ABRAM & SARAI
What is this you have done to me?
—Pharaoh
“So after God scatters men about the earth, Abram emerges from the genealogy of Shem and becomes the focus of our story. And God comes to Abram to tell him this,” said the man:
“Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you. I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse, and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”22
“Very trusting, seeing as how God sends him to a mysterious place ‘I will show you,’” said the boy.
“Indeed,” said the man. “God asks Abram to do a very bold thing by leaving the comfort of home to venture out into an unknown world, therefore testing his faith and obedience. But, as we see, ‘Abram departed as the Lord had spoken to him, and Lot went forth with him. And Abram was seventy-five years old when he left Haran.’”
“Seventy-five?” said the boy. “Hangin’ out in dad’s basement a little too long, aren’t we?” The old man chuckled as the boy asked, “Who was Lot again?”
“His nephew, whose father had died.”
“Right,” said the boy. “Let’s hear it then.”
“Well, Abram, his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and a few unnamed others from Haran set off toward the land of Canaan. But after a long journey they arrive to find the land already occupied. There was no welcome party after our chosen one entered the land of these cursed descendants of Noah. There was no comfort or acknowledgment for Abram’s people. Instead, all we know is that ‘the Lord appeared to Abram and sai—’”
“Hold up, hold up. What does that mean, the Lord appeared?”
“He, um…” said the man, scratching his head. “Well, to be honest, I’d never really given much thought to that line.”
“Yeah, I noticed,” said the boy. “You were about to gloss over it just like the author did. But other than Eden, God hasn’t done much appearing before now. Is this a vision in Abram’s mind? Was God some kind of hovering ghostly spirit? Did he manifest Himself in the classic old-man-with-a-beard-and-sandals type of way?”
“Well…” said the man, still searching for an answer.
“This seems like a pretty significant event, yet I’m the only one to take notice? Are they saying Abram got a good look at the Almighty and didn’t care to spit out a few words on what He looked like?”
“Apparently not,” said the old man. “And while the details aren’t mentioned, we’ll see God appear in numerous ways throughout the Scripture, some like the ones you mentioned, others like dreams, or a transference of thought, or a vision.”
“Well, I guess we chalk it up to one of those mysteries we’ll never solve then,” said the boy.
With a nod the old man found his place again. “So the Lord appears to Abram and says, ‘To your descendants I will give this land.’ But Abram isn’t discouraged by this unwelcoming arrival. Instead, he builds an altar for the Lord and prays. Then he moves on to the mountain east of Bethel and pitches his tent, and again he builds an altar to the Lord and calls on the name of the Lord.”
“I assume there’s some significance there?” said the boy.
“Oh yes,” said the man. “The first time Abram builds an altar was after God appeared to him. But when Abram pitches his tent the following night, he builds an offering on his own accord, merely to honor God, and perhaps offer gratitude and prayer for their safe passage across the mountain. This becomes a ritual for Abram’s family and their followers wherever they pitch their tents at night. A reminder that wherever we go, let us not forget our relationship with God.”
The boy nodded quietly to allow the man’s words to linger.
“Then they pack up and head south,” said the man, reading on again:
Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.”23
“I love the assumption he jumps to,” said the boy, “even though he’s never actually been to Egypt.”
“What assumption is that?” said the man.
“That his wife is so hot she’ll be desired by every Egyptian in town because apparently they only produce uggos there. Not to mention she’s gotta be around seventy-five here.” The old man’s eyebrows perked up. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being old,” said the boy, “but come on now. The Pharaoh of Egypt, who can have his choice of any young pick of the litter in his own country, or Abram’s caravan for that matter, is going to settle for a little old lady who’s withering away after trudging through a desert? And they’d murder him for her? It’s a tad presumptuous is all I’m saying.”
“But they do—”
“I mean what kind of example is that setting for your followers anyway? Never mind your wife. You’re God’s chosen one. You have his blessing. Everyone who curses you will be cursed! Where is your confidence that God didn’t march you across some unknown land just to be slaughtered at the time of your arrival? Ye of little faith, you might say. Honestly I think he was into the idea. Abram must’ve been the world’s first cuckold.”
There was a strong and awkward silence as the man turned to look off into the distance.
“Sorry,” said the boy. “Keep going.”
With a sigh the man turned back to his Bible and read on:
When Abram entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that the woman was very beautiful. And when the princes of Pharaoh saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh. And the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house.24
“These Pharaohs are freaks.”
“I can’t do this,” said the man, closing his Bible.
“No, no, wait. Come on, I’m just joking around.” The old man stared off into the distance once again. “I’ll stop, I promise. Here, where were we,” said the boy, looking down at his own version. “They took her into the house and gave Abram many gifts in exchange. ‘He had sheep and cattle and donkeys and male and female slaves and she-asses and camels. But the Lord afflicted Pharaoh and his household with terrible plagues because of Sarai the wife of Abram.’”
The old man maintained his stare.
“Come on, man, you’re not even paying attention. Look, I was right. Obviously Abram screwed up if God’s bringing plagues around.”
“No,” sighed the man, “God wasn’t pleased with Abram’s lie.”
“Seems like Pharaoh wasn’t too pleased here either,” said the boy, looking down to read:
“What have you done to me? Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She’s my sister,’ so that I took her as my wife? Now, here is your wife. Take her and go!” Then Pharaoh gave his men orders about him, and they sent him away with his wife and all he had.25
The boy looked skyward and shook his head in disbelief.
“What?” said the man.
“I take back what I said. I don’t know what message God is trying to send here.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well look what just happened. Abram lies and deceives to pimp out his wife and he’s rewarded for doing so, all because poor Pharaoh is trying to win over Sarai’s ‘brother’ for an honest marriage. And if it’s not bad enough that Pharaoh is being duped, God sets a plague upon his innocent people? And while Pharaoh is coughing up blood or whatever, he tells Abram, ‘Eh, just go along your merry way without any symptoms of this pandemic you caused. I won’t slay you for bringing sickness and death upon my kingdom with your lies or anything.’ It’s pretty lame honestly. What moral are we supposed to take away here? Lie and deceive and God will help you escape with treasure?”
Taken aback, the man said, “Well that’s certainly a different way of looking at things.”
“Well how are you supposed to look at things?”
“First of all,” said the man, “God certainly doesn’t endorse lies and deceit. He spares Abram because of the covenant they have and tries him for this behavior later on. As for Pharaoh and his princes, I only saw them value Sarai as a sexual object to be taken into a bed chamber, as opposed to getting to know her inner beauty as a woman.”
“We don’t even know if Sarai has any inner beauty,” said the boy. “She could be a terrible person for all we know, one that goes along with these mischievous plans her husband schemes up, like some kind of original Bonnie and Clyde. Instead of banks and guns they steal dowries with smallpox.”
“I doubt this story is the way you’re making it out to be,” said the man. “We can hardly assume there was an ulterior motive here.”
“What do you mean?” said the boy. “Abram said, ‘Please say you are my sister, that it may be well with me for your sake.’ Seems like he was after material gain from the start.”
“Yes, ‘and that I may live because of you,’” said the man. “I’d say the fear for his life was the greater concern here.”
“Maybe,” said the boy, “or maybe Abram was using fear as an excuse to convince Sarai to sleep with Pharaoh for material gain when clearly he already knew he had God’s blessing. Let’s see how things shake out because so far I’m not sold on Abram being as saintly as the rumors make him out to be.”
The old man opened his Bible again and stared into the pages quietly. After a moment to himself he read on:
Then Abram went up from Egypt, he and his wife and all that he had—
“Stole,” said the boy.
The man squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before he kept reading:
…and Lot with him, to the South. Abram was very rich in livestock, in silver, and in gold. And he went on his journey from the South as far as Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, to the place of the altar which he had made there at first. And there Abram called on the name of the Lord.26
“Yeah, thanks, Lord, for all that treasure we robbed.” The boy made his voice all dainty and feminine. “Oh, my. Woe is me. That big mean Pharaoh will kill me when he finds out I married a pretty lady!” With a fold of the arms he said, “Asshole.”
The old man drew in a long breath and exhaled in the same manner before he tried to read again:
Lot also, who went with Abr—
“You know, at least we can take away some kind of don’t-judge-a-book-by-its-cover moral here. Pharaoh turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Even after Abram brought plagues upon his household he still sent them away with gold and silver. I mean Sarai must have made a real good impression on him.” A smile grew upon the boy’s face as he said, “Though I won’t venture a guess as to how.”
The man scrunched his face in dismissal and said, “We shouldn’t assume anything happened between them.”
“We shouldn’t?” said the boy. “Pharaoh clearly said, ‘I took her as a wife.’ And he paid him for her, well, I might add. Clearly there was a transaction and clearly Pharaoh thought he got a pretty good deal. God set terrible plagues upon them because of Sarai, to put a stop to whatever ungodly things she was doing in there.”
The boy shook his head in a tsk tsk manner as the man said, “I don’t think that’s how the story goes,” his frustration showing through.
“Suit yourself,” said the boy, “but I think Pharaoh is the only saintly one in this tale. I don’t understand why God punished him when he’s the one who got tricked into paying for what he thought was a perfectly legitimate wife.”
“Well, God works in mysterious ways,” said the man.
“Oh don’t give me that,” said the boy. “Everyone knows that’s a cop-out to justify unexplainable things.”
“Well, perhaps if God had not created the plague that led Pharaoh to send them away, Abram would have stayed in Egypt, where things were easy, instead of pushing forth to live out God’s plan. Not to mention he would have lost his wife completely.” The boy said nothing, so the man pressed on. “And there’s nothing that says this was a deadly plague. I think it’s you filling in the blanks this time.”
“That’s fair,” said the boy. “Plus the story would have come to an end too soon anyway.”
“Maybe this was all to see the lesson you mentioned,” said the man, “to experience the generosity and forgiveness of someone you unfairly judged.” The boy gave a nod in silence, so the man read on:
Now Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks, herds, and tents. And the land could not support both of them while living together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to remain together. And there was strife between the herdsmen of Abram’s livestock and the herdsmen of Lot’s livestock. Now the Canaanites and the Perizzites were living in the land at that time.27
So Abram said to Lot, “Please let there be no strife between you and me, and between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are brethren. Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me. If you take the left, then I will go to the right, or if you go to the right, then I will go to the left.”28
“Leave it to wealth to divide a family,” said the boy.
The man stared off into the distance with a solemn nod. “Yes, my sister and I had a falling out over the will of our parents when they died.” He coughed up a single, saddened laugh and said, “It was so foolish. We never spoke again, and now she’s gone too. I’ll never live that down.” He shook his head as he looked back at the boy, who returned his gaze with compassion. “Abram, though, was wise in the way he dealt with Lot. He could have easily said, ‘I’m your elder, so I’ll choose the more fertile land for myself and leave you the dregs.’ Who knows what might have happened then if there was already strife between the men. Perhaps the neighbors would’ve grasped the window to divide and conquer if they saw there was turmoil.”
“That’s true,” said the boy. “But let’s find what did happen.”
So the man read on:
Lot took a long look at the fertile plains of the Jordan Valley in the direction of Zoar. The whole area was well watered everywhere, like the garden of the Lord or the beautiful land of Egypt.29
“Sounds like a pretty good choice to me,” said the boy.
“Lot thought so too,” said the man, reading on again:
Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom. But the people of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord.30
“Uh-oh,” said the boy. “Here come your evil cities again.”
“We shall see,” said the man with a smile. “But I like this part at the close of the chapter. The Lord comes back to Abram and tells him that the land he’s left with will be his forever, to explore it, to know that his descendants will multiply there. This fulfills the promise He made to Abram before he set out on his journey. And so Abram builds an altar, a good reminder that God deserves our praise when He delivers on His promises.”
The boy gave a nod.
“It’s worth noting also,” said the man, “that God comes at a time when Abram has parted from his companion, undoubtedly a saddening time. Not to mention a time when the strength of his clan was cut in half. This serves as a reminder that communion with God may serve to fill any longing for lost or distant friends, and that when separated from our kin, He can give us the strength we need.”
The boy agreed, but with a stark change in demeanor, he said, “Wait a minute. When they first introduced Sarai, didn’t they say she was barren?”
“They did,” said the man.
“So how are Abram’s descendants supposed to…” The boy trailed off as the man failed to hold back a smile. “Never mind,” said the boy. “I guess I’ll wait and see.”
Rehearsing from memory, the man said, “Then a war breaks out amongst the surrounding kings in the land where Lot chose to settle. There was an invasion and raid of the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah, driving the survivors into the mountains. The invaders plunder all the goods and provisions and take captives before they leave, Abram’s nephew among them.”
“Those damn cities,” said the boy with a smile.
“But one of Lot’s servants escapes to find Abram and reports the news. When Abram hears of this, he arms three hundred men and goes on the chase. He tracks them down and attacks them and is able to rescue Lot and all his people and belongings.”
“It’s interesting to hear God’s chosen one isn’t just some meditating man on a mountain or something, but instead a warrior who can lead an army into battle,” said the boy, thrusting an imaginary sword at an invisible adversary.
“Very true,” said the man, raising an index finger. “And not just conquest for the sake of gain either. He only drew the sword to rescue a friend in need.”
“Not bad for a seventy-five-year-old who just moved out of his parents’ basement,” said the boy, sheathing his invisible sword.
The old man chuckled. “Anyway, the king of Sodom goes out to meet Abram as he returns from victory, and his ally, the king of Salem, brings bread and wine to celebrate and bless Abram. They try to hand Abram a reward, but Abram turns it down here,” said the man:
“I have lifted my hand to the Lord, God Most High, Possessor of heaven and earth, that I would not take a thread or a sandal strap or anything that is yours, lest you should say, ‘I have made Abram rich.’ I will take nothing but what the young men have eaten, and the share of the men who went with me.31
“How noble,” said the boy, a hand over his heart, eyelashes fluttering.
The man continued:
After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.”
But Abram said, “Lord God, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”
Then Abram said, “Look, You have given me no offspring. Indeed one born in my house is my heir!”32
“Sheesh,” said the boy. “This really seems to be weighing on him.”
“Yes, well, although Abram has honor and glory and land and gold, it means nothing to him without an heir to pass it along to. It’s noteworthy also that his first verbal speech to God is doubt that His promise can be delivered. Up until this point, all we’ve seen from Abram is silent obedience or gestures of gratitude.”
“Yeah, I don’t think God appreciated that. Seems like there was an awkward pause before Abram spat out another line blaming God for the lack of offspring.” The boy coughed, “Adam,” before he said, “Poor Sarai can’t been feeling too pleased with herself here either.”
“No, I can’t imagine so. But God assures Abram with this,” said the man:
“This one shall not be your heir, but one who will come from your own body shall be your heir.”
Then He brought him outside and said, “Look now toward heaven and count the stars if you are able to number them. So shall your descendants be.”
And he believed in the Lor—33
“Sorry, I skimmed ahead here. But this is a strangely specific sacrifice God asks for. A three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old she-goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon? I mean, that’s a quest on its own. And how is he supposed to know the age of all these things? And why is the turtledove the only thing allowed to be old and decrepit?”
“Well, he’d have a pretty good idea of age having herds of his own,” said the man.
“This sounds like a witch’s brew,” said the boy, shifting his voice into a high-pitched whine. “Bring me four toadstools, three frog tongues, two bat wings, and a partridge in a pear tree!”
The man tried not to laugh, but a smile escaped him. “Well, right before this, Abram asks God how he’ll know when he’ll inherit the promised land, so God asks him to make this sacrifice, presumably in exchange for the sign Abram’s looking for. The age of three is approximately when those animals are the healthiest and strongest, because God deserves the best in terms of our sacrifice. As far as the turtledove, you’ve got me there.”
“Just one of those mysteries,” said the boy.
“Just one of those mysteries,” said the man. “But there’s a part here worth mentioning, where Abram is awaiting his sign and has to scare away vultures that swoop down to pick at his sacrifice. This could be seen as a metaphor for batting away any doubts that surface in your mind while waiting for a sign from God.”
“That makes sense,” said the boy. “So what happens?”
So the old man read:
Now when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram, and behold, horror and great darkness fell upon him.
Then He said to Abram, “Know certainly that your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs, and will serve them, and they will afflict them four hundred years.”34
“Damn,” said the boy, “all that journeying through strange lands, giving your wife up to Pharaohs, and fighting battles, all for the promise of your mysterious offspring to be slaves?”
“Well, God goes on to say, ‘the nation whom they serve I will judge’ and ‘afterward they shall come out with great possessions.’ And at least Abram ‘shall go to your fathers in peace’ and ‘be buried at a good old age.’”
“Back to dad’s basement?”
“No, no,” laughed the man. “Fathers as in ancestors in the afterlife.”
“Oh, duh. Alright, so Abram is lying there having a divine revelation. Then what?”
The man read on:
And it came to pass, when the sun went down and it was dark, that behold, there appeared a smoking oven and a burning torch that passed between those pieces.35
“An oven? Like a General Electric range top? What are we talking about here?”
“Well, I thi—”
“Look,” said the boy, pointing at his text, “at least here it says a ‘smoking brazier,’ which can be lit with wood or something. I know they’re trying to modernize the translations and all, but can’t they assume the average reader is smart enough to realize we’re talking olden times?”
“Well this could have been a coal oven. I’ve also heard the translation as ‘firepot,’” said the man, “which is perhaps more in line with what’s trying to be conveyed here.”
“Anything’s better than oven,” said the boy. “The story is supposed to be wrapped in mysticism, and the imagery sucks you right out of it. All I’m saying is that we’ve just made a great sacrifice of turtledoves and heifers and now our sign is a smoking kitchen appliance we don’t have a fire extinguisher for?”
“You seem really upset about the oven,” said the man. “Is it something we can move past, or should we call it a day?”
“Oh shit, what time is it?” said the boy, looking at his watch. He slammed his book shut and stood abruptly.
“Another dinner?”
“No, no. I have a test tomorrow I haven’t studied for.” He stuffed the book in his bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Look, I’m not blaming God here. Clearly He delivered a lasting impression to symbolize the covenant. I just think the translator dropped the ball on this one.”
The man shook his head with a smile.
“Alright, see you tomorrow,” said the boy.
The old man raised his hand goodbye, but the boy had already turned down the path.