SIGMA
The finals came and left. I passed all my classes with the highest grades, as usual. Given the nature of my project with Maggie, I decided to skip summer class this quarter. I still meet with Glenda and Tess once in a while and even planned a trip with them, maybe to visit Glenda's mother at Washington State, although Tess wanted to go to New York or Hawaii. Too expensive for us, we were still discussing the details. I also wanted to get extra hours at work to save more money. I admitted that I had a personal interest in being as busy as possible: to distract myself from William.
Of course, I kept sabotaging myself. I kept his last letter in my Chest. I read it every night, passing my fingers over his handwriting, thinking of him. Where he was, who he was with.
"You see that it's not love," Brie said. "How can he live without you so easily if that were the case?"
I agreed with her on an intellectual level, but the longing in my heart, which came mostly from the now mute Elle, was hard to ignore. I was mourning him; even my mother noticed.
"Are you okay? You seem depressed?" "Just stressed out...I'm okay"
"You would tell me if you were pregnant right? You know I will help you."
"Yes mom and no I'm not pregnant. My plans are not going my way. You know how much that upsets me. I will be fine." She nodded and let me be for the moment at least.
One day, Glenda and Tess, sick of my lack of energy and enthusiasm, talked to me.
"I know you had the hots for that Toby, but really, he's just a guy," Glenda said.
I couldn't tell them exactly what had really happened. And given that I'd told them that Toby was not the man I thought he was, they'd assumed it was him who took away my smile. Toby lost my interest completely when I saw him again with that girl for the third time. Not to mention the other girls I saw him hanging out with. I didn't want to be part of a soft harem.
"What you need is to hook up with someone, anyone to get over those.feelings," Tess added, shrugging.
Tess was the strongest of all us. She never fell for any guy and just had pure and simple fun. Her favorite hobby was to rate her lovers after they parted ways the morning after. I rarely read her descriptions, it seemed too invasive, but according to Glenda, she was very detached about the whole thing. I wished I were like her. I wished it so much so that I decided to follow her advice.
I hit the bars with Tess and tried to imitate her direct approach. It was painful and useless. My brain was branded with the feel of his lips. My skin couldn't recognize another man's hands. Men weren't interchangeable for me, it seemed. I kept comparing all of them to the one I'd almost had and driven away.
I did make out with some guys but the last time I tried to force myself to lose my virginity, it had been a disaster of epic proportions. The guy was into it, but I was acting mechanical, cold as a fish. Funny enough, guys apparently don't want to get involved with unresponsive, bored women. He left before I was naked enough to even call it hot hookup.
After that, I just gave up. I stopped trying to hook up and concentrated on my work. As always, science was my happy place.
Elle was wordless during all this, even with other men touching me. She remained mute and cold. I was shocked at her lack of response. Gabe was confused about the whole thing. That left Brie to run the show. But there was nothing my logical side, always strong and wise, could do to heal the ache I felt.
I came home night after night, robotically helping mom to bed as usual. I'd prepared myself something to eat without a care as to what it was. Food didn't taste