CHRIS VESTER

How did you two meet? What is your origin story?

ALANA BOOKHOUT

Dustin was playing football at Hardin-Simmons University in Abilene, Texas. I followed my high school boyfriend there. I ditched the family plan where everyone went to Baylor, and highly disappointed my parents in doing so. I followed my high school boyfriend there only to be heartbroken. I told everyone I would never date again. About two months later, this home skillet swooped in. We instantly knew we were going to be together. I told my parents I met the one I was going to marry three days after Dustin and I connected. He told his parents the same thing on the same day. We were married a year later. Everyone thought we were crazy.

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

I remember how she came to school with her boyfriend. She had caught my eye, but we were never single at the same time. She was with her high school boyfriend, and I was with this girl I had been dating on and off. Then, we became single at the same time, and my next-door neighbor knew her and said she would introduce her to me. She did that, and the rest is history. We stayed up all night talking and getting to know each other. I threw all my chips on the table, and she didn’t run away.

CHRIS VESTER

You’ve been married for 18 years. You started a marriage ministry called Marriage in Action. Tell us about that.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

It’s strange the way God works. Years ago, after we had only been married a handful of years, we talked about how we felt like God wanted us to do something with a marriage ministry, but we would laugh because we were still basically newlyweds. We didn’t think anyone would listen to us. So, we deliberately disobeyed or didn’t listen to that prompting for many years. We started out by doing little things. We got involved in our church and would lead a home marriage group. It never felt like we were obeying what God asked us to do. We didn’t think we were equipped for the task. Looking back, it sounds silly because we know we should always obey. He will equip the called, but we didn’t really listen.

Then, three years ago Dustin said, “I think we’re supposed to do a marriage podcast.” So, he went out and bought all the podcasting equipment we needed and for three years it’s been sitting in a box. We have been in the marriage ministry for years, but it has been behind the scenes. We were talking to people and ministering to couples. God would bring many couples to us through the church, friendships, and neighbors. It wasn’t until last summer we decided we should focus on this and we chose a date. We said we were going to launch in three days. We had no idea what we were doing. We still have no idea what God wants us to do with this. It’s been so fun and rewarding to dive in and say, “Lord, we’re yours. We will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and You direct us along the way. Hopefully we will obey every prompting you give us from this point forward.”

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

We were very hesitant. I felt like the enemy was trying to mislead us, because we didn’t have any war stories in our marriage. We felt like we were ill equipped and didn’t think we could do it as well as other people. Then we just leaned into the Lord and asked Him to tell us what to do. We were able to launch and get going. Like Alana said, we have been helping couples for 18 years. We finally realized we didn’t need to have a war story to be able to help other couples.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

We realized we didn’t have to give in to the idea that we had to have a horrific experience to have a Godly marriage. It was in this moment when we realized we could show people what we’ve done. We’ve been through hardships, for sure. We want to show people marriage can be like that.

CHRIS VESTER

Where did you two start out in your faith? Was it something you both came into the marriage with? Or did you come across it after you got married?

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

I grew up in a home where I probably went to church a handful of times. We believed in God because we went to church. We went to a church where it was expected we dress in our Sunday best and attend Sunday school. We were at church for hours. Then I got to Hardin-Simmons and people were going to church in jeans and I thought, “Hold on, what is this?”

While I was in college, my teammates invited me to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and I began attending. That was when I realized that even cool people could be Christians. I saw you could live a great life as a Christian and that’s when I accepted Jesus into my life. Once you do that, the enemy starts to attack. I was tempted and misled. I wasn’t living a life of pure faith. After I met Alana, the stars aligned, and I felt there was a path I must go down if I wanted to be a good father and a good husband. Her dad was a great mentor to me. He’s a strong Christian man. He’s been an Elder at their church for many years.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

I became a believer at a young age. When we first started dating, I wasn’t walking with the Lord the way I should have been. When I met Dustin, we shared everything in our past; the good, the bad, the ugly, and the sinful. It wasn’t until a few years into our marriage we started walking with Him. I always prayed that Dustin would step up and be a spiritual leader, but I knew he didn’t know what that looked like because he never had that. Sometimes we wish we could go back in time because I was not as prayerful of a wife as I could have been in that season. I thought, “Well, since he’s not walking with the Lord, I won’t either.” A few years into our marriage I prayed he would become a spiritual leader faithfully and it has been so cool to watch my husband grow since.

He had become a believer before we met, but I watched him be a newborn believer, and then fall to the wayside, and then come back and not only grow in his faith but become an amazing spiritual leader in our home. He is now an Elder at our church. It's been so cool to see his growth with the Lord. Our marriage got even stronger when we did that. We were both chasing after God. Now our marriage gets closer and closer because of it.

CHRIS VESTER

Pastor Keith came up with this idea when he was 15 that he told to his wife Sheila. He drew a triangle on a piece of paper and said, "This is how I see relationships." They weren't even dating yet. At the bottom of the triangle, the two corners were them, and at the top was God. He said, "The more we search Him, the closer we'll get." That’s true for all relationships, not just marriage but even relationships with your kids.

You baptized your own children. What was that like?

ALANA BOOKHOUT

Dustin had grown in his faith long before that moment. We've always been very involved in our church. Early in our marriage we were trying to find our way, so by the time we had kids they were surrounded by faith. Of course, we fail all the time. One child asked me to baptize them and the other asked Dustin. It was the coolest day.

SUZANNE VESTER

When you look back at your life so far, what are the top two or three highlights?

ALANA BOOKHOUT

When we were newly married, about a year in, we were in an awful place financially. We had to decide between buying food or paying a bill. It was so hard. We had zero money, so we would have to come up with creative ways to go on dates. We would pick a letter of the alphabet and then that would be the first letter of the theme of our date. For example, G was for greeting card and one time we went to Target, found each other greeting cards, showed them to each other and put them back. We didn’t buy them because we didn’t have the money. We were forced to be creative with the little we had. When I look back at that season, I’m thankful for the hardship because I appreciate things like that so much more.

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

My top highlight was when we went to Jellystone. We were in an RV that should have been condemned. It was such a bad RV, but a fun experience. That memory sticks out because we made the best of the worst situation possible. We laughed through it and smiled through it. We had the best time as a family. Even our kids will tell you it’s one of their favorite trips we've ever been on because we were roughing it.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

Dustin has always worked crazy hours. There was a long season in there where he was working seven days a week. After we passed Thanksgiving, we realized it had been 72 days since he had a day off. When he would come home at night, I would have dinner ready, and our youngest, Carsten, would ask, “Go to work tomorrow?” When Dustin would say yes, Carsten would cry. That was the cycle we were on.

I finally said to him, “I hate this. Your kids don’t even know you. I don’t want our kids to grow up and feel like they never knew their dad because he worked so hard.” They didn’t have this relationship with them. Then, God blessed us with a business in network marketing that grew quickly. This was something I had originally said no to. I disobeyed at first. When I obeyed, Dustin got to quit his job nine months later. It’s all about watching the goodness of God when we obey Him.

Dustin never had to go back. We've worked from home together since then, and it's just been such a blessing. Before our kids didn’t know their dad, now he’s at every game and every practice. He doesn't miss a birthday or holiday like he did before. But I look back with fondness at that hardship prior to coming out and enjoying the harvest. It’s nice to appreciate the hard season and then see God bring us out on the other side.

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

Being able to quit my job is my favorite memory. I was in a high-pressure sales job. I was in a meeting with my manager at the time who was giving a passionate speech about sales.

The last thing he said before the managers left was, “I believe so strongly in this that I would sell my daughter’s soul.”

I called Alana as soon as I left the meeting and said, “I’m working for Satan. I can’t do this anymore.” She told me to quit, and I quit that day. That was the most demonic thing I have ever been a part of in my life. It was scary.

CHRIS VESTER

When you create your content, where does that inspiration come from? How do you know where you’re headed next? Right now, you’re doing a countdown of days of devotions. Where did you get that information?

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

It all starts in Alana’s brain. She’s the creative mastermind behind it. We have a lot of late-night talks and meetings where we discuss what we’re going to do. We’ll start by making reels for Instagram. We'll have a general idea of what we're doing for the content behind it, but then we'll start talking and she'll just start pumping out the content that comes to her, based on an idea that one of us had.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

I think it's easy because if we have just gone through something, fought over something, argued over something, or if I've appreciated something, I think it can make great content. My brain never shuts off. I’m constantly taking down notes on my phone or a random post-it note. It’s been fun to have an outlet. I always need something to create. The best answer to your question as to what inspires our content is our marriage together. I've been able to pull so much content from what we're walking through, what we've been through, and the tips that helped us.

As for the devotion, we are not always faithful at that, but we love doing devotions together. I said, "This would be fun to do it for people who may or may not do devotions." Since these reels are a minute or less, it's like spitfire. Let's get it out there so they can hear a little bit of it. We're taking the Sacred Marriage devotional this month and turning these devotions into Instagram reels. We've had to have a lot of “Come to Jesus” meetings because we only have a minute to get through three pages of content. Our marriage has grown quite a bit through us doing this.

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

We're closer now than when we started Marriage in Action. We’ve grown so close because we're finally obeying what we've always been prompted to do.

CHRIS VESTER

Only 18% of people who define themselves as Born Again Christians read the Bible daily. 23% of that same group never pick it up. We try to put the content out there in a way that gets people to pay attention for a minute. Many people don’t read the Bible because the language confuses them, which is why talking about the Bible in an entertaining way can drive the conversation deeper.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

The messages we've received have been so great. People tell us their marriage is better and they are closer with the Lord.

These messages fire us up and get us excited. We see God all over and we ask Him, “What’s next?”

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

The reels are the hook to bring people in. We try to have that funny short video, to get people laughing or intrigued about who we are and what we’re doing. Then once they're hooked in, maybe they'll start reading the content. That's where the meat and potatoes are.

CHRIS VESTER

What are some of the biggest obstacles you’ve helped someone overcome? What's one of the biggest and most impactful things you've seen happen through your coaching?

ALANA BOOKHOUT

There are so many great stories. Most always, it boils down to some sort of disconnect in communication. One could be upset with the intimacy in the marriage, but it hasn't been communicated. Maybe something was said years ago that hurt the other spouse and they’ve been holding on to it without letting the other person know. Repeatedly, it comes down to communication.

People are sold the lie that we have a soulmate and this feeling of love. Sometimes people say they fell out of love a long time ago and we don’t believe that’s how love works. Love is a choice. It's a commitment. It's a vow that you gave before your spouse and before the Lord. When we get people to realize that and to choose love, we see huge progress with those people. They must shift their idea of love. Many people think of love as this amazing feeling and think their marriage is over because they don’t have that anymore.

That’s not uncommon when you hit year three. A lot of people don’t have the butterfly feeling all the time. There are times you must choose to love your spouse even if you do not like them in this season. Then you’ll see how God will work through you. He’s teaching you a lesson during that time. It’s amazing how many marriages feel broken because they’ve lost that intimacy. The enemy has done a great job at tainting God’s design for sex. People’s view of sex is tarnished and broken.

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

We also find that one or both people are not pursing God. They say they go to church, but they're just checking that off the checklist. They're not actually pursuing Him. We'll ask questions such as, "Do you guys pray together?" Every time so far, the answer has been no. They're afraid of how they're going to sound, or what they're going to say. They want to sound like Shakespeare. You don’t have to sound like that when you're praying. It's not the King James prayer.

CHRIS VESTER

Our children understand that a prayer is simply a conversation with God. He’s the only one listening, even if other people are in the room. You brought up the idea of love and how it’s a verb or an action, not a noun or a thing. An act of love is a move.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

That's the backbone to our name, Marriage in Action. We want people to know the health of their marriage depends on their action or inaction and the way they love and act in love.

CHRIS VESTER

Alana, you said it was a pivotal moment when Dustin stepped out and started becoming the leader of the home. He was living out his faith rather than seeking on it. You said he never had that example. Dustin, how did you realize you wanted to be the spiritual leader of the home? Who did you look to for as an example?

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

I learned a lot from Alana’s father. I leaned into him and would ask him questions and pick his brain. Her dad has three siblings, and they all grew up in the church. We would go on a lot of family trips, and I would just talk to the men of the family whose spouses also grew up in the church or had been Christians for a long time. I would talk to them, lean into them, and listen a lot. I would watch and see how they lead by example.

Her dad has been the biggest factor in my spiritual development because he’s a goofball too. He can be the biggest goofball, but he never wavers. He always comes back to his faith, and he always comes back and shows how to lead. Alana has a lot of her dad’s qualities, and she has helped me in my spiritual development too. She would encourage me and remind me that I didn’t have to be a perfect person. She would tell me that God knows I’m not perfect and that’s okay. It was difficult at first because I thought I had to be perfect all the time. I thought I couldn’t stumble or have any faults. It’s easier when you know you can make mistakes. I would also talk to men in our church for guidance. Our Pastor is a great friend to me. I can call him anytime and we can talk for days. He has set a great example for me and my development as a spiritual leader.

SUZANNE VESTER

You mentioned the importance of listening to listen instead of rebutting what the other person is saying. When we don’t listen, we can’t understand the other person’s vantage point. Walk us through how you coach someone to listen correctly.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

Many times, one spouse or even both don’t know how to listen. One will start sharing and the other will immediately start arguing. Instead of doing that, people need to listen to their spouse and then retell them what they said to make sure they’re understanding their spouse correctly. The enemy loves to twist what we say.

For example, the other day, we did our podcast and Dustin said, "I miss you cooking." I could have responded by saying, "Well, you're not appreciative of everything else I'm doing?" People are missing what their spouses are saying. If they can stop and ask to make sure they’ve heard their spouse correctly, both people can be on the same page. That way they’re hearing their spouse’s heart, and nothing is being twisted. They’re not adding to or taking away from what their spouse said. If they can get that down, it helps tremendously with communication.

DUSTIN BOOKHOUT

We were forced to do that because I'm hard of hearing. I wear hearing aids. We had to repeat ourselves a lot and that’s been a great tool for us. Learning that by exercise instead of example has been great and we can pass it along to other couples. People should be listening to understand, not listening to respond.

ALANA BOOKHOUT

During the heat of the moment, listening is especially important. People need to practice listening and repeating back what the spouse says so they’re not adding something or taking away from what was said. It’s always destructive when that happens.

The focus of a conversation should not be on winning the conversation. It’s human nature to want to win and make people think we are right. If people can lay down and ask what it will take to make their marriage win, then no one loses. When you’re listening, you should be thinking about how you could help the marriage win. You must listen and make sure you’re not insulting your partner. We struggle with this in our marriage. We’re always telling people we’re not perfect. We need our own marriage counseling because we go through all this. At least we are aware of it and are always taking strides to make it better.