Chapter 3
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt
Saturday morning!
I felt like a kid again, Saturday NO SCHOOL! But now it was NO WORK for a whole week but a whole week with my family. Joy!.
For a change I didn't dream about Chris last night! But it was a nightmare instead. The same nightmare I’ve had since I left home, at the leaver’s party with my cousin Alex and the last night I saw my family. Accept from my Granddad and step-Nan, I have no one who I can really call family. My grandparent’s always believed in me, when my actual parents always thought me a disappointment.
I was always a disappointment to them, when I was at school. I was never good at... well anything really. I hated maths, I mean I can count but why would I ever need to know the square root of pie in my everyday life. I haven't used it yet! I didn't understand science! Why does the Earth rotate around the sun? I don’t know because it does, why question it! Why do we need to have to answer that! English... well the day the teachers told my Dad that they thought I was dyslexic. He got that teacher fired.
He said “How dear she! To think that a daughter of mind would be... that! There is no such thing as dyslexia it’s all laziness of the mind. We’ll fix this don’t worry” he said to me, I was only fourteen but as time went on he could tell that it wasn’t just being lazy. I couldn't really read or spell at the same age as the other children, I understood all the rules, I just couldn't remember them. I didn't speak like everyone else in my family either because... well to be honest because I never could understand the words they were saying. Still can't really. Over the years I tried to hide it from everyone until it came to the time of doing my exams and told my father I failed all of them and they thought the reason was that I was dyslexic he looked at me like I had some sort of disease! Like I was a disgrace to the family name.
I failed all my A levels that my father knew I was taking but he ever knew I did Art and Music until the day of my results. I got A's in both subjects, I loved Art and I loved music.
They were. They are the only things I'm good at, the only subjects where I feel I can do but my Mum and Dad would have none of it, my Dad said
“You will never make money out of being an artist and I won't have a daughter of mine being some musician, you will never make any money” everything in our family went around money! I understood that it was important and without it you can’t survive but it shouldn’t go ahead of your dreams!
“What do you think you will be Leah, a singer? Is that it? Well you won't. Your head is full of dreams. We've let you get too wild” my Mum would say, cocktail in hand as always.
“I don't care; I don't need to make money to be happy. and I don't want to be a singer I want to help make music… like composing but I can sing Mum and I'm good with music you've heard me, I'm ok. I just know that this is the only thing I'm good at and it would make me happy” I begged trying to sound them the best I can that this was something I needed to do.
“We are your parents and we know what is best for you and we say you will not be doing art or music anymore do you understand me” my Mother yelled.
“Granddad said I'm good and he said he thinks it's a great idea about making music” I shouted back not wanting to back down like always! I needed to fight for what I wanted Nan said and I was trying to do just that but I knew… I knew they would never back down to this.
“Your grandfather would tell you anything and I'm telling you. You're not good enough!”
I'll always remember that. You're not good enough! You're not good enough! It still hurt. When someone tells you you're not good at the only thing, you thought you were good at. I used to think I had a good voice, probably because I was young, but I never wanted to be a singer. I wanted to help people who loved music like I do and help them make their dreams come true. I would have loved doing anything! As long as it was to do with music, teaching, composing, producing! Anything!
That day I went to see Granddad to tell him the about my results. I founded it harder to tell him about them because he believed in me so much more. When I told him he didn't see it has bad news. He was so happy for me for getting my two A's in Art and Music, he knew I only cared about them anyway.
“That's my girl, I told you didn't I? I told you, you'll be my little star. On the west end singing your heart out” he hugged me tight. I loved my Granddad so much, he was so happy for me I forgot about my parents and the other grads.
“You know I don't want to be a singer, old man. I just wanted to make you proud of me” I said getting a little teary. It was quite as he stood looking at me with love and proudness shining through.
“I'm always proud of you Leah, for just being you, just the way you are” I started crying into his arms. If I didn't have him I'd be so alone, he was my everything, my Granddad, the Dad I always needed and the friend I always wanted to have.
“Oh dear, now what's going on in here” Nanny Meg, Granddads second wife came in the room.
“Leah got two A's in Art and Music” Granddad said proudly. Nanny Meg cheered in happiness and pulling me into her arms congratulating me.
“Oh, well done dear. You should be out celebrating with your friends, not here with the oldies” she smiled. I loved Nanny Meg, I was very young when my Nan died and I never see my Mum’s mother who lives God knows where, so Nanny Meg was the only Nan I ever really had.
I remember thinking 'oldies?’ They didn't live old, skiing trips and back packing around the world'
“She's right, Lea. Go see your friends”
With that I kissed them both goodbye and made my way to a friend's house that was having a leaver’s party with everyone from school. That’s where the nightmare happened and things with my family went from bad too BAD.
After half a bottle of vodka I stopped caring about what had happened with my parents that day.
What will be will be?
The night was going great before my cousin Alex and his stupid friends turned up. They were all spoiled little rich boys who thought they were god's gift. The walked in dressed from head to toe in Raphe Lauren just waiting to get beaten up, with their heads held high like they were looking down their noses at everyone then walking into the party with Alex as there leader. Top dog, he liked to think of himself. I hated that I was related to him. He freaked me out. The way he sometimes looked at me just made me feel sick, there was something not quite right with him… mentally. I remember he started acting a little weird a couple of years ago before his parents, my Uncle Peter and Auntie Ava sent him away to boarding school and ever since he came back he was just… weirder.
“Why if it isn't my little cousin” he walked over to me eyeing my body up and down with his dark creepy eyes. He was the same age as my sister… why was he at a schools leaver party?
“Hello ‘little’ Alex” I said, normally I would never try to annoy or tease him but being drunk, who cares. The little Alex joke sent a group of girls nearby giggling. Before he could start talking to me again I slipped away from the group and went to find my friends.
A couple of hours later, I hadn't seen Alex atoll, he must have gone home I thought but was proven wrong as I went upstairs to use the loo and saw Alex in the way of the door.
“What do you want Alex?” I said not in the mood for his silly little games, I was too drunk at this point.
“You” he said smirking.
“Very funny, now move” I said but he didn't move a bit.
“I'm not joking Leah. I want you and you more than anyone here knows I get what I want” he gripped both my arms hard as he pulled his body towards mine, pushing us together. I let out a little gasp feeling too shocked and sick to do anything else. I tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let go of me.
“I'm your cousin you pervert” I yelled. Alex's hand came across my face so hard I fell to the floor. I remember the heated pain of my cheek and head hitting the hard ground.
Everything happened so fast, I just remember him pulling me into one of the bedrooms with me kicking and screaming under his hand. He laid me on the bed pushing me hard into the mattress, he was over powering me and I remember being so scared. I was too drunk to understand what was going on…I didn't know what to do; he was so much more, stronger than me. I remember I was crying… and he was laughing. He tried to kiss me but I hit or scratched him… I couldn’t remember but it sent him back enough for me to bring my knee up between his legs. Hearing a girly scream come from Alex's mouth I run from the room, not faster enough as he grabbed my arm pulling me back, I screamed aloud hoping someone would hear me over the music but no one came. He pushed me back on the floor ripping my top. I just remember hitting him over and over again as he touched my breast… and the rest of my body. I felt sick everything was so dizzy. I reached around me for something to grab… I managed to grab something that felt like a hairdryer and hit him as hard as I could over the head with it, it didn’t knock him out but it moved him off me enough to run… I ran out the room, out of the house fighting through the drunken teenagers and I just kept running until I was out of breath. I couldn’t stop shaking; I couldn’t get his evil dark eyes looking down at me… I felt sick and cold. I can’t remember much after that enough than the cold, I remember crying all the way home and feeling dirty. I managed to get the bus near home and walked the rest of the way. By the time I got home, I thought everyone would be asleep but all the lights where on in the main dining room. I went inside and saw my Mum, Dad, Jess, Uncle Peter and Aunt Ava and… Alex, with a towel attached to his cheek and Aunt Ava holding a blooded one to his head, he looked pretty hurt. Good! I thought he deserved worse than that. As soon as he looked my way I couldn’t look at him anymore, I felt my heart jump in my throat and the shaking started again, I needed to get out of here, I couldn’t be in the same room as him.
He’s just attacked me!! I just spent all night running away from him, why is he here in my dining room! What was going on?
Is he here to say sorry?
Has he told them that he attack me… nearly raped me!
From the looks on their faces I don't think so.
“Come in Leah”... my Mum said... or more hissed.