Imagine you’re walking carefree along the
avenue, at a moderate pace, now and then laying eyes on
some displays in the store window. You turn the corner
and out of nowhere, a villain pops out in front of you,
brandishing a knife and demanding you to hand over all
your money. What is your reaction? You might freeze
and remain motionless or, scared out of your wits, start
screaming and dashing away. Or on the contrary, the
thief could act as a red rag to a bull and growing furious,
you might attack him and make him feel sorry for his
foolish robbery attempt.
In each of the foregoing cases, it is our emotions
that come forth and bolster us, so that we can deal
properly with the situation at hand. Human life devoid of
emotions cannot be conceived, since they have played a
pivotal part in our survival throughout the ages. Whether
we like it or not, they are a fundamental part of our lives,
defining who we are and how we conduct ourselves in
different situations. Unbelievable as it may seem, we
experience emotions in each and every second of the
day; even at night, when dreaming, we sometimes go
through a host of emotion-provoking projections. In fact,
the quality of our entire living issues from the way we
handle our emotional arsenal we are endowed with.
Our store of emotions is a double-edged sword,
since it can act both as a life-saver and a life-ruiner,
depending on how level-headedly it is put into use. Let’s
take anger as an example. If you were to be attacked
outright and thus have your integrity menaced,
responding back with rage is highly likely to repel the
threat. Under these circumstances, violence used as a
defensive weapon is absolutely acceptable. Since in this
case your own life is in danger, fury plays the role of a
life-saver.
But consider another situation. You are immersed
in your work at the office, nearly strangled by the red
tape. It’s been a while since you’ve last taken a break
and you’re now pretty irritable. Then your cell phone
rings; it’s your wife. Ignoring the reason for her
disturbing call, you don’t answer the phone, but carry on
working. You’re now totally focused on those papers,
but within minutes, a second call: again, your wife. “I
told her I’m up to my ears in my project!”, you say
furiously to yourself and once again obstinately refuse to
respond. After a while, the same ring tone. Driven to the
edge of desperation, you madly pick up the phone and
without any introductory politeness, you thoughtlessly
retort your spouse: “For goodness’ sake! Can’t you see
I’m busy! I don’t care if I’m late for dinner! Stop
pestering me!” Closed conversation. Now, was your
anger truly of any aid in this case? On returning home,
the chances are you’ll feel pangs of remorse for having
remonstrated with your wife. Not only did you hurt her
feelings, but now you are also guilt-ridden. She was just
worried about you being late and was inquiring about
you. She meant no harm, unlike the above mentioned
attacker.
As you can see, emotions can be our best friends
and our worst enemies at the same time. In a later
chapter, I will outline why this is happening and whether
we can control our emotional reactions, to avoid such
embarrassing situations.
Positive vs Negative
You have certainly heard a lot of debate
concerning the rejection of the so-called “negative
emotions” and instead the attraction of the “positive”
ones, since this is supposed to be the key to leading a
thriving and joyful life. But how valid is this
categorization of emotions into positive and negative?
Which are which?
First and foremost, we need to be aware of what
emotions we will consider for classification purposes..
There are seven universal emotions: happiness,
sadness, fear, anger, disgust, surprise and contempt.
All sorts of mixtures can originate from them. They are
named universal because, as the reputed psychologist
Paul Ekman discovered, they are present in all cultures
all over the world and, furthermore, have similar
functionality
and
display
manner
(more
about
universality and peculiarities among different cultures
later on).
Now that we know what emotions we are
equipped with, let us take a closer look at them. Usually,
the term “negative” is conducive to dim thoughts, being
primarily linked to anything that’s bad, outrageous,
unacceptable, harmful and so on (except for the medical
analysis results, where “negative” actually means good
news). Which one of these seven emotions seems to fit
with this description, so that we can mark it irretrievably
as “negative”? Presumably all but the emotions of
happiness and , at least partly, surprise, right?
People usually regard happiness in general terms
as the most pleasurable experience. This outlook is
perfectly understandable at first glance. I mean, is there
anybody who dislikes feeling happy, fulfilled, satisfied,
enchanted, name it whatever you like? I don’t think so.
When it comes to surprise, there is, however, a bit of a
debate, since whenever you ask somebody what their
attitude towards surprises is, they would commonly
respond that it depends on the nature of that surprise.
Hence the wide spread belief that a surprise can be either
positive or negative.
Concentrating now on the other five emotions,
which are almost always labeled as negative and
undesirable, we should clarify from the outset the
grounds for this (I consider it) preconception. The first
thing that springs to mind when the word sadness is
mentioned might be the image of someone crying or you
might recollect a distressing event from your past. You
don’t like that feeling, do you? If I mention anger, you
might visualize an enraged person, possibly an
acquaintance of yours who hurt you in some way or
another because of his uncontrolled fury. Even more
precisely, you could remember a time when you acted
under the impetus of anger yourself and now regret that
moment. You would choose to never act like that again,
wouldn’t you? Feeling scared might put you off as well;
since we all have our immanent fears, we struggle as
much as possible to give them a wide berth, so that we
can avoid being seized with horror. “Disgusting” is
obviously ascribed to objects with obnoxious traits, such
as sliminess, stench or a taste so bad, that you want to
spit it out. Certainly on the black list of emotions, right?
Finally, contempt might be a bit of an elusive term.
Briefly, contempt is related to disgust, just that it is
directed at people and their actions, not objects. You can
envisage it as the little sister of hatred, since it is a sign
of our disapproval and rejection of somebody. Contempt
seems to shatter the balance of emotional peace and
harmony as well, doesn’t it?
Therefore, taking the foregoing points into
consideration, can we conclude that it is solely happiness
that we should be pursuing throughout our lives, while
trying to get rid of all the other emotions?
That would be totally wrong! As mentioned
earlier, it is our preconceptions and lack of objectiveness
that drive us into dividing our own emotions into “good”
and “bad”. Our major mistake here is the failure to take
a holistic approach to our feelings, in order to grasp their
whole functionality and purpose, not just the immediate
effects. Only by doing so will we discover that all our
emotions are essential for our lives. It is the way we
manage them that and whether we channel them into
good or bad purposes that reveal their qualities or faults.
In this respect, let’s go over our emotions once
again. Happiness, ostensibly the most desirable feeling,
can actually create no end of harm. We tend to focus
exclusively on ourselves, on our inner sensations when
experiencing enjoyment. Thus, we become oblivious to
the way others perceive our happiness. To reverse the
old adage, “Somebody’s gold can be someone else’s
poison”. For instance, a psychopath is keen on seeing his
victims suffering. It’s his way of experiencing
happiness, through inflicting pain into others. Could you
possibly consider this sort of happiness a positive
emotion, since it stands at the root of the victims’
torment?
Once again, it depends on which side you’re
standing. For the psycho’s victims, this happiness is by
no means a positive thing. On the other hand, for the
slayer, it is in fact a positive one, given his fulfillment. I
admit, this is a truly cruel example, but it illustrates the
need to judge emotions not just through your own eyes,
but also from the standpoint of other persons involved in
your actions, who might be “at the receiving end”.
A gentler case of “negative happiness” is the
creation of envy. A boastful person who has just won a
newsworthy prize and then goes about exposing his/her
tremendous
achievement
can
easily
spark
off
antagonistic sentiments in those coerced to witness this
showing-off. Good for you, bad for them. Positive and
negative at the same time.
Sadness-provoking events are unquestionably not
desirable, since the deeper the sorrow, the lower your
ability to shrug it off and go on. Yet, sadness also has a
bright side. If you didn’t show grief for the loss of your
best friend, for instance, people wouldn’t know how
much you cared for him. Sadness is actually a token of
love for a lost person and, furthermore, it shows others
that we need support in those difficult moments.
Reckless persons in this kind of situations don’t ever get
compassion from their relatives, since they come across
as thoughtless and cold-blooded.
Likewise, fear reveals that everybody has
weaknesses. But for fear, we wouldn’t be able to muster
our energy to get out of danger’s way. Although it is
sometimes perceived as shameful to flinch from danger,
it certainly protects us from harm. Also when dealing
with danger, anger can save not only our life, but that of
others’ as well. It is this rage that gathers all our
strengths, so that we can pit them against our “enemies”.
Disgust keeps us away from poisonous and toxic
substances, so feeling disgusted helps you shun them.
Lastly, contempt reveals our being at odds with
somebody, which is perfectly normal in democracy.
Supposing our “opponent” (whether during an argument
or while working as a team) spots our contempt, he
might figure out that his idea is not universally approved
of and might consider revising it.
All in all, you now understand why there are no
completely positive or negative emotions. Next time you
feel the incentive to say otherwise, try to think first of
the effect your emotional reactions have not only on
you, but also on the people around you.
Triggers and Responses
One universal law that governs life is that of
cause and effect. According to this law, all events are the
result of an anterior action and will be in their turn at the
origin of another one. Emotions are no exception to this
rule, so their study imply identifying their causes and
outcomes (Paul Ekman names them triggers and
responses, terms which I will also use henceforth).
From the outset, you need to understand that
every human behavior is primarily shaped by a genetic
inheritance (naturally established, so to say). Afterwards,
it is our relation to the surrounding environment that
takes over the fine-tuning of our nature. Scientists
usually approach this matter as the opposition between
the inborn and the learnt side of our personality
characteristics.
Take your temperament as an example. There are
four
main
temperamental
patterns:
choleric
(domineering, obstinate, ambitious, leader), melancholic
(pessimistic, easily distraught, perfectionist, organized),
sanguine (easily distracted, craving audience, optimistic,
sprightly) and phlegmatic (lazy, untroubled, calm,
sober). You did not decide which combination you
wanted to be. You inherited your temperament from
your parents. Yet, through education and later through
self-monitoring,
you
can
try
to
adjust
your
temperamental profile. For instance, melancholic-
choleric persons will find it easier to keep in check their
proneness to rage-driven actions, typical for cholerics,
especially since the melancholic traits give them a hand
in inner-focus. What I’m saying is that we all have faults
of temperament, but, at the same time, we are also
endowed with the necessary tools to correct them. More
about the link between temperaments and emotions later
in this chapter.
Back to emotions. As mentioned earlier, all
emotions are triggered by a specific impetus, and we
respond in a certain way. What you should bear in mind
is that all men around the world react to the same
triggers for all the seven main emotions; hence the name
universal triggers. In the upcoming chapters I will
expand upon this aspect, for each emotion in turn.
Likewise, universal triggers are ascribed to universal
responses, that is, we all respond the same way to the
same trigger. For instance, everybody is overwhelmed
with grief when their parents pass away. Their demise
represents the universal trigger for sadness, while crying,
feeling down in the dumps, withdrawing from the others
for some time and staying by yourself, along with your
sorrow, and the display of a sad face are part of the
universal response to upsetting situations.
In connection to this, you need now to
understand that the universality of emotional triggers
and responses is modified, up to an extent, by some
peculiarities in each individual. This means that while
we are all subject to the same universal triggers and
respond, generally speaking, the same way, we do have
some uniquely personal ways of displaying our
emotions. This uniqueness issues from how each of us
interprets the content of the universal trigger and how
we interpret the universal response patterns.
Let’s think about fear. In large part, fear is
triggered by something menacing your physical
integrity, something that seems dangerous and on the
verge of inflicting harm. Everyone gets scared by
anything that fits this description, but it depends on each
individual what constitutes a menace for him. I, for
example, am afraid of big dogs. Especially when they
bark at me, they scare the wits out of me. On the other
hand, I have no fear of heights. Conversely, my mother
loves dogs (whatever their size), but is afraid of high
buildings. This is just a minor example of how our
understanding of fear differs, so that we have distinct
and unique particular triggers for fear, even thought the
triggered emotion – fear – is the same. In both cases, we
experience fear towards a supposedly life-threatening
situation/object (universal trigger), just that for me, it is
dogs that pose this threat, in contrast to heights, for mom
(particular/individual triggers).
Obviously, if universal triggers have particular
ones subordinated to them, universal responses are also
comprised of individual reactions to these triggers.
Consider again fear. On the whole, there is a
domineering commonality concerning everybody’s reply
to frightening situations: our bodies release more
dopamine and we become aware of the danger and ready
for flight, while our emotion becomes visible on our
faces (more on facial expressions in the sections
describing comprehensively each emotion). Within this
universal response for fear, each of us has his own way
of
dealing
with
the
situation
at
hand
(particular/individual response). Let’s take the fear of
spiders (pretty endemic, actually) as an example.
Coming across a spider, one might express fear by
taking a few steps back or even run away flustered.
Another might scream and jump back. A third one could
channel his fear against the eight-legged creature and try
to squeeze it. At its worst, fear can paralyze us, keep us
motionless or even make us faint. Different people,
different reactions.
The uniqueness of what makes us react
emotionally and the types of these reactions is chiefly
embedded into our life experiences that continually
shape our personality and define who we are.
Display Rules
Having
brought
into
the
limelight
the
particularities of our individual emotional output, we are
now going to take a closer look at what sets entire
cultures apart in this respect.
While studying emotions, Paul Ekman analyzed
the differences between cultures worldwide in terms of
emotional expression management. He indentified what
he calls “display rules”, which each person within a
larger or smaller community internalizes and learns to
follow on any occasion of social interaction. Usually, it
is our family that drum these rules into us, by repeatedly
telling us how to and how not to behave in public. We
thus end up learning to modulate our feelings, by
adjusting their intensity or falsify them, by simulating,
neutralizing or masking them.
One illustrative comparison drawn by Ekman is
between Americans and Japanese:
„ [...] I tested this formulation in a series of
studies that showed that
when alone Japanese and Americans displayed
the same facial expressions
in response to seeing films of surgery and
accidents, but when
a scientist sat with them as they watched the
films, the Japanese
more than the Americans masked negative
expressions with a smile.
In private, innate expressions; in public,
managed expressions. [...]” 1
People learn to keep their emotions in check first
within the framework of their families. More often than
not, children are taught, for example, to smile whenever
a relative comes into their house. This is how the so-
called “social smile” enters into our subconscious and
we display it whenever the circumstances call for it,
although we might not genuinely feel the need for it.
Another conclusive example is how the
contestants that have reached the final stage of a beauty
contest keep their emotions at bay. After the winner is
announced, the loser restrains from immediately wiping
away the smile she was displaying while waiting for the
final decision and forces herself to hold it a little longer.
This is what is called a simulated smile, since by no
means does she really feel happy in those moments, but
she needs to send the viewers the message that she can
handle her dismal failure. She might also feel envious of
her glorious opponent, but revealing this resentment
would not play well on cameras.
On the other hand, the winner also has to be
careful with her “emotional wildfire” (term coined by
Ekman), unless she wants to come across as
condescending or even sneering while looking down on
the one she has just got the better of. So the first thing
the winner does when hearing she won the title is burst
into tears. This happiness mixed with sorrowful crying is
intended to send an underlying message: “I appreciate