Background
Meet Harper - a 38-year-old carpenter with long blond hair. 6ft 4in, slim with amazing Pacific blue eyes. I liked his profile from the beginning. Usually not my type, but who would decline a date with Leonardo DiCaprio’s secret surfer twin? He seemed sweet, sincere and family-orientated. The catch: he had two young children. Plus, he wasn’t a Londoner; he was living in Birmingham and was just occasionally working in the big smoke.
Bianca tried to persuade me to ignore him, because of the battle for his children’s custody with his ex-wife, which was horribly complicated and far from being sexy. I did not want the drama, but eventually, I figured - why not? Dating was just supposed to be fun.
First contact
After a few emails and a phone call from Harper, I learned that he could speak French (great bonus!), his father was living in France and he had two brothers and a sister. I liked his attitude on the phone; he was a bit of a prankster, which made me laugh. He seemed trustworthy, honest and was not just trying to be nice – he seemed to genuinely be a good guy. But he had asked me to be patient with him if I wanted something serious. All because of this awful battle for custody that he was embroiled in.
His complicated legal troubles didn’t really tempt me to continue at first, but I decided to look on the bright side - I could speak to him and date other men at the same time – Bianca’s style!
Virtual dates
Bianca’s love-style would certainly not include virtual dates, however. I began a different kind of relationship with Harper and our first date was on Skype. Who would have thought that a date on Skype required even more preparation than a real date?? It is an art. Select the location of the laptop, pay attention to the background, arrange the lights, check how you look on screen, put on the right make-up, dress-up in all your finery etc. It was like dressing a film set.
The call came. I picked up. We analysed each other, checking if we looked like our pictures. This was followed by a few awkward seconds, then we finally started talking. It was weird; the virtual date had the same malaise of a real one, but without the glass of wine (well mine was hidden). On that first night, we had a blast for two whole hours.
During our second virtual date, we teased each other, we laughed and we called ourselves by our family names, which were replaced promptly by “Monsieur Roast Beef” and “Madame La Frog”. It was very sweet and genuine. I loved those secret moments between us, we were exactly on the same wavelength. I really started to like this guy and even the whole virtual date thing.
Despite being “virtual dates”, the same sorts of feelings were brought to my heart as “real dates”. I recall one time when I was stood-up by Harper for a Skype date...Oh my, I assure you, I experienced the same feeling of desolation that I would have in real life. The disappointment seized my whole body! After so much preparation for this date and then it didn’t happen. I packed up everything. I turned off my laptop, switched off the lights, washed my teeth, undressed and finally - going to bed sulking - I removed myself from the surface of planet earth.
The next morning, Harper made his “sorry” call: he had not slept at all, as he had spent the night in the emergency room at the hospital, thinking his daughter had appendicitis. Thankfully it was just a nasty infection. Fair enough, I thought. I hoped it was the first and last time. I did not need a second Adrian and wouldn’t tolerate this again.
Over time, our virtual dates became more frequent. We were talking until late into the night both on weekdays and the weekends. I was starting to really become attached to Harper despite my dates with Nathan, the other man I was dating at the same time (Bianca-style remember?). Harper was expressive, passionate, friendly, cheerful and handsome. And his surfer’s look... Well, we all like a Harper look.
I loved our relationship: each compliment was like a caress on my face, a smile from him was like a kiss on the cheek. It had such fresh momentum and I had butterflies in my stomach before every Skype call.
We began to really know each other. He knew that if I did not reply to his morning text before 9am, I was running late for work. He knew when I went jogging, or even the dates of some of my important business meetings - reminding me to prepare documentation. Wow! He had such a good memory, he could have been my personal assistant.
One night, he asked me if I wanted to come to Birmingham for our first date. He apologised for the sudden request, but he explained that with the children, a trip to London would be more difficult to organise and it would take ages for us to meet. He said that he couldn’t wait anymore. I was not sure if I really wanted to see him in Birmingham at first. I strongly thought that if he really wanted to see me, he would find a way. I offered to think about it, but I think he understood my point.
For my part, I would consult with my friends to get their views.
Bianca did not fail to tell me how exhausted I looked and that I needed to stop these late virtual dates. She added bossily that I needed to pull myself together. I was not going to attract anyone with the second pair of eyes below my beautiful ones.
Camellia was almost speechless, and it was a little scary. I imagined that she was thinking the same thing as Bianca.
I knew what I had to do.
I skyped Harper a few days later and I was not comfortable at all. I was at my worst: awkward, almost deaf and dumb. I couldn’t even speak English anymore. I still had Bianca’s and Camellia’s faces and the venom of Bianca’s words in my head. Plus, I was just back from a date with Nathan and I really felt like I was cheating on him. I wondered if it wasn’t time to ‘virtually break-up’ with Harper. I really didn’t want to though… That Skype call was the shortest we ever had.
I ended up mastering my thoughts enough by our next Skype call, and we had a relatively good date. I had grown very fond of Harper and truly wanted to see him. In fact, I wasn’t sure I could wait anymore… and that's when he announced that he was coming to London at the end of May to see a football game! He wanted to have a coffee date with me. I couldn’t have been happier. This was going to be real and I was delighted! But the end of May seemed like in an eternity away.
Pre-date
I really liked Harper by this point: his little cares and his jokes. We listened to music together, we watched shows together via Skype, and we even played “Who’s Bluffing?” together. We started to have a “real” virtual married life. It was almost too comfortable.
After a few long weeks, our first real date was upon us. I could not wait to see him and was hoping there would be some real physical chemistry between us. I was already seeing myself touching, kissing and genuinely starting to love him.
The date
Monday 27th May - I had waited for this date for an eternity! I could not wait to finally meet Harper. But I already had plans to spend Sunday to Monday with Nathan. Oui, Bianca’s style! So, here I was on Monday at 3am, tossing and turning around in the small space that was mine in Nathan’s bed in Chiswick - desperately impatient to meet another man. I couldn’t sleep properly, waking up every half hour. I wondered if it would be rude to leave that late at night. This went on for quite a long time...
6am, now and I was getting mad. I was being silly; I wasn’t seeing Harper until 6pm and for now I was in another man’s bed. I finally managed to get to sleep…
7:30am my alarm rang! Shit! I had forgotten to turn it off. As I got out of bed and checked if I had a text from Harper - nothing! No news! Good news! I tried to go back to bed alongside Nathan. I got another two hours and I decided to get up, because my stomach cried out loud for food.
This is when Nathan got up to use the toilet with an erection that instantly excited me. I suddenly wanted to stay but my phone beeped, signalling that I probably had another emergency to manage: it was Harper.
In a few minutes, I was dressed and had gathered my things and I had one foot out of Nathan’s door, when I got another text from Harper. This time he was asking to meet at 11am instead of 6pm, because the football game was likely to extend!
What????? I was panicking. It was now 9:50am and I had to get home first. I couldn’t be dressed in clothes, which probably still smelled of Nathan’s penis! Plus, my make-up was a day old. Yuck!
I caught a cab home, charged my phone, booked a cab, took a shower, picked my clothes, packed my make-up, and was trying to dry my hair when the taxi called me. He was already at my door and I was still looking for my shoes. I left the apartment looking like a junk shop and I was late. I arrived at Baker Street at 11:13am and there were Crystal Palace fans everywhere. It was madness! But the sun was shining and the weather was beautiful. It was a promising romantic afternoon.
I called Harper upon my arrival, but we could hardly hear each other with all the yelling and chanting. To make things even worse, the reception on both of our phones was terrible. We laughed at the ordeal over the phone, yet we couldn’t locate each other. We were disconnected, reconnected, disconnected, disconnected. When he finally called me back successfully, all I could make out were the words ‘HSBC building’. I could see the building from where I was, and we finally managed to find a place to meet.
Our eyes met, I removed my large Prada sunglasses and I was twitterpated. I felt like I was seeing him for the first time. We were mesmerized by one another, intimidated by one another, and in admiration of each other. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it was long enough for my heart to start racing. Wow, he was handsome...and tall. I wanted to kiss him instantly…
We got a little closer and he gave me two kisses on the cheek - very conservative. We stayed still for maybe two minutes, just looking at each other. Then we finally stopped smiling at each other long enough to talk for 15 minutes, all amongst thousands of drunken fans singing and heading towards the surrounding pubs. The atmosphere was very festive. We decided to go to a discreet little café.
There, after a few mutual compliments, we started talking as if we were already a loving couple. It was fluid, natural, and fresh. But just as the date got going - that was it! It was time for him to go. I felt that our date had lasted only five minutes, yet we had been together for two hours.
He promised he would try to meet me after the match, but he was so pleased to see me that he seemed to want to stay too. He was undecided for so long that it became almost awkward. Eventually, he started hesitantly to leave, but I could see he still didn’t want to. I nodded and looked away. When I looked back he was gone and I was left alone in the café, dreaming of our next meeting.
I went home as soon as the fatigue began to take hold of me. But throughout the afternoon, emotion began to overwhelm me to the point where I felt like I was suffocating. I was shaking, I wanted to faint, eat and puke, all at the same time. Those few minutes with Harper had really affected me. I wished that I could see him for a bit longer, or touch him again. And that longed-for kiss that never happened… What were Harper and I to each other exactly? Friends? Why didn’t we kiss? What about the romance??
I was not finished asking myself these questions, but at that point, on that day - I felt as flat as a pancake, frying under the sun on my terrace.
Post-date
I was thinking about Harper constantly. I was completely blown-away by his beauty and I already appreciated his personality. He was a great dresser: simple, sleek, and chic, just as I like. And he had a gentle tan that was quite lovely. I really, really liked him, even though our first meeting had been furtive. The only thing I regretted was the lack of a kiss. I should have kissed him when I had the chance. It would have helped me to evaluate my attraction to him before going further.
It was frustrating - I felt like I had a chocolate bar that I was only allowed to nibble at. Nevertheless, I desperately wanted to see him again and the sooner the better. Would I be strong enough to maintain another long-distance relationship? I had a bad taste in my mouth (called Adrian) at the thought of it.
Pre-date number two
The previous weeks had been great; our virtual dates had made us more and more intimate. He introduced me to his favourite boxing fighter (wow, the guy was fit!) and I showed him my collection of lingerie.
One evening however, while I was with Nathan, I got a text from Harper. The text was inviting me to meet him in Nice for two days for the Tour de France. My heart jumped guiltily while reading it, I was supposed to be having a date with Nathan.
I just answered "Nice”. I did not know what else to reply. This was not the first time I had been promised a holiday by one of my dates, so I was on my guard. And what if we were to ruin the relationship by going on holiday together too soon? I didn’t know him that well after all, and I would have liked to have met him a few more times before going on holiday together.
The next day on Skype, Harper rushed to apologise for texting about Nice. But by then, I was no longer uncomfortable about it and his decision to take it off the table made me rather upset. I suddenly asked him, ‘Why are you apologising?’
I wondered if he had maybe been drunk when he suggested the trip to Nice, or maybe he had simply changed his mind and he had realised that he did not really like me that much.
But when he replied, he said it was because I didn’t show any enthusiasm about the idea, so he had concluded that it did not appeal to me. He wanted to apologise, particularly as it was perhaps a bit premature to ask.
And there, a great relief invaded my heart. I was not afraid anymore and I really wanted to go with him to Nice. The Tour de France was in two months and it allowed us the opportunity to meet again a few times. Plus, I knew I definitely wouldn’t get bored in Nice, so I happily accepted the offer. We were both very excited.
I joked that his invitation to Nice was a smart way to get me into his bed. He went the shade of a tomato and added he was going to behave. I told him that I didn’t know if I could behave myself, having a charming young man like him next to me…
The days passed and we had more and more virtual dates. We were talking almost every other day and I was falling a little more for him with each, and every, Skype call. He became more and more present in my life and we became virtually affectionate, romantic and caring for each other. Although we were only video calling, he was almost more present than my real- life dates.
Harper began to send me texts saying he was falling in love with me...that he felt really attached to me and that I was the most important person in his life (except for his kids). I replied with smiles, I pretended not to understand… those feelings were true for me too, but I did not know how to answer these texts, when I had only really met him once. Things were not making sense to me.
Skype, Skype, and some more Skype…
We talked about our families, our fears, our childhood dreams and our ambitions. We even exchanged childhood pictures. We spent some magnificent moments together, even though we were physically apart. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about those tender moments and it still puts a smile on my face.
When we didn’t have our chats, I’d miss him. It was all just virtual, but the sore heart, the laughter and joy were so real. Since my divorce, I had not shared such magical moments with anybody and my heart was blossoming.
He inspired me to be myself and I felt I could be completely natural with him - I could be myself without being ashamed. I would be silly, I would dance. Then we would talk politics, religion and marriage...
It was wonderful to share so many emotions and such cultured conversations before sharing our bed. We knew each other very well by then; we were deeply connected. The chemistry was there and the raw sexual attraction too. I felt that we were more than ready to have sex.
But Harper had more serious matters to deal with at that point: the court would finally conclude who would have sole custody of his children and he was very stressed during the days leading up to the court date. I had been waiting for this for months. Finally, he would be able to resume his life and come to visit me in London. I knew he would get custody and I comforted him - he was a great father, he had nothing to worry about. He was also eager to end all this, because then he could hire a permanent au pair and spend more time with me.
And so it was - Madame La Frog and Monsieur Roast Beef developed a beautiful and genuine relationship after five months of virtual dating and one brief encounter. Soon will begin a great love story…
Celebrations
Thursday 3pm - I received a call from Harper. The judge had granted him sole custody of his children! He was so pleased and reassured. His joy was so contagious that I almost wept for him.
This is when, for the first time, he vocally expressed his feelings for me: ‘Valérie,’ he sounded drop-dead serious, but I thought I also detected a hint of excitement in his voice, ‘the messages I sent you, they were real, I am falling for you.’
My heart vibrated so much that I was sure my body actually swelled. I was exhilarated and I wanted to kiss him so badly that I just blurted it out: ‘I want to see you, I want to kiss you, I profoundly want you.’
‘It’s all about you, Val’, his voice was soft and sensual in my ear ‘your voice, your skin, your smile, what you tell me of your family. I just love your whole personality…and that accent…’ he didn’t finish that part, but I got his point.
Harper continued, ‘I want to be part of all this. I want to start a real relationship with you. You have to come to Birmingham this weekend. I love you, La Frog.’ he ended with a smile in his voice.
I was almost crying. I couldn't find the words to reply to such a declaration of love. All I knew was that my heart reacted violently to his words and I knew I had to go to Birmingham that weekend.
Date No.2
I was so excited that I didn’t sleep at all on that Friday night. But curiously, when I woke up, my face was glowing with happiness and I felt beautiful.
My train wasn’t until 9:30am, but I was already awake at 5am. It was far too early to leave, so I watched silly stuff on YouTube for a while. Then I read, I danced, tried different clothes on… the time didn’t seem to move and I couldn’t wait!
The time to leave finally arrived and once in the cab, I started daydreaming of Harper kissing and touching me, then making delicate love to me. I could sense it all, as if it were real. I wondered how he would kiss me - tongue or no tongue? How would he undress me - savagely or delicately? Would it be passionate or romantic, or perhaps both? I even started imagining our relationship in the real world. The friendship was already perfect, the chemistry was indescribable, so the love and the sex were very promising. Oh god, I wanted that man so badly!
And my thoughts began to wander to my first love, Eddy. I cheated on him whilst I was studying in Australia, despite the promise we both made to stay faithful to each other and get married upon my return to France. Then I thought about Chris: my first official fiancé. I cheated on him too. This time, we were living two hundred kilometres away from each other.
I started to see a pattern in my experience with this long-distance thing.
Finally, there was of course Adrian - the worst and probably the most hurtful long-distance relationship I ever had in my life. I didn’t cheat on him, but I couldn’t seem to manage that relationship properly either.
In addition to this, I could not help imagining Harper battling with his ex-wife every day over the phone. Maybe she would hate me for being part of his life? Or now that he had full custody, maybe she would resent me for being more present in her kids’ day-to-day lives than her. I started to wish that she had got custody instead; at least then Harper would have to start a new family with me and he wouldn’t have to have much to do with her anymore. This last thought was very selfish of me and I knew it.
I started panicking…was I really ready for all this? Would I ever be ready?
By the time the cab arrived at Euston Station, I was feeling very down. My eyes were blurred and I felt like there was some sort of fog in front of me. Nothing was clear. I went to my platform and sat on a bench in front of the train.
Harper texted me <Can’t wait to see you, my love. Hope you’re not late. >
I looked at my train, I heard the departure announcement…and I let the train go without me.
Tears ran down my face as the train left the platform. I shut down my mobile, left the train station and walked home, which took a good hour. It was raining, which was great because it hid the tears on my face… I couldn’t help thinking, why? Why did I do this to myself? And to Harper? I had no explanation for this. It wasn’t because my feelings for him weren’t real - I loved Harper, he was my light of love and he illuminated my spring…
I stayed imprisoned at home for that whole weekend. I didn’t switch on my mobile until Monday morning. That is when I called the ladies for a reunion; I needed to talk to my friends.
Conclusion
I treated Harper just like Adrian had treated me. I stood him up without notice, despite all the promises of love and I wasn’t proud. It took me around a month to pull myself together enough to reach out to him to apologise, but it was too late. He blocked me in every way possible: Facebook, Skype, phone calls, texts…
Now I think it was better that way. I would not have had the heart to talk to him and explain the unexplainable. I felt sick thinking about his diatribe of me, but I accepted my lot. It was over. I have struggled to forgive myself ever since.
I missed our Skype calls for a long time, but I made a choice and I would live with it.
I will always think of Harper as the virtual lover, who troubled my heart like no one else, but I think it was time for a Next!