Why Me?
Piper found it impossible to recover from the passing of her baby, Patrick. Impossible. She couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t bring herself to eat, and couldn’t bring herself to take care of herself. She quit everything, from volunteering in the Discipleland and at the Collins Foster Home, to going to work and spending time with Nick. For two weeks after his passing, she laid in her bed, recovering. At first, her body needed to physically recover from the painful miscarriage. After about ten days, the recovery she needed was mainly in her mind.
Nick insisted she drink smoothies that he made from fresh and frozen fruits and vegetables, just to keep her nourished. He also insisted on occasional showers, with which she complied as a courtesy towards her bed-mate. But he couldn’t do anything to nourish her mind and comfort her soul. The product of their love had died inside of her, killing her will to go on. Pale and weak, she moaned and groaned, unable to snap out of her depression.
“Piper, please get up today,” Nick begged her one Saturday afternoon. “Please. You have to move on and move forward.” He stood over her next to the bed, wearing his most loving expression. Piper noticed his deep sapphire eyes as they penetrated hers in a futile attempt to shake the sadness from her soul.
“I can’t, Nick. Just can’t.”
Faith hopped up onto the bed and sniffed Piper’s face, before cuddling up against her torso. Piper stroked Faith’s fur in return, telling her that she loved her, yet feeling small comfort. The pain of the loss was too overbearing. She didn’t know if she would ever overcome the pain. How could anyone?
“Piper, I love you,” Nick said with tears in his eyes. “I want you to get better. You’re my wife and my life.” He put his hands on her cheeks and gently wiped the tears that were streaming from her eyes.
“Nick,” she whispered in a monotone sort of a voice. “I’m just so sorry about this. So sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, honey,” he answered. “There was nothing you could do to prevent this. Sometimes these things just happen, through no fault of the mother.”
“I’m sure I did something to anger God. This was my punishment.”
“Piper, please. You didn’t do anything wrong. Believe me. Nothing wrong. This wasn’t your fault.”
“Things were just too perfect for me. My life with you was just too perfect. I wasn’t appreciative enough.”
“You were always appreciative and always thankful.”
“I just don’t get it Nick. Why me? Why does God let someone like my sister have beautiful children, but He doesn’t let us have any kids? Why?”
“He’s going to let us have kids, Piper. I’m sure of that. People have miscarriages all the time and then go on to have kids. You’ll see. Patrick just wasn’t strong enough to go on. Maybe it was his heart. Maybe his lungs. Whatever it was, it doesn’t matter now because he’s in the arms of Jesus.”
Piper bellowed. “He was supposed to be in my arms, Nick. I’m his mother. I was making this place special for him. He was going to have the best life ever.”
Piper thought of the way she had decorated Patrick’s room in the theme of the sea. The decorations included pictures of seashells, a framed piece of artwork entitled “Footprints in the Sand,” stuffed sea animals, and musical sea mobiles for the crib. An old rocking chair sat in the corner of the room, which her mother had once used to rock her when she was a baby. Her sister had shipped the chair to Piper about a month before and Piper had planned to feed Patrick and rock him to sleep in that chair. She didn’t even want to set foot in the room now, for fear of breaking down in tears.
Faith snuggled up against Piper again, calling attention to herself. Her furry little body was in need of a trim. But that could wait. Piper stroked Faith’s fur gently, feeling the urge to give the little dog some of her attention.
“At least you’re here, Faith. I hope you’re with us for many years to come. You’re a God-send.” Faith turned towards her and stared at her through her round, brown eyes. Something about her eyes made Piper wonder whether Faith had a window into her soul. Something seemed deeper and beyond the limitations of a dog’s body. Faith crawled towards Piper’s face again and put her head under Piper’s chin, snuggling as close as she could.
“Little cutie,” Piper whimpered as she caressed Faith’s head and ears. “So soft and cuddly.” Then her thoughts returned to Patrick, and her unfulfilled desire to cuddle and love him. She pictured herself rocking Patrick to sleep in the rocking chair in his room and envisioned his little body swaddled in a blanket. Nick stood above her next to the bed, watching her every move.
She looked up at him. “Nick, this is all too much for me to take. It’s just not fair. I’m not sure why a loving God would do this to someone like me or to people like us. Look what we’ve done for Him! We’ve served Him for so many years as volunteers at the foster home and as churchgoers and as His ambassadors. All we asked for in return was a child. That’s all. A child. And He couldn’t even let us have one. Even worse – he made us wait for years before giving us a teaser and then stealing him from us.”
“Piper, you’re letting Satan get the best of you. You know why these things happen. Remember Chase and Cherie and the babies they lost? Remember what we told him that day at the foster home? Remember the Book of Job? The challenges we experience in this life only serve to make us stronger, to make us more like Jesus. Remember the Book of Matthew and how it says that God is the gardener, Jesus is the vine, and we are the branches of the vine. God prunes us to make us blossom and flourish. Just like we prune our Hibiscus bushes to make them thicken and flower, He prunes us.”
Piper looked at him with her eyes full of tears and whispered, “I know that’s what we said and I remember Job and Matthew.” She used the sleeve of her nightgown to wipe the tears from her eyes. “But I’m not Job, God’s perfect servant. I’m not at all like Job and I could never get over the challenges that Job endured. God is only supposed to give us challenges we can handle. And I just can’t handle this one, Nick. This is way too much for me. He went overboard with this one. Way too much pruning!”
“Oh, Piper.” Nick leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “You’re a strong woman. Stronger than you realize. And I love you very much. I’ll be by your side forever and we’ll work through this together.”
“Nick, I love you too. I just need to be alone now. I need to think about things. Reevaluate my priorities. Maybe I should be more like my sister. Maybe then I wouldn’t have a problem getting pregnant and having a baby. She didn’t have any problems having three babies. Three beautiful babies. Maybe God needs to know that He need not worry about perfecting me. I’m imperfect, just like my sister. She’s a drinker who pushes the limits on things and I’m always judging her. There you go, I just judged her again. Am I being punished for that? Why didn’t she get punished? Why me? My imperfect self wants a baby too!”
“We both want a baby, Piper. But that’s not the way to do it. I don’t want you to be more like your sister. I fell in love with you just as you are. You’re almost perfect, Piper McCoy O’Brien. Almost perfect. And by overcoming this challenge, you’ll become even closer to being perfect and being even more like Christ. I promise. Trust me.”
“Thanks Nick. Just leave me alone for a little while. Okay?”
“Just a little while, Piper. I’ll be back in an hour.”
Nick walked toward the bedroom door when Faith barked and sprinted past him. She darted down the stairs before he could get to them and returned a few minutes later with the leash in her mouth. Then she jumped onto the bed, still holding the leash, and nudged Piper.
“Nick,” Piper yelled out. “Can you walk Faith?”
Nick came back up the stairs and looked at Faith. “It looks like she wants you to walk her. Not me.”
“No, she just needs a walk. Probably hasn’t been outside in a while.”
“Okay, Faith. Let’s go for a walk outside.”
Faith put the leash on the bed in front of her and hopped up and down on top of Piper and all around her. She howled and yipped, as if Piper hadn’t noticed her little dance atop the bed.
“C’mon Faith. Let’s go. Outside,” Nick called out as he stood in front of them next to the bed.
Again, Faith ignored him, still jumping up and down on the bed, yipping.
“Let’s go, Faith,” Nick said as he clapped and approached her. He tried to grab her, but she avoided his reach and darted across the bed. Then she grabbed her leash with her mouth and nudged Piper once again.
Nick laughed. “Piper, she really wants you to walk her. Probably likes you more than me.”
“Geez,” Piper said. “Alright. I’ll get up.”
She pulled herself from the bed and changed her nightwear into shorts, sandals, and a t-shirt. Then she grabbed the leash and led Faith down the stairs.
“Great move, Faith,” Nick said. “Great move. You are a God-send!”
Nick, Piper, and Faith headed outside. Faith led them around a pond and down a pathway towards another pond, while Nick and Piper made small talk with one another. Piper felt a little better physically than she had felt while cooped up in the bedroom.
Being outside was good for her. She noticed the leaves on the trees surrounding them as they juddered in the wind. Birds chirped and tweeted, singing all sorts of happy tunes to one another as they hopped along the branches of the trees. A pecking sound called her attention to a woodpecker, which was busy carving a hole on the side of a rather dead-looking tree. All the while, Faith pulled her along, with her bouncy ears bobbing up and down as she trotted ahead. They circled around the second pond and took a pathway towards the front of their neighborhood and walked along the street back towards their house.
A group of people were out in front of one of the houses near theirs, and Piper immediately recognized two of them. Dawn and Chris were an older married couple who lived a few houses away. Everyone knew them well and liked them, as they were the most social of all of the neighbors, always initiating parties and hosting get-togethers. They were playing corn hole with a handful of other neighbors. Others were cooking food on a grill or socializing while sitting next to one another in a circle of chairs. Dexter and Bernice were there, sitting in two of the chairs next to one another. Dogs were roaming about freely, and Piper knew that Faith would probably like to join them. She recalled the invitation that Dawn and Chris had left on their door knob a few weeks before, but that was when she was better. That was before she lost Patrick. She had forgotten about the party.
Dawn walked up to them and invited them over, so Nick and Piper joined them. Piper knew she wouldn’t be staying long, as being social was the last thing that she wanted to be at that particular point in time. But she decided that a few minutes wouldn’t hurt.
“Hey Nick,” Chris called out from his place standing between two corn hole platforms. “You two want in on the next game? This one is just about over.”
“Piper,” Nick said as he turned to her. “What do you think? Want to play?”
“No, but I’ll watch you.”
“You sure? We could go home.”
“No, this is probably good for us.”
“Chris, sign me up,” Nick yelled out.
“Grab yourselves a couple of beers. Got some iced down beers in the blue cooler over there.”
“Maybe I will,” Nick said to Piper. “I’ll check for a water bottle for you too.”
“Thanks Nick,” Piper said as she sat down on one of the many beach chairs that were lined in a circle in a driveway.
She watched Nick play corn hole for a while and made small talk with Dawn, who was sitting down next to her. Dawn didn’t know about her pregnancy, so that made the conversation easier. The last thing she wanted to talk about was her pregnancy. It was still far too painful of a subject to discuss with anyone. Instead, they talked about college football and the weather and other lighter sorts of subjects.
“I haven’t seen you on your bike in a while,” Bernice said as she sat down in a chair near Piper’s. “You been feeling okay? I notice that your car has been in the driveway without moving for a while.”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just haven’t been in the mood to go biking,” Piper responded, feeling uncomfortable about the direction in which the discussion was heading. “Maybe I’ll go tomorrow if the weather is nice.”
“I think it will be. I heard it’s supposed to be about seventy degrees and sunny tomorrow,” Bernice offered.
“Perfect. Then maybe I’ll ride my bike.”
At that point, Piper wanted to leave. Her bed was calling her and she was feeling sick to her stomach. She stood up and collected Faith, bidding her neighbors goodbye. Then she told Nick she wanted to leave. He offered to come with her, but she asked that he not. It was better he stay with the neighbors and have a good time. She wanted to be alone, in complete darkness in her bed.
A short while later, she could feel Faith’s body as it cuddled next to hers on top of the covers of her bed. Faith was such a loving dog and she appreciated the way Faith had become a part of her life. Piper closed her eyes and within minutes, she was fast asleep.
Hours later, she awoke to the movements of Nick getting into the bed. The room smelled of alcohol and she suspected he had enjoyed far more than his usual two beers.
“Nick, I smell a lot of alcohol. Must have exceeded your two, huh?”
“I’m sorry, Piper. Bob showed up with that Oren guy and a cooler full of beer. I wanted to see what Oren was all about. I was curious. But then I started drinking too much and just couldn’t stop. I’m no Job either. Just a loser.”
“Eve was curious too. When you play with fire, you get burned.”
“Good point.” Nick’s voice cracked and she heard him sniffle as he slid his body next to hers and pulled her close. She decided that she wouldn’t say anything else. This was the first time in years that he had exceeded his two beer limit. Tomorrow he would regret that, but that was between him and the Lord. He must have been suffering just as much as she, but he had been covering it up.
She thought of Oren in the dungeon. “Nick,” she whispered. “What does Oren look like?”
“Tall. Dark. Slicked back lid. Kind of looks like a politician.”
“British accent?”
“Yeah. Grew up in London.”
“That’s definitely Sir Oren. I hope I never meet him.”
“I didn’t forget what you said about him. Should have walked away when he got there. Should have. Could have. But didn’t.”
***
“How about joining me at church for the 11:15 service?” Nick asked Piper the following morning, as she laid in their bed in her usual depressed form, still wearing the shorts and t-shirt she had put on the day before. He stood in front of her with a glass of tomato juice in his hand, which was his drink of choice in the mornings after he had overindulged.
“No. You go. I’m just not ready to go public yet Nick.”
“C’mon, honey. It will be good for you. I’ll bet the pastor will say something inspirational. Something you need to hear. Something I need to hear.”
“Take notes for me.”
“Please.”
“No. I just can’t do it, Nick.”
“Okay. How about if we skip church and go to the beach? It’s beautiful outside today. Nice and breezy. I’ll bet the beach would help you to take your mind off things.”
“No, I’d rather not.”
“Bike ride?”
“Nope.”
Nick shrugged his shoulders and headed out the room, only to return fifteen minutes later with a bowl of popcorn and a DVD in his hand. He placed the bowl of popcorn on the nightstand next to Piper and then turned the television and DVD player on, popping the DVD into its slot. Then he hopped onto the bed next to Piper and propped up the pillows behind their heads, so that they could both comfortably sit up and watch the movie. Faith jumped up on the bed and sat between them.
“Caddyshack,” he said. “That’s what we’re going to watch.”
“Oh, Nick. I don’t want to watch Caddyshack.”
The movie started with a gopher dancing around on a golf course and the song “I’m Alright” playing from Kenny Loggins.
Piper struggled to pay attention, but found herself drifting in and out of sleep. Thoughts of her friend Cherie came to mind, and she recalled the times when Cherie had lost her babies. Tomorrow she would call Cherie.
***
“Your chicken soup is so delicious, Cherie. Thank you,” Piper said as she sat at her kitchen table with Cherie and sipped her soup. The savory and salty flavors blended perfectly, satisfying Piper’s hunger and soothing her soul.
“Thank you! I’ve spent a lot of time perfecting it. Chicken soup is my favorite.”
“Your chicken soup is my favorite! Even beats broccoli cheese.”
Piper thought of the purpose for Cherie’s visit and decided it was time to break into that conversation. “How did you do it, Cherie? My miscarriage doesn’t even compare to what you’ve been through. And look at you. No one would even know that you’ve been through hell.”
“That’s true. I have.” Cherie looked down at the soup in front of her as she gently stirred her soup. “You know, I’m not sure how I’ve gotten through this. I guess I’m an optimist, always looking on the bright side. The bright side of losing my babies is that they are now in Jesus’ arms. That’s the only bright side. I know that Jesus is loving them and loving on them and they are in heaven, in paradise.”
“Patrick is with them.”
“Yes, he is. And he’s happy, Piper. So happy. He served his calling, which was to make you even stronger than you already are. It will be because of him that you do some things in your life that you wouldn’t have normally done, whether it’s adopting children or being just a little more thankful for those you will eventually have. I’m so thankful for the children that Chase and I adopted. We’re giving them better lives and we would have never done that if we hadn’t lost our own. And Chase is now the kind of person he never would have been had our traumas not happened. I’m sure of that. Everything has a purpose and meaning. We had to go through hell to get to heaven. Just like Jesus.”
“That’s amazing, Cherie. You are such an inspiration to me and I’m so glad you’re here. I’m going through hell, but will hopefully get to heaven. Hopefully I’ll be blessed with children of my own, but if not, adoption is certainly an option. There are a few kids in the home I’ve been paying special attention to lately. Maybe I’ll talk to Nick about bringing them into our home.”
“No one said you can’t have your own children either. You’ll have children, Piper. Maybe you might consider both having children and adopting children.”
“Hmm. Yeah, maybe. My only issue with adoption is that I’m a little worried about hurting the feelings of the kids I don’t choose.”
“I understand that. I was worried about that too. Prayer helps. God guided us to the ones we chose. Trust Him. He’ll select them for you and He’ll comfort the unchosen.”
***
Piper decided to cook a nice meal for Nick. Knowing that one of his favorite dishes was grilled steak, she drove to the store and gathered all of the items needed to make him an extraordinary steak dinner. It would be a surprise for him when he returned from work.
“Wow! I smell something delicious,” he said as he strolled into the house.
“Steak, your favorite. Once you change, I want you to relax in the family room. You’re not allowed in the kitchen. I’m going to cook you an amazing meal.”
“Geez. Thanks. I sure didn’t expect that.”
A short while later, while eating dinner at the kitchen table, Piper looked Nick in the eyes and said, “I’ll get past this. I will. I talked to Cherie today and it helped me.”
“She and Chase have certainly been through a lot.”
“Yes. They have. You know, maybe we were meant to adopt kids. Maybe that’s why both of us feel called to work at the Collins Foster Home. And maybe God has chosen a few kids for us to adopt. He’ll comfort those we don’t choose. We shouldn’t worry about that.”
“I’d love to adopt kids.”
Piper took a bite of her steak and the conversation paused for a short while.
“Nick, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been taking this lately. I’ve been selfish towards you as if it’s all about me and not about you too. You also lost your son. And you’ve been an absolute champ in helping me get through this. That speaks to your character. You’re a better man than I could have even imagined when I married you. I am so blessed to have you by my side. I love you, Nick O’Brien. Please forgive me for failing to think of your needs these past couple of weeks.”
“Of course I forgive you! And I love you too, Piper. More than ever.” He put his arm around her and kissed her gently on the cheek. “But I need your forgiveness too. I blew it over the weekend. Blew my promise and drank too much. I didn’t mean to do that. The beers just tasted so good. I wish I would have stopped. Just couldn’t.”
“It’s alright, Nick. Neither of us is perfect.”
Piper stood up. “Let me hug you.”
Nick stood up and Piper wrapped her arms around him and hugged him, thinking she would do whatever she could to support his needs. It was time to stop mourning for herself and to start focusing on her love for Nick.
Closing her eyes as she looked downward, she said a silent prayer, thanking the Lord for bringing Nick into her life and for the many other blessings she had been given. A vision of Jesus’ crucifixion presented itself within her mind, which saddened her and called her attention to all that He had done for the salvation of His children. Feeling humbled and insignificant, she prayed.
Please forgive me for lashing out. I know you have a plan for me that will help turn my fine little cottage into a castle. I know I shouldn’t be asking you why these things happen, but what plan you have in mind to make me stronger. From now on, I will trust you. I promise.
Faith made herself noticeable as she squeezed her little body in between them. It was at that moment Piper once again observed the gold-colored locket on Faith’s collar with Faith’s name sketched on the outside. This time she thought to pry the locket open. She detached Faith’s collar to ensure she didn’t tug too hard on Faith’s neck, and clasped the locket with both hands. The little dog watched her intently, as if well aware of the locket’s contents.
“Wow!” She said. “The locket holds a key.”
“How interesting,” Nick said. “A golden key. I wonder what the key opens.”
“Strange that a little dog is carrying around a golden key,” Piper said.
“Or is it? Remember the other golden key?”
Both smiled.