On my way driving to Daytona Beach, I flipped out again - weary, stressed. The devil is getting on my nerves. I haven't had sleep for 48 hours. I had doubts, wondered if God loved me. I was a little upset with HIM.
Isa reminded me that when I call for God, HE ALWAYS answers me.
I wondered if that meant that I should accept what was happening to me (emotional). He means that God is always there and sometimes we have to be there too.
I cussed it vulgarly and unladylike-ly for literally an hour – maybe more - then all was quiet. Made it to Daytona, but while on 95-S it just went at my left nipple. Felt very real, tongue and all. Freaked me out really bad. I had to clench both breasts in my hands to get him off. Got off at an exit for gas and it attached to my breast again. I was very, very upset – started to scream and cry and curse and almost went off the road. I’m pretty sure that was done purposefully – running me off the road attempt.
I felt very helpless and very upset to the point of shaking, near dizzy, light- headed. The morning before, God asked me to stop cursing which I didn’t fret about. I curse like a sailor but so did the prophet Isaiah. About an hour before this particular molesting happened, God again asked me to stop cursing and I said I would work on it, but when it touched me I went off again. It was terrible.
Every day for nearly two months with him is taking its toll. I get reprieves – let me say that - but he consistently asks me the same questions over and over. And he's very strangely curious about Isa. Isa says enemy. But the devil asks questions and is suggestive to the point of having an unclean interest in Him. Plus, he’s disgusting.
He needs to be exposed. Isa has repeatedly told me not to talk to him. I guess I finally got it.
The pattern I’ve been noticing is if God or Isa says something to me, he comes right behind them and keeps talking like he’s them and I respond, which is very annoying to me when I realize I'm talking to him. God told me long time ago to listen to what is being said before I speak. The problem is that he’ll feed off a random thought. One minute I'm making a mental dollar store list then next thing I know I’m answering questions and talking or arguing at it.
And it will start off with “This is your father, God” or “Isa speaking”. They never introduce themselves each time they speak to me but it still took me awhile to catch on.
In my room taking a shower and God repeats to me what the hotel clerk said about not smoking in my non-smoking room and tells me that the man was serious about the $50 charge (HE knows that I would’ve lit a Newport on demand). About 15 minutes later, here comes the voice prompting me to smoke. Immediately, God reminds me to heed what HE told me. So here’s it not only playing imposter – as God - but he will also come right behind God and try to take advantage. It wants to kill me. I want it away from me.
God took me from the gutter, closed my legs, gave me love, companionship, guidance. I am very hurt by this. It’s been several days since I’ve been touched this boldly. When I complain it relents. But I don’t like to complain to God because like I said before, I just can’t see God being with me – helping me all that time, sending Isa to help me, keeping me fed, clothed, housed, money in my pocket, saying HE loves me – I hear HIM say this, I feel it in my heart – only to throw me away?
I don’t see it. Then I think about Job and Jesus and Stephen who was stoned – I don’t know. Of course God will help us but sometimes we have to trust HIM through craziness. I’m not frightened, but repulsed.
When this is read, I hope each individual takes some thing from this memoir that they can use. That’s why it’s here.
Yes, I love my Deity. I sleep well.