Upstairs: "Forget the tickets to the theatre at home to form husband's understanding that not only at the theatre he is able to be happy with you. And a spontaneous holiday and an unknown café can also bring interesting conversations, dreams and keep you as a couple."

A female client was very annoyed with her husband because he threw his things all over the place. She was a neat person and always cleaned up the mess in their house. The woman called her husband to order for a long time. And at long last she attended our seminars on offence. And after them she decided when her husband throws his things all over the place again, to choose the following reaction to this, "Yes, I pick up things of my husband because cleanliness is very important for me. The litter is a sign of husband's presence. And I love my husband, and this is the most important thing in the world. Let the litter be "conditioner". I remember that there is a lot more shampoo."

The fact is that taking offence at the partner is possibility to improve yourself or choose censure. It is important to understand that men forgive through the understanding, that is through the logic, they need arguments. Women forgive through the acceptance, that is through the expression of feelings. The purpose of a man in relationships is to act. The purpose of a woman in relationships is to love. And when a woman stops loving a man immediately ceases to assume the responsibility and stops to act, he becomes passive. He loses recharging and muse.

A striking example is the life story told by a female client in the training. She has already been married for 13 years old. She said, "At one moment I began to hold back my offences and amass them. It all started out of withholding facts and finished with heavy burden at heart. The result of this heavy burden was not to take long to appear: I stopped wanting my husband. It makes no difference if we have intimacy or not. This process has lost sensitivity for me. I realized that I built a huge distance between us. And all because of my taking offence. One day I had the courage to unburden my mind. And I had been amassing them for 2 years!!! I found it difficult to talk about it, but I did it. And at the same day my desire to my husband came back, and my sexual energy flowed in the same direction. At night after my confession, I had a dream about three dolphins that swam peacefully in the water. In ancient times dolphins were associated with friendship, water was associated with feelings. I realized that my soul became calm, and the joy of my life came back. Sleep was confirmation of it."

 

When a woman takes offence at a man, she very often makes the following mistakes:

- keeps up appearances;

- tries to forget everything;

- follows female friends' advices and continues to censure the man.

A woman often can not have a family because the level of accumulated and repressed offences does not allow her to be in the state of creation and efficiency. Offences quite clearly turn on a program of self-destruction. An obvious sign of offences accumulation is the reduction of total power of the person, headaches, stomachaches. Psychosomatically this occurs because the woman is not able to take the ideas and thoughts of others, she begins excessive self-criticism (headache), or the person does not want to accept the situation, the choice of the other person, as if she does not want to "digest" it (stomachache).

It is important to understand that communication with a man is very similar to communication with foreigners. Remember how we communicate with foreigners? We are very attentive, we hang on every familiar word, make clear the meaning, want to understand and be understood. When a woman has a lot of superiority, she forgets about it and does not listen to the man at all. Such approach destroys relationships. Remember if a woman says that she "knows his man from the ground up" and that he does not surprise her at all, most probably these relationships are doomed to failure. Relationships that do not surprise you, that have ceased to be interesting, have just outlived their usefulness. And their short-term life was defined by you. You contrived a habit for the person, valued him, kept him within the limits of opinions, and here you get a boring and predictable man. But the question is if a person can be boring? Or maybe we have just ceased to exercise spiritual work in order to discover new side of him, look at him in a new way every day, be surprised at his unusualness. If you have people that you read as an X-ray, think about it: your sensitivity to these people, and perhaps not only to them, under threat of apathy and indifference. Or if you see the pain of your offender, you think that he deserved it; this is also symptom of indifference. When people enter upon the path of spiritual development, they believe in the idea of "to each according to merit" and, accordingly, try to earn something good for yourself. The interesting thing of this phrase is "according to merit"; it does not mean "how much a person has deserved", it means "how much a person has served". Remember that to be useful to others is the greatest joy that a person can have on earth.

If a woman enters upon the path of spiritual development, she always is given a