a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” 1 Peter 5:8-9
I was a freshman in college at the University of the Philippines Los Baños (UPLB) taking up BS Biology when I came to know Jesus Christ. I do not know the exact date or the exact time when I actually received Him as my Savior and Lord in my life. What I know and understand was that whereas I have been powerless to overcome my unholy desires, now I can control them better than before and that I feel like the holiness of God has come inside my body. Whereas I hate to read the Bible before, now I feel like it is indeed filled with life and seems alive. The people seem to be alive and they brought me memories of my kindergarten years when we listen to Bible stories during Sundays. I seem to be able to piece all the information better than before and could understand why those things happened. My taste for reading changed also for whereas my goal was to be a complete man, well read in the sciences as well as in the humanities and letters, now I found myself buying books about Christ and His church, about His mighty acts in the lives of others and about His doctrines. My goal was not anymore to be a complete man, rather to be a whole man. I seem to have changed in my perspective too as whereas I hated before the Brothers who come to dwell in our apartment because my friend was a born again Christian and who has a computer which we all share, now I like them and I love to hear their stories and their testimonies. It was like as if something truly changed within me. I was not struck by lightning or saw a vision of heavenly light. I did not hear any voice of God or heard any thundering sound. I just understood something happened to me and I love the feeling of it. I was on fire. Somewhat John the Baptist’s statement came true in me, Jesus shall baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire (Matt 3:11). I was so happy for no apparent reason like David, I felt like, He has put gladness in my heart more than when their grain and new wine abound (Ps 4:8). I seem to feel like jumping up and down, just like when I was doing it in my elementary days.
As far as I remember I did not immediately go to Metro Manila and preached the gospel to the 11 cities like the healed Gadarene did, but certainly I took my diary and wrote about what happened. Then I took my yellow pad and started scribbling my letter to my mother and father. I was so ecstatic that when I finished writing, it was more than 3 pages in length back to back. I got my clues in writing a letter from a friend of mine who became a lawyer and who wrote long and meaty letters. I told myself that one day, I will also write long and meaty letters, so I did. After that I went to a Christian bookstore and bought some Chick tracts and inserted them in my letter. I was hoping that my father and mother would somehow read those tracts and become as myself….then there would be no problem and all would be well. Noah was called, he and his household into the Ark of God (Gen 7:1) and the Apostle Peter preached that you and your household shall be saved, so I believe him (Acts 11:14).
Then I was so absorbed about my letters that I thought they were good, so I started writing again. I wrote to my former friend from whom I stole some books and did not return it. I still feel guilty about it so I asked her forgiveness and plan to send her some books as my replacement to hers. I then did the same to others for who I also took for granted their friendships, helps etc. Then I wrote another letter for my brothers who were studying in the same High School where I studied…advising them about what courses to take, what books to read and what to look for in this life. I told them Jesus. Because I have a wonderful friend by the name of Chester Dabalos and Reginald Cordial, these two brought me also to their fellowship and without them I would not have meet many likeminded people and friends who also helped me on the Way. I can compare that youth fellowship differs so much from the adult fellowship which I have been into in many Protestant congregations. Some do so by praising God using hymnals and readings, others with bands and singing while still others do so with simple praises. What I like most and which I am biased because of my likes is praise and worship with bands. Whereas I was brought up in a church where people stand and pray to God using hymnals, I like my new experience with singing and dancing before the Lord much like a concert where people even cry and faint for the rock bands. This time we don’t necessarily fade and faint with the bands, rather we look to Jesus and allow His Spirit to minister to us as we minister to Him also and bring Joy by our worship (Neh 8:10; Jn 4:4). Whenever I go back to my province in Kalinga, I still participate in the Hymnals and do not think that they are outmoded or evil, simply, there are things that we can work out and we do not need to compare and disagree with the method of how we praise God; we can do so by dividing people in various services with their different preferences or do a combination. Some of my friends outrightly reject the older congregations and those based on hymnals as outmoded, even so, this is pride and we must acknowledge that without the blessed organ and piano, there would have been no synthesizer and combo bands. Each instrument has its own time to function and bless the people with.
As I remember now, it seems funny, but I was also glad that I did it. I am glad I wrote those letters because I was far and I do not have the courage to say “I am sorry” face to face with them. I am happy to report that my siblings and I are all born again and followers of the Lord. My Parents too are in the process and we are thankful for what God is doing in our lives. What I want to relate to you now is one of my struggles immediately after some months following my conversion. One day while in my dormitory room at the International House, I found myself very tired and heavy. I was reading a book on spiritual deliverance when all of the sudden I felt heaviness and fear come upon me. I was a little bit afraid, but I continued to read the book. Later on, I could not rest and I felt agitated. I thought God will surround His people with peace, and David said, I will both lie down and sleep for You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety (Ps 4:8). I think it would be better to say fear came and almost totally overtook me because of the graphic descriptions in my reading. I could not get them over my head so that my thoughts turned into imaginations and my imaginations seem so real. But I could feel also goosebumps; some of the Brethren tell that goosebumps can be sign of God’s presence, but when one is afraid or agitated, sometimes goosebumps also occur such as watching movies, so I do not entirely believe that when goosebumps occur, an evil spirit is there, or that God is there. This is a natural body reaction to fear or excitement. What I do know is that when fear overcomes us, our faculties can sometimes freeze. It happened to me. I did not freeze like ice, rather, I turned to myself inwardly so that all that I could hear about are evil voices; blasphemous and simply evil that my mind could not seem to get over. Paul wrote that if we look inside ourselves, there is nothing good in it (Rom. 7:18).
I now know by hindsight that it was aggravated by my own fear and inability to know it before hand. In fact when it happened, I ran out of fear from my room to Gideon’s room, another friend and brother. I asked that he pray for me….and that he should pray for me, always. He said yes. I went out and the next day, I asked him if I can be in his room. He has another empty bed so that I asked to transfer to his room. The matron who knows me did not object. This brother however keeps on telling me to ask God first. I did. I did not hear a strong voice telling me to transfer or go to Gideon’s room, but I understood that it was also the Lord’s will to bring me to this brother’s room when in my reading that day, my eyes fell on the words, “do not be yoked with unbelievers”. It was like a great relief. It was like Heaven. Great! In my first room, I know the people inside, my roommates but we do not have anything in common. I was the youngest and certainly they do not like the way I act…sometimes with a Christian
music…probably loud to their ears and tormenting to them but pleasing to me. I was insensitive and foolish according to most missions; I should have pleased my neighbors.
Time passed by. I was still depressed and even in my classes I could still hear the voices. When I consulted our pastor, he told me that even John Nash experienced them and he told me that I must be strong or otherwise I would be brought to the mental hospital. That really unnerved me. Though he did not explicitly told me that I would be brought there, I thought it would have been easier for me to not have read that book and avoided it but my curiosity drove me like a mad dog to nose through books. I wanted to know all that I can. To really understand whether what Jesus said in His word still happens…does He still open the blind eyes? Does He still heal the lame, the mute, the demon possessed? Does He still baptize with fire and Holy Spirit? Are there sorcerers and wicked men who gave their souls to Satan for power and might? Can someone really visit heaven and hell? And what happens after death? I visited the brothers and my former roommate. In their bigger place, it was like Heaven in atmosphere although I see clattered plates, curtains and unswept floors, I think the joy was there and that makes the difference. Sometimes they do not contribute for food together so they go out and eat outside. They eat well and good. Sometimes food is also scarce and money from the province does not come easily. Then they would have to fast, just strum the guitar and lay flat on their beds. Some brothers or sisters may visit and then bring good foods. At times I bring bread or lend money. I still remember Eloi, a brother who is also a good preacher. He finished Forestry from the UPLB upper campus but right at that time when I was with him he has no job yet. He was looking for one. So he stayed for a while with the brother’s house…he lend me some books and counseled me that the things I cannot overcome will overcome me if I will not. I wondered, how can I overcome even this mental anguish I was suffering? He prayed for me. When I was talking with them, when I was with them, I do not hear it. I can also sympathize with them…sometimes life looks like full of problems even when you are not yet done with college. I heard one schoolmate in high school who killed himself because of problems. Well, Paul said that we are to strengthen our feeble arms and weak knees and make a level path for our feet (Heb 12:12-13) and we must through tribulations enter through the Kingdom of God (Acts 14:22). I won’t allow myself to get dragged into the mental hospital, or to put a bullet in my head. I was too afraid for that.
Then one day, as I was walking through to go to my classes, I suddenly found release. Now I do not hear the voices, I finished the two books I was reading about spiritual deliverance and religiously did all what they said. I bound all the demons I thought was affecting me. I rebuke all that I could. I did not hear a big bang, I did not see anything physically happen, but even through my suffering I felt the Lord with me. It’s not the goose bumps anymore but when you know Him. You know His presence and you understand it. One does not need to have a Pentecostal theology to discern it. One simply needs to know Him and that He is there. Meanwhile after the semester, my grades suffered terribly so that I have to catch up…it seem I am out of circulation with my fellow Biology folks. I was gearing to finish medicine when I mounted up to come to UPLB.
After my anguish with hearing voices another problem surfaced in. I was reading my KJV bible for my evening readings when I encountered the verses about the falling away of God’s people.
“Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God, 2 Of the doctrine of baptisms, and of laying on of hands, and of resurrection of the dead, and of eternal judgment. And this will we do, if God permit. For
itis impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put
himto an open shame.” Heb 6:1-6It was like, I kept on thinking again about the words of the Bible much in the same way as I blew up about the spiritual deliverance…then boom and suddenly I felt afraid. What if I fall away, then there is no more salvation of God for me? It was really a fearful condition. I do not want to be fried in hell, if there was certain death, where one simply vanishes away like a mist, I would have preferred that. But then God has made us like Himself, one with eternal soul. The disobedient goes to hell and the obedient to heaven. Heaven and hell look like a magnet of their nature, self organizing organisms that zap in souls that die, the redeemed to heaven and the disobedient to hell. No one wanted to be there until they have died and found themselves in the pit (Luke 16:22-23). Too much work and revelry and they forsook the eternal over the temporal (Luke 9:25).
“The wicked shall be turned into hell, andall the nations that forget God.” Psalms 9:17
“The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me. In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, eveninto his ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations also of the hills moved and were shaken, because he was wroth.” Psalms 18:5-7
“The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow. Then called I upon the name of the LORD; O LORD, I beseech thee, deliver my soul. Gracious isthe LORD, and righteous; yea, our God ismerciful. The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, andmy feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.” Psalms 116:3-9
“Hell and destruction arebefore the LORD: how much more then the hearts of the children of men?” Prov 15:11
“Hell from beneath is moved for thee to meet theeat thy coming: it stirreth up the dead for thee, evenall the chief ones of the earth; it hath raised up from their thrones all the kings of the nations.” Isaiah 14:9
“Therefore hell hath enlarged herself, and opened her mouth without measure: and their glory, and their multitude, and their pomp, and he that rejoiceth, shall descend into it. And the mean man shall be brought down, and the mighty man shall be humbled, and the eyes of the lofty shall be humbled.” Isaiah 5:14-15
“And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” Matt 10:28
“But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.” Luke 12:5
“And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried; And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.” Luke 16:22-23
“If any manwill come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away? For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in hisFather's, and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:23-26
I was afraid of hell. I read about the sufferings of those thrown in hell by the books of Mary Baxter, Divine Revelations of Hell and Choo Thomas’ Heaven is so real. It was really fearful to be tormented day and night without end. Pastor Ed Lapiz said, “we have already suffered too much on earth, why chose to suffer again after death when we can chose to have life?” The offerings of Jesus for life in exchange to damnation was really a positive motivation for me, apart from being useful for the Kingdom of Heaven, I think life eternal is one of the dominant motivations in the Kingdom of Heaven. I would not exchange it one bit to Midas’ touch or to Bill Gates’ billions. Following Jesus has become a lifestyle for me, He was the best and the greatest philosopher this world has ever seen. I do not follow Him only because of that, but of course because He is the Teacher, the Mentor and the Captain of my soul. Indeed to follow Jesus, we must surrender all, He did not come to save us only, He came to kill us too! Then one day after some months of self searching, I told God that I have committed my life to Him and that there is no turning back. I asked Him that if ever I move away from Him, that He would bring me back to the right path. I also tried to ask my other friends and they too had the same questions with me about backsliding, about falling away. They heard some did fall already and are living in sin, much worse than the first time they came to Christ. It was not an easy decision but I bet it was the best. I counted the cost as Jesus told (Luke 14:28).
Then after some more weeks and months, finally I got over my struggles and settled my accounts. The Holy Spirit breathed the following verse to my heart while reading in my meditation. Most often this is the way the Lord communicates with me. He uses His word to speak what He wants to tell me. I never doubt it was Him because I know my God. Sometimes the Lord speak by reminders too such as it comes to my memory suddenly.
“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform ituntil the day of Jesus Christ…” Phil 1:6
I found that the Lord did the same with the Apostles before as they could speak and write from memory the things they have known from Jesus or from the Scriptures (see Peter’s preaching in Acts 2:16 and Paul’s in Acts 28:25). Jesus moreover said that we should not worry for He will reveal to us what we need to say or do.
“Settle ittherefore in your hearts, not to meditate before what ye shall answer: For I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your adversaries shall not be able to gainsay nor resist.” Luke 21:14-15
“For I [Myself] will give you a mouth and such utterance and wisdom that all of your foes combined will be unable to stand against or refute.” Luke 21:15 (AMP)
“Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me.” John 5:39
“But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you.
Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]” John 14:26-27 (AMP)