Background

After so many disastrous dates through Match.com, I finally decided to follow Camellia’s advice and try the website she had suggested back at the start of my adventures. According to her, every year more than three hundred couples met and married each other thanks to eHarmony.com. Not that I wanted to get married again any time soon, but I did want a sound and long-lasting relationship with a nice guy.

For those of you who don’t know, eHarmony is a website that uses a scientific approach to matching singles. It matches people based on features of compatibility such as values, psychological traits and personal preferences. This was a tiny bit scary for me, because if I were matched with a psycho, I would have to seriously review my own mental health!

As I signed up, I was determined not to be as superficial as before, particularly not to judge suitors by their pictures. I had learned that I needed to take everything that I saw or read with a big pinch of salt anyway – bios and photos could be easily manipulated, or they could be outright lies.

My first match was Billy - forty year-old (he claims, I thought to myself), 5ft 10in (which probably means 5ft 9in or maybe even 5ft 8in if he is a super liar), the CEO of his own music production company (yeah, right), he had children and wasn’t sure if he wanted to have any more (how could I have been matched with him??)

But he said that he was a romantic and longed for a long-term passionate relationship. Voilà!

Pre – date

I spoke with him over the phone and he sounded very nice, but I still didn’t know what to expect from our date. All I knew was what he had put on his eHarmony profile: he was forty, he worked in the music industry (j’adore!) and he lived in Chiswick, which was quite close to my neighbourhood.

At least they were all good points.

It was almost a blind date, because Billy’s profile pictures were all blurred. I had practically no idea what I was getting myself into. But weirdly, I was cool with that. Remember? No shallow attitude anymore.

The Date

Billy told me that he hated making ladies wait, so he said he would call me around 8pm to confirm an exact time for later that day. Apparently, he had a very important meeting and he wasn’t sure how long it would last. When he called me at 8pm, it was to say that we would be meeting in Earl’s Court at 9pm.

We both arrived smack-bang on time, with big polite smiles on our faces. We respectfully kissed each other on both cheeks (à la Française), but at first sight, I was not impressed at all. I didn’t know how I had missed this one big detail - he was blonde. I couldn’t figure out what had happened to cause it, but he had a rash on his face. Bless him! Maybe it is vanity on my part, but if I had developed a skin condition such as his before a big date, I would have postponed and treated that shit! But, I reminded myself, I was a new woman now - no judging on appearances and no more shallowness! So, I busied myself by focusing on his nicer features: Billy was slim, with nice hands and he had beautiful bright blue eyes. We went into one of the pubs that I used to go to with Adrian - The Prince of Teck - to grab a drink.

I had to admit that based on our interests and preferences, eHarmony matched us well. I felt that we were so compatible on that level, that it was uncanny. But I wasn’t so sure about his character, and I really didn’t like his appearance. I couldn’t help judging him based on looks a little, it was still important that I found my partner attractive.

Billy told me that this was the first time that he had been happy with a match from eHarmony, because the other girls he had met were either unattractive or desperate. I think this was supposed to make me feel special, but all it did was show me that he was even shallower than me.

Despite my misgivings, the date went fantastically well. I laughed so much at one point, I thought I might collapse! He also assuaged my worries about some parts of his profile that I hadn’t been so sure about. Billy explained that there was a mistake on it (or I had read it wrong) - he had no children but wanted to at some point (phew!). He told me that he loved traveling, he played cricket, he hated beer (unusual for a British man), but he loved football. In fact, he claimed that he participated enormously in many sporting events (we will surely get on well, I thought at that).

In the end, it was a cool evening, very cool.

Billy kissed me politely again, but this time on the lips, and I went home with a big smile on my face. He was so thoughtful that he texted me to ask if I got home okay. I liked this kind of attention. Bonus points for Billy!

Post-date

Billy was one of those guys I needed to see again to better appreciate his physical appearance. He was not my type at all, but I really enjoyed his company. He was funny, smart and seemed to be genuinely looking for a relationship. He might be exactly what I needed.

I decided to see him again, hungry to know more about him.

Date No.2

As before, we didn’t set a time in advance for our date – he said he would contact me. So 8:30pm, he calls me (he was apparently just leaving the office) and twenty minutes later, I was heading to Earl’s Court again, for my second date with Billy.

We met in a local pub, and before I knew it, we were chatting away again - talking about anything and everything. We even discussed wedding stuff! It didn’t scare me as much as I thought it would; it was nice that he was interested in marrying me. And according to Billy – I had never had a real wedding anyway. He joked that a Las Vegas wedding didn’t count. I learned that he could dance, which is so sexy. I love a man who can dance. He could speak a bit of French (his accent was wonderful, it turned me on), which he did while reiterating that he wanted a proper relationship with me. All of this was very promising…

The rest of the date was splendid. I discovered so much about him, I really liked him as a person and I thought that I could very possibly fall in love with him. Well-done, eHarmony, I thought.

Midnight - the pub had to close, so we both headed to the tube station. We kissed goodbye with long, real French kisses. It was exquisite...I had never felt so aroused. I could feel his energy all through my body, and his penis hard against my leg. By the time we parted ways, I was dizzy and shaking. Wow, he was going to be a great lover.

Sexual attraction had begun and now I couldn’t wait to have sex with him.

Post – date No.2

Billy called me later that night to say that he was smitten too. He said that he wanted to see more of me, that I was beautiful, sexy and funny. He was addicted, and he couldn’t stop thinking about me.

I didn’t tell him, but that night I felt the same way. I had been fantasising about being in his arms, kissing him, the smell of him… Everything about him made me shiver. I remember thinking that this could be the beginning of a great love story.

The following day, he called me again and asked if I was free that same night. I very much wanted to see him again to have more of those delicious kisses, so I accepted. Billy threw me off a bit when he asked for my personal address; I generally hate it when people invite themselves to mine. But I wanted to test him. I know it was naughty of me, but I wanted to see if he was enough of a gentleman to make this next date at mine really special.

After all, he had claimed he was a romantic, but I hadn’t seen any proper romance from him so far.

Date No.3

8pm, I buzzed Billy in to my apartment. He literally jumped on me, kissing me for at least half an hour. But for some reason, the more he kissed me, the more his kisses lost their fire. From there, things happened very fast. The next thing I knew, he had his penis in me. He screwed me as if I was a Japanese sex doll - the sex was rough, mechanical and boring. 10pm, missionary, in and out, in and out, in and out. Done. We had a few repeats at 11:30pm. Well, I desperately wanted to enjoy myself too: midnight, 2am, 3am... Still, no chemistry like there had been in our first kisses. The passion and the energy were gone. We had ruined it.

To add more misery to my night, he stayed until 9am that morning. He probably would have stayed even longer, had I not kicked him out! I didn’t just ask him to leave my apartment, as far as I was concerned, I had kicked him out of my life.

Billy sent me a few messages to meet again, but I gently declined all invites. When he wasn’t getting anywhere with simple invites, he apologised that he had “scared me with his love and affection.” He thought he knew me so well! I just ignored those texts.

I wasn’t interested in him anymore. I was out!

Six Months Later…

Billy tried to connect with me again. He sent me text messages, trying to understand what had happened. But did I really need to explain myself? Should I have told him that he fucked the relationship by fucking me too fast? Maybe I should have said that if I had wanted to be banged by a rampant rabbit that I would have stuck with my dildo.

No, I just ignored him.

Eight Months Later…

Ignoring him didn’t work; Billy insisted that I see him to give him a clear explanation. I could have predicted that it would be a waste of time. This meeting became a dialogue between two deaf people.

I let Billy begin: “I was so heartbroken when you decided to cut ties,” he said. “I didn’t understand and I still don’t.”

I explained as politely as I could. “Well, I think we went a little bit too fast. And we should have shared more real experiences together before…”

“Yes, I know...” he interrupted me, “I scared you with my words of love and my desire to have children. I can imagine that might have frightened you.”

I tried to correct him, “Not really, it's more that...”

Again, he stopped me before I could finish. “I didn’t mean to scare you, but I fell in love and may have stepped on the accelerator a little too fast.”

Shit, Billy kept talking about love! How could I let him know that the main reason for me ending things was because he was a bad shag? I tried anyway, “No, it's really not that, I...”

He broke in again, pleading with me, “Have we not spent wonderful moments together??”

Aargh! Billy just would not stop – it was as if he was deliberately stopping me from talking, afraid of what I actually had to say. “I loved kissing you and having sex with you. It was just mind-blowing that night...so sensual and passionate.”

Over the past months, I had been worried that my attitude about Billy had been all wrong. Maybe he wasn’t so bad? But this conversation proved to me that I didn’t have an attitude problem, he clearly had a perception problem. How had he not noticed that I had been bored that night? We had a very different definition of “mind-blowing” that was for sure.

I decided not to mention anything in the end; Billy seemed desperate to cling to his own rose-tinted memory of that night and he probably wouldn’t understand anyway. I left and decided to avoid any contact with him once again.

A Few Months After That…

I received a shy "hello" from Billy in the form of a text, which I thoroughly ignored. I guessed he was still single. His text made me smile as I remembered him as the unbridled randy rabbit.

Billy could make the right woman’s dreams come true – if those dreams involved being roughly pumped away at like a Japanese sex doll… Next!