Step 1: Ground yourself in the truth.
You have to start with the truth that each and every one of us—including you—is a wondrous, one-of-a-kind, useful, essential component of the whole universe.
I can’t stress this truth enough! Every single thing we can know and believe in life is rooted in this truth, that we are all priceless. Once this truth is forgotten, you might as well throw everything you or anyone else has ever said or done into the garbage bin, for nothing would matter. What’s the point of improving yourself, or supporting other people’s attempts to improve, if we’re all just random, inconsequential pinpricks in
the universe, and nothing more? What’s the point in us doing anything at all?
Do not let yourself or anyone else forget or smother this truth. It is reality, something that stands by itself, no matter what you or anyone else might say or do. Each one of us makes a dent in existence that cannot be duplicated. And if you believe that a loving God exists, there’s an extra depth in that truth for you: it means each of us is a one-in-all-eternity
lovable child, who is truly loved for all eternity. Regardless of what religion or brand of spirituality you profess, that is the most powerful grounding you can ever have.
Step 2. Develop the right self-esteem.
The right self-esteem is grounded in that truth. You need to value yourself accordingly.
Self-esteem is not about selfishness. It’s about being at peace with all of who you are, and accepting of your one-of-a- kind power and responsibility to do the best good for others.
Self-esteem is like a solid core in the depths of your being, which cannot be shaken. Without this solid core, you will feel lost, with a painful emptiness within, a “hole in your soul” that seems to eat away at whatever else of yourself is left.
Do not be ashamed of who you are. Do not hate yourself for your unique personality, how weak you think your character is, what talents you think you don’t have, or the failures you believe you've done (no matter how huge). You will simply waste away and destroy yourself, and that one-in-all-eternity uniqueness that is you will be forever lost.
Do not build your self-esteem by attacking other people for their weaknesses, either. Do not build your own glory by destroying who they are or what they have. You may feel exhilarated by playing the conqueror for now, but as the years pile up, you will become exhausted, isolated and bitter, unable to hope or trust in the goodness of others.
Without the solidity that proper self-esteem brings, you will be unable to believe that you have something beautiful and unique to offer to anyone else. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do become unable to offer anything beautiful to anyone, much less love or attract anyone to you.
Once you’ve grounded yourself in the truth, then, how do you build the right self-esteem?
• Make an effort to live with integrity. First, identify what your values are, then strive to live in harmony with those values. This is what integrity is all about. Make a commitment to grow, or build your life, around meaningful principles.
• Recognize the difference between “good” shame and
toxic shame. When your actions do not resonate with your values or your principles, your conscience should make
you feel shame. This is how you know you’ve done
something wrong. This is a “good” shame, because it alerts you to destructive behavior, and nudges you to act and remedy the situation. The only way to remove the feeling
of shame for your violation of your own values is to accept you’ve made a mistake, accept the consequences, and make amends to yourself and everyone else whom you may have hurt in the process. Once you’ve done so, you
can forgive yourself, and the shame will disappear. In this way, shame is an opportunity to change, learn and grow as a person.
But if the shameful feeling doesn’t disappear even after you’ve done all you can, and instead leads you to think that there’s something terribly wrong with who you are, that’s toxic shame. You need to get rid of this shame, because that’s what’s wrong—not you.
• Create a nurturing environment for yourself. If you grew up with damaged self-esteem, as an adult you have
the power and responsibility towards yourself (and others) to heal your wounds. Find a way to get the healing you need. Nurturing is not just for children, but for everyone, of all ages. Strive to create a life for yourself, surrounded by family, friends and other people who can support you and offer you realistic, positive messages that you need to hear and believe in. Cherish those who provide this nurturing for you, or the memories
of those who used to nurture you and have already passed away, for they are more precious than gold or money.
Avoid those who only offer you toxic shaming messages
(they’re just projecting their own insecurities onto you!).
Step 3. Reflect on who you are, and accept what you can.
Once you have grounded yourself and nurtured the right self-esteem, you can begin to clearly see who you really are, what you should become, what you can change, and what you simply have to accept. In this way, you can become content and happy. You become less centered on yourself, and more open to others. You can start attracting people to yourself.
Live from your center, every day, and reflect on the following questions constantly until you can answer them:
• Who are you, and how did you become the person you are today?
• What do you love the most about yourself?
• What do you least like about yourself?
• Can you change the aspects of yourself that you least like?
• If not, then are you willing to accept yourself as who you are, and focus entirely on the positive things you bring to the table?
• What can help you accept the things about yourself or your life which you cannot change?
• What are the things you love to do?
• Of those things, what are you most passionate about?
• How much time do you spend thinking about your passion?
It is very important to be happy with who you are right now, before