How to Deal with Anger by Aubrey Des-bordes Mends - HTML preview

 

 

 

HOW TO

DEAL

WITH ANGER.

EQUIPING YOURSELF TO DEAL WITH ANGER FOR A HEALTHIER

RELATIONSHIP.

 

 

 

 

 

 

AUBREY DES-BORDES MENDS

 

 

 

 

 

OXFORD PUBLICATIONS

 

 

Unless otherwise stated, all scripture quotations are taken from the NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION of the Bible.

 

Excerpts from:

Breaking Curses, Experiencing Healing, by Tom Brown, Published by Whitaker House.

MyMindField.com and Wikipedia.org.

Seneca, a Roman philosopher-educator (4-65 A.D.), From his Book "Of Anger".

 

For Seminars, Talk Shows and Interviews contact the Author.

Email: howtodealwithanger2015@gmail.com

Face book: www.facebook.com/aubreymends

Twitter: www.twitter.com/aubrey mends

Website: www.howtodealwithanger2015.simplesite.com

 

First published April, 2015

ISBN 978-0-620-65137-0

Printed and bound by Oxford Publications

Copyright @ 2015 Aubrey des-Bordes Mends

 

 

 

All rights reserved under international copyright law. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

 

 

 

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to the founders of KINGDOM FIRST MINISTRY INTERNATIONAL, also known as OXFORD INTERNATIONAL WORSHIP MINISTRY in Harding, Kwazulu Natal, South Africa, Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Agyeman-Duah for their encouragement and support to my ministry. I say God Bless you.

This book is also dedicated to my one and only beloved wife, Comfort who stood by me in putting this piece together. I say you are one in a million.

Last but not the least thanks to Mr. Yaw Opoku, for helping me write and also for your advice and corrections here and there. May God richly bless you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TABLE OF CONTENTS

FORWARD

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1

THE CANKERWORM

CHAPTER 2

IN THE IMAGE OF GOD

CHAPTER 3

THE WARNING SIGNALS

CHAPTER 4

GUARDING YOURSELF AGAINST EXPLOSIVE SIN

CHAPTER 5

THE FEELING INSIDE

CHAPTER 6

WHAT TO DO

CHAPTER 7

SELF ASSESSMENT

CHAPTER 8

HOW TO MANAGE ANGER

CHAPTER 9

OVER TO YOU NOW

CHAPTER 10

CONCLUSION

FORWARD

In this hour of all-but-universal darkness, one of the things that is endangering our lives and breaking homes is the spirit of anger. Many are eager for spiritual realities and will not be put off with words, nor will they be content with correct “interpretations” of truth. The thirst for God is almost dying out, and men will not be satisfied till they have drunk deep of the Fountain of Living Water.

The spirit of anger is fueling the vehicle of man’s ego leading us to the destination of destruction in our day to day activities. It also has transcended into the room of power and has caused many homeless due to war both locally and internationally.

The time has come where the root of anger must be dealt with so that the peace we need inwardly and outwardly can be realized. By familiarizing ourselves with knowledge from this script I believe the Holy Spirit will enlighten us with the keys to fathom the mystery behind this enemy called ANGER.

 

PROPHET RICHARD KWABENA MARFO

(PERFECT TIME MINISTRY INTERNATIONAL)

KUMASI, GHANA-WEST AFRICA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INTRODUCTION

Every human being one way or the other gets angry. We all have times when we become angry. Sometimes people make us angry, and other times things also make us angry. We all get angry when things do not go the way we expect them to go. We get angry when people talk about us in a negative manner.

There are people who have what I call personality disorder. One of the manifestations of this disorder was that any small problem would trigger an angry outburst. People blow up at almost anything. People are always afraid to be around people with this disorder.

Anger has devastated marriages, separate children and parents, and poison relationships. That is why the Apostle Paul encouraged believers to deal with anger quickly—before it could take a toll on their lives.

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

(Eph. 4:26-27).

In any way that anger comes to us, Anger is a monster within us that does terrible things. A person with extreme anger does terrible things that they regret later.

The multimillion question is “how do we handle our anger?”

I do believe that anger is wrecking so many homes, churches and ministries, businesses, that all of us would want to know how we can be able to deal with this terrible monster called anger.

I trust God that by the end of reading this book, you will know how to come out of anger.

Last year a driver in Philadelphia shot another driver on the highway. There was a construction blockage on the road, narrowing traffic down to only one lane, creating long backups as cars from each direction took turns getting past the blockage. Well, this driver patiently waited his turn. But just as he was about to get past the blockage, a car came up fast on the shoulder, passing all the waiting cars, and crowded just in front of him. Then after doing that, the driver turned around with a smirk on his face and made an obscene gesture. Well, that infuriated the first driver. So when traffic was stopped at the next construction bottleneck, he got out of his car, took out his gun & shot the man to death.

That happened in Philadelphia you would say, but Stories like this happens all over the World.

Now, of course, we would not do anything like that, you will say.

But have you ever lost your temper?

Do you ever do things you wish you had not done, or say things you wish you had never said?

Well, the Bible has something to say about overcoming anger.

Proverbs 19:11 says,

"A man’s wisdom gives him patience. It is to his glory to overlook an offence."

Now this is the secret.

If someone offends you and if you are a man of wisdom, then you overlook it, and not allow the situation to become a major event that will overwhelm you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ONE

THE CANKERWORM

Anger is an intense emotional response. Often it indicates when ones basic boundaries are violated.

Anger is a strong feeling of intense displeasure, hostility, or indignation results from a real or imagined threat, insult, frustration, or injustice toward yourself or others important to you.

The external expression of anger can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and at times in public acts of. Animals, for example, make loud sounds, attempt to look physically larger, bare their teeth, and stare. The behaviors associated with anger are designed to warn aggressors to stop their threatening behavior.

THE CATEGORIES OF ANGER.

There are three categories of anger.

•      RAGE: an explosive, uncontrolled expression of anger.

•      RESENTMENT: unexpressed anger. When people try to deny their hurts and frustrations, resentment is the result. This type of anger destroys from the inside out.

•      INDIGNATION: righteous anger about injustice, oppression, or an unholy situation. God’s anger falls into this category.

CAUSES OF ANGER.

•      NOT GETTING OUR WAY:

Some people grow angry when they lose control of a Situation.

•      FEELING REJECTED:

Being excluded, overlooked, or mistreated can stir up hostility.

•      LOSS:

Losing what we cherish, or simply fearing that loss, can make us angry.

•      DISAPPOINTMENT:

Unmet expectations can lead to anger.

•      INJUSTICE:

When we see people mistreated, we can become indignant on their behalf.

•      FEELING INADEQUATE:

Comparing our life to the lives of others may upset us.

TWO WAYS OF SHOWING ANGER.

Basically there are two typical ways we show our anger. Anger can be EXPRESSED, or REPRESSED.

While we have been created in the image of God with the capacity to use our anger to right wrongs and overcome evil, sin has distorted that image within us. Sin keeps us from having a healthy response to our anger. Our anger becomes misdirected and misused because all too often our anger only leads to sin.

PSYCHOLOGISTS LABEL

Psychologists label anger in four ways.

1. Maniac, this is the person who just let their anger explode. Anger is expressed with no thought of the consequences. This person just blows up and can pick up the pieces later.
2. Mute this person represses their anger deeply. Instead of exploding they implode holding anger inside. Instead of expressing healthy anger, the mute bottle anger inside and pretends as if nothing is wrong. This person is determined never to “get angry.” This person never talks about the wrong done him or her.
3. Martyr, this is the person who is always throwing a pity party. The martyr represses their anger until it is finally expressed as, depression. So many depressed patients we come across are so due to anger bottled in them.
4. Manipulator, this person is the exploiter. The Manipulator is an expert at making other people feel guilty. Their motto is simply, “I don’t get mad, I just get even.” “I will get at him/her one day. I will pay him in his or her own coin.”

PASSIVE ANGER AGGRESSIVE ANGER:

These two types of anger have some characteristic symptoms.

Passive and Aggressive anger can be expressed in the following ways:

Dispassion, such as giving someone the cold shoulder a fake smile, looking unconcerned or "sitting on the fence" while others sort things out, dampening feelings with substance abuse, overreacting, oversleeping, not responding to another's anger, frigidity, indulging in sexual practices that depress spontaneity and make objects of participants, giving inordinate amounts of time to machines, objects or intellectual pursuits, talking of frustrations but showing no feeling.

Evasiveness, such as turning one's back in a crisis, avoiding conflict, not arguing back, becoming phobic.

Defeatism, such asserting yourself and others up for failure, choosing unreliable people to depend on, being prone, impotence, expressing frustration at insignificant things but ignoring serious ones.

Obsessive behavior, such as needing to be inordinately clean and tidy, making a habit of constantly checking things, over-dieting or overeating, demanding that all jobs be done perfectly.

Psychological manipulation, such as provoking people to aggression and then patronizing them, provoking aggression but staying on the sidelines, emotional blackmail, false tearfulness, feigning illness, sabotaging relationships, using sexual provocation, using a third party to convey negative feelings, withholding money or resources.

Secretive behavior, such as stockpiling resentments that are expressed behind people's backs, giving the silent treatment under the breath mutterings, avoiding eye contact, putting people down,, anonymous complaints, pen letters, stealing, and conning.

Self-blame, such as apologizing too often, being overly critical, inviting criticism.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO

IN THE IMAGE OF GOD

Unlike most other mental issues, anger is not always bad or harmful. God understands our inborn capacity for anger. As beings created in God’s image, we tend to exhibit God’s personality. If God gets angry from time to time, then it is not always wrong for us to experience anger. The Old Testament books of wisdom provide some of the best verses on this subject.

Proverbs 16:32 (AMP),

“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.”

Those who are slow to become angry may still feel upset, but they control their emotions rather than letting anger turn to rage.

The Word of God also cautions us against associating with those whose lives are characterized by anger.

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one who is easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.

Proverbs. 22:24-25.

Anger plays an important role in many well-known Bible stories. The first person to become angry in the bible was Cain, and the Moses, Saul, Jonah, and Peter are just a few others who were motivated by anger.

GOOD ANGER VERSES BAD ANGER

Good anger leads us to readiness. Readiness leads us in a good direction. Jesus’ good anger made Him ready to take on greed in the temple. Good anger sounds like “Ready, aim, fire!”

Bad anger, however, leads us in a direction in which things go from bad to worse. Bad anger sounds more like “Anger, rage, fury!’ this kind of anger does not lead anywhere productive because it is self-absorbed.

Instead of making us physically ready, it ruins our readiness by causing us to lose control of our actions.

•      The Lord became angry with the Israelites for marrying foreign women. He knew that their wives would introduce the worship of pagan gods.

•      Jesus angrily rebuked the Pharisees for their hypocrisy and unmerciful interpretations of God’s laws.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to. Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are.

Matthew. 23:13-15

Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath. Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Stand up in front of everyone.” Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” but they remained silent. He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.

Mark 3:2-5.

•      His indignation at their misuse of the temple led Him to turn over their tables and chase them from His Father’s house.

“It is written,” he said to them, “my house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.” The blind and the lame came to Him at the temple, and He healed them.

Matthew. 21:13-14.

You and I can have righteous anger we become upset over the mistreatment of others or when we feel compelled to rectify an unholy situation. But most of our anger is wrongly motivated by self-interest.

Anger is a normal God-given emotion! God created us in His image and after His likeness, and one of the things he gave us was His nature. The God’s nature in us gives us the tendencies of getting angry.

The emotional response of anger is NOT a sin because God gets angry. God is not void of emotion. The difference is found in how God and man respond to the emotion of anger.

“For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime”

Psalm 30:5a

David in this prayer of thanksgiving indicated that the anger of God last for a short while. This shows that as we are created in the image of God and the Apostle Paul said we should imitate him, it therefore means that we should let our anger last only for a short while.

“But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”

Psalm 86:15

The writer of this psalm unfolded the character of God. The psalm tells us about the patience of God.

Jesus became angry, YET HE DID NOT SIN! We most often think of Jesus being angry when He cleansed the temple, but that is not the only time Jesus was ever angry.

In Mark 3 Jesus is at the temple on the Sabbath;

the Pharisees and religious leaders were watching to see if Jesus would perform a miracle on the Sabbath. A man with a shriveled hand was there. Jesus asked them, “What is legal on the Sabbath, to do good or evil, to save life or kill?” They refused to answer him. “He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, "Stretch out your hand."He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.”

Mark 3:1-5

In this verse we have just exposed, we have a marvelous example of tact, decision and self-control in action. The anger Jesus was feeling is what I called a righteous or holy anger. This is the anger one experiences as a result of injustice against others or against God.

A LESSON FROM JESUS.

Most of the great lessons learnt from Jesus include:

•      The man’s case was so piteous. He had a withered hand, by which he was unable to work for his living.

•      The Pharisees were very unkind, both to the man and to Jesus. Instead of interceding for a poor neighbour, they did everything possible to hinder the man from being restored.

•      Jesus dealt very fairly with the religious leaders. He dealt       with them first, possibly to prevent the offense.

•      Jesus looked round about them with anger, but not in bitter personal resentment. The sin He had an eye on was, the hardness of their hearts.

Freedom from anger is found when we learn to control our anger expressing it in healthy and constructive ways like Jesus.

MAN’S ANGER VERSUS GOD’S ANGER

James called bad anger “man’s anger.”

“For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”

James 1:20

This was significant because he was differentiating between man’s anger and God’s anger. The difference between the two is the speed. The previous verse outlines it all.

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”

James 1:19

•      MAN’S ANGER IS QUICK; GOD’S ANGER IS SLOW.

      GOD’S ANGER IS A SLOW-BURNING ANGER.

“But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”

Psalm 86:15

God gets angry but the bible tells us He is “slow to anger.” We should learn to avoid quick reactions when we feel anger. Think first before you act. Thomas Jefferson loved to say, “Count to ten when you are angry.”

The issue is not anger but the sin that anger can produce. But honest about your feelings and why you are angry. There are not many sins that actually make us look ugly, but anger is one that does. No one is pretty or handsome when he or she is angry.

•      MAN’S ANGER IS LONG; GOD’S ANGER IS SHORT.

Man’s anger is different to God’s in terms of duration.

Psalm 30:5 tells us

“For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favour lasts a lifetime.”

In the bible, whenever God was angry and showed it through His discipline, it was intended only to bring “His favor” back into a person’s life. It is alright to be angry at people, but you must express your anger only in a way that brings reconciliation. If you remain angry, you are not being Christ like.

It is normal to feel hurt when someone wrongs you, but you must act to address your wounds before infection sets in.

•      MAN’S ANGER IS DESTRUCTIVE; GOD’S ANGER IS CONSTRUCTIVE.

In a case, a 3 year old boy found his father’s hammer and, without knowing better, began to bang the father’s new car with the hammer. The father heard the noise and came out of the house to see what his child had done. He was so angry that he grabbed the same hammer began to hit his son’s hands with it, crushing the boy’s fingers. Realizing what he had done, the father quickly rushed his son to the hospital. Sadly, the doctors could not save the boy’s fingers. With tears in his eyes, the father went to his son and said, “I am so sorry.” The little boy said, “Its okay, Daddy.” Then the boy smiled and looked at his father in the eyes and asked, “Daddy, when will my fingers grow back?”

Man’s anger destroys; God’s anger restores. Man’s anger will never bring about the righteous life God desires. The person who cannot feel anger at evil is a person who lacks enthusiasm for good. Your anger must be expressed towards evil not towards good. To not express anger is to not be human.

There is an organization that was founded by a mother whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver called MADD (mothers Against Drunk Driving). This woman did not want others to go through what she went through, so, instead of languishing in anger against the one who took her daughter’s life, she channeled her anger and founded this organization that lobbies lawmakers for tougher laws against those who drink and drive. I believe so many lives have been saved by her angry energy.

In making the connection we realize that as we are made in the image of God we should learn to handle our anger just like God. Paul tells the Ephesians’ church how to manage their anger.

Ephesians 4:26, 5:1, 2

4:26 - “In your anger do not sin: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

5:1 - “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children

5:2 - “And walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

In light of everything we just said about anger and how to effectively control your anger do these things. Be an imitator of God. Live a life of love just like Jesus.

Jesus was angry and never sinned. The only way we will not sin when we are angry is to learn that anger is a: Necessary Warning Signal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE

THE WARNING SIGNAL

Just as at the traffic lights (Robots as called in South Africa); we have the Amber sign that means that get ready to stop or to go.

In the same way, Anger is not a sin, but it warns us that sin is not far away.

Anger acts as a warning light telling us that we are getting close to sin.

"In your anger do not sin.”

It is what you do with your anger that determines whether you have sinned or not.

This part of the scripture was borrowed from the Old Testament and shaped to the use of the New Testament.

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.”

Psalm 4:4(NLT)

This scripture means if you have a just occasion to be angry at any time, see that it is without sin, and therefore be careful of excesses in your anger.

As the day’s heat cools and its strain is relaxed, the fires of anger should die down.

There was an ancient rule of the Pythagoreans, if at any time one happens to be provoked by anger, before the sun set they would take each other’s hands and embracing make up their quarrel.

I strongly believe this should be the practice of the end time believers and the end time church.

There is no surer way of tempting the devil to tempt us than to brood over the wrongs done us.

The devil gains over us a double advantage, by the wicked provocation and by the uncontrolled resentment it excites.

The passion which outlives the day, on which an angry man wakes with in the morning, becomes a settled rancor, prompting ill thoughts and deeds.

CLASSIFICATION OF ANGER

•      There is sudden anger. And it must be controlled.

Proverbs 14:17 says,

"A quick-tempered man does foolish things."

We already know that, because we have experienced that in our own lives more often than not. We may blame our quick temper on a lot of things, mostly on our heritage. We may even be proud of it. We may sometimes say, I inherited it from my grandparents. It is in our family.

But the bot