My name is Burn and I’ve never been a size eight.
I’m almost seventeen, I like cigarettes, Rocky Road ice cream, Friday afternoons, vodka and orange juice, my iPhone and I crave heartache, heartbreak, love sickness and all the stuff that goes with falling in love and being in love, because… it’s so goddamn romantic!
Bella and Edward – now that’s the love I dream of. Simply can’t wait for the day I get to experience that kind of love and all that comes with it.
I suck at math, I diet every single Monday morning to Wednesday lunch time, I spend most Saturday nights dateless and catching up with laundry or shaving my legs just in case I get asked out, and, I don’t like Beyoncé.
Why? Because she is so beautiful and perfect and I’m not. Am I jealous of her?
Duh!
She’s friggin’ perfect. I mean, ever seen her drunk like a skunk, or should I say, drunk like Mariah at an awards evening? Nooo.
Ever heard of her having a public war of words with Kelly Osborne like Christina did?
Of course not!
Ever seen her showing her vijajay like Brittany Bitch? No.
Ever seen her steal someone’s husband like Angelina did? Hell no.
‘Great’ is the word. I mean, she’s a great singer, she looks great, she has a great husband, she has great parents, she has a great sister, she’s got great friends, she has a great career, she’s got a great clothing line, she’s got a great ass and she’s got great self-esteem. How do I know that she has great self-esteem?
’Cause she lets Jay-Z work with Rihanna and Alicia Keys. Puhleese! If Jay-Z was my husband, I’d only allow him to work with Joan Collins, Betty White and Ellen Degeneres. Maybe Rosie O’ Donnell as well.
But wait, there’s more – she has an adorable baby girl called Blue Ivy Carter.
Carter? Like President Carter? Trust her to pick a husband with the surname of a president.
And, unlike Posh, she got her baby girl with her first try!
She’s not real, I tell you. I think she’s the second most amazing Disney cartoon ever created. (The first is Joan Rivers and the third is Nene.)
Anyho, nuff about me and my jealous rants about Ms. Beyoncé Knowles Perfect Carter. Allow me to introduce you to the many facets of my average, if not boring life.
First there’s my fucked up school. (I believe that school is only there because juvenile halls are overcrowded.)
Sorry, I digress. Walk with me and you’ll see what I mean.
Keep up now!
****
“So Fung Chin, how often do you shave?” Bud McGraw asks.
Fung Chin is our Chinese exchange student and Bud only talks to him when he wants to make fun of him, so all our ears are pricked knowing that a joke is on its way.
“Eh,” Fung Chin looks to the left of the ceiling, drums on his desk with his fingers, looks to the right of the ceiling and says, “Maybe, I shave three day…?” He nods several times. “Three day, yes! I shave three day.”
“Reeeally? Every three days, Fungus?” Bud nods almost pleasantly. “And your face?”
Laughter all around the classroom.
Embarrassment and confusion flits across Fung Chin’s face.
Satisfied that he was able to entertain our class at Fung Chin’s expense, Bud McGraw zeros in on Harjoon Singh. “Hey Apoo!”
Harjoon visibly tenses as all eyes rest on him.
I spin around in my chair to glare at Bud. “Leave them alone, dickhead.”
His blue eyes widen. “Why Burnt, that’s really offensive language you’re using, Burnt.”
“It’s Burn, you moron.”
“Fuck me! I got your name wrong?” Bud lifts up his finger. “Question everyone …?”
The class falls silent and brace themselves for Bud’s next joke.
“Why is Burn’s skin so brown? Answer: Because when Burn was born, they put her into a microwave instead of an incubator!”
The room shakes with laugher.
“Very funny,” I say. “Where’s your white hoodie, KKK asswipe?”
He high-fives his cousins, Nick McGraw and Bobby Rivers seated next to him.
“You guys need to grow up,” I mutter.
“Okay, whatever you say, Banjo Lips!”
Screams of laughter all around as everyone cranes their neck to look at my lips.
I give him the finger.
Nick McGraw and Bobby Rivers aren’t offensive with their jokes; they’re funny and even entertaining. But they laugh at Bud’s offensive jokes, which make me mad at them.
Bud is probably the cutest guy in school. Tall, blue-eyed and ripped. Pity he’s such an asshole. It masks his good looks. His cousins Nick and Bobby are also eye-candy and girls go gaga over them.
We are interrupted by the arrival of our substitute teacher.
“Settle down now,” he drones. “You can call me Ardie, or you can call me Mr Burbak, if you like.” He smiles as he links and unlinks his fingers. “I’m not fussy and I, more than anyone else, would like to ensure a pleasant, but relaxed classroom environment.”
He’s fiftyish, stocky, lots of salt and pepper, curly hair. He wears a hound’s-tooth jacket with leather patch elbows, which I’m guessing, fell out of Noah’s ark. His pants are equally outdated – beige corduroy and high-waisted.
He has sideburns — like that Elvis dude my Aunt Carlene likes.
“I’m Armenian,” Mr Burbak explains. “Like Kim Kardashian. “Though, I might add, we Armenians generally stay married for a lot longer,” he chuckles.
“Now, starting from the back, I would like you to tell me your names.” He points at Nick McGraw.
“Coombs,” Nick says without hesitation. “Sean Coombs. My friends call me ‘Diddy’.”
“Nice to meet you, Mr Coombs.”
We all start to giggle.
Mr Burbak looks at Bud-the-jerk McGraw.
“Tatum, Channing, Sir,” Bud says with a straight face.
Mr Burbak nods and looks at Kate Spelling, who is Nick McGraw’s blue-eyed, blonde-haired girlfriend.
“Nicky Minaj,” Kate says.
By now we’re all fighting to contain our laughter.
Celebrity names fly around us. “Kelly Rowland.”
“T- Pain.”
“Carey, Mariah.”
“Hemsworth, Liam.”
“Pattinson, Robert.”
“Poo, Nannie.”
“You guys have some pretty unusual and somewhat original names,” Mr Burbak says, as his eyes move to me.
Although I’m tempted to say Fergilicious, I feel bad for Mr Burbak, so I say my real name, “Burn, Burn Ballantyne.”
Mr Burbak peers at me. “Come now, young lady. That can’t be your real name.” With a smile, he wags his index finger at me. “Good one though. Now, let’s have your real name.”
Okay, he asked for it. “Ritchie, Nicole,” I say.
“That’s better,” Mr Burbak says. “Moving on …”
What can I say? (I warned you about the juvenile halls being overcrowded.)
Welcome to Emhart County High in the good ol’ US of A.
When the bell goes, there is a stampede out of the classroom.
Kate Spelling (who has the confidence of Paris Hilton) and her friends saunter up to me. “Burn,” Kate purrs, as she plays with her silken hair, “I just want you to know that we thought it was highly inappropriate for Bud to call you …” She puts a hand to her mouth to suppress a chuckle, “Ban … Banjo Lips.”
Her friends fall around laughing.
“Kate, why don’t you and your skank-ass friends here go fuck yourselves?” I say as I push past them.
“Banjo Lips!” one of them coughs. Another burst of laughter follows.
As I walk, I catch sight of my reflection in a window. The word that comes to mind when describing my almost-seventeen-year-old self … average.
Slightly rounded figure, average boobs, caramel-colored skin, hazel eyes, full lips, long spiral curls that have a tendency to halo my face. No banjo lips.
I’m wearing black, skinny jeans, a hooded black and white Tee, black ankle boots which are scuffed around the sides and hooped silver earrings. I do love fashion but I’m not obsessed with it.
I’m not fugly enough to win an extreme makeover, I don’t turn heads when I enter a room and I probably won’t win America’s Next Top Model anytime soon. When I need to, I can clean up pretty good though.
“Yo, yo, yo, yo, Nigga!” Harjoon Singh says as he swaggers up to me. “One of these days I’m gonna bust a cap in that nigga’s ass!” He holds up his thumb and forefinger and points in Bud’s direction.
I roll my eyes at Harjoon’s words. He’s half Bud’s height, wears a ton of wet-look hair gel, some of which has seeped down his face and has added to his already glistening forehead. So, Bud, ever so quick on the draw says, “Hey look, you’ve got cum on your face.”
Harjoon wears a beige and red hoodie, a pair of colorful, long shorts and you can bet there is a comb in one of his pockets ’cause he’s always combing his hair.
“Yep, he’s an a-hole alright,” I say.
“Us niggas must stick togetha,” Harjoon says and knocks his chest with the side of his fist.
Time to jog his memory. “Harjoon, I’m black, you’re Hindu.”
“Sikh!” he corrects, his index finger stabbing at the air in front of him. “Sikh! Don’t ever confuse me with Hindus! There is a big difference. Big difference between Hindus and Sikhs. Big difference.”
“Okaaaay! Calm the fuck down, man.” Everybody calls him a Hindu. When they’re not calling him Apoo.
“And …” He drops his voice and flashes me his version of a sexy smile, “it’s HarLo, baby. Don’t forget that.” He wriggles his eyebrows at me.
“Got it, Har…Lo.”
Jennifer and her JLo. Look what she’s done.
Fung Chin runs up to us holding two blue iced cupcakes. Fung Chin has really embraced our culture and his English is improving rapidly.
Even his dress has changed since he’s been in the US. Gone are the colorful Kimono-styled shirts and Chinese straw hats you seen on people in …I dunno – rice fields? Maybe it has something to do with Bud calling him ‘Crouching Meerkat, Hidden Dragonfly.’
Today he wears blue shorts, a T-Shirt with Justin Beiber on it and a Justin Beiber bandana on his head. His purple, black and white Reeboks are current with their bright orange laces. Cheerful much.
I do believe Harjoon took him shopping for some spiffy threads. Spiffy? Strike that.
Fung’s taste in music is varied – he’s also a huge fan of Kanye West, sings his songs and got his swagger, so we lovingly call him Kanye East. (Lovingly, I said.)
“Nigga, what the hell took you so long?” Harjoon asks, snatching a cupcake out of Fung Chin’s hands.
Fung explains: “Nigga, I go coffeeteria to buy cupcake, fucking. Queue very long, fucking. Coffeeteria lady with fat arms say no change for fitty dollar, fucking. I ask everyone for change for fitty dollar, fucking. I get change, fucking. I go back to coffeeteria, I buy cupcake, fucking.”
Good ol’ Fung Chin. As I said, his English is improving. Progress may be slow, but we’re getting there. Now, if only we can get him to wear his backpack on just one shoulder.
Harjoon, as can be expected, is borderline brilliant and he does my math homework for me. In return, a couple of times a month, I’m to wear hooker-red lipstick, totter out of the school grounds with him to a car full of his cousins, touch his face and say, “Are you gonna call me, HarLo?”
See, one of his cousins is Sunita, a sourpuss with a nose ring, who he has a major crush on. So, I’m to make her jealous and get her to run into Harjoon’s arms. So far it hasn’t worked – Sunita won’t even look at him. But Harjoon’s sole ambition in life is to mate with Sunita, so I persist.
He’s sweet and a genuine guy when he’s not trying to be hood. Harjoon, that is. Eh, sorry, make that HarLo. But as you can see, he provides ample fodder for jokes and Bud-the-moron zeros in on that.
Bud and his crew pick on everyone. Live for it, actually. They’re anti blacks, anti-Jews, anti-Mexican, anti-Indian, anti-French, anti-Italian, anti-Persian, anti-teachers, anti-students, anti-everyone, I think. They have their own clique of blues and greens. Eyes, that is.
Our school is divided like that – scoffing whites on the one side, angry blacks on the other and then there’s the Mixicans who are all over the place.
I’m a ‘Mixican’ which means I’m mixed. White mother, black father. Like Halle Berry and Mariah Carey, without the gazillion dollars and the adoring fans. I’m not white enough to belong to the Scoffing Whites and not black enough to belong to the Angry Blacks. So, I do what most mixed-race kids do, seek out other Mixicans.
Similar to prison, but with fewer tattoos.
Anyway, Nick McGraw’s father is Robert McGraw – an outspoken, but well-known politician.
Rumor has it that his great-granddaddy was a Ku Klux Klan founder. You’ll recognize his father’s convertible – it has a ‘Honk if you’re KKK’ bumper sticker on it. Okay, so I exaggerate – he doesn’t have one at the moment, but if he did, it would be along those lines.
Nick’s not as obnoxious as Bud and on his own, he can be okay. But, put them together and you have mayhem.
Nick is tall, blue-eyed with sandy-blonde hair. He plays football and is dating Kate Spelling, who we met earlier. The sweetest looking bitch you’ll ever find. But a purebred bitch, make no mistake about that.
Kate is a Facebook addict. She’s a serial poster of pictures that show her having a blast. Every little thing that she does is Facebooked. Her aim is for us all to look at her life and envy the fuck out of her. Sometimes, we do.
She adds everyone on Facebook. Friends of friends – she just randomly collects ‘friends’ and ‘likes’ like seashells. Guess it’s not too hard to collect likes and friends when you post pics of yourself with your tits hanging out.
We suspect that Guinness Book of Records is probably going to show up at our school one of these days and declare her The Facebooker with the Most Number of Friends in the World. If they give her a sash, Kate would wear it every day, I’m sure. Even on Sundays.
Back to Bud and his crew – they may be offensive smart-mouths, but I gotta admit, they keep us entertained, and isn’t that what every student wants – to be entertained while at school?
Again, welcome to Emhart County High.