CHAPTER 4
Jesse didn’t understand how a walk would explain what was going on better than words, but she kept silent and followed Gabriel across the back yard toward the path leading into the woods. She could hear water splashing over stones in the nearby creek and birds singing in the distance. She watched a butterfly flutter over a tuft of daisies before landing to flex its wings. What she was seeing now stood in stark contrast to news clips of destruction and long lines of people waiting for food and water. Which world was real—brooks and butterflies or death and devastation?
“We need to go this way,” Gabriel said, turning onto an unfamiliar trail. The footpath was covered with a thick layer of finely ground mulch that disappeared into the trees.
They walked along a slope for some distance before she called to Gabriel, “How much farther?”
“Not much,” he said over his shoulder without slowing down.
At the top of the ridge, she stopped to look down into the hollow to see more of the same—woods descending into a valley. She cast a curious glance at Gabriel. “Well?”
Without answering, he started down the trail. Before long, the ground began to level and trees became less dense as they crossed an open grassy area scattered with trees, shrubs, and bushes. To her right, Jesse could see a gravel road in the distance that wound its way to the nearly vertical rock exposure they were nearing. Curious, she thought, a road to nowhere. As they neared the steep bank Gabriel disappeared behind a group of hydrangea shrubs and she quickened her pace to follow.
On the other side of the bushes, Gabriel stood in front of a large door built into the rock bank itself. The door was different shades of green and brown that blended seamlessly into its surroundings.
Taking a small device from his pocket, he pushed buttons before the heavy door began to move silently to the right as if on rollers. Cautiously, she followed him through the doorway to hear a soft click that lit up a wide entryway. The wall was smooth, cold and felt like metal. She looked over to see Gabriel punch numbers into a keypad mounted on the wall.
“Be careful,” he said, pulling the door toward them. She followed him inside to stand transfixed. Her attempt to form words resulted in stammered monosyllables before her mouth snapped shut to fall open again. When she recovered enough to move, she turned around slowly. “What is this?”
“This is the project Florence and I have been working on.”
Dazed, she walked to the nearest sofa and sat down slowly. Her stunned expression did little to relay the depth of shock and confusion she felt. The vast room, lit by hourglass-shaped columns, was divided into sections. In the area where she sat, bookcases lined walls with several seating areas with sofas, chairs, tables and the occasional plant. One section appeared to be a dining area with rows of long tables while another was a play area with bookshelves, walls of toys, dolls, games and stuffed animals. Unable to wrap her mind around what she was seeing, she looked around dumbly.
Gabriel sat down next to her. “I know this is a lot for you to take in, but you’ll soon understand why this shelter is necessary.”
“Shelter,” she repeated the word numbly. “Shelter for who?”
When he didn’t answer, she turned to him. “Shelter for who?”
“For people who need a shelter. For Christians, for anyone being victimized, for anyone who needs a place to stay.”
“But how—who? Who built this?”
He didn’t respond right away. When he did, he didn’t answer her question. Instead, he said, “You know that Florence is very close to God, seeks His guidance.”
“What?” Jesse asked, puzzled. “What does that have to do with this shelter?”
When he fell silent, she could tell he was weighing his words, deciding how much he should tell her. She touched his arm. “Don’t filter, Gabriel. Just tell me.”
He nodded. “I guess you’re right. You may as well know that a few years ago, Florence felt led by God to build a shelter.”
She stared at him. “Led by God? God told her to build a shelter?”
“Yes.”
Stunned, confused, a few seconds passed before she realized Gabriel was describing the building and construction. She sat dazed, his words bouncing right past her. The few words registering—design, engineering, water supply and filtration—meant nothing.
She lifted a hand. “Please, Gabriel, stop. Just stop.” She needed time to make sense of what she was hearing. She sat staring, thinking, before turning to him. “Who paid for all this?”
By his expression, she knew the question made him uncomfortable. The silence became awkward before he finally answered. “Florence combined resources with another church member.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “That can’t be true. Grammy can’t afford this.”
He was on his feet in an instant. “I’ll show you the rest of the shelter,” he said, starting across the floor.
She hurried to catch up before stepping squarely in his path to face him. “Can Grammy afford this, Gabriel?”
His hands went into his pockets and he looked up at the ceiling to avoid eye contact. “I’m sorry, Jesse, but I don’t think it’s my place to discuss Florence’s finances.”
“Gabriel,” she said, waiting for him to look at her, “are you really going to treat me like an outsider?”
He shifted his weight, looking uneasy. Just when she thought he wasn’t going to answer, he said, “Florence is a wealthy woman.”
She knew he was telling the truth. Why hadn’t her grandmother told her about any of this? The one person she trusted and thought she knew, she didn’t know at all. Nothing made sense. She wasn’t sure what to believe. “This is too much,” she said, turning to look for the exit.
Outside, she walked to the nearest tree. The trunk she clung to was solid, real, but she couldn’t take in enough air. Her heart was pounding and she felt light-headed. She focused on breathing in through her nose and exhaling through her mouth but the shallow breaths weren’t enough to fill her lungs. She knew she was hyperventilating but she couldn’t control it. Bending over, she breathed into cupped hands to increase the amount of carbon dioxide she was taking in.
“Are you okay, Jesse?” Gabriel asked, touching her shoulder. She nodded without looking up. After several minutes, her lungs began to relax. Lowering herself to the ground, she rocked gently and stared ahead. Anxiety attack, she hadn’t had one in years. She had almost forgotten how horrible they were.
Gabriel sat down next to her with his arms resting on bent knees. Neither spoke for several minutes while mulling over their own thoughts. Finally, he said, “This is a lot for you to deal with right now.”
She turned his comment over in her mind. A lot to deal with—he had given the perfect example of a gross understatement. The fist in her stomach began to open, releasing the most primitive emotion first. Anger seeped through her veins like molten lava before blazing into a fury that spurred a response dripping with sarcasm. “Oh, I don’t know, Gabriel. A lot to deal with, you say. Let’s just make sure I know what it is I’m supposed to be dealing with. War and natural disasters are ripping the planet apart, Christians are being terrorized and I know nothing about my own grandmother. Last, but certainly by no morbid stretch of the imagination least, the end of the world is just around the corner.” She tilted her head sideways to look at him. “Is that it? Did I leave anything out, Gabriel? Is there anything else I’m supposed to be dealing with right now?”
His jaw tightened and she could see a vein pulsing at his temple. “You’re upset,” he said, without looking her way.
“Upset?” she repeated the word, staring at him. “You know what, I think you’re right. I think I might be just a little upset. But don’t let that stop you from telling me about any other top-secret projects you and my grandmother are working on. Maybe you’ve built an asylum for those not ready to face the end of the world.” She shook her head. “Asylum—that’s it. Maybe I’m psychotic, delusional, and none of this is real. Or maybe I’m trapped in a nightmare and I’ll wake up soon.”
Gabriel’s voice was quiet, solemn. “Unfortunately, Jesse, this is reality for all of us, and we have no choice but to deal with it.”
Her laugh was brittle, like shattering ice. Gabriel—always rational, sensible. He could always be counted on to tell the truth. She didn’t much care for his integrity right then. The words she wanted to hear would be a lie. She wanted him to say that everything would be alright. Unshed tears glimmered in her eyes when she looked at him. “I remember when we were kids, you made everything better. You would never lie. If you said it was going to snow in the middle of August, I would have put on a coat and snow boots. I know we’re not kids anymore, but I really need to hear you say everything will be okay. Go ahead, tell me that your God will take care of us, Gabriel.”
Sighing, he shook his head. “Jesse, don’t.”
She stared at him. “Don’t? Don’t what? Don’t ask you to say what you believe? I’ve heard you say it before. I’m just asking you to say it now.” His profile became a blur through tears as she waited. When he didn’t speak, anger welled inside of her. She felt as if she might explode or implode, and she didn’t care which as long as something happened to relieve the pressure. Scrambling to her feet, she began to pace. “You say it when I don’t want to hear it, but when I ask you to say it, you won’t.” She ran back to stand in front of him, nails cutting into her palms. “Well, say something!” When he refused to respond, she kept from screaming by spinning angrily on her heel and walking away.
The adrenaline coursing through her body pushed her into a run. With no thought of direction, she ran as fast as she could. When she thought her lungs would explode, she kept going until her legs gave way and she collapsed to the ground on her hands and knees. Fingers curled into the earth to close into fists. With an angry cry, she scampered to her feet to hurl the handfuls of dirt. Suddenly, she stopped. Everything she’d been running from caught up with her in an instant. Hatred, violence, death—that was the real world. Covering her face, she sank to the ground. Sobs rent the air as she cried for the devastated, the dying, for a world trapped in misery. She cried for reasons she didn’t understand, but most of all, she cried for lost hope.
Rolling onto her back, Jesse looked up at the speckling of sky through the treetops. How long had she lain there? She didn’t know. She didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. Her tears had washed away all emotion, leaving her empty. Pushing up to her knees, she pulled the bottom of her shirt up to wipe her face before sitting back on her heels. At the sound of a twig snapping, she turned swollen eyes to her right to see Gabriel getting up from a fallen log. How long had he been there? Her chin fell forward to her chest. He’d seen her at her worst, and she didn’t care. She didn’t have enough energy to be embarrassed.
Without a word, Gabriel crouched in front of her. She stared at his outstretched hand. Would he go away if she refused? Minutes passed but he didn’t move. He didn’t say anything, just waited. She wanted him to go away, but she knew he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t leave her in the woods alone. Too tired to argue, she reached out and put her hand in his.
Jesse didn’t bother looking up as she trudged along the path with Gabriel. Every step was like lifting a foot encased in cement. She didn’t question his silence. She didn’t think about anything except putting one foot in front of the other.
At the back stairs, she held up a hand when he would have helped her further. “No,” she whispered before starting slowly up the steps. In her room, she reached out to pull back the cover before noticing her grimy hand. Using her last bit of energy, she showered before crawling into bed with damp hair.
Hours later, she was still in the same position staring despondently at the moon when there was a knock at the door. “Jesse,” Gabriel called from the hallway. When she didn’t answer, he knocked again before opening the door. She felt a slight movement as he placed something on the foot of the bed before coming around to block her view of the moon.
“You didn’t come down for supper. I thought you might be hungry.” When she didn’t reply, he knelt by the bed. “Jesse, look at me.” When she didn’t move, he said more firmly, “Jesse, look at me.”
Tears trickled across the bridge of her nose to fall onto the pillow. Her voice was dull, vacant. “I’m not as strong as you and Grammy. I can’t deal with everything going on in the world.”
She felt the warmth of his hand on her arm. “Jesse,” he said softly, “I knew you were confused and frightened today. I wanted to comfort you, to say God will take care of us, but I couldn’t. God gives peace to those who trust in Him. He doesn’t impose Himself on those who don’t.”
Her tears began to flow faster. “Did you come to say that your God doesn’t care about me, Gabriel?”
His hand moved to her cheek. “No, Jesse. I came to tell you that the creator of the universe loves you so much that He came to Earth and died for you.” Even in her state of despair, she could hear the emotion in his voice. “God loves you, Jesse, and regardless of what happens in this life, in the end, everything will be alright if you’re a child of God.”
Child of God. How could she be a child of God when she wasn’t even sure God exists? She wished she knew, but she didn’t. Weariness encased her like a tomb. “I’m too tired to talk, Gabriel. Please, just go.”
“Will you listen then? Just open your mind and listen.” He took her silence for agreement before moving to sit on the edge of the bed. Bending forward, he rested his elbows on his knees to look out at the moon. “At some point, every person will ask the question, does God exist. I know you’ve asked yourself that question.”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Yes, I know you have. The question carries profound significance, basic accountability. Once the question is asked, it must be dealt with. Whether the response is deferral, denial, indifference or acceptance, once we respond to that question, there is a response to our creator on record. The question is the most important question any human will ever ask, certainly the most important question we will ever answer. Our response defines our relationship with God and determines our place in eternity.”
She had mentally debated the question for weeks, but she was too exhausted to think about it. “Gabriel, I don’t want to—”
“Jesse, just think of the perfection and complexity of the universe. Does order come from disorder? Even scientists say the universe is finite, created at one point in time. Is it reasonable to believe the universe exploded into existence by chance from nothing?”
She’d never given it much thought. How had the universe been created? “Big bang,” she murmured.
“Right. But what do you suppose caused the big bang? If there’s nothing outside the universe, what created the matter that the explosion came from? Is it logical to believe a chaotic, random explosion designed perfection? Does an exploding bomb create order? Think of galaxies, stars, planets, Earth, all plant and animal life, even the miracle of the human body. I would have to agree with Voltaire, if the watch proves the existence of a watchmaker but the universe does not prove the existence of a great Architect then I consent to be called a fool.”
Voltaire? Was he a philosopher? She had no idea who Voltaire was. Her eyes moved to the shadows of Gabriel’s face during the silence that followed. When he spoke, she could hear a sense of awe for the God he serves. “The complexity, the organization of creation is incredible. Think about the Earth, perfectly sized, perfect distance from the Sun, rotating on its axis at nearly one thousand miles an hour to be heated and cooled daily. Just imagine living on a planet traveling around the Sun at nearly sixty-seven thousand miles an hour.”
The thought of the Earth hurling through space was startling. “Sixty-seven thousand,” she repeated the number softly.
“Amazing, right? But even more astounding is the human that God created in His own image. Man will never create a computer like the human brain that can process more than a million messages per second or a camera like the human eye. Just think about DNA, a digital code in every single cell. Every human has trillions of cells, and in each tiny cell is a three-billion-letter program telling it how to act. That’s not chance, Jesse. That’s not evolution. That’s the work and design of almighty God.”
She wondered what Gabriel based his belief on, and now she knew.
“Jesse, I know you’ve asked yourself if God exists. I also know you’re the type of person who appreciates reason. I’ve mentioned a few things, but if you take time to review the evidence, I think you’ll come to the same conclusion I have. God exists and He loves you, Jesse.”
What he said about creation made sense, but she wasn’t sure. She couldn’t organize her thoughts. His voice broke through her confusion. “Creation testifies of God’s existence and there is more than enough evidence to prove the Bible is the infallible Word of God, but it’s up to us to make a choice. Believing in God is a choice. Making a commitment is a choice. I have followed the evidence to its logical conclusion and I am more convinced of who Jesus is than I am of my own identity. And I know who I am, Jesse.”
Her hand came up to her forehead. “That’s a lot to think about.”
He moved to kneel by the bed and face her. “Earlier, you said you would have believed me if I told you it was going to snow in August. Well I’m older, hopefully a little wiser, but I’m still the same person who would never lie to you. Maybe I haven’t always told you things I should have, but I’ve never lied.”
He fell silent, as if absorbed in his own thoughts before looking back at her. “You wonder how I know God exists. To some, believing in God seems foolish, like having an imaginary friend, but I know God exists. I know because I know God personally. I talk to Him every day. God strengthens me, gives me hope for the future when there seems to be none. He is my courage, my patience and peace. I can’t imagine living one day without Jesus.” Getting to his feet, he said, “You’re right, I guess that is a lot to think about. But if you ever want to talk, I’ll be here.”
Jesse thought about his words. He said she should consider the evidence, but she didn’t need to. He already had. The reasoning, the logic was persuasive, but that wasn’t what convinced her. What made her push the blanket back was hearing him talk about his personal relationship. She wanted what he had. She wanted to believe in something beyond herself, to hope again. Gabriel said he knows God, and he wouldn’t lie to her. She wanted to know God, too.
“Gabriel, don’t leave.” Her white nightgown floated to the floor as she rose from the bed to kneel. “I need to know how to accept Jesus.”
He came back around and knelt by her side. “God is holy, sinless. The only way we can approach a holy God is to accept the gift He gave to cleanse us, to wash away our sins. Jesus paid for our sins, died in our place. Confess your need for God’s mercy as a sinner, repent, and believe in your heart that God, the Father, raised Jesus, His only begotten Son, from the dead.”
She bowed her head to pray. “Dear God, I am a sinner who could never be good enough to be with you, but you made a way. I believe Jesus died for me, and I believe you raised Him from the dead.” The lump forming in her throat was becoming painful. “Please forgive me. I accept Jesus. Amen.”
As Gabriel helped her to her feet, she looked up at him. “Did I do it right?”
His eyes glistened in the soft light of the moon. Was it tears? She couldn’t tell.
His arm came around her shoulder to pull her lightly against his side. “You did it just right.”
She breathed in deeply and exhaled. The smothering heaviness was gone. “I can breathe again, she said before going around the bed to pull on her robe. “I’m starving. Let’s go downstairs and have a sandwich.”
In the kitchen, her grandmother sat at the table with a look of sadness that tugged at Jesse’s heart. “We’ve come to raid the fridge, Grammy.”
Following her grandmother’s eyes, Jesse looked back to see Gabriel nod. “Praise God on high,” her grandmother said, coming around the table. “Welcome to the body of Christ, child.”
“Thank you, Grammy,” Jesse said, returning her grandmother’s hug.
While Jesse made sandwiches, Gabriel poured milk. Her grandmother held up a plate she lifted from the counter. “Look what I’ve got, Jesse.”
Turning around, Jesse smiled. “You made chocolate chip cookies. My favorite.”
The mood was light around the table as they chatted about everything and nothing in particular. Gabriel looked relaxed, her grandmother’s face glowed with happiness, and Jesse thought she’d never tasted a better chicken sandwich.
Gabriel wiped mayonnaise from the corner of Jesse’s mouth before handing her the napkin. “I know, I’m a pig,” she said, laughing.
He smiled. “Evidence is mounting to make the case.”
Her grandmother leaned back with a satisfied sigh, “I think I’m about ready to turn in.”
“Me, too,” Jesse said, starting to collect the few dishes left on the table. At the sink, she kissed her grandmother goodnight before turning to see Gabriel leaning against the doorframe watching her.
Approaching him, she suddenly felt shy. “Thank you, Gabriel, for everything.”
She stepped into his opening arms. “I guess someone has to look out for you. After all, we did grow up together.”
“We did,” she said, smiling against his chest. He could have said, after all, you’re just like my kid sister, but he didn’t. She was glad he didn’t say that.
Before going to bed that night, Jesse prayed. The God she hadn’t been able to imagine was real to her now. The image that settled in her mind was brilliant, profound light, all-powerful, terrifying—and yet, wonderful in His majesty, sitting on a radiant throne. At the same time, she saw the same light in Jesus, the visible image of an invisible God. Jesus, a man with gentle eyes that sparkled like dew in the first rays of the morning sun. Jesus, the Savior she could know. She settled in bed to look out at the night sky. The words Gabriel couldn’t say earlier whispered through her mind. Everything will be alright.
Jesse was in the kitchen early the next morning when Gabriel came through the door. He stopped, surprised. “Good morning. You’re up early.”
Freshly shaven, hair still damp from the shower, Jesse thought he was more handsome than any man had a right to be. The sight of him inspired a spontaneous smile and cheerful reply. “I woke up early. Sit down and I’ll bring your coffee.” Placing the cup on the table in front of him, she breathed in the fresh scent of soap.
His eyes followed her back to the kitchen island. “Did you sleep well?”
From the kitchen door, her grandmother answered the question she thought was for her. “I slept great.”
Jesse cast a quick smile at Gabriel. “I’m glad to hear it, Grammy. I slept great, too,” she said, handing her grandmother a cup of coffee. “I’m making breakfast. How do cheese omelets, toast, and jam sound?”
“Sounds good to me,” her grandmother said.
Over breakfast, Jesse thought about the question she would like to ask, but she didn’t want to sound critical. She absently pushed a piece of egg across her plate before Gabriel noticed her downcast face. “What’s on your mind, Jesse?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m just confused about something.”
Her grandmother put her fork down, waiting. “What is it, dear?”
“Well…I’ve heard you both say God protects and God provides. I guess I just don’t understand. If God protects and provides, why would you need to build a shelter?”
“That’s a good question,” Gabriel said. “Sometimes God moves Christians to protect and help each other, but sometimes Christians suffer and it’s difficult to understand why.”
Her grandmother pushed her plate forward to fold her arms on the table. “I won’t pretend I completely understand suffering. I do believe Christians who walk in obedience and faith can rely on God’s promises, but sometimes I wonder if some Christians don’t suffer for reasons we don’t understand.”
Gabriel’s brows knitted in thought. “You know, Florence, Proverbs and Psalms tell us how to secure God’s protection, but then I think of Job. The Bible says Job was blameless and upright, and yet he suffered.”
Jesse didn’t try to hide her surprise. “He was blameless and God didn’t protect him?”
Getting up from the table, her grandmother went to refill her coffee. Sitting back down, she said, “I think Job serves as a reminder that we should never assume a person’s problems, suffering or death is punishment for sin.”
Jesse thought about recent news reports, Christians being tortured and murdered in other countries. Without thinking, she spoke her next thought aloud. “Why doesn’t God protect Christians?” Her eyes darted to her grandmother. “Sorry, Grammy, I don’t mean to sound…” She didn’t mean to sound what? Questioning? She was questioning. She wanted to know why God, who can do anything, didn’t protect Christians or babies or…the list was endless.
Her grandmother rubbed her chin, thinking. “I know what you’re asking. If God is all powerful and all loving, then why does He permit evil and suffering in the world.”
“Do you know the answer, Grammy?”
“No, I don’t. But I do know that God gave the first man and woman free will. Their decision to disobey God brought the curse of death and sin into the world. God allows us make our own choices, but those choices have consequences, good or bad.
Jesse’s fingers drummed lightly against the table. “Maybe we should ask a different question. Why did God give us free will?”
Gabriel smiled. “Imagine what kind of world that would be. Humans programmed to do what’s right. No decisions, no choices. Without free will, God would never know how we truly feel. We were created to fellowship with God. How boring would that be to fellowship with a robot. We’re made in the image of God, and I think God values freedom and emotion. Could we have the capacity to love without the capacity to hate?”
“That’s right,” her grandmother said. “God reveals Himself through His Word, but some things remain a mystery. Job asked the same question people ask today. Why do godly people suffer?”
“Did God answer Job, Grammy?”
“He sure did,” her grandmother said, nodding. “God showed up to speak with Job. He asked Job questions no man could answer. He asked Job where he was when the foundations of the Earth were laid. Who stretched out the measuring line and who laid the cornerstone? He asked Job if he could bring forth the constellations or command an eagle to soar."
Gabriel smiled. "Job discovered he was no match for God in a debate. But I wonder if Job's suffering wasn't meant to serve as an example, a lesson for the world. To remind humanity that they’re the created and God the creator.”
Jesse wilted in her chair. “All of this sounds confusing. And I’ve heard the Bible is complicated, a book of symbolism.”
“No,” Gabriel said. “The Bible isn’t that complicated. Sure, there’s some symbolism, but also poetry, allegory, parables and other writing styles. Textual signals embedded in Scripture tell us what we’re reading. I’ve been asked if I take the Bible literally and my answer is, yes, when it’s meant to be taken literally. I believe God says what He means and means what He says.”
Her grandmother stopped collecting dishes to say, “There are study Bibles, commentaries, all kinds of books you may find helpful. But, really, if you want to understand the Bible, you should go to the author in prayer. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you understanding.”
“That’s good advice,” Gabriel agreed. “Sometimes we want to put God under a microscope, but I don’t think any human could fully comprehend the power and mystery of God, the creator of life, all space, matter and time.”
Jesse looked surprised. “Time was created? I never thought of that.
“Sure,” he said. “God created time just like everything else. We think of God as having a lot of time, but God resides outside of time. He inhabits eternity. God can’t be changed, but time can.”
“Time can be changed?” Jesse said, sounding skeptical. “How?”
Gabriel smiled at her surprised expression. “Einstein explains it in his Special Theory of Relativity. Now that is complicated.” He glanced at his watch. “I need to get going, but we can talk about it later.”
“Get going?” Jesse said, sitting up straighter in her chair. “Are you going to town?”
“No,” Gabriel answered quickly, shaking his head. “I’m going, but it’s not safe for you.”
Crossing her arms, she watched him. “If it’s not safe for me, then it seems that it wouldn’t be safe for you either.”
Gabriel noted the stubborn tilt of Jesse’s chin before looking to her grandmother for help. He was disappointed to see her turn away without responding to his silent plea.
Jesse hid a smile as she waited for his response.
Finally, he said, “It’s different for me.”
Jesse’s eyes widened. “Why? Because you’re a man?”
Her grandmother turned with barely concealed amusement to watch Gabriel squirm. His pleading look was m