LECTURE 14
OF HOW I LOST MY OWN MOTHER THOUGH SHE STILL LIVES
Growing up as a child, one of my greatest fear was to lose my mother, being a single mother, for I was so emotionally attached to her, and the empathy between us was great too. Anytime the thoughts of her death presented itself to my mind, it brought great tension upon me, and shook me to the point where my knees almost trembled. But oftentimes, her physical appearance did interfere those thoughts and mental pictures, and salvaged me from those pains and inward afflictions.
But then again, my spirit kept terrorizing me with those imaginations, and it always left with questions stained on my heart; “So what happens to you in case she dies or is no more?” “How are you going to take it should you lose her this very day?” Of course, I always knew the answers to those questions. Inwardly, I knew something terrible would happen to me should that be the case. I knew my pains would be so great and severe, and my tears would be boundless. I knew I was going to be in no less trouble should that happen. So occasionally, I lifted my eyes towards God, and humbly beseeched him for his strength should the unfortunate happen.
On one glorious night, amidst my usual meditations and silent prayers, He whispered into my ears with that very Voice, wherewith He called forth Abraham unto Moriah’s Mount, and said “Son, it is either you lose your loved ones willfully, or you lose them painfully!” And of course, I knew what The Lord was beckoning at. He wanted me to repair the ruins of my heart. He wanted me to rid His temple of that infatuated and corrupt love for my ‘Isaac’. And like Abraham, I never spared ‘my Isaac’, and all the other ‘Isaacs’.
In fact, from that night forth, I began to disinfect my heart from all earthly contacts and relations. I began to remove all my dear ones from the temples of my heart, with my dearest mother being first. For my mom, especially, it was so difficult for me, but I had to do it at all cost. It was needful that I put her where she rightfully belonged; not in my heart. She had to decrease for Christ to increase. She had to be dethroned for Zion’s King to be enthroned.
But how did I do that? Very simple. Since I knew the intensity of those pains I would suffer, were she to die, all I did was to break those pains and sorrows into fragments, having accurate knowledge of the Divide-and-Conquer algorithm, which I shall explain in subsequent lectures, and then took a daily dose of it.
I mean, I would always spend some time in isolation, and give diligent contemplations to her death. Oftentimes, I would look steadily on the ground as though her mortal remains were set before me and her memorial around me. I did also picture her atimes as though she were robed in gown, and laid in a casket with the neighbors filing past her body. This holy exercise I repeatedly gave diligence to practice, always brought much pain and grief to my heart. Frankly speaking, it inflicted great wounds on my heart, and it always brought tears streaking down my cheeks. Though these were only virtual imaginations and pictures, I did feel their impact in my body as though they were real. I would always cry myself to stillness in the bewilderment of the ‘pictured tragedy’ saying Alas . . . Alas, mama is no more. Oh Poor miserable me!
Truth be told, it got to a point where I felt I was only inflicting emotional wounds on myself, and thus subjecting myself to useless sorrows. Because as often as I turned to the voice of reason, it rebuked me and painted the whole exercise as demonic. But how can it be demonic, the exercise which is intended to unite a creature with His Creator. How can it be ungodly, if God habits every scene of it? For the love I had for her, I had to willfully let go of her. It was better to sacrifice her willfully, than to lose her painfully.
So notwithstanding that, I pressed on relentlessly with the practice, wherefore my tears and sorrows were greatly increased. The more tears I had rolling down my cheeks, the more I felt her fading out of my heart. With consistent practice of this devotion, it came to a point where I found her completely out of my heart. I mean to say, I came to a point where such virtual episodes excited little or no pain. I simply found great cure for my possessive and obsessive love towards her, being the only woman I have known since childhood. I, just like Abraham, found a potent cure from ‘my Isaac’. Since then, I have learnt to retain my heart singly for the Lord.
Though I still love and cherish her, and even have her by my side, safe and sound, as a write, she is altogether dead unto me now. I have lost her completely. I mean, she abides no more in my heart. I am therefore happy to say that the Almighty reigns there alone. Should it therefore be announced to me today that she is no more or dead, I will suffer no great pain or shock, like I would, if it were years back. My sorrows shall be very little or few.
This, have I done to all my earthly contacts and relations, who invade my heart to risk me of losing my God. Yes, it is painful, but I have come to love this operation for the tenacity of sweeping out excesses from the heart. I have come to love it for the drive, with which it detaches me from creatures. I simply love it for the strength, with which it tears me away from my self.
Yours sincerely, almost all the saints who underwent this surgical procedure deemed it painful. But it is our corruption that makes it necessary; and that is the cause of the pain we bear. Truth be told, God never wishes to hurt us. He only takes from us the things we love, only to make us love them with a pure and balanced love, to assure us an eternal joy in His bosom. It is to do us a hundred times more good, than we would know how to desire for ourselves. If He would not spare His Only Begotten Son, He would not spare us too.
“God never makes trouble for us,” says Old Francois Fenelon “except in spite of himself, so to speak.”
He continues to say, “His father's heart does not try to desolate us. But he cuts to the quick to cure the ulcer of our heart. He only takes from us what we love too dearly, what we love in the wrong way and without discretion, what we love to the prejudice of His love.”
Dear friends, for us to retain our God, we first ought to lose our dearest Isaac. Because, until Isaac is fully dethroned, He can’t be enthroned. He just wouldn’t bargain for space, or condescend to a little that you keep for Him. He would neither compromise nor make any condescension. It is either you vote Him out or you vote Him in; only that He, The Creator, wouldn’t share His Royal Diadem with Creatures.
So, let every man, HENCE, choose who his master should be. But be cautioned that you may only choose one and not two. “For no man”, says the Jealous One of Israel, “can serve two masters at a time.” We can’t bow to The Throne Eternal, and to mammon altogether.
Friends, if Zion’s King will actually rush down with His Holy Government and reign in any mortal heart, He would first look into that heart to be sure, that the whole, and not a part, is entrusted to Him. It is either you give All to Him, or He takes nothing at all.
Open your heart then, brethen! Open it without measure, so that God can rush in there like a torrent. Do not fear; just open it as wide as you can, and He will move in there to reign with Pride. If only you will fill your heart with His Love, than with fear for yourself, He will lead you by the hand and shepherd you into the New Jerusalem.
THE BALANCE
By Augustus Montague Toplady
Ah! give me, LORD, the single eye,
Which aims at nought but Thee:
I fain would live, and yet not I--
But JESUS live in me.
Like Noah's dove, no rest I find
But in Thy ark of peace;
Thy cross, the balance of my mind;
Thy wounds, my hiding-place.
In vain the tempter spreads the snare,
If Thou my keeper art;
Get thee behind me, GOD is near,
My Saviour takes my part!
On Him my spirit I recline,
Who put my nature on;
His light shall in my darkness shine,
And guide me to His throne.