Healthy Relationships - Welcome to the community of the Trinity by Mike Wood - HTML preview

Healthy Relationships - welcome to the community of the Trinity - Chapter 1,  “The Love Bridge”

An 80 year old woman bumped into an 80 year old man in their assisted living facility. She smiled and said, 'You look like my 5th husband.' Taken back the older guy replied, 'How many times have you been married?' She winked at him and said, 'Four.' We all have a desire to be engaged in relationships, but sometimes they don't last. Often, they're not as satisfying as we hoped they would be. Some people make them look easier than they really are. But as the Facebook profile relationship option admits, 'It's complicated.' Building healthy and satisfying relationships can be tricky.

This series of messages is all about successfully navigating the long and winding road to satisfying relational connections. The Bible, God's Word, lays out the path for us....and of course, it begins with the cross of Jesus!

Let's begin by asking the question, 'What is a 'healthy' relationship?' If I asked you that question, how would you respond? I asked my daughter (who was on the phone with my wife as I began this chapter) how she would define a 'healthy relationship' and she said that it would be a 'relationship based on trust, respect and love.' Smart kid! Good thing she listened to her mother growing up! I asked Joni the same question and she smiled and said, 'Just do what I tell you, honey!' I probably should have ended the message there....but I marched on!

According to Genesis 1 and 2 God created human beings and this thing we call a relationship, so I thought it would be wise to see if he offered any ideas on the subject. In Genesis 2 God made Adam, gave him a job (taking care of the garden of Eden) and let him name all the animals. But none of those creatures would make a suitable companion for the new guy and God didn't want Adam to be lonely....so, he put him into a deep sleep, extracted a rib from his side, and used it to make a woman (a human companion) for him. Adam gratefully received God's gift (vs.23) so, Eve satisfied his need for companionship. This tells us that a 'healthy relationship' is satisfying. The two became one flesh (vs.24). They were intimate. A 'healthy relationship' has an appropriate level of intimacy. They were both naked and they felt no shame (vs.25). Adam and Eve were comfortable with each other. A 'healthy relationship' is comfortable.

There are two more attributes of a 'healthy relationship', but we discover them in Genesis 3, so we need to read on.  Genesis 3:8 seems to indicate that God took a form (likely human) and walked with his children/new creatures on a regular basis. God created humans for relationship with him. He would eventually teach his kids to call him 'Father.' But Adam and Eve disobeyed God's one rule (not to eat the forbidden fruit - Genesis 2:16, 17) because the serpent (Satan) deceived them. They were made to leave the garden and were, thus, cut off from God's presence, that is, they became spiritually disconnected. So, we were created for relationship with God, first and foremost! Only when we are connected with him can all of our other relationships be healthy. When God approached them in Genesis 3:8 they hid from him and covered themselves up. They were afraid and ashamed because they were guilty of disobeying him. They felt unsafe. Using a bit of reverse logic that tells us that a 'healthy relationship' is one that is safe.

So, there we have it. A 'healthy relationship' is one that is satisfying, intimate, comfortable, safe and, most importantly, connected with/in/through God.

Let's return to Adam and Eve's 'broken connection' with God. We, often, experience 'dropped calls' using our cell phones. We hit a dead zone and the connection is lost. We may continue talking, but what we say isn't heard. So, the words can't produce any relational effect. During the Covid-19 pandemic churches have done a lot of congregating online. But that is only as effective as the internet connection allows it to be. In a similar way, the broken connection with God proved devastating for human relationships. If people don't have a genuine connection with God, they have to (relationally) 'make it up on their own' as they go along. In Genesis 4 Cain killed his brother Abel because of envy. One of Cain's descendants, Lamech, married two women instead of one. Then he fought with another man and killed him and bragged about his power. Humanity quickly descended into violence, dysfunction and relational dissatisfaction. Pretty much what we still see in the collapsing world around us!

So, how did God restore the broken connection? Well, where God had created one perfect world there were now two worlds, one perfect, the other deeply flawed. This fallen world of sin and rebellion and God's perfect realm (kingdom) of light and love. The problem being, that once of person is in the fallen world of sin (a sinner - Romans 3:23), there is no way for them to escape on their own, because only those who are perfect and sinless can live in God's realm of light and love. He/she is lost....dead in their sins! (Ephesians 2:1, 2)

Jesus entered this fallen realm of sin and rebellion to rescue God's lost. (Mark 10:45) He did for us what we couldn't do for ourselves. (John 14:6; Acts 4:12) Jesus lived the life of perfect obedience to God's law and will that we could not live. (John 6:46; Hebrews 4:15) Then, as the one perfect human being who ever lived, he gave his life in exchange for our lives. He died the death on the cross that we all deserved to die! (1 Peter 3:18; 2 Corinthians 5:21) So, that when we put our trust in Jesus (by believing in him - John 3:16, confessing our faith in him - Romans 10:9, 10, and repenting of our sins and being baptized in his name - Acts 2:38) to save us from God's wrath, all our sin is nailed to the cross of Jesus and his perfect righteousness becomes our garment. (Galatians 3:27) That's how God will see us in judgment. Innocent in Jesus! The cross of Christ is our 'love bridge!' Through it we are restored into right relationship with God (the spiritual connection we must have) and now able to build healthy, satisfying relationships with each other!

The practice of baptism shows us how that happens. Romans 6 teaches us that we are 'buried with Jesus in baptism and raised to a new life in him.' We were dead in this fallen world of rebellion. Baptism pictures us being buried with Jesus (put beneath the water) and raised up with him in God's realm of light and life! Transferred from one world to another. As Jesus told Nicodemus (John 3:3), 'born again!' Whenever you witness someone being baptized, be reminded of what God did for you by his 'love bridge....the cross of Jesus.'

One of my favorite scenes from the New Testament is the interaction (relationship) between Jesus and the thief on the cross. (Luke 23:32-43) Jesus was hung between two thieves to frame him as a criminal. One of the thieves joined in the mockery of God's Son. But, somehow, the other thief looked at Jesus (and the bizarre situation) and he saw a king! He rebuked his fellow crook, 'Don't you fear God?! This man has done nothing wrong.' (vs.40, 41) Then he appealed to the dying king, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.' Jesus answered him, 'Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.' (vs.43) He was restored in right relationship to his God. And before that day was out, he knew what Adam and Eve had lost.

Healthy Relationships - Welcome to the community of the Trinity - Chapter 2, “Relationships Restored”  I have had the honor of solemnizing over 150 weddings during my 35+ years in ministry. Some of those relationships turned out better than others. But, I will never forget one in particular! The prospective groom and bride looked like 'Ken and Barbie.' (if you are too young to relate to that analogy, ask an older couple you know and they'll explain it to you!) It seemed like a match made in heaven. He was handsome. She was beautiful. They both were well-educated. They both had great jobs. They answered all of my premarital counseling questions flawlessly. The wedding was an amazing celebration for their families. They paid well! It couldn't have been a more magical event if Disney had been involved. So, imagine my shock when 6 months later they were seated in my office, crying their eyes out, absolutely miserable, wondering how their marriage could last another day?! Marriage isn't as easy as some couples make it look. Healthy relationships require a great deal of hard work! They certainly can be, quite complicated. It takes a supernatural energy to fully experience the fullness of joy God desires for us to live in.

In chapter one we focused on how God made the way for us to cross back into the community of the Trinity (the presence of God - the only place where truly healthy and satisfying relationships can be developed and enjoyed) through the cross of Christ - God's 'love bridge.' In this chapter we focus on the resurrection of Jesus and the power of God to build the healthy, satisfying relationships we all crave. The resurrection of Jesus is, at its heart, all about hope and relational restoration. So, let's check out Luke 24:1-8.

"On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, 'Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' Then they remembered his words."

The three days between the death of Jesus and his resurrection found his disciples living in the heartache of a broken relationship. The women, who knew and loved and followed Jesus (Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Mary the mother of James - vs.10), went faithfully to carry out their errand of giving his body a second treatment in their embalming practice. I imagine their hearts were heavy at the thought of seeing the dead body of the one they longed to have back with them! According the John 20:19 the male disciples were in hiding. They still ached over their loss and feared what the future held for them.

We have been in that place of grief/pain, haven’t we? Someone we dearly loved died. Divorce crashed our marriage party as we never thought it would. Or we were abandoned by someone we never suspected would leave us. When my father was two years old his dad left him, his older brother (4) and their mother for another woman. That was during the years of the great depression. That must have been an agonizing and fearful experience. He never spoke to me about it. When I was about eleven his estranged father called him one night in an effort to reconcile. Dad refused. He wanted nothing to do with the man who had rejected his family years earlier. As a curious child I didn't get it. I wanted to meet the grandfather I had never known. But I think I understand better today. Sometimes severed relationships leave us broken, wounded and in pain.

It's at a time like that one wonders, 'Can love/hope live again?' It often doesn't feel like it. When the women went back and told the disciples what they had seen and what had been told them (about Jesus' resurrection) the disciples scoffed. (Luke 24:9-12) "But they did not believe the women because their words seemed to them like nonsense." (vs.11) Peter ran to check out the tomb and, indeed, found it empty. But he didn't know what to make of the scene. Even when Jesus appeared to them later (Luke 24:36-43) 'they were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost.' (vs.37) "....he showed them his hands and feet. And while they still did not believe it...." (vs.41) Have you ever been so afraid and discouraged that you wouldn't even believe what was right in front of your eyes?! Can you imagine God restoring feelings....or a relationship that you long ago gave up for dead?

Our only hope is to lean into the power of the resurrection. Do you believe God can raise the dead to life? The Bible clearly teaches that he raised Jesus back to life from the grave. Do you believe it? I hold to the Genesis 1:1 principle of Biblical interpretation. That verse tells us, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." There was nothing there and God spoke it all into existence. If he could do that, then there is nothing described in the rest of the Bible that is beyond belief! The one, true God holds the power of life and death. He gave previews throughout the Bible of what he would do following the crucifixion of Jesus. In 2 Kings 4:32-37 God enabled the prophet Elisha to raise the Shunammite's son back to life. In Luke 7:14, 15 Jesus raised the widow of Nain's son from his bier as he was being carried out for burial. In Luke 8:54-56 Jesus raised the young daughter of Jairus, a synagogue leader, from death. In John 11:43, 44 Jesus called the body of Lazarus from the grave after he had been dead four days! As the prophet Jeremiah prayed, "Ah, Sovereign LORD,....Nothing is too hard for you!" (Jeremiah 32:17) Do you believe God raised Jesus back to life?

The God who raises the dead can restore your relationship. The marriage that feels empty can be full of joy. Your broken parental heart can be mended. Your lost friendship can be found and brought to life. Your church can be a warm and intimate spiritual family. God can do all this and more (Ephesians 3:20, 21!) if we'll let him.

The couple I described at the beginning of this chapter wept and ached. But then they reaffirmed their marriage vows. They committed to counseling. They did the hard work of building a healthy and satisfying relationship. They leaned into the power of the resurrection of Jesus. And today they are happy together. They walk faithfully with the God who didn't give up on them. They have a beautiful family. Daily they see their relationship restored and developed. Why don't you join them?!

Healthy Relationships - Welcome to the community of the Trinity - Chapter 3, "God's benchmarks for healthy relationships" The IHME (Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation) became well-known for its predictions about the spread of Covid-19. The modelers with the University of Washington School of Medicine tracked and forecast how many new cases of Covid-19 we could expect, how many of the sick would be hospitalized, and how many patients would end up on ventilators and/or in ICU beds. The Presidential Task Force used those projections to evaluate how our nation was doing in its battle with this pandemic.

Benchmarks for tracking progress are very beneficial. As we consider how to develop healthy and satisfying relationships, wouldn't it be helpful to be able to track how we are progressing in our various relationships? Perhaps to have a spiritual task force give us some regular feedback concerning God's assessment of our relational development? Well, it turns out that the Bible does, in fact, offer followers of Jesus some benchmarks for measuring our relationship development progress. In this chapter we focus on those helpful, spiritual metrics.

But let's begin by thinking about the typical process for developing relationships in this world. In Matthew 5:46, 47 Jesus said to his disciples, "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" That is, it is 'normal' in this world to treat other people the way they treat you. If someone is nice to you typically you are nice to them. If someone is respectful toward you, you also show them respect. But, if someone is rude to you, you tend to reflect a similar attitude toward them. If someone ignores you, you blow them off too! In this world it is fairly common to live what you learn and give what you get in relationships. Though there are those people who are just rude and nasty to everyone! Seems like a lot of them live in New York! :)

Jesus called his followers to rise above 'the typical' in their relationships. He said, 'Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.' (Luke 6:27, 28) Why is that so hard? Why is it so challenging to escape the 'grip' of typical relationship building?

I think I get it. Looking back on my own experience I feel the struggle deeply. I was raised in a dysfunctional family. I was loved and provided for as best my parents could. But no family is perfect, just as no person is perfect. In our home there was isolation, manipulation, and deception. So, I grew up as a relational hermit, skilled at manipulating others and generally hiding from others. Obviously, none of those are healthy relational traits. God brought healthier people into my life. He showed me better ways. Jesus saved me from my sin and failure. God led me into ministry where I encountered his Word and Spirit as a way of life/work. I have read through the Bible more times than most you ever will! I have memorized more verses of Scripture than I ever thought possible! I have prayed more prayers and led more worship services and counseled more hurting people than I can remember. I have leaned in hard to the resurrection power of Jesus (that we focused on in the last chapter). And by God's amazing grace my relationships (with Joni and my kids and my sister and my friends and my church family, etc.) are so much healthier and more satisfying. But even after 40 years of intensive divine therapy, healthy relationships are hard for me. Which is why, parents and grandparents, Paul's instruction in Ephesians 6:4 - 'to bring children up in the training and instruction of the Lord' - is so vital for our kids. It is difficult to escape the grip of the typical (what we learn early on in this life) in relationships!

So, how are you progressing in building healthy, satisfying relationships? Jesus gives us relational benchmarks that are beyond us. I think for two reasons: 1) the higher we aim the farther we'll progress, and 2) so we'll trust him and lean into his grace for help. The first of his relational benchmarks is the Golden Rule...'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' (Matthew 7:12) That is, don't treat others the way they treat you (that's typical!), treat them the way you want them to treat you. We know that rule. But how many of us live by it....really?! It is so hard! We commonly treat others in line with how they act toward us....typical! So, if you find yourself turning heads in relationships by treating other people the way you want to be treated....you know you are really making progress toward relational health!

But Jesus didn't stop there. He added what has been referred to as the platinum rule. John 13:34, 35, 'A new command I give you. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you are to love one another. By this

all people will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.' Wow! Don't stop with treating each other as you want to be treated. Treat each other as Jesus treated you. Jesus loved and served and died for a world that rejected him. (Mark 10:45) When we get to the place where we are sacrificing ourselves for and serving others as Jesus laid down his life for us (and the best place to practice that kind of love is in your family and your church!), we know we have reached the highest level of healthy and satisfying relationships! That's how relationships are enjoyed in the community of the Trinity.

I remember seeing a FB post about a sheep in New Zealand from back in the early 2000's. The sheep's name was Shrek. It had been in hiding for 6 years, presumably because it didn't like the feeling of being shorn. Shrek hardly resembled a sheep. And, though he couldn't comment on his feelings, he couldn't have been very comfortable. His owner shaved 60 pounds of wool from his body. That's enough for 20 wool coats. When Shrek finally gave up his wool, he made a number of people warmer and more attractive.... and I'm guessing he felt better too! We aren't meant to live for ourselves and our own pleasure. We are meant to live in relationship. We were made to enjoy and assist each other in life by developing healthy and satisfying relationships.

The Divine Reconciliation Task Force (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) has given us relationship benchmarks in the Bible, and the perfect example in the life of Jesus for how to develop the kind of relationships which make life worth living. When you find yourself treating other people the way you want to be treated, more than that, the way Jesus treated you....you know you're on the right track! So, as Jesus told his disciples, 'Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.' (John 13:17) And your relationships will show it! In the chapters to come we will focus on the specific relationship traits that will enable us to develop truly healthy and satisfying relationships.

Healthy Relationships – Welcome to the community of the Trinity - Chapter 4, “The Key Ingredient – Humility”  Philippians 2:5-8, “In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had: ‘Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing, by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!”

When I was a teenager I was invited to a party and asked to bring a snack to share. My mom had just made some cocktail wieners in a delicious (tasted like barbeque) sauce, so I asked if she would make that for me to take to the party. She was glad to comply. I went off to do some homework. When I returned to the kitchen mom had the wieners and crockpot out along with a jar of grape jelly and a bottle of mustard. I asked what the condiments were for. She said, “They’re for the sauce.” I was stunned! I could not have imagined that the combination of grape jelly and mustard could produce the delicious sauce I was so excited about.

Do you have a favorite recipe? Is there a key ingredient in it, that most people wouldn’t guess? You may enjoy blowing their minds by telling them….or probably you just prefer to keep it as your secret! As we focus on how to develop healthy and satisfying relationships, we begin with a key ingredient…. the secret ingredient that most of us probably wouldn’t guess. If you want to build relationships that will fill your life with joy and meaning, the trait to start with is humility. Nothing will transform your relationships like a massive dose of the spiritual trait – humility.

So, let’s start by examining the greatest expression of humility ever lived out. Paul described it for us in his letter to the Philippian church. It was expressed, of course, by Jesus. Jesus is God the Son (John 1:1-3; 3:16; 8:58; 10:30; 14:9), co-equal and co-eternal with the Father. As the earth was immersed in rebellion and humanity languished in sin, Jesus was worshiped and adored by the angels in heaven! He was served and honored in comfort and glory and joy as he fully deserved to be. Then, in keeping with God’s perfect plan Jesus left all of that behind. He left the beauty and wonder and glory and joy and comfort and worship of heaven to enter this dusty ball of rebellion as a human being. (John 1:14) Paul wrote, “he made himself nothing, by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” (vs.7) If you or I left the comfort and prosperity of our American surroundings and went to an under-resourced, developing nation to live in poverty and squalor--it wouldn’t even be close to the change in circumstances chosen by the all-glorious Son of God in coming to earth. And, as if coming to a situation like that were not enough, Paul added, “he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross.” (vs.8) No being has ever sacrificed more in humility and love than Jesus did to save us from God’s wrath. His sacrificial death on the cross which made the way for us to be reconciled to God is literally the epitome of humility!

It is quite intimidating, but Paul challenged the followers of Jesus to imitate his humility. “In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind that Christ Jesus had.” (vs.5) Do you wrestle with attitude issues? When I used to lead sessions of Christian camp years ago and the campers started to develop surly attitudes someone would yell out, ‘Attitude check!’ And all the campers responded, ‘Praise the Lord!’ Sometimes more enthusiastically than others! Do you find yourself needing an attitude check on occasion? I know I do. A good (positive) attitude is so important in life. Typically, the highest achievers and happiest people in this life have the best attitudes!

And, so, it stands to reason that a good attitude is a key to developing healthy and satisfying relationships. I recently read a book about the life and career of Johnny Carson. I always admired Johnny Carson as an entertainment personality. The Tonight Show was one of my favorite shows to watch. But, reading this

book, written by his long-time friend and attorney Henry Bushkin, I discovered that Johnny Carson was not a nice person! He treated people terribly. He was a surly and demanding man. Not surprisingly he was

divorced 4 times and had poor relationships with his children. He was professionally successful, but relationally he was a disaster! At the heart of his relational struggles was a prideful, negative attitude.

Of course, Jesus exemplified, and Paul challenged Jesus-followers, not just to have a ‘good/positive’ attitude in our relationships….but to start with the best attitude of all….an attitude of humility. So, let’s think about what an attitude of humility looks like in our daily interactions with others and how it puts our relationships over the top in terms of health and satisfaction.

In leading up to his description of the humility of Jesus, Paul wrote to the Philippian Christians, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3, 4) So, humility involves placing greater value on the feelings/interests of the people around you instead of primarily focusing on yourself. I like to say, “Others first, God foremost.” That is, the most important being for us to please, honor, and value is God. First, we please him in all we do (Matthew 6:33), then we please, honor, and value others ahead of ourselves.

That is not the way life begins, right?! As babies and young children, we are, first and foremost, focused on self! We don’t really care about the inconvenience we cause for our parents or about sharing with our brothers and sisters or friends, we want/need  what we want/need when we need it! And we cry and wail if we don’t get it! But with the instruction and training and love of our parents, we learn to recognize and value the needs and interests of others. We learn not to live self-centered lives but lives that value and help other people. That takes a while. It certainly doesn’t happen overnight!

Jesus, through saving us from God’s wrath and forgiving our sins, and through the guidance and training of the Holy Spirit Jesus imparts to us, wants to take our humility and concern for others to another level. Through friendship, marriage, parenting, service in the church, and witnessing Jesus teaches and trains us to put ‘others first and God foremost.’ We learn to experience more joy and satisfaction in valuing and pleasing our friends, spouse, children, brothers and sisters in Christ….and even, those who are lost and far away from God, than we do in seeking our own pleasure, honor and satisfaction. In Romans 12 Paul wrote, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (vs.10) Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (vs.15) Do not be proud, but, be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not think you are superior. (vs.16) If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (vs.18) If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. (vs.20/Proverbs 25:21) That’s hard. But that kind of Christ-like humility will make your relationships the envy of everyone who sees and experiences them! Humility, like Jesus showed for us, is the key ingredient in the recipe for healthy and satisfying relationships.

When I attended Cincinnati Bible College and Seminary in the late 1970’s Skyline Chili was the preferred hangout for the student body. So, I went there. I wasn’t super impressed at first, but it grew on me over time. There is a secret ingredient in Skyline chili. Do you know what it is? Cinnamon. Cinnamon!! Who would have ever thought to put cinnamon in a chili recipe?! But it definitely creates a unique flavor. Humility is the key ingredient in great relationships. It gives them a ‘unique flavor.’ So, follow in the steps of Jesus. Build your relationships on Biblical truth. “In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had.” Humility.

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