"I trust you, God...but..."
I've said that so many times. There have been slight variations, but it's always the same idea: I prayed to God for something and told Him how I trusted Him...but still worried He wouldn't come through.
Or...worried He wouldn't come through the way I wanted Him to.
I've come across two stories recently that tie together so beautifully with this theme.
First is Jacob and Esau.
I was at a women's retreat that taught the story of Jacob & Esau. It's an "oldie but a goodie," and so many have heard it.
But there is SO MUCH that I had never seen in those chapters before.
If you struggle with anxiety, I hope you'll get the same things out of them that I have. They've been a huge comfort and wake up call.
Jacob and Esau were twins. When they were born, Esau was born first with Jacob holding onto his brother Esau's foot. He was named "Jacob" which means "He grasps the heal or he deceives." Perhaps where we get the phrase today of "he was pulling my leg" to infer someone was telling a lie.
For his entire life, Jacob was angry that Esau was the oldest son, and therefore received the father's blessing. Jacob (and his mother) put together a scheme to trick the father (Isaac) into giving Jacob the blessing, thus stealing it from his brother Esau.
Jacob was obsessed with receiving his father's blessing. He was so obsessed, that he hatched a plan to deceive his father, and once Esau found out, he set out to kill Jacob after their father died. Their mother sent Jacob away for his own safety, where he lived with his uncle for 20 years.
And I thought I had family drama.
It wasn't until those 20 years later that he was traveling back home and heard that Esau was coming after him with 400 men. Esau intended to settle the score. Apparently, two decades had done nothing to dampen his anger.
It's in the next few hours--the hours between Jacob finding out Esau was coming after him and when he and his brother finally meet face-to-face-- that I learned more about myself and my anxiety than I ever could have imagined I would.
During that time away, Jacob had been very successful and had plenty. The blessing his father had given him, even though it was given under false pretenses and not meant for Jacob, was still over Jacob. Coming home, Jacob had much in the way of animals, family, and servants.
As Jacob got word that Esau was coming for him...with an army and full of pent-up rage from the past 20 years...
"In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups..." Genesis 32:7
In great fear and distress.
The Message version says:
"Jacob was scared. Very scared. Panicked, he divided his people..."
He was terrified. That night, he prayed to God reminding Him how He had promised to prosper Jacob and make his descendants "like the sand in the sea".
After he prayed, he tried to sleep. And apparently, the night got the better of him with too much time to simmer and think.
Instead of resting in the promises of God, the very promises he just recounted to the Lord Himself, Jacob hatched a plan.
In his plan, he divided up over 500 of his best animals as a peace offering to Esau. He divided his family up in a certain way and rehearsed with them what to say when they encountered Esau's men. Some may call this a bribe...and I think I will.
He's got this.
He knows God has promised to protect him, but just in case...
And then he stays back at camp after sending all of his livestock and his wives and maidservants ahead of him.
It's there that Jacob wrestles with the angel of God.
From out of nowhere, out of the dark, Jacob is attacked and wrestled with this angel all night.
"When the man [the angel] saw that he could not overpower him [Jacob], he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man."
Then the man demanded that Jacob let him go.
I think in that moment, it became clear to Jacob that this wasn't an ordinary man. He realized that the man he had been wrestling with all night had the power to kill him in one touch.
Jacob demands the man's blessing.
And the angel does the craziest thing...he asks Jacob what his name is.
Now, stop with me here and realize something...
If this man is an angel...and I think Jacob was quickly brought up to speed with that information...why is he asking Jacob what his name is? Surely, he had some idea who he was?
The next few lines tell us:
"'Jacob', he answered.
Then the man said, 'Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.'"
You see, Jacob--this man who for his whole life had counterfeited everything about himself, even going so far as to steal his brother's identity and blessing, who was even named "Deceiver," had finally come face-to-face with reality.
He wrestled with that angel until the angel forced him to admit who he really was.
No pretenses. No counterfeiting. No lies.
Just truth.
It wasn't until that point, when Jacob was at his lowest physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, that he was able to acknowledge before God who he really was.
Because the angel had wrenched his hip out of the socket, Jacob had a limp. I'm sure every step was excruciating.
The next part of this story shows Jacob's family still separated out in a methodical manner.
But Jacob is at the front.
As he sees his brother coming on the horizon with his 400 men, he walks on ahead...and he bows before his brother along the way 7 times.
He bows.
And he bows.
And he bows.
And he bows.
And he bows.
And he bows.
And he bows.
Each step like a knife through his hip.
Each labored movement as he lowers himself to the ground and struggles to stand back up reminding him of the wrestling match he had with the angel.
Each searing pain met with gritted teeth and a determination that he knew now who he really was.
And who he wasn't.
And do you know what happened?
Verse 4 of Genesis 32 says,
"But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept."
Jacob then presented the gifts he had prepared to Esau.
And it's when I read those words that I realize I am Jacob.
I often take matters into my own hands when I don't trust God to handle it or to fulfill His promises.
When I don't like the path I see myself on, I change course to something I want instead of going the way I'm meant.
When I fear that things aren't going my way, I pray to God for His protection and guidance with one breath and devise my own plan with the other.
Like Jacob, when I get wind that trouble is headed my direction, I want to trust God, but I doubt God's sincerity or willingness to follow-through.
I forget or set aside His sovereignty in favor of my comfort and peace of mind.
But, like Jacob, in an effort to feel more secure, I step outside of trusting God, and that's when I lose all comfort and peace of mind.
When I try to be someone I'm not...in many cases, that's God...I lose my real identity.
When I go the way God wants me to go...like Jacob finally did when he walked ahead of everyone else...that's when I find the greatest courage and peace, even in the midst of pain.
We may not wrestle with an actual angel, but how many of us wrestle God in our minds? How many of us refuse to let God tell the story and direct the show, and acknowledging before Him who we really are?
And, more importantly, who God really is.
How many of us don't trust God to really protect us and be there for us and prosper us?
I am raising my hand and waving it frantically in the air!
I don't.
But here I come, limping, ready to give this gift to God. The gift of control--or the illusion that I have it.
I'm ready to give it back and tell him I am Jacob.
In that moment, when I fully acknowledge who I am before God, He will tell me who I have become.
I am Israel. Because I have wrestled with man and God.
In the last chapter, I shared about Jacob & Esau and how reading that story with fresh eyes helped me see how it relates to my anxiety.
One Sunday I was floored by reading the story of Naaman in church.
Seriously, it blows me away when something from the Old Testament relates so closely to my life.
Naaman is found in the book of 2 Kings, chapter 5.
Naaman was a Man's Man. He was a highly decorated soldier.
The Bible says:
"Now Naaman was commander of the army of the king of Aram. He was a great man in the sight of his master and highly regarded, because through him the Lord had given victory to Aram. He was a valiant soldier, but..."
And the next part overshadows all the medals of honor, all the glorious battle wins, and all the accolades from superiors.
"...he had leprosy."
Leprosy is a horrible disease. It can cause, among many things, loss of feeling in hands and feet, fingers and toes, softened bones that break very easily, the nose bone to degenerate and detach from the face, and open, running sores. Naaman, the mighty warrior, knew this was what lay ahead for him.
His wife's servant girl suggested that he go see Elisha, a prophet of God, to be healed.
So, Naaman got a letter of recommendation from the king of Aram and traveled to see Elisha.
When Naaman got to Elisha's door, Elisha sent a messenger to tell Naaman what to do to be healed: Go strip naked and dip in the Jordan River seven times.
That's it. Easy Peazy.
To say Naaman was ticked is an under-statement.
Verse 11 says, "But Naaman went away angry..."
The Message version gives a better visual:
"Naaman lost his temper. He turned on his heel saying, 'I thought he'd personally come out and meet me, call on the name of God, wave his hand over the diseased spot, and get rid of the disease. The Damascus River, Abana and Pharpar are cleaner by far than any of the rivers in Israel. Why not bathe in them? I'd at least get clean.' He stomped off, mad as a hornet." (Verses 11-12)
The NIV finishes verse 12 with, "So he turned and went off in a rage."
Lost his temper...
Stomped off...
Mad as a hornet...
Went off in a rage...
This sounds too familiar. I am embarrassed to admit how many times I've stomped off like a toddler, angry that things didn't go the way I wanted them to.
He was so angry and walking at such a pace that his servants had to rush after him. Verse 13 says, "But his servants caught up with him and said, 'Father, if the prophet had asked you to do something hard and heroic, wouldn't you have done it? So why not this simple 'wash and be clean'?"
Bam!
Did that hit you between the eyes like it did me?
Naaman was used to entire cities falling at his feet in battle.
He had accolades by the truck-load from superiors and noble persons.
His knee bowed to only one man on the planet and that was the king of Aram.
There was no battle he hadn't conquered.
So, when Elisha could not even be bothered to come see this great man, Naaman was offended.
When Elisha dared to suggest this warring giant dip himself in one of the filthiest rivers around...Naaman was incensed.
Naaman even said, "I thought he'd personally come out and meet me, call on the name of God, wave his hand over the diseased spot, and get rid of the disease."
You see, Naaman had a plan. He had a preconceived notion about how this was all going to go down.
In his mind, Elisha would be wooed in his presence, like everyone else always was, and fall all over himself to heal Naaman. According to Naaman's plan, Elisha would majestically wave his hand over Naaman, say a prayer, and voila! All better.
Instead, Elisha zeroed right in, bulls-eye, on Naaman's pride, which was massive.
Being required to strip naked, removing his royal clothing and battle armor, and dip in a filthy river not once or twice, but seven times...unthinkable.
And humiliating.
His servants brought up a great point, though (and I wonder if they did so nervously). They pointed out that Naaman would have gladly done something "hard" or maybe something "showy" to be healed. Something that exemplified Naaman's strength and prowess.
But the idea of stripping down and completely humbling himself was too much.
Anybody feeling this with me?
Finally, after his servants appealed to him, he went down to the Jordan River and stripped naked. He walked into the water and dipped himself seven times.
And he was healed.
His life was transformed in an instant.
His once broken, oozing skin was "restored and became clean like that of a young boy" (verse 14b).
I am so much like Naaman.
I worry and pray and beg for healing, but when God tells me what to do, I fight Him.
I say, "No, Lord, Not that. Heal me this way!"
"Don't make me strip down and humble myself in your sight and in man's sight, Lord. Don't let me look weak and frail, Lord."
But, like Naaman now and like Jacob in the last chapter, God requires that we humble ourselves. He tells us to strip ourselves of any pretense and any false bravado, any strength that comes from ourselves.
"My grace is sufficient for you," says the Lord, "My power is made perfect in weakness."
What is holding you back today?
What causes you anger or anxiety or resentment?
Is there anything you're holding onto because you want to do it your way?
I am learning that when I give up my desire for control, that's when I feel most at peace and most confident.
If I don't know where I'm going, be sure I will follow the guy with the map.
Jesus has the map.
He's telling us that He's got this.
Whatever it is we're afraid of: loss, harm, sickness, injury, pain, humility...
We will never feel peace until we hand over control of the outcome to Him.
Pray with me?
Father, too often, we are so stuck in wanting to do things our own way. Please forgive us for doubting You. Please forgive us for going off the trail You have already blazed for us. Please give us confidence and trust in You. I pray that You will give peace and comfort to those going through loss. I pray that You will consume them with Your presence and Your peace. I pray that You will give them assurance that even though they don't know where they are going--or maybe even where they are--that You do. Letting go and letting You lead is the only way to arrive. Thank You so much for caring for us and for understanding that we, as humans, are so limited with our trust and understanding at times. In Jesus' name, Amen.
*Are you struggling with anxiety, worry or fear? Please feel free to reach out to me by email mandyp {at} suburbanstereotype {dot} com. I struggle with anxiety so badly, but as I have written this series, it as alleviated so much. God is teaching me that He is the answer for my anxiety.
Sometimes professional intervention is necessary. There is no shame in seeking help. Click HERE for a list of resources.