“Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the LORD.”
Lamentations 3:40
My eyes well up today as I see all the wickedness around me and I begin to think upon Your saving and sanctifying grace. Oh that I would look You ever so increasingly, for when I think to draw near, I cannot help but eagerly await for the “blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ”217 - “Come, Lord Jesus!”218
When I think of Your truth given to me, I cannot help but wonder why I allow fear to creep in and arise in my heart.
“…for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”219
When I really start to investigate my situation, the answer seems always to come back the same – my vision is gazing somewhere else. And how often I find that the majority of the time the fear is not due to some close line of death nor due to severe persecution chasing me down, but rather it is my eyes have wandered onto secondary things.
Lord, it is here that I must “test and examine” my ways before You; it is here where I must come to some realization and admission that I have allowed fear to creep in and my sight to veer. For if I am not alert and discerning to recognize my condition, fear would be more than willing to steer me down paths of its repercussions and enslavement, the very vices of Satan. And if I allow fear to take its ugly root, will I not then become like the drowning man who is panicking and flailing and incapable of sound reason? – this of course is to Satan’s liking. For he would have me to be in such a state so that I would begin to think wrongly of You and Your character and not turn back to You; or maybe I would act in unrighteous anger and with harsh words; or maybe yet I would act to find answers in mankind hoping for some temporal relief; or maybe I would act out in a shear running headlong into the enjoyments of the flesh and sin, alcohol and drugs, sexual pleasures and instant gratifications. The list goes on to what a man will do to flee from his dark fear. Oh Lord, help me to always cut off the ‘dragon’s head’ of fear by keeping me alert and in Your word, in prayer and in locking my sights on You.
Not only should I examine my way, but shall I not also do serious business regarding examining my true position with You,220 and then I should return to You? Oh, by grace, yes! Forgive me, oh Lord, if I have sought to serve two masters, for I cannot live in such a way.221
I cannot enter the narrow gate and then seek to walk the easy way.222 Nor can I expect to be victorious, if like Peter,223 I take my eyes off of You and become overwhelmed by fear as I stare towards the storms and trials of this life. For what am I gazing upon224 and what treasures am I storing up and holding dear?225 Do you not take care of the birds? Am I not of greater value? Can I add a single hour to my life? Do you not clothe the fields with beauty? Is it not You who upholds and takes care of such things? Oh Yes! So why then shall I let anxiousness and worry and doubt and fear take root? Could it be that I have at times, over these last twenty years, taken Your sovereignty lightly and become prey to faulty thinking? Praise You mighty God that You will never leave me nor forsake me!226 I agree with what John Newton said long ago,
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am.”227
What then shall I say to these things? Praise You God that You are faithful and powerful to redirect my paths, grant me repentance228 yet again, and daily give me new mercies; You get sweeter and sweeter as You rekindle my desires to walk earnestly, humbly, and powerfully with a contrite heart, oh how wonderful Your salvation and how amazing Your grace!
Yet, Lord, if I say that I love Your grace and long for Jesus, then shall I not also be changed in my thinking, in my response, in my private life and my inner and outer strivings? – Oh, my yes! Your word is active and sharp229 so let me here heed, let me here see and hear, let me here understand and apply Your true grace and emphasize such working realities:
“For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession who are zealous for good works.”230
In the light of Your truths, I must ask myself, are these the marks that I bear in my heart, in my mind and on my actions behind closed doors? For I must examine myself here; I must come to admit and submit here; for it is here where fear builds off of my disobedience and unwillingness to stay the course. For if I run headlong towards ungodliness and worldly passions, then it should be to me no wonder that I stumble and fall when I should be running and winning. Oh Lord, may the words of David, be my prayer:
“Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.”231
Have I, because of fear, sought to be a “cursed fool” or a “blessed man”?232 Am I true in my walk with You or am I laying claim to You by fruitless works?233 Search my heart, make it known to me, let me know before I am utterly broken and then lift me up again. I know, oh Lord how I know, that my fear has more to do with my faulty vision and wrong hopes that I care to admit.
“We are inclined to a sinful trust and dependence upon each other, and to an inordinate fear and dread of each other. We act as if the creature were a god rather than a man, a spirit rather than flesh. Thus, our fear magnifies and exalts the creature, putting it (as it were) in God’s room and place. God rebukes this sin in His own people: ‘I, even I, am he that comforteth you: Who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of a man that shall die, and of the son of man which shall be made as grass; and forgettest the LORD thy maker?’ (Isa. 51:12–13a). It is evident that fear exalts people and belittles God. It thinks upon a person’s harmful power so much that it forgets God’s saving power. In this way, a mortal worm, which perishes as the grass, eclipses the glory of the great God, who stretched forth the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth.”234
Lord, it all must start, that is the killing of my fears and yes salvation itself, with You awakening me to the reality that I have let such take deep root. However, You are the good and faithful vine dresser, so I ask You Lord, may I abide in You.235 May I always be alert, prepared and washed by Your word, that I might be quick to recognize and admit worldly fear; may I examine my condition, my eyes and my path, and then return speedily to You alone.
“If we were to understand how dear we are to God, our relation to Him, our value in His eyes, and how He protects us by His faithful promises and gracious presence, we would not tremble at every appearance of danger.”236
Lord, You are love;237 You are perfect;238 and Your perfect love casts out all fears.239 “This God – His way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.”240 Lord my God, could it very well be, not only because of my wayward vision, but more deeply, that I really do not believe? Could it be that I do not really believe that You can be trusted in and with all things, all matters? Could it be that I have not been trusting and resting in You? – Oh, how You know, You know oh Lord! Help my unbelief.241
And Lord, please never let me to forget, nor take lightly, that the mind set on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on Your Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile towards You.242 For if I am then in the flesh, that is looking and steering my gaze and desires towards such, I cannot please You.243 Oh Lord, never, please never, let this be my position. Oh how true it is of You and Your word, for if I should desire You to draw near to me, I must draw near to You,244 putting away a mind that is constantly searching out the flesh. However, being reminded again, it is impossible to draw near to You, pleasing You, should I act faithlessly and unbelieving that You really do not reward me245 Oh Lord, You know how in my early days, and sometimes even now, to believe You would reward me, a sinner saved only because of Your wonderful working grace, is just too much and too high of a thing for this poor man’s mind. But oh, how I do praise You, for You treat me so kindly, show me my error, empower me to return onto the straight and narrow path, and You reward me by drawing near. Halleluiah! And let me not stop here, for let me not forget to daily pick up my cross and chase after You with a humble and contrite heart, for without humility246 I shall not see Your grace. Your grace is what saves me and trains me the way I should go – what a beautiful dichotomy.