Her advisor’s door opened, abruptly dragging Etta from her thoughts and carrying her into the here and now. He had met with her and she’d arranged her classes so she could go to Iowa to take care of her grandmother and yet not have any problems with either her classes or her TA work at school. He’d wanted to discuss her progress at school over the past year. He’d been somewhat disappointed with her lack of progress on her thesis project, but expressed his confidence that she could pick up the pace and quality of her work over the summer.
Dr. Ernst could see the wheels churning in Etta’s mind, during their discussion. Unlike many of his young advisees, she was absorbing what he was saying and she would turn things around. “Etta, I understand the things you’ve been through before coming to NMU. Unfortunately, word gets around about such things and I’d like to say I’m sorry. Until I spoke with your previous advisor at Minnesota I didn’t realize what had happened. I’m sorry that you’ve had to endure such things and I’m sorry that I haven’t been a better advisor to you throughout this year. How has your transition to the area and the new school gone this year?”
Etta took a moment to answer, her head somewhat held down and not really wanting to look him directly in the eye while discussing these things. “Fairly well, actually. I’ve got a great place to live and wonderful housemates. I’ve made quite a few friends and I really enjoy the area. It’s very beautiful here.”
He sighed at her answer. “Yes, it is quite beautiful here. Nature seems to be a theme in your writing and it’s a very classic and wonderful part of your work. You couldn’t have asked for a better location to provide you with inspiration. And I’m glad to hear you’re putting the past behind you.”
“He’s moving here!” She blurted it out. “My father just told me yesterday. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Dr. Ernst.”
Looking at Dr. Ernst, his face was now filled with alarm. “Oh, my! Now that I hadn’t heard. I’m sure you are quite concerned. And you just found out about this development?”
“Yes. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I’m glad for the chance to go to Iowa to care for my grandmother for a while. And I will think about the things you’ve said, Dr. Ernst. I have quite a bit to think about this summer, actually, more than you know.” Etta scooted to the edge of her chair, as if to stand to leave. “Yes, I’m sure you do. Etta, please stay a moment and let’s discuss this turn of events. I’d like you to consider my office a safe place to discuss these things, Etta. I have young daughters, like yourself, and I’d like to think they’d find help away from home. How are you feeling about this news?”
“Well, I’m frightened. I feel violated in a way, that he would follow me. But neither my father nor myself have proof of what he did or proof that he is following me, so I don’t know that …. I’m frustrated, Dr. Ernst. It’s just very frustrating.” She said all this in a rush, ending with a deep sigh. She pressed her temple into the palm of her hand. Just considering it was giving her a headache.
Dr. Ernst looked at her with an expressionless glance. “I hesitate to bring this up, but, the rumor mill has it you’ve been dating Tommy Donato, is that right, Etta?”
Etta returned his look, “Yes, I have. In fact, I live with his sisters.” She reluctantly anticipated what his response would be to her admission.
“Well, that young man seems to have his act together. Not many in his position would have kept going the way he has given the circumstances of his injuries and change in his prospects. I admire, a great deal, the fortitude he’s shown in the face of adversity. But, of course, I only know what I’ve read on the sports page, Etta, but it seems as though he may be a very good source of strength, resolve and protection for you. Am I correct about his character?”
“Yes, you are.”
“And what has he said about this new situation that’s arisen?”
“He doesn’t know. I haven’t told him or any of his sisters or my friends, for that matter, about the circumstances that led me to come to Michigan. He doesn’t know anything about it.”
He shook his head slightly from side to side, pursing his lips slightly. “Well, don’t you think it’s high time you told him?” He rose from his chair, took her hand as he walked her to his door. “Etta, this discussion has been from an open heart, my heart to yours. You’ll need to open your heart a bit to become a truly successful writer. You do have a lot to think about this summer. I do hope you have a safe and nurturing summer. Please contact me if there’s anything I can do for you.” He opened the door and walked her out. “I wish you well with your grandmother. I’ll take care of things with your early departure this term. Good luck and come see me in the fall when you return. I’ll want to hear how things are going.” He raised her hand to kiss the back of her hand and let her go.
* * *
The phrase kept reverberating in her head: “Don’t you think it’s high time you told him?” She kept replaying that question over and over as she walked back home. It dug into her gut and lay dead in her heart. What would he think when she told him? He would be hurt that she’d kept something so significant from him, so deep and painful and part of what made up her being. That she’d kept that away from him was hurtful beyond words. And where would she get those words to tell him?
Etta sat in her room at the foot of her bookcase, loading books into cardboard boxes. As she tended to leave mementos in books, she was going through each book carefully to make sure she didn’t take something she shouldn’t. The phone rang and she heard a loud yell from downstairs, “It’s for you, Etta!” She yelled down, “I got it.” It was Peggy.
“Hello.”
“Etta, I’m so glad I found you home. How are you?”
“I’m okay.”
“Good. Listen, my mom just told me about your grandma. I’m so sorry. How is she doing? What’s going on? What are you and your dad going to do?”
“Oh, thanks for calling, Peggy. She’s doing a bit better. We’re going to go down to take care of her. I was going to fly out on Thursday, but I have a lot of packing to do before that. I’m leaving.”
“What do you mean you’re leaving?”
“I’m going to stay with grandma indefinitely until things calm down. It’s more than just grandma. He’s coming here, Peggy. Owen’s got a job here and he’s coming. I don’t know when but I have to go.”
“Oh, Etta. Wait for me. I’ll go with you. You don’t sound good.” There was a pause over the phone. “I’ll catch a bus this afternoon and I can drive with you. I’m leaving Toledo too. My car finally died a slow death. I just can’t make it here on my own. It’s not right. I’m starving to death just making ends meet and I’m so unhappy here. I was calling to tell you I’m going home, but I’ll go with you so you don’t have to be alone. Can you wait for me? If I leave right away, I’d be there by tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah, I can wait for you. I have to talk to Tom before I go anyway. I didn’t want to do it. We had a huge argument, well, not really an argument but … things aren’t right between us right now. I wanted things to be settled between us before I told him, but it’s not right. I have to tell him before I leave, don’t I? I can’t just leave with no explanation.”
“No, you have to tell him. Oh, God, Etta. I’m really sorry but you have to tell him. I’m glad I’m going to be there for you after you do. It’ll be okay. We’ll stick together.”
“Yeah, we’ve got each other. Thanks for going, literally, out of your way for me, Peggy. I’m so grateful for you. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning and we’ll be on our way to Iowa, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Etta hung up the phone, then called Tom to ask him to come over to talk.
* * *
Tom walked into the house to find Izzy and Sophie sitting on the couch watching TV. They were quietly talking to each other.
“Hey,” Izzy said to her brother.
“Hey. Where is she?”
“Etta’s in her room. Tom, she’s packing. She went down and got boxes from the basement and she’s been up there for over an hour. We’ve been hearing her taking things down and moving things around.” “What do you mean, she’s packing?”
“She gave me a check for next months’ rent and said she was leaving tomorrow. Jesus, Tom, she hugged us both good-bye. She’s already got one load of boxes in her car. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell going to find out.” He took the stairs two at a time, calling out behind him. “I’ll let you know. Thanks.” He barged into her room, not even bothering to knock and slammed the door behind him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
She looked up at him with turbulent eyes, shocked at his abrupt language. “It’s what it looks like. I’m packing.” The soft sheers that had hung along the headboard of her bed, making a cozy, romantic oasis were gone now, leaving the stark too-bright plain pink walls.
“Where the hell are you going? School isn’t over for another two weeks. What are you doing? Don’t we mean anything to you? Not just me, but the girls, Gabby, Izzy and Sophie. They said you gave them a check and said good-bye. Talk to me, Etta.”
She heaved out a deep sigh. “Park that anger on simmer for a minute, Tom. Hear me out.”
He stood, looking down at her as she packed more books into boxes, and grabbed one of her wrists. “Tell me what you’re doing. Don’t I mean anything to you? We’ve made love on this bed over and over and over again and now you’re just packing up to leave tomorrow with no explanation?” He sat down on the end of the bed. “Come over here, sit down and talk to me.”
“I have to keep my hands busy to tell you the things I need to say, Tom. Let me do this my way. When I’m done saying what I have to say, if you want to leave, you can just go. I’ll understand.”
“Listen to me, Etta. Nothing you say to me is going to make me want to leave.”
“You don’t know that, Tom. I know you, and you’ll walk away. At least I think you will.”
“Etta, you’re talking nonsense, like it’s over.” Frustration was building within him, causing his heartbeat to pound against his chest wall.
“It is over, Tom. For all intents and purposes, it is and has to be. I’m sorry.”
Nothing else she could’ve said could’ve taken the breath out of him as quickly. He felt as though a ten-ton truck just hit him in the chest. He sucked in a breath, then brought his head to his knees, holding it in his palms.
“Tom, my grandma had a stroke.”
His head popped up to look at her. “What? That’s it? That’s what’s wrong?”
“What do you mean ‘that’s it’? That’s not enough?” Her face showed an exasperated show of being startled by his response.
He shrugged. “Well, God, no. I’m sorry. Is she okay?”
She stood before him, pacing, wringing her hands together. “Yeah, she’s okay. She’s still in the hospital, but she needs help.”
“When did you find out?”
“Yesterday. She had the stroke on Friday. Dad waited to tell me until he knew she was going to be okay and find out how much help she’d need. He needs my help to take care of her. I’ve been dealing with getting things settled here so I can drive to Iowa to take care of her.” She continued her pacing.
The furrowed lines of worry on his face were easing the more they talked. “Oh, God, Etta. You had me really worried. So you’ll spend the summer in Iowa and come back next fall. I should make sure your car is okay for the drive.”
“I already took care of that. I can take care of myself. I don’t know if I’ll be coming back, so I’m packing.”
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you come back? You’re not done. You’re not done with your degree and you’re not done with me.” He sat up again, much more in alert. Anger, once again, was rising within him. “Dammit, you can’t just leave me.”
She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, once again pacing the room, from wall to wall. “You know what I love about you, Tom? You take people as they are, for who they are and what they are. You don’t ask questions. Where they’ve come from doesn’t matter to you. You just deal with them the way they come to you. And when you do, you’re good to them. You’re warm and kind and generous. You’re a good man, Tom. You’re a very good man. I don’t deserve you.”
“Okay, yeah. Well, so why are you leaving?” He looked into the deep blue pools of her eyes as she paced before them. They weren’t a calm sea now, but a turbulent one. “Is this that secret you’ve been holding onto for forever? I’ve always known there was something, something you didn’t think you could share. I’ve known it all along, Etta. It’s in your eyes and I’ve known, no matter how much you trusted me, you didn’t completely let everything go.” He reached out his hands to her. “Please let me touch you. I have to touch you.”
She rushed into his arms, desperately kissing his face, breathing in his scent as if she would never get to hold him again. “Oh, God, Tom. I don’t ever want to let you go. But I have to.” He held her quietly and frantically, clutching her body to him, wracking his brain of what could make her behave this way towards him. So cold and yet sentimental. They clung to each other.
As much as he didn’t want to, he pulled her back from him. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but it was time. He’d been waiting months for her to finally get to the point where she was comfortable. “Tell me. I knew there would come a day. I’m a big boy. I can take it.”
“I hope you can.” She ran her knuckles along his cheekbone, stubbled and unshaven. “You’ve never asked me why I came here, Tom. Not once.”
“It didn’t matter. You’re here. I don’t care why.”
“Haven’t you wondered? Why I’d leave the comfort of my father’s home, Minnesota U where all my highschool friends were going to school?”
“I thought it was the lake, nature. Although I’ve wondered why you didn’t choose UMD. You could’ve had that there too.”
“That’s right. I could. But I came here, far from home where nobody knew who I was, where I wouldn’t run into familiar faces.”
“Okay. So you wanted nature and anonymity. So what?”
Etta kissed him one last time deeply, then pulled herself away and crossed her arms to lean back against the wall across from him. This was her moment of truth. She had to stand tall and firm and strong. She’d need to be her own strength from this moment on. “Have you ever heard of a hockey player named Randall? Owen Randall?”
His brow furrowed in confusion. “Yeah, sure. He’s some schmuck from Edina. I knew him in high-school. He’s a real ass, always has been. He got in some kind of trouble in college. Allegations of rape or something. He supposedly date-raped some girl by putting drugs in her drinks, but he got off on the charges. The school even let him ….” Etta just kept staring at him as he continued on in the explanation that she knew too well, her gaze never leaving his eyes. “It’s you. It was you, wasn’t it?”
An instantaneous surge of adrenaline made its way from his head to his heart, then to his muscles. Tom’s face grew red as he rose from the bed towards Etta, her arms still folded against her chest. “Was it you? Did he ….. God, I can’t even say it.” She just nodded her head. “Say it! I need to hear it out loud so I know the truth.” He didn’t raise his voice, but his calm, steady tone was almost more frightening.
“Yes, I was raped. I don’t know if he raped me or not, Tom. That’s why he got away with it. I don’t remember who it was. I don’t remember anything but bits and pieces.”
Tom’s reaction was quick and furious. With an abrupt and violent stroke, he reached out behind her and hit his fist against the wall, punching a hole in both the plaster and the lathe behind it. “I’ll kill him.” He turned away from her, his hand now throbbing as he pulled his fist to his chest. “I’ll kill him without a moment of regret.” He couldn’t look her in the eye. He was ashamed at the violence rushing through him.
Etta touched his back carefully, with a soft and tender stroke. “No, you won’t. You won’t touch him because he’s nothing but trouble. Trouble I was getting away from when I came here and met you. He’s not worth it. And he’ll never be held accountable for those things, but I couldn’t stay there and be hounded. I was humiliated. Reporters were dogging my every move. I came here for a clean break and I got it. My first night here I met you. You’ve given me back myself, Tom. I’m so much stronger than I was when I got here. I’ll always owe you for that.”
“You don’t owe me a damned thing, Etta. You never have and you never will. I love you, but I’ve got to go calm down. I’ll see you later.” He stormed out of her room and out of the house before she could say any more to him. She’d known he would go, but she thought she’d have time to tell him all of the truth. The truth that she loved him as much or maybe even more than he loved her. Maybe he’d never know what he meant to her. She didn’t know how to tell him. Her words weren’t good enough and would only hurt him more. She’d like to take a lifetime showing him how she felt, but it wasn’t meant to be. She didn’t know what the future would bring for her, but Owen had made Marquette a place, once again, where she couldn’t return. And because of that she had to let Tom go. For that, she sat in her room on her bed, hugging a stuffed animal and wept bitterly.