CHAPTER 4
MY ANXIETY
That day as I was taking in the morning sun and hoping this man who called God His Father would come to pray under my branches again, I looked below and saw a group of men walking up the trail below me. Was it Him—I hoped so? I rejoiced at the thought of learning more about what this man had to say to His Father. “I hope and pray that He is feeling better today,” I thought.
I couldn’t get Him off my mind. He was so burdened last night. I hardly slept a wink thinking about Him and the agony He was in. I could not figure out why His Father would not help Him this time. His Father had always helped Him before. “Why not this time?” I wondered. I kept thinking about Him and His dilemma, wondering if His Father would show up. I tried to think of a way I could help Him, but I failed again.
As the men drew closer, I could see that it wasn’t Him at all, but a band of men in uniforms carrying axes. My heart sank within me. I began thinking they were coming for me so my destiny could be fulfilled. I wondered what was happening. “What are they going to use me for?” I thought. “What will I be when they get done with me?” Whatever it was going to be, I had a feeling that I would be famous.
“Will I be something useful as my other relatives were? Will I serve mankind to the best of my ability? Oh no, what if they just want to use me as firewood?” I thought. “Will I be burned to ashes? Will my family even know where I am or what happened to me?” I wondered.
Many thoughts raced through my mind, but most of them were negative. A few of them were positive. After all, I had not obeyed the counsel of my father and stayed true to my calling. I had become bitter with mankind.
I had stopped producing the fruit the Creator had given me to share with humans. I had stopped producing fruit and chose to do my own thing. I wanted to be in control of my own life. I didn’t want anybody telling me what I should do, how I should do it, or when I should do it. I had become an outcast, and the olives on my branches were very bitter and dry. I had failed miserably in life.
Yet, I still had hope that somehow I could still be of some use to humanity. Maybe I could still serve in the Temple of God. If not there, maybe they would put me in the Holy place – or even in the Holy of Holies. However, that was just a hope and a dream that came to me for one fleeting moment. I had gone too far.
All hope was gone when I thought about how I had disgraced my father and disobeyed his advice. I had let a root of bitterness bring forth bitter fruit which condemned me to an everlasting punishment. When I realized there was no more hope for me, I wept bitterly.
Nevertheless, as the men drew nearer I held my branches out as far as they could reach. I thought If I stand as tall as I can and look as plentiful as I can, maybe I can fool them into thinking I am a good tree and mankind will honor me and allow me to serve them in a productive way. I hoped against hope, searching within myself for a glimmer of hope, but could find none.
“That one will do,” I heard one of the Soldiers say. He was talking about ME. I had fooled them somehow! “Maybe I am not as bad as I thought I was,” I hoped. After all, these men weren’t just paupers—they were Roman Soldiers. They were important people, who retained a lot of authority. I thought maybe I was to spend the rest of my days in the Governor’s House.
A million thoughts ran through my mind. I was about to fulfill my destiny, and OH, WHAT A DESTINY it was going to be! Yet, I still had no clue as to what I would be doing or where I would be living. What would be my purpose? I wondered if I would be serving mankind with my relatives or with other friends I once knew on the mountain. There were so many questions to be answered.
The anxiety was almost too much to bear. Again, thoughts of being thrown into the fire plagued me, and I could not shake them. Many thoughts came and went as they cut deep into my trunk with their axes. The pain of the axes cutting away at my trunk was excruciating, but I just knew it would be worth it all to fulfill my destiny on earth. At one moment there would be joy--the next moment there was unbearable pain. Then I was plagued with mixed feelings brought on by the doubt I had about my future. Where would I end up and what would I be?
It didn’t take long for them to cut through my heart, and into my deepest parts. I heard a loud crack, and I started feeling dizzy. I felt like I was going to faint. Then I fell, crashing to the ground. Many of my branches were broken as I hit the ground. Again the pain was almost unbearable. However, it didn’t match the pain which I had felt before when the cruel men had broken off my branches and cut on me for no reason at all. “At least this time my pain and suffering was going to be for a good reason,” I hoped.
The Soldiers then tied some heavy ropes around me and hooked them to a couple of oxen they had brought up the mountain with them. One of the Soldiers gave a loud shout, and down the side of the mountain we went. They were ever so careful not to go too fast and risk the danger of having me shake loose from the ropes and go tumbling down the side of the mountain.
At the bottom of the mountain they hacked off all my branches and placed me on a large cart. Then they rolled the cart into the City through one of the Gates. I had heard someone say before that this Gate was known as the “Judgment Gate,” but I didn’t understand what judgment really meant. I did know that many men were brought out of this Gate and crucified on the Hill just outside the Judgment Gate.
From there I was taken to a Carpenter Shop where they laid me on the ground next to a bench near the back door of the Shop. As I laid there I looked up and saw two crucifixes leaning up against a rock outside the Carpenter’s Shop. My heart went out to the two crucifixes. I had known them when they were trees upon the mountain, but I didn’t know what had happened to them. They had been treated badly by men themselves.
They too had become bitter just like I had.
They weren’t Olive Trees like me, but I really didn’t think they deserved to be instruments of cruelty and death. They were not really bad trees, they just had a bad life just like I had. “They are two of the unlucky ones,” I thought. They had been chosen to be instruments, even symbols of death. They were to be used to help destroy life instead of being a comfort and help to mankind. They were going to be used as instruments of destruction and death.
As I laid there for what seemed like hours, I kept contemplating my fate. I was beginning to wonder if they had forgotten about me when suddenly the door of the Shop opened and the Carpenter came out with tools in his hands.
As he started cutting on me, I tried to forget about the excruciating pain I was feeling. It was much like the pain I had felt when the cruel people had broken my branches off and cut on me when I was trying to produce good fruit in the past. Again, the pain was almost unbearable, but I hoped my destiny would be worth all the pain I had to endure.
The Carpenter worked and sawed on me for hours. I closed my eyes and tried to rest as the Carpenter did his handy work on me, but the pain was too great for me to rest. I could tell he was a skilled craftsman though, and I knew he was doing a good job on me.