My God Comes to You by Jay M. Horne - HTML preview

Standing there at the urinal beside my dad in Loves travel center and hearing his urine stream hit the back of the porcelain 10 seconds before mine reminds me of how bad my prostate is from the abuse. He probably thinks I am waiting to have a second of privacy to take some more drugs. Anyway, I am back in the car and have dried my eyes. I feel so empty. Imean, what am I to do, tell my parents, “Hey guys, God just told me that Sarah Damons father abused or molested her, let me call the police?”

You dont believe me?
I dont know what to believe God. I just know I cant take this!
Stop thinking. You can check news articles when you get home to see if its real.

For now, finish your story about Sarah.
Okay.
So she races back into my arms and stares me in the eyes. I knew this was it, I

finally found the one. We both knew it. We kissed. My first kiss. She was as sweet as wine and roses. Our mouths opened so naturally, not too long or short, but just perfect. As we pulled apart our fingertips lingered in between us. I could see the light between us, connecting me to her through our fingers. Her smile, her hair, and then out the door to him.

If I would only have known then! I would.. Youd what? Kill him? Tear his throat out?

Yes! I would! That bastard! Molesting my Sarah! He took her from me! He ruined my life! You both did! I am a mental case! This happened to the guy in the book, “The Shack”. They took his Missy, but it was his daughter. This was my love.

And like he did, you must also forgive Sarahs dad.
Oh my God, it is SO hard! I know he is one of your children too and you want him to find his way home after the healing as well. In so knowing this, I can forgive. But that should never happen to anyone ever! Ever! Ever again!
And we are taking steps in this direction Jay, but you must finish!
Okay.
There I was alone as those unforgettable headlights pulled away. Standing in the middle of the dance floor as the other kids filled out like good little boys and girls. At the time I was in pure ecstasy. I was so deep in love. My mom came and picked me up shortly afterward and I didnt mutter a word of the event. I had nothing less on my mind but her. I couldnt wait to see her in school after the weekend. The weekend passed, but my love remained constant. I may have spoken to her briefly on the phone the next day but she was never allowed on the phone too long. It was like she had to sneak off with the phone each time she called. I can see that now but could not understand it then. Her hushed tones while we spoke, and her grief, oh her grief. I cant hardly bare to look back into my memory. I remember her telling me she hated her father, and she wished she could move to Indiana with her real dad and change her name to Sarah Cole. Why did I not see it then? Oh why?
You know why.
My imagination. I lied to myself all the time. I would tell myself I had a play tiger or a bird. Or I would call my friends on the phone and say I was riding a lion, or I had turned into a half cat and scratched up my door. Lies! Lies!
You were a kid. Stop blaming yourself.
I thought that maybe she was just being dramatic to make me like her more or something. But she never needed to be anything other than what she was, I loved her so.
Its okay, I know this is hard for you but please continue.
Monday came with school and my love. But my love would never show up. Day after day I would come to school, and day after day she would not show. Three days passed. I asked my ex girlfriend April Brant if she had heard from Sarah Damon (her best friend) but she only told me, “Jay, she told me she was moving to Indiana to be with her real dad.” I was devastated. I thought to myself, “How could she do this?!” I waited for weeks, expecting a call, a sign, something. But it never came. I turned inward. I would never leave my heart exposed again! I practiced and practiced. I would be a ninja, and no one was going to stop me. I had to believe that anything was possible. I had to keep my mind occupied. I cried, cuddled tight with my stuffed animals night after night.
I remember when the alligator came up out of the lake weeks later and ate all of the kittens from behind our house. One kitten in particular that I was especially fond of, Ninjette. My sister cried every time she would hear the birds chirp from across the lake, claiming it was Ninjette on the other side wanting us to come and rescue her. I cried especially hard that night in bed against the wall, curled into a ball, feeling not only the pain of losing yet another friend (even though it was a kitten), but also feeling Jillians pain in her first loss. It only reminded me of losing Sarah. I was stronger, I had already lost my love, I held back tears for Jillian to be the strong one during the day, but cried it out that night with her from my own room. The next day I was on the trampoline doing spin kicks with my usual, “HI Yahhhh!” sound each time. Jillian came up to the edge as I was kicking and I asked her what my spirit shout sounded like to her. She said, “SA Rahhh!” and I knew she was right but shook it off. The rest is history.
I am sorry for your loss Jay. I really love Sarah.
I know. I have been back here crying for an hour. I thought I knew everything. I didnt. I had no idea about loss. Now I do. I can see now why there must be more than one of you God. We must be millions of individual people because no one man (or God) could bear the weight of more than so many of these losses.
You are right. To know what you do not wish to be, you must first conceive of it and there is no other way than to experience it. It is the only way. I have distributed the guilt, the sadness, the joy, the pain…
The weight…
Indeed my son, the weight, as fairly and as evenly as a God could possibly do it. Ask any mother if she favors one child above another and you will find this to be true.

12.
CLOSING THE CIRCLE

After dabbling in every job known to man, and even trying my hand in the Navy Seals, I find myself back at my folks house and writing about my experiences. Upon the arrival of this manuscripts draft, my mom comes to me with excitement. In her hands is a stack of short stories I had written when I was just a child. I couldnt even remember that I had written them! She tells me that she has kept them safe over all of these years because of the amazing way I made the reader feel like they were inside the book. Sarcastically, I tell my mom, “You dont think you could have told me about this years ago, and saved me heart ache and pain while trying to find a career that I actually enjoy?!” She smirks at me.

That was the beginning of my writing career really taking off. I turned those short stories into different volumes of Published Youth and kept busy with new works. As my inspiration began to dwindle, I thought back to the first night God had sent me inspiration to write, and decided it was time to get a part-time job. There never was anything better than going in circles, so I got my job back at Waffle House! After only a few weeks of working at the Awful Waffle I had heard multiple stories of customers and their tragedies.

I try my best to be a nice guy.
Everyone seems to get a kick out of my unfortunate predicaments. It seems I am always making someone crack a smile when I tell them my stories. I just have that effect on people. Then again, I also seem to piss everyone off that I meet as well. It may not be

my fault, it may not be right now, but eventually, Ill piss ya off. Im not sure exactly why it is this happens. I reckon it has something to do with people not being happy
unless everyone around them has a life just as miserable as their own. I bet you know exactly what Im talking about here. Ya ever watched someone get angry with you because you were happy allthe time? Yep. Its like the same thought runs through everyones head once in a while. It goes something like: “I am happy your happy, but if you were in my shoes you would be the most unappreciated son-of-abitch on the planet. “
From this point of view you can see how being a nice guy may end up landing
you in last place, or at minimum, the target of every miserable soul around you. But there is one thing that is great about being „last. And thats having the last Laugh! A customer once told me of how his girlfriend of 25 years had him locked up by falsely accusing him of abuse and while he was busy trying to get out on bond she liquidated his accounts and stole all of his belongings. He also told me how he ended up having the last laugh. This made me question my dedication to faith and right-doing. It had been some time since my last conversation with Karma and I thought it wouldnt be long until someone mistook my kindness for weakness in a place like this. I wouldnt be disappointed.
Working at Waffle House always provided me with a ton of laughs, but the
schedule that the manager had me pulling was atrocious. Four days on ten hour shifts,
and then three days off. Lots of times back to back shifts and an extra day off. Never
any over time. This did though leave me the freedom to help a fellow employee one week in her time of need.
Davin was a fellow cook at the Waffle House and a good friend. He had recently
been on the rocks with his girlfriend Julie who was a waitress their. Julie and Davin were a match mate in heaven. Davin constantly complaining about how he didnt want to be around Julie, and Julie complaining about Davin not wanting to be around her. Who couldve blamed him, she could literally drive you up a wall with conversation. You know the kind of person I am talking about. Someone who has to stand within three inches from you to talk to you and lean in nose to nose in order to make sure your
listening. Her bottom teeth were nearly eroded away entirely which at least gave you the
sense that maybe you should be holding your breath. Do I say these things to people? Of
course not. But now that I am done with my research project, there are no holds barred. In fact, during my little project, I went all out and did something completely selfless to ensure this girls happiness. Her children had been badly burned in a fire, from where someone in her household left a butane can too close to the camp fire. Upon, hearing about it, a fellow co-worker and myself decided to drive the four hundred miles to visit
her and her children in the hospital. At the time, her boyfriend was on the rocks with her, and she was left all alone with her burned children. No one was going to visit her, so Carol and I opened our hearts to the situation on our days off. Carol is a character, to say the least. If driving an hour and a half to work and
back at the Waffle House isnt enough to give you color then toss in four and a half feet of shining light and twice as much self pity. If anyone could relate with me while I did my time at the Awful Waffle, it would have to be her. She gave her all to the world
around her everyday and constantly acted as a shield for co-workers by stepping in front
of verbal bullets without question. How did she do it? Well, first of all, despite her own misfortune, she would laugh. Not the laugh youd expect from a four and a half foot skinny blonde, but the laugh youd expect from a teenage girl on mushrooms. She
laughed about laughing! All the laughing she did, grew her heart so big, she was actually willing to sacrifice her time off to go out of her way and visit a person in need. We left around noon. Carol had been a great friend, to say the least. Hard
working and a joy to be around. Her selfless act of driving all the way out to see this girl
and her children was nothing less than amazing. Besides, I had a few people I needed to
visit around the Atlanta area in regards to a book of mine, so, we figured make a trip out of it. She showed up at my folks house to pick me up, and after calling Davin to see if he wanted to send flowers or anything with us, we were gone in a flash. Of course he
didnt. This was more or less a path for him to get out of this relationship and on with his
own life. The drive took us about six hours, and when the hospital finally came in view we were in much need of a stretch.

Grimoire XI.

 

Selfish to Selfless

GRIMOIRE XI. CONVERSATION A.
I am exhausted!
That was quite a trip!
You can say that again.
So, what of the children?
Darin, Jessicas son, is home now. Her mom is watching him for the next couple

of weeks. He had to have skin graphs on his face and I am sure he will be severely scarred. His hands are still wrapped up, but he is a strong kid. The girl, Raine, is still sedated and Jessica stayed with her. She wont be released for a couple of weeks. Most of her body is covered in third degree burns.

So was she happy to see you and Cheryl?

Of course. She had been sleeping in the waiting room for two days unable to see her son. I bought us a hotel room for the night so she could sleep in a real bed.
Nice.
Yeah. I was trying to do what was right in my heart but it turns out Cheryl was expecting something more of our little trip than just a visit to a person in need.
What do you mean?
She has a thing for me, I guess. So the night we stayed in the hotel, Cheryl, being of a good heart, told me to lay with Jessica because she needed someone, so I did. I, of course, had no intention of taking advantage of a girl in a traumatic situation. Turns out, she did need someone. She kissed me, and I let her, but then we fell asleep for some, much needed, rest. I suppose Cheryl got upset at me for letting Jessica kiss me because when I got back to work today everyone was accusing me of doing something wrong.
Hahaha. Try and do the right thing and end up the bad guy huh?
Exactly! Oh, it gets better. So the next morning, after the hotel, I had Cheryl take me to East Atlanta so that I could visit with my editor. Jessicas relatives were suppose to arrive as we left, so I thought to take advantage of our location and get Cheryl to drop me in Douglasville where I could take a bus back home in time for work. That night I stayed at a friends house but while I lay in bed I could not shake the feeling I was being selfish. The phone rang and it was Jessica telling me about how her relatives never showed up. As I lay there thinking, my conscience finally got the best of me and I made my decision. I would spend the money I had for my bus ticket home instead on a ticket back to Augusta to be with her in her time of need. The next morning I left. I missed my bands debut, and the date of a lifetime with my editor. Inside, however, I felt I was doing your will. I thought sacrificing my own needs to help another could never be a wrong decision.
And you were correct in figuring so, unless of course you do yourself an injustice in the process.
And that is exactly why I am telling you this stuff so you can help me decide if I did myself an injustice! So fine, I went back there and stayed with her in the hospital during her time of need while missing out on my whole vacation, but I can always take another vacation later. Thats not what bugs me. What gets me is, after she got back together with her ex (which, by the way, I knew you had planned all along) and I arrived back in town, rumors had spread about me somehow being the bad person in all of this! The story was completely turned upside down. Now, all of a sudden it was as if I used Cheryl for a ride to Georgia to sleep with Jessica and ruin her relationship with her boyfriend amidst a tragedy!
Do you believe thats true?
Not at all! I spent all my money, sacrificed my vacation, and took being broken up with on Valentines Day all with a grain of salt just to see a family through their time of need. Turns out, upon hearing about Jessica kissing me, Travis decides it was time to step up. He met her in Gainesville to be with her and Raine and proposed to her. Everything turned out perfect!
How do you feel about it now?
Happy to be home! But really, I never did a thing for the purpose of self-gain.
Think again.
Okay, okay, you got me. I admit, I was trying to score a few brownie points with God.
Thats better.
So now that I am all grown up, I still end up getting the same results as when I was a child!
What do you mean?
I do what I think is a good deed, and end up hurting someone else or becoming the bad guy in someones eyes, every time!
There is a difference though.
I dont see one. I spent the whole week being there for Jessica and those kids in complete disregard for myself and when I get back, all I have gotten is grief from every direction.
You are focusing too much on the grief and not enough on the reward.
What reward? All I have gotten is accused of every sin imaginable as of late.
Were you not seeking the reward of knowing the kids and Jessica were happy and healthy when you set out on your journey?
Yes. I suppose I did get my reward, everyone is happy. But why must I be given hell over it?
People will more readily find a dishonorary explanation than a noble cause behind something they dont understand in this place and time. This is only because there are still those who have trouble believing that the world can be a beautiful place if they so choose. You must forgive those who seemingly smite your good deeds and instead focus on the amount of growth you have achieved.
Growth?
Yes. I told you there was a difference between then, as a child, and now, as an adult. The difference is this:
As a child, you were acting selfishly under the guise of being selfless. As an adult youve acted selflessly under the guise of being selfish.
This will become apparent to you when you look back at „The Bitter Truth and how you handled the same sort of situation in the past. You have become a better man my son.
I suppose that is why I felt so strongly about telling our story about when I lived with Denika and her family after running away from home.
Yes, it was.
I really didnt want the world to know that story but I guess I had to tell it so that everyone could see how a simple shift in the way we think of others before thinking of ourselves could change the world.
It is for far more reasons than that alone.
I know.
Now, these things exist only as distant memories, and I would never have known how I truly felt about these matters would I have never put them out in front of me and experienced them for myself. Sometimes you truly dont know what you say or do is wrong until after you have said or done it, and seen it with your own eyes. The truth is a gift ordained by God. Being honest and noble is not always easy. There are those who will take your kindness for granted. There are those, unlearned, who will take advantage of a giving heart. But perseverance will lead you through these hard times and eventually draw you to those of like mind. Birds of a feather do truly flock together, and when you come unto your flock, you will find the wings to fly.
Lastly, we should all thank God for forgiveness. Truly, in the light of the lord I have learned to be his vessel. What does god do with what we give him? Only good.
God gives. That is his essence. Even God did not expect the first breath of life in this universe. The first breath of life was a thing to be thankful for.
Yea, and I say unto thee, God hath given all of his being into the nothing, expecting not a return, but in that instant we were thankful.

13.
CONCLUSION

Alright! So here we are. All the cards have been dealt. Here I sit drink in hand, and life has come back full circle looking me square in the face. It wont be lo ng until I publish this book as „The Perfection of Life at which time I will receive a flood of e- mails and phone calls asking me this and that. So let us avoid the jibber jabber and get right down to the brass tacks. In reading my manuscripts, you can see that man is flawed.

The human spirit, though unwavering in its strength to persevere in the face of calamity never ceases to call upon itself all kinds of darkness in order to better understand the world around itself. I, being more lucky than the average Joe have lived through my

follies to record them in what some would call my confession, and what I would call the fantastical ravings of a lunatic. In so much as we may wonder what deeds man is capable of, let us keep in our prayers the ones we love, fellow humanity. For there are circumstances unexplainable out there that those close to our hearts try and unwind everyday. And in doing so they are searching for that small light of humanity that is hidden but a breath away, underneath a shroud of misunderstanding that exists within everyone.

While seeking the perfection of life, I have found one thing to be true above all else:

 

There is but one way to find what it is you are looking for, and that way is to open your eyes to the possibility that you have already found it. I close with an entry from my journal and leave you with a epilogue full of past observations and discoveries I have held dear all these years:

When I die and go to my heaven, where will it be? On the couch after experiencing enlightenment? In the bed with Tosha? On a ninja mission with Carl and Jacqueline? Cooking in the Waffle House and writing my book that would eventually come to be? Maybe Everywhere? Then again, if I can't pick a place where do I end up?

Only a perfect outcome could reap all my experiences again. I suppose I must live my life over and over, it would be the only way to experience all of my heavens again. I can only hope to love each of my most precious memories to a fuller extent than I have in this life. Am I truly that being of unlimited love? Is this as good as it gets? I truly hope not. My moment, with Tosha's naked body in love with mine, didn't last nearly long enough. Nor did any of my other most precious moments. Time is cruel.

Walking through the fields of Janet's mom's house, a magickal and mystical place, or the Indian mounds of Pegram. I can only hope to find as much beauty in my future as I have so foolishly stumbled upon in my past. Where is my MOST favorite and loved place on earth? Where is yours?

Epilogue
“One need not know by what principles a seed grow, to raise corn.” –unknown

 

Abstinence and Male Energy

Male and female are simply another prime example of the great polarities. They are brought into existence on earth as opposites. The most telling fact about opposites, is that to remain opposites they must never come into merging contact with one another, lest they lose their identity and become neutral. When opposite forces merge, individual forces are canceled and redistributed for use by both- unity but no movement. Neutrality is a state of non motion, it is balance- no movement in either direction. Only imbalance on the side of one polarity or the other creates movement toward the direction which needs work.

Mating, though natural in the animal kingdom, is for man to overcome and control. Besides, if god wished for us to be in a state of constant union, would he have not put us here in that state to begin with? Instead he placed us here as separate- allowing us a chance to rise above the calling of shallow pleasures and mating for the sheer sake of numbers alone. To conform to seemingly natural laws of mating and union is to follow a premade path by others, and also is to give in to the bodys requests. Giving into bodily requests is allowing the body influential power over the mind and spirit. Spiritual power comes from living in a sacred way, to discipline the body is to feed the spirit. One gains only what one is willing to relinquish for the sake of growth. One cannot simply choose to spiritually grow stronger and have it so- One must also deduce some form of action to back his dedication. This act is thusly known as self sacrifice.

Just as male and female are two great universal opposites, so also are the attributes. Males save energy for eventual use: Females acquire energy for immediate use.

Possessing a thing is not nearly so rewarding as wanting it! All Men Are Created Equal

One should remain emotionless. Every individual will change his or her actions and reactions to incur new relationships (including friendships). One will truly be universal (all kinds) (full of universe) when one can accept all beings for who they choose to be. This means having no preferences of physical or social gains. Allow all to be true to you, by truly being true to all.

Outside relationships, when observed, you will find to be true. It is only you who alter reality by not allowing total affection to all.

 

Inherent Production

Man may be inherently destructive__ But only because God is inherently productive. Realizing God. Then realizing he is the more important part of you__ Will inherently make you productive.

God is more powerful to those who know.

 

Remembering your past- Allows you to enjoy your current polarity- And next time..... Choose where you would like to enjoy it.

 

Allow Another Freedom

One knows all that oneself has experienced, but not much of what others have experienced. Even those whom are closest to oneself remain, in part, a mystery. The impossibilities that one would wish upon oneself, are here to be had at any moment. Those who are drawn to oneself hold these secrets dear. If one will only express to another their knowingness/faith in that others abilities, then the other will become comfortable enough with one to express his abilities unshamefully.

One can never contest anothers proclaimed events, for one was not present during such events.

Friends have abilities that lie dormant in them. To tell a friend of their abilities (to inspire) is to allow them to express them. Friends do not show you their true abilities in fear of out doing their God/the father/you. They do not wish to be better than you, only equal to you. They fear you will think they are showing off, or expressing superiority. They do not wish for superiority, only friendship. To let them in on the fact that you know this is true, is to show your faith in their abilities. To know that they are not expressing superiority allows them to show their inherent ability, and allows them to comfortably show you your inherent ability without them having fear of retaliation or feelings of superiority from you. The friendship remains pure. The consciousness of the relationship simply rises.

Accepting ones abilities, demonstrates not superiority, but instead expresses higher equality.

 

A Man Defined By Action

 

A man is changed by his past decisions.

 

A man is constantly becoming a new person.

 

We define a man by his past actions (but action is decision brought to life)

 

When we look at a man, we see him as he really is.

When we define a man by his past actions or experiences we see the man for who he was when he made the decision
not for who he is after the decision.

With each decision and experience, man re-evaluates his decision and becomes a new man
for he now would be the man who would choose his new decisionnot the man that chose the old one.
An Ample Thought

Constantly remember that you are being granted your requests. All things in life that happen are yours. Never should you have to worry about something, for you are choosing what you create. There is no reason to feel treated unfairly on any occasion, because all things that occur are for the better. You naturally choose the correct way. When you prefer a certain thing to happen,

it willunless it doesnt.

It will always happen when the events occurrence matters not. You are making this life unfold, so accept responsibility for it. You get what you ask for, even if it is not what you prefer, so enjoy your giftsyou cant lose.

Here And There

Before I could know myself as only a part of the whole picture I first had to create a here and there. For if there was not here and there I could not distinguish where I was in relation to what I wasnt. The fact that here and there exists, implies distance in between two objects. If there is distance between two objects, presumably to get from one object to the next would require