Alexis had been sitting on the mattress laid on the floor for about an hour, staring in front of herself, motionless. She was still trying to get over the things that had happened that evening. It all felt like being trapped inside a treadwheel, with no way out at all. Everything seemed so confusing and had happened so fast once she had got out of Nathaniel’s car and entered her parents’ house. She could still picture the little group inside the living room. They had all been sitting around Dominic and had lifted their eyes toward her as she walked in through the entrance. Alex had been thoroughly surprised and had gazed at them in amazement as she studied the worried faces of her parents and then Dominic’s mum and dad.
“What happened?” she asked bewildered. Then at once, a wave of shock swept through her mind. "Ronnie!" she had screamed inside.
Since she couldn’t see her sister among the others, her first thought was that something might have happened to her. But the young girl had just appeared in the living room, with a glass of water in her hand. Seeing her older sister, she gave her a pale smile. A huge rock rolled off Alexis’ heart. But she still didn’t know what had caused the group to gather.
“Could somebody please tell me what’s going on?” she asked, stepping closer to them, after placing her shopping bags beside the wall.
“Nothing serious. They’re only overreacting,” Dominic said finally, and with a sigh, he leant back on the sofa.
Mary Blake, whose hand was resting on Dominic’s thigh, now looked at her son reprimandingly. Then, turning to Alex, she began to talk with a voice full of worry.
“If someone is diagnosed with diabetes type one, you can hardly call it overreacting. It is quite serious.”
“Diabetes mellitus,” Nick added, nodding slowly.
“What?” she exclaimed in shock, and quickly making her way around the low coffee table, went to join the others. She squatted down beside Nick and stared at him.
“Diabetic? You? But how is it possible? How long have you known? And anyway…”
“I received the test result today.”
“He had tried to reach you all afternoon, but you didn’t pick up,” Elisabeth interrupted, sounding reproachful.
Alex lifted her head with the feeling that the whole company was eyeing her with disapproval.
“I was working in the hospital,” she mumbled with embarrassment.
“Come on, Beth!” Nick shook his head, trying to ease the edge of the woman’s previous remark. “I only tried calling her once. I knew you were working,” he said, turning to the girl, placing his hand soothingly on hers.
Alex nodded, and thought of Nathaniel with guilt, bitterly recalling all that had happened in the medical storage room. “But how did you find out? Did you get sick? You never mentioned anything was wrong.”
“So typical of him,” Mary intervened again, and tilting her head with resentment, ran her fingers through her son’s hair as though he was still a little child.
“I had never really felt sick, only lately…”
“He has lost weight,” Mary interrupted him once more, impatiently, turning to Alexis for affirmation.
She nodded supportively, placing her palm on the woman’s.
“Mother, please.”
“Will you just let him speak?” said Frederick Blake, Nick’s father.
Mary exhaled loudly, then folding her arms, went quiet.
“Actually, I have lost a good few pounds of late and felt thirsty all the time. And I’ve been more tired than usual.”
“Oh,” Alex sighed, hearing the typical symptoms of diabetes type one.
“But it’s not that bad.”
“Don’t make it look smaller than it is,” Mary Blake said, breaking her forced silence once again.
“Insulin will be a must for me, unfortunately, but the illness can be kept at bay very well with it. I will increase my intake of yams and cinnamon capsules,” Nick said with a smile, trying to ease the tension of the moment. “I’m a doctor after all, aren’t I?”
Other than Alex, nobody smiled. She sat on the floor leaning on Dominic’s knee, while the two families debated for another hour, discussing what should be done in this unexpected situation, and what would be the best solution for Nick. The quietest of the group was the one most involved. During both parents’ fierce and at times rather loud conversation, Ronnie settled herself a little farther away, into the nook of an armchair, and silently followed the events with big, scared eyes.
The Blake family left at about 9, and all this time, Alex and Dominic had no chance to talk things calmly through. Eventually, Alex walked them all the way to their car, where she gave the boy a kiss on the cheek before he got into the vehicle. Her eyes followed the dying red light of the car in the darkness with confused feelings.
Now she was in Ronnie’s room, on the mattress next to the wall, which had served as a bed to her whenever she decided to spend the night there. Her thoughts kept racing around each other with such speed that she was unable to fall asleep. Looking to the side, she saw that her sister had gone out like a light. She heaved a sigh and got under the blanket. She closed her eyes, but all she could see was Dominic with a syringe in his hand, and then the family, looking down at her reproachfully because she hadn’t answered his phone calls. She could also picture Nathaniel on the football pitch in a dark blue jersey, with a number 9 on his back. She could also see the name ’Cruz’. Then, Dominic came to her mind again, and the fact that he was ill, and that from now on he would have to shoot insulin all the time. A little after midnight, her tired brain gave up, and she fell asleep.
#
The next day, she went with Nick to the hospital as he had to have a few more tests run due to the insulin treatment. Although he didn’t take it so tragically as his parents, Alex knew him well enough to notice that he was still a bit taken aback as he read his test result in the corridor of the hospital. They had spent the whole day together, and later, as she got home, she found two envelopes in the mailbox: a small but thick one and one that was larger. As she glanced at the smaller one, she immediately recognised the Bradford logo in the top left corner. The name of the larger envelope’s sender also looked interesting. Undoubtedly, it was the response from the Swedish university regarding the half-year internship she had applied for months before. Biting her lower lip, she racked her brains, not knowing what to do. She knew that the envelope with the Bradford stamp could only have come from Nathaniel. A pleasant chill ran through her as she pulled her forefinger over her name, written in the boy’s hand. The ink was a flame to her skin. She threw herself on a chair in the kitchen and impatiently ripped open the smaller envelope. She couldn’t help smiling as she caught sight of the five tickets inside; they were for Bradford’s next local game. There was also a small piece of paper there, with a note on it:
“I’d be glad if you and the boys could come and root for me at the next game. If we don’t meet until then, Luis will give you the VIP ticket at your seats. Say hello to Lenny and Daniel for me. Hope to see you soon again. Nate”
She only noticed then that she had forgotten to breathe while she had been reading his handwritten lines. Now she sighed deeply and held the envelope tight against her chest. She simply had no other choice. She already knew that she would accept the invitation. Her waking guilt was somewhat numbed by the fact that it would also make the little boys happy if they went to the match.
Now she turned her attention to the other envelope.
#
The children’s enthusiasm as they heard the news exceeded all her expectations. The whole week through, they made preparations for the big event, and it was a pleasure to see how their eyes glittered with anticipation. Eventually, Sunday arrived, and the little group of boys covered in bandages took their seats in the stadium, in Sector A, row five. The mother of one of the boys, who seemed to be the worrying type, also accompanied them; and Alex was actually pleased about that. Thus all of the five tickets were used. They must have been a strange sight as people seemed to forget to remove their gaze from them. Lenny with his crutches, Daniel with the turban-like bandage half-covering his head, and Cody, wearing a scar on his right cheek, were quite a spectacle. But then, as soon as the teams marched onto the pitch to warm up, the kids forgot everything, and instead of patients, they became average young football fans. As promised, Luis soon made an appearance, and with his usual big smile, handed over the VIP lounge tickets. He asked if the boys wanted to go up and have a drink straight away, but seeing how excitedly they watched the events on the pitch, the idea was immediately discarded. They decided to stay until the intermission.
As the teams marched out onto the pitch, the players' names were announced over the loudspeakers, one after the other, beginning with their first names, and followed by their more famous last names to the delight and cheer of the crowd. Caught up in the children’s enthusiasm, Alex joined in the cheering with the rest of the stadium. Only when the name of number nine came up, did she go suddenly quiet. Before lining up for the kickoff, Nathaniel gave them a very notable look, and although he didn’t beckon, he greeted them with a nod and a smile. Alex tingled with pleasure and a little pride at the gesture: this was Bradford, the best team in the country, and this time Nate Cruz wasn’t just a cute guy at high school, but an internationally acclaimed football star. Alexis didn’t consider herself superficial, but under such circumstances, the boy’s heated interest in her made her feel dangerously tempted.
During the first half, the teams were only tasting each other, and forty-five minutes passed without a goal, even though Lenny had done all he could from his seat, relentlessly instructing the players at the top of his lungs, seemingly taking every missed opportunity as a personal tragedy. As the game continued, Nate visibly gave 100% of his concentration to the task, never once sending a glance towards the grandstand. As the teams started for the dressing rooms, though, he sought them out with his eyes, and briefly waved to them. Due to the uniqueness of the scene, the boys' mouths dropped with amazement.
At the break, Luis joined them and led them to a table. The kids never stopped asking questions, especially when it turned out what Lu’s relationship was to Nate. Their happiness was indescribable. Then, as the other four went to the buffet to fill their plates again, Alex and Lu were left on their own for a while. He looked at her with interest, while she, deep in thought, fiddled with the corner of her damask napkin.
“What an unbelievable story!” he remarked, out of the blue.
Alex looked up, and shyly cocked her head.
“I mean, your story. Nate’s and yours. With all the confusion about the names and the letters.”
“Oh, that! Yes, indeed,” she nodded with a deep sigh, smiling dimly. “Yes, what a mess.”
Luis paused a little, as though not knowing whether or not to dig deeper into the subject. And then, with sudden determination, he began to speak.
“I’m not sure you know, but Nate took it very badly. Back then…. erm,” he began, clearing his throat, “he was terribly disappointed that things turned out the way they did.”
Alex lifted her gaze to him, and listened, holding her breath. Slowly, Luis continued.
“I think, you were his first… how should I put it? His first love.”
“I doubt it, Lu. He hardly even knew me,” she responded quietly, while her cheeks were aflame.
“That hardly counts in such cases. We can’t control whom we fall in love with. This is high chemistry, I think,” he added with a mysterious smile, lifting a finger.
At this, Alex laughed.
“Say no more!” she stated, shaking her head. “Yes, I agree, it must have been something like that. As it happens, I have always been rubbish at chemistry.” She waited a little, but since he was still quiet, she continued. “The truth is, I had a hard time too. But I was convinced that he hadn’t been serious at all, so I tried to erase him from my memory.”
“Did you succeed?” Luis glanced at her.
“Well, partly,” she shrugged. “You know, sometimes when we talk, it feels like we really get along. It’s all so natural and obvious. It's as if we've known each other for a very long time. Then, suddenly, everything changes for no reason. Then it's as though a different guy is standing before me. His words are different; his facial expressions are different; and… well… he behaves so differently toward me if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, yes,” Lu nodded, rolling his eyes. “I know what you’re saying. That is very Nathaniel.”
“Why does he do this?”
Luis looked at her, raising his eyebrows. He could hardly believe that the girl didn’t know what was in the background. Alex took a deep breath and averted her eyes.
“He always reacts like this when he is uncertain or frustrated. It's some kind of a protective mechanism, I think,” he said, scratching the back of his head.
“Uncertain? Of himself?”
Luis shook his head slowly. “Oh no. Not of himself.”
“Of me?”
“I wouldn’t say that either,” he said with a sneaky smile. “He’s frustrated about the whole situation.”
“I have a boyfriend,” Alex stated suddenly, without as much as a transition.
“I know,” Lu nodded.
“Nathaniel doesn’t hold this in the smallest regard,” she blurted. It sounded more like an effort to convince herself, rather than to reassure the other.
He began to nod slowly, then turned his whole body towards her, and said serenely, “Nathaniel is in love, Alex.”
#
After the match, the whole team had dinner in the VIP lounge, celebrating their 3-2 victory. The boys felt that they were in Paradise, and by the end of the meal, their jerseys were covered with the footballers' signatures. They were having a great time, and Nate looked quite relaxed. He shared jokes loudly with his teammates and the children. Again and again, he sent unambiguous looks towards the girl, who, nevertheless, tried her best to avoid looking back at him. Lu’s previous statement about Nathaniel being in love with her had taken her off guard. An erotic attraction? Yes. Physical desire? Hell, yes. Lustful dreams? No doubt… But love?
At the end of the dinner, she walked Lenny to the bathroom, as he still moved rather cumbersomely with his crutches. She walked up and down the hall, trying to conceal her awkwardness by studying the posters of the club’s stars from earlier times. She knew that since their last conversation, Nathaniel was probably counting on her having spoken to Nick about the two of them, about their relationship and the future. She was sure he was staring at her with such big eyes because he was convinced that Alex had clarified her situation at home. Her stomach churned at the thought of how far everything was from being clarified. Nate had no idea about what had happened since. They had had no chance to talk so she couldn’t have told him about the unexpected diabetes issue. It seemed impossible to have come up with the drama of let’s-clarify-whether-we-love-each-other-or-not at the time when Nick’s illness had just been discovered. She suspected that she was looking ahead to a rather uncomfortable conversation with Nathaniel, and really hoped that the boy would understand the situation.
The sound of footsteps woke her from her agonising thoughts. She looked up and saw Nathaniel making his way towards her in the hall. He stopped a few footsteps away from her, tilted his head, and to Alex’s despair, began to talk wearing his most overwhelming smile.
“Are you escaping from me?”
“Me? Escaping?”
“I have the feeling that whenever we meet, you try to get as far from me as possible. You even avert my gaze.”
“Nonsense,” Alex said, embarrassed, but setting her eyes on his mouth.
Nate stepped closer, and placing his right hand on her waist with determination, held on to her tightly. Taking her right hand with his left, he began to half-jokingly dance with her. The gesture was sweet, and under normal circumstances, Alex would have enjoyed the game. That is, if she hadn’t been in such trouble.
“Okay. Then come and dance with me!” Nate purred into her ear, softly touching her earlobe.
“Dance?” she sighed, while she was unaware of her body moving in sync with his, to the mysterious beat of some silent music.
“Bradford’s 120th-anniversary celebration is on next week. Come with me to the party!”
Alex suddenly realised what he was talking about. The other day, Dr Graham was giving out tickets to the physiotherapy students to the anniversary celebration, which was to take place at Bradford Stadium. Although with a heavy heart, she still turned down the opportunity. To be correct, she declined because of Nathaniel. She didn’t want to make the already complicated situation even more problematic for herself. Unfortunately, this was the very event to which he wanted to take her. Part of her – the one that kept having erotic dreams since their first kiss, starring Nate Cruz – would have been delighted to say yes to the invitation, even though common sense told her otherwise. There were hardly a few days till the party; she and Nick would most probably not meet beforehand to clear the issue. Dominic was looking ahead to a special practice week, and all Alex could remember was that the boy was going to spend it at a hospital in Reading. So an intimate talk under calm circumstances before the weekend was out of the question. She just couldn’t stomach the idea of dating a man while being another’s girlfriend. Plus, being familiar with Nathaniel Cruz’s temper, and how far things could go whenever they were on their own for just a moment, Alex had no delusions about a platonic date with cotton candy in the park. Somehow she needed to get out of this jam. She needed to buy time. She pulled away from the boy, and finally chose the easy way. She told a white lie.
“I can’t go.”
“There you go, again. See, I am right,” laughed Nate. “You are escaping from me.”
She lifted her head and looked at him uncertainly.
“I can’t go with you, because… I’m going with Dominic,” she improvised, and her heart sank.
Nate’s arm dropped and went limp. He took a step back, and asked with a dry voice, “How do you mean that?”
Alex hated herself. She knew she was causing disappointment again, but she didn’t think she had a choice.
“The thing is, Dr Graham gave me the tickets. I mean, not just to me, but to every physio student. And I’ve already discussed it with Nick. So, we’re going,” she responded dejectedly.
While people squeezed past them, they studied them directly, giving them critical looks. Alex blushed, then turned pale as she heard her own lie echo down the corridor. She just couldn’t look into the young man’s eyes anymore. She turned her head away.
“I don’t get it,” he said, sounding irritated. “I thought…”
“I know. I know, and I’m sorry, Nate, but things have changed.”
At this point, Lenny came to stand beside them, and pointing towards the others with his crutch, began to beg, “We don’t have to go yet, right? Can we stay a while longer, Alex?”
She looked around nervously. It was impossible to continue discussing personal matters in the presence of the little boy. Anyway, what she was about to tell Nate wasn’t something you could just lightly blurt out.
“What do you mean ‘changed’?” Nathaniel hissed between his teeth, visibly ignoring that other people were within hearing distance.
“Dominic… I…” she struggled, sending a worried look to the little boy.
Nate leaned close to her ear, and continued in a whisper.
“What could have possibly changed since last time? In the medical storage room I didn’t have the feeling that you missed him too much. Have you suddenly fallen in love with him?” he asked with sharp cynicism, causing her face to flush again.
The word arsehole was on the tip of her tongue, when Lenny yanked at her sweater. She squeezed her lips tight, and chose to curse silently.
“Please, Alex. Pleeeeeease,” the little boy pleaded. She smiled permissively, and patted his cheeks.
“Half an hour more, that’s it. But then we will definitely have to go.”
For lack of anything more to say, she started back to the lounge with the little boy. Alex could sense that Nate wasn’t following them. She turned back and saw him standing at the same place, leaning against the wall. Shaking with restrained emotions, lips squeezed together tight, he stared into nothingness. There was something sinister about his dark gaze.
#
The 120th anniversary of the football club was made even more significant by the fact that the club had won last season's League Cup. In the present season they were also doing well, so both the players and the management had cause to feel ecstatic. The anniversary programme started in the morning with various activities organised for children and adults. There was a goal competition; a raffle; the youth football team held a demo, and the Bradford reserve team played a friendly. There was an opportunity to take photos with the star players and collect their signatures. Some of the footballers were seated behind a long row of tables, receiving the endless flood of fans with seemingly infinite patience.
Nathaniel Cruz was the first in the row, and even he was unaware of how many times he had scribbled his name on a jersey, cap or ball, placed before him. His hand knew its job and it automatically worked without him having to keep an eye on it. He lay back to stretch out his slightly stiff body, and also to see if the queue had become shorter during the past two hours. He didn’t see a difference. The line was still quite long; the multitude of expectant faces, glittering eyes promised nothing good. He turned back and gave a charming smile to a pretty, black-haired girl standing in front of him. She smiled back and pulled down the left side of her T-shirt neck, just enough to reveal her shoulder. Both Nate and Paolo Ramos, sitting next to him, just stared.
“Please, put your autograph here. Right here,” she said, pointing to her bare shoulder and leaning in a bit closer to Nathaniel.
Ramos nudged his teammate on the shoulder, making Nate laugh and wink at him.
“As you wish, madam,” he replied, and marked the shameless black-haired girl with his signature.
The cameras clicked and flashed everywhere. Nathaniel could already see himself pictured with the girl in the morning issues. He shrugged inside. It didn’t bother him at all. His dark thoughts were at the time wandering elsewhere.
Alexis was excitedly pulling at the frills of her black night dress and took one last critical glance in the mirror inside the elevator before they got out at the floor of the elegantly decorated VIP lounge. The past few days had been quite tense for her, and she strongly hoped that her heavy makeup would efficiently cover the dark circles of sleeplessness under her eyes. The cause of her headache wasn’t only the challenge of obtaining the anniversary tickets from Dr Graham for which she had applied too late, but the adjustment and application of Dominic’s insulin dose, which had also coincided with the event. Although he had never complained, Alex still felt guilty, whenever she thought of him. She could feel almost every day how she was drifting away from Nick emotionally, and how she felt more and more attracted to Nathaniel. By now she knew that whatever she had been feeling for Dominic these many years, didn’t have much to do with romance. It was more likely to have been an intimate friendship, a close union that had bound them together, which probably began at nursery, but had never developed into anything passionate. She was all the more certain about this because she could compare her feelings to what she felt when she was near Nathaniel. She didn’t understand how she had been able to mistake the one for the other for so long. She had needed Nate Cruz to open her eyes to this. The knowledge that she was able to feel a reckless and passionate desire for a man other than just a warm and cosy attraction, took her by complete surprise. She had no doubt that she would eventually break up with Nick: she was only waiting for the right moment. It would’ve been callous of her to leave him at this time just when his illness had come to light. Although the two things were completely unrelated, such bad timing would have made it seem totally unfair. She was positive that she was walking on wafer-thin ice, and whatever she would do, she would unwillingly cause harm to others.
The entire physiotherapy team settled down at a single table, and it seemed to Alex that the whole time through they did nothing else but take photos of themselves and each other with their mobile phones. Countless prominent guests, journalists and actors were present at the celebration. Many of the club’s earlier legends presented themselves, which made Alex’s eyes flash up with excitement. Although she knew many, and had even acknowledged many due to their achievements in sport, she didn’t go as far as approaching them for a shared photo. As she watched the constant flickering of camera flashes, she almost felt pity for the ‘victims’. She understood it must be terrible not to be able to let yourself go for a moment, not to relax, not to be yourself, because a camera might strike you down at any moment, documenting your worst aspects. Of course, it didn’t escape her attention that it was mostly Nathaniel and his teammates who were caught in the crossfire of cameras throughout the evening. As far as she could tell from her place, Nate was coping wonderfully with the situation, and it didn’t show in the least that he had had enough, or that he would have felt bothered. Their eyes had already met once when he arrived at the lounge somewhat late, with his cousin by his side. On Luis’ arm a roughly three-year-old, little round-faced, blond-haired boy sat with charming, hazel eyes. It must be his son, crossed the thought in Alex’s mind, as she remembered Nate mentioning the ‘junior’.
Nate cast an icy gaze at her and Nick, and a bit later he came over to their table to greet them. The university students were all impressed by the prominent visitor, and the picture-taking commenced at once, which made Alex wish the earth would open up and swallow her. Dominic was the only one who remained in control. He just got up and courteously shook Nathaniel’s hand. At that moment, Alex felt endless gratitude for him.
The team’s president and manager both delivered a short speech, praising the outstanding achievement of the team in the previous season. A few others also grabbed the mic. Alex didn’t know most of them, but it seemed like they were all integral members of the Bradford squad. The food was plentiful and fabulously delicious, as it always was in the VIP lounge, and there was no shortage of drinks either. Alex allowed herself to consume a bit more than usual, and as she got up from the table, she could sense that the alcohol had gone to her head. Unconsciously, she turned more often to Nick to see if everything was okay with him, even though she knew there was no need to do this at all. Whenever this happened, he smiled back at her reassuringly and patted her hand. Over time, Alex began to notice that Nick was more and more often trying to suppress a yawn. She knew fine well that he wasn’t exactly in his element with this group of people. She had no doubts that Nick was bored, and that his thoughts were somewhere else. It took Alex quite a bit of diplomatic skill to talk him into coming to the party at all with her. It was crystal clear that he hadn’t felt like coming, but this time Alex couldn’t have let things slip from her hands. After all that she had said to Nathaniel under pressure, she could by no means have shown up on her own. As the evening progressed, it seemed like Nate was also getting into a more pleasant and relaxed mood. The initial tension had disappeared from his face, and he turned more and more frequently to their table, sending smiles to Alex very openly.
A great hit of the night was a film clip featuring the most spectacular goals of the season. Every guest that wanted to participate in the quiz had to take a printed a sheet to create their own list of the top goals. Alex soon admitted that there had been many brilliant goals over the season, and it felt terribly difficult to choose the best of the bunch. In the meantime, her passion for football had begun to get the better of her, and she and her friends started to argue aloud, jovially. Alex eventually voted on a goal that she called ‘cheeky