CHRIS VESTER

Steve Weatherford is a former star NFL player who’s now an entrepreneur and a massive encourager. He is married to his amazing wife, Laura. Can you give me a little background about how your relationship began?

STEVE WEATHERFORD

I played in the NFL for 10 years and was twice named the fittest man in the NFL. I won an award for the most philanthropic man in the NFL to represent the Giants. I played for the Chiefs, I played for the Jags, I played for the Saints, and I played for the Jets. We retired in 2016 and moved our life out to San Diego. Before all that, I met Laura when I was on my recruiting trip for the University of Illinois. She was a smalltown farm girl.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

I'm from Pontiac, Illinois. It's a rural farming community. We had horses and cows and my uncle had pigs. I lived in the same house until I went to college.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

When she met me at the University of Illinois, I had a backwards MLB hat on and a polo shirt. I was from Terre Haute, Indiana. I was trying to fool everybody. I met her the first night while on my recruiting trip. I knew there was something special about her. I kept trying to push up on her on the dance floor and she was resistant to my moves, but I later found out the impression I left on her that night.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

I could feel the six pack through his shirt.

CHRIS VESTER

What was your first impression when you saw him, Laura?

LAURA WEATHERFORD

After we met, I went home, and I called my best friend. I told her I met the guy I was going to marry. I don't remember why I said that other than the six pack. He was fun.

CHRIS VESTER

A very similar thing happened between Suzanne and me. We met at a party, and she went home and told her roommate she was going to marry me.

SUZANNE VESTER

I said, “I'm going to marry him, and he doesn't know it yet.”

LAURA WEATHERFORD

What made you think that?

SUZANNE VESTER

We had the right energy, chemistry, and connection.

CHRIS VESTER

I knew she was different, and I didn’t want to mess it up.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

We didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the Holy Spirit telling us we were meant to be together.

CHRIS VESTER

Did you two date through the entirety of college?

STEVE WEATHERFORD

We broke up several times.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

Usually, in May and December.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

Looking back on it, it was like a cycle.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

It happened when football season was over after Thanksgiving, and when spring ball was over at the end of April, beginning of May. We would break up when he didn’t have a strict sports schedule.

CHRIS VESTER

Do you see those cycles continuing when you played professional sports?

STEVE WEATHERFORD

God created us to be behavioral creatures. A lot of the patterns we see are things that happened to us as kids resurfacing as adults. When I look back on my childhood, I was always trying to get approval from my father. I have a great relationship with him now, but it was something I was constantly trying to prove. That replicated itself when I became an adult, and I was trying to win my own worth. When people are pressed or stressed, they typically go back to how they handled situations when they were a child. Great leaders are people who can look back on what happened to them and self-lead themselves through their trauma. That way the cycle doesn’t perpetuate into the future.

CHRIS VESTER

When did you get married?

LAURA WEATHERFORD

February 10^th, 2007.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

It was after the season of my rookie year in the NFL.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

It was two weeks after the NFC championship. Then we had our first child, Ace on November 20^th of that year.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

We started a family right away.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

Then we moved to Jacksonville in 2008, moved to New Jersey in 2009 and then we stayed in New Jersey.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

Interesting fact about the Weatherfords, we have lived in 28 homes in the 15 years we’ve been together. We know how to move.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

We're master movers. I like being a nomad.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

I wanted to get a farm and stay there.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

I always thought I wanted that too because I was raised in one spot. My dad traveled a lot for work, so I loved to go with him and see new things, but I always came home to the same place. I had my safety net. Now I would like to have the same thing. I was okay with moving to different states and doing different things. It was fun for me.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

It's great that she's built that way. NFL punters don’t know a ton of the playbook, so it’s easy to cut or trade them. One of the reasons we lived in so many homes is because we played for five different teams during our 10 years in the NFL. We never felt like we had much security on any of the teams we played on. We would play a season and then the season would be over, and regardless of if we were in Jacksonville, New Jersey, New York, or New Orleans, we would always go back to San Diego to do off-season training.

God placed a mentor in my life during my rookie year, John Carney. He had such a profound impact on me, we named our daughter Carney in his honor. He allowed us regularity and security that the NFL didn’t provide. Our only consistent thing on our calendar every year was celebrating Easter with John and his family in San Diego because that’s where we were during the offseason. When I was around John, he encouraged me to think differently, to train differently, and to look differently at how I am as a husband or a father. He improved the athlete and the pro that I was, but his impact on me was so much deeper than that.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people is important. The way I act and who I am as a mom is influenced by who I am around. Holly and John Carney were two people God placed in our lives to show us what it was like to be a couple and a family in the NFL. They showed us a family with a father in the NFL can stay together if they stay rooted in God. They were at the forefront of many of the things that shaped our lives and showed us what we could be.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

John Carney played in the National Football League as a kicker for 23 seasons.

LAURA WEATHERFORD

He is steady. He's so intentional with his words and his actions. We’re able to look back and see how their marriage shaped us from the NFL to the off-seasons. They were so generous with their time, talents, and money. We stayed in their house. I had babies and they had us come stay as long as we wanted. The fact that they made a home for my family and continue to do so is incredible and something I look up to.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

We learned at least three things from them during that season of our life. They didn’t teach us about values, but they allowed us to experience their values through their life. We learned values, standards, and priorities from them. God was always number one for them. John always took his family to church, so that was something we learned from them. He didn't tell us, he just let us live with him and that's what he did. By living with him, he taught us to do that too. It's cool how God sends us the right people for the right season in our lives.

We live in Texas now, and we don’t get to see or talk to John as much. Last year when my wife and I were fighting, I didn’t call John, I called you, Chris, and told you I didn’t know what was going on in my marriage. You were the first person I thought to call, and you walked me through everything and answered every phone call. You were very empathetic, told me you knew where my heart was, told me to pray, and what to read. You took over as our mentor for this season of our lives. You and Suzanne have gone the distance after being married 25 years. That’s a quarter of a century together. I’ve been with my wife for over half of my life. If you can’t get your marriage right, you’ll never live your best life. It wasn't until my wife saw me fully submit to God that I could pull out the Bible and say, "It says right here, a wife should submit to her husband." I could never ask that of her until I submitted myself to God.

I learned from you that I must submit every area of my life to God and then I can ask my wife to submit to me. I believe my wife and I reached a point where she really trusts me to lead her in all areas of life, now that she has seen me surrender different parts of my life to God and trusting in the process. Her level of faith and trust in God rose too and because of that she’s able to trust me more.

SUZANNE VESTER

I'm listening to the words you're using, because words are important and how you apply them is important. You say, “We played” and “we did,” so it's always inclusive. It's never, “I did.” In our marriage, the most conflict occurred when there has been a division between us. We weren’t acting as a “we,” we acted as you and me. Tell me more about your “we.”

LAURA WEATHERFORD

A wife should feel like she's a part of the vision her husband has or like she's a part of his spiritual walk. You must align on what the consequences are and what comes first. Even with Ace, we had to decide if he could play basketball on Sunday. We decided that after church, it was okay for him to play basketball. You must be able to put all those things together. There was a time where I felt like Steve was doing him, and I was doing me while running the family. So, it was hard when he wanted to step in and help after he retired because I wanted him to help but I wanted him to do it my way. I didn’t have to include him and then he inserted himself. At one point he even said, “I’m a leader, and it could be my way.” We didn’t talk about what was best for our family regardless of what we wanted individually.

We became a we when we took us out of the equation and decided God would lead the way and we would choose to follow and be obedient. If I feel strongly about something we can take it to God and Steve makes the final decision. I feel heard and respected with my decisions and my opinions, which makes it easier to submit to Steve. If I don't feel heard or respected with my opinions, then it makes me feel like I'm fighting him.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

In the last four years I've been on a deep vision, spiritual quest, because I've accomplished so many things and she's been a part of every one of them. Every time I say yes to a new goal, whether that’s running 100 miles in 24 hours, winning a Super Bowl, or launching a business, she’s saying yes, even if she doesn’t communicate that. She must deal with the mess of what happens when you began the vision quest.

There are three things we’ve done that allowed us to go from “I” to “we.” First, we decided as a family we were going to do it God’s way. Look in the Bible if you don’t know what it says about being a husband, a wife, or a family. Talk to someone who has read the Bible for longer than you have. Find your mentor, listen to a podcast, or talk to somebody like Chris Vester.

Second, as a husband I had to give up the right to be right. When we give up the right to be right, we aren’t playing on separate teams, we are on the same team. I had to prove to her for months I was going to do it God’s way. Because we’re doing it God’s way and gave up the right to be right, that allows her to see me in a less adversarial light and more like someone who is going to hold her weapons when she is fighting. Men should not forget that women are fighting their fight too.

Third, we asked ourselves what we valued most. She came up with a list of values, and I came up with a list of values. Then we came together and made a list of the things we value together and lead our children toward that. If we can’t come into alignment, that’s not good. Honor, positive attitude, excellence, leadership, and generosity are all important to us. If we can’t align with those values, it’s going to be difficult for us to make decisions together.

Once we did that, we decided we are going to be a family of honor, which means more than just encouraging people. We're a family that honors God, and our body. We're a family that honors our marriage. We're a family that honors our relationships and those values help us make decisions. If I have a decision or an investment to make, and it doesn't honor God or my marriage, then I don't make the decision. She can make a lot of decisions without speaking to me by running them through our filter of values.

CHRIS VESTER

It’s easy for people to spout off what their core values are, but it takes commitment to live them out. You two defined your values and now you live through them. People don’t have to ask what your core values are, they can watch your family life and see your values on display.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

If you’re in a situation with your family where you are unsure what your values are, instead of identifying exact values, think about people who live in a way you want to. Then ask yourself what about their life you like. One thing I learned from John and Holly Carney was generosity. They weren’t just generous with money, they were generous with their time, their home, and their treasures. They simply shared what they had with others.

When we started to think about our values, we thought of people like John Carney. We chose generosity because of their influence, not because we did a Google search. When you're generous, you're most like God. God placed people in our life that gave us examples of what to value and what virtue looked like. If John said, “We’re a generous family,” but then we didn’t see him act generously, it wouldn’t have been enough to motivate me to do that for other people.

CHRIS VESTER

In business you model your core values after your perfect employee. You look for the people in your life who are admirable and then figure out what you admire about them and how to put that in your life.

How do you two date when you have six children?

LAURA WEATHERFORD

You must make date night a priority. Originally, Steve made it a priority and I would have an excuse, like my family is in town, so we can’t do a date night. When this happened, he wouldn’t get upset, but he would point out that I hadn’t rescheduled. Sometimes setting rules for date night can be helpful. If you can’t make date night happen when it’s supposed to, for whatever reason, then you must make it happen the first night you can. Don’t use the excuse that you can’t find a babysitter. If family is not willing to look after your kids, go to the church and ask for a babysitter for one night a week. There are high school girls who are ready to help.

As a mom, it’s easy to use your kids as an excuse. Don’t do that. Find a way to make date night a priority. We fight if we don’t go on dates. If you start going on dates, and then stop, you realize a lot of problems are on the way because you haven’t had time with your spouse. You don't have a connection where you’re able to share what's going on in your life when the children aren’t around. There are things they don’t need to be aware of.

Date night gives you time to be with your spouse and to share what’s going on in your mind and heart. It’s a great time to cast visions and set goals. We spend most of our time going over our kids and discuss where they’ve grown, and areas they may need to improve. We discuss where we need to grow in our lives and then what that looks like for the next week.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

Couples need to be intentional in their dates. Many husbands will show up and think the date is about good food and watching a movie. Date night is not time off for them, this is time for them to be intentional and strategic. Men need to ask the right questions and actively listen to what their wife says. She gives you the cheat codes for next week. If you’re not listening and you’re just finishing dinner and waiting for the movie, you’re not being intentional on the date. God called you to do more. If you actively listen there is more intimacy and connection. If you want a swing set in your bedroom, you must be intentional and strategic.

There is a reason my wife is still attracted to me, and it’s not because of the abs anymore. Those faded a while ago. She enjoys the body I honor God with because I get to honor her with it as well. Two years ago, I was sleeping in an Airbnb garage for $59 a night because my wife didn’t get that I wanted to date her, and she wasn’t taking it seriously. There was always a reason she didn’t want to go on a date. I felt hurt and rejected, but I wasn’t paying my price. I realized I couldn’t relax during date night. I had to listen and ask questions. It had to be more than pulling her chair out.

Date night should be three hours, minimum. We have four hours scheduled every week for date night because I know we need at least three hours for the evening. Men can’t expect their wives to know how important date night is. You must cast the vision, set the goals, and talk about your children. If you don’t have children, you can talk about your business or the body you share with your wife. Ask her how she is feeling. Check in on her.

There are five power pillars: mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If you were to rate yourself in those five areas, where would you be? Then you must ask your wife what her dreams are. I was the idiot who only thought about my food and then going to the movies. I expected my marriage to get better. It doesn’t work like that. You must put in what you want to get out. I’m all in for the rest of my life. When I honor God, and I honor my wife, many of my desires are met without asking. She ordered me a new swing set for Christmas, and not for the backyard.

CHRIS VESTER

I made having an intentional conversation during date night a thing. Suzanne does a great job of drawing out real conversation. You must go into date night with the objective of working on your family. It must feel good for Laura to know how much a priority she is. When you don’t make the other a priority, you feel disconnected and that’s when couples start to fight. Not being able to connect once a week can drive a wedge between a husband and wife without them noticing. If you relax a little bit, things can get sloppy. How can couples discuss the five areas you mentioned while they are on a date?

STEVE WEATHERFORD

Communication is key. If men really want to give up the right to be right, there is a five-minute exercise one of our marriage mentors gave us. You can do it every day. When you ask your wife about her highs and lows, this is an opportunity for husbands to listen. Don’t try to solve their problems, just listen to what they say. You should ask them at the end of their day. These questions allow wives to catch you up on their day. So, I started looking for questions to ask my wife during her day that would make her feel the same as the end-of-day questions. Those questions are, “What do you need, how can I help, and what’s on your radar?” That will help me lighten her load throughout the day.

Husbands need to ask these questions, and then get on the same page as their wife every seven days. If we continue to follow our values, and live through God, our marriage won’t simply survive for 50 years, it will inspire people to go all out in their marriage. It's going to require intentionality, strategy, and consistency to be able to take territory in a relationship.

SUZANNE VESTER

Chris and I complement each other, just as you two complement each other. We balance each other out. What are some things people can reflect on and how can they give grace to their spouse when they do find their personalities differ? If you are having a hard time starting a conversation, or he’s talking over you, how do you get over that?

LAURA WEATHERFORD

It’s hard to decide when to get intense and revved up. If Steve’s intensity level goes up, he keeps talking. Sometimes he’ll say the same thing in seven different ways. When I tell him that I understand and he questions that, I explain I understand because I can repeat back the seven different ways he explained himself to me.

When I speak to anybody, I have learned that I must honor them first. If you start the conversation by saying, “Babe, you’re such a great leader and you’re such a great talker, and I’m proud that you can express yourself like that, but can I express myself too?” it disarms any potential argument, so you can have a conversation. It’s important for the other person to know you’ve heard what they said, and you understand them before having your turn. You should honor what they have to say first.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

Usually when she asks for her turn, it comes off a little passive aggressive, but we’re working on that in real time. It’s about noticing each other’s differences and honoring them because God made us that way and I don’t want her to change. Sometimes, I have trouble seeing it, however. If Laura used words like that, it would be better for me. I’m sharing this in real time with you all, as I’m sharing this with my wife, because marriage takes constant work, and we’re working on it in real time.

I want to share my family and marriage with people because I believe when we show our scars, that gives people permission to heal. People can relate to us and the fact that porn and pills were a major part of the divide between my wife and me. I didn’t find freedom from that until four and a half years ago. I am still fresh in my redemption. I am early in my journey to become white as snow. Just because Jesus comes in and cleanses you, doesn’t mean your marriage is going to be perfect. It means you are perfect now and when you are perfect you can lead something that can be perfect. If you’re not committed to doing the work and paying the price, you’ll never have the marriage God is calling you to have.

Chris's marriage isn't perfect either, but he's been working diligently, intentionally, and strategically. When other men meet him, they want to be like him because his energy is powerful. The dynamic he has with his wife is mighty. Both walk in their anointing. Suzanne doesn’t follow Chris around. For others to get there, they must keep it real. I will not try to hide my scars because I understand breakthrough for other people happens when they meet people like Chris and are themselves. When people see us a year from now, they're going to see transformation because I allowed them to see where we are. Truth and vulnerability will give permission for people to go out and heal.

CHRIS VESTER

Sharing your scars is powerful because someone may have the same scar, or it may deter someone from getting that scar. That’s where healing and caution come into place. We're 25 years in and when we’re able to speak to couples who are six months in, we can point out where they are already putting a small wedge between each other, and show how large it can grow in a year’s time.

SUZANNE VESTER

Part of the attraction we initially had was that we both had a vision for what our life was going to be. There was a drive, a purpose, and points along the map. Things fell in the ditch when our differences became divisive. Things got back on track and started going well when he had the realization that I had a purpose and he needed to get out of the way. He needed to stop trying to hold me back and let me go. Sometimes that can be a point of great pride and of great pain. You must understand, however, it has nothing to do with you. If God gives you a purpose, God will fulfill that purpose. Sometimes you must get over yourself and over your own personal feelings and understand it’s okay. Your husband has you. Let it happen and stop trying to hold back.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

My Pastor in San Diego, Dr. Matt Hubbard said, “Your wife is a reflection of your husband dream.” That hit me right between the eyes. I used to get frustrated that God set me on fire while I'm making progress in my faith. I didn't feel like my wife was on the same trajectory or had the same sense of urgency. I believed she believed like I believed, but I wasn’t sure if she was willing to go all in. Once I believe something, there’s no turning back. I have such powerful, undeniable moments with the Holy Spirit.

Regardless of where Laura was three years ago or where she is today, that's a reflection of me because I'm her leader. I can't make her believe I can believe, but I can light myself on fire so I burn everything up around me that is false. I'll let her see what God does to me and then I'll let her see how it affects other people around me. I'll show her how consistent this permanent change is. This is not a habit. I'm talking about letting the Holy Spirit change who you are. You should partner with Him so much that your decisions don’t make sense to you, but they work out in the end. It’s like proving to your wife you are submitted to God in every single area of your life.

Bob Shank created a leadership program that's been around for 30 years. He said, “You're going to live your life and one day you're going to stand before the King of Kings. He's going to ask you if you've received Jesus. There is going to be the Lamb's Book of Life. If you find your name in it, you're going to get a high-five and move to the next section. Then they're going to open the book of works and they're going to ask, ‘With all the time, with all the talent, with all the treasures you've had, what did you do with them?’”

Your marriage is a treasure God entrusted you with. This was a new revelation for me. The Scripture says they’re going to take all the people and all the things you achieved in your life and put them inside a room. A fire will start, and they will burn up. What we leave behind isn’t going to be our trophies or our money, it’s going to be about the impact we had with our time, talent, and treasures.

I want to remind every man that your marriage and wife will be in that room. What you didn’t use to the greatest of your abilities could be burned up. I do not want my marriage to be gone when the fire is gone, I want it to be standing in front of me because it was the second most important thing to me. Your priority should be God, and then your marriage. Husbands who are entrepreneurial should go home and ask their wives if they feel like their number-one client. I had a mentor who challenged me to do this. After asking the question, you must let her speak freely. You’ll notice in her body language how she feels. If she’s not your number-one client, she’ll get uneasy.

Maybe the wife will be bold enough like Suzanne to say, “I don't feel like I'm your number-one client.” Maybe your wife doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but she also doesn’t feel like number-one, so she’s too scared to tell you. That’s feedback for the husbands to take in. They should watch her body language when they ask that question. I’m not telling you to ask your wife this so she will feel badly about herself. Her answer should teach you something. It’s up to you whether you decide to take the feedback, learn from it, and create a marriage where your wife reflects how you act as a husband. The confidence she has, her anointment with God, and her vision are all reflections of you as a leader. If she doesn’t feel like your number-one client, make life adjustments from there.

CHRIS VESTER

What would you say your superpower as a couple is?

LAURA WEATHERFORD

Adaptability and perseverance.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

I don't know if this season we're supposed to know what our superpower is. When Laura comes alongside me and I have a chance to speak or she has a chance to speak, she has much more power and authority when I'm standing behind her. She’s able to be something different than what she’s able to be when I’m not around. Conversely, I’m very powerful when I speak, and God has used me in a supernatural way. When she is next to me it allows me to be a high-energy motivator and to communicate more effectively.

When we come together and sit alongside one another, the words we speak and the truth cut at a different level. I believe our superpower will be clearer to us a year from now. It will become clearer because my wife’s faith keeps rising inside of her at a supernatural level.

CHRIS VESTER

Steve recently asked Suzanne, what’s the difference between vulnerability and transparency? Suzanne said that transparency was the window and vulnerability was the window opening. I think Steve is transparent, and Laura helps him open the window. When she's on stage with you, your level of transparency becomes true vulnerability. It’s like she's there opening that window. That impacts people.

STEVE WEATHERFORD

I know when she's with me, I can't misspeak. I can feel her energy. When she’s with me I have permission to let everything out. If she’s with me, nothing can stop me. I have more peace when she’s with me, so I have more of everything else I want. Only God can bring you peace, so it’s the Jesus in her that comes with me and allows me to operate in God’s calling.

SUZANNE VESTER

What's the role of the queen in chess all the time?

LAURA WEATHERFORD

To protect the king.

SUZANNE VESTER

It's our job. We’re always besides, in front of, or in some way protecting, and keeping that gate safe.