CHAPTER TWELVE
The Hindi word for house is ghar.
Kishore grew up with the tradition of arranged marriages. Over ninety percent are arranged in the modern way, it’s widely accepted.
Thankfully, for Kishore’s sake, his parents recognised their son was an independent soul, he was different – a leader not a follower. He wanted his own life, his own wife.
He imagined if he had stayed in India, what would have happened if he had admitted defeat, how his marital plans would have panned out. How delighted his Mum and Dad would have been if they were given the go ahead to find a bride for him. To be given the ‘yes’ they were hoping for from their eldest son in order to start making plans to find a wife. His Mother and Father would take the steps to begin the marital process.
They would start the arrangements in the traditional way and would not be able to successfully hide their satisfaction. Once Kishore had given them the go ahead there would be no turning back. But these days to have an arranged marriage the boy and girl are part of the whole process (a girl and boy in India are called this until they get married regardless of age), where the bride and groom are involved every step of the way from getting engaged to the subsequent wedding.
His parents did not have a modern arranged marriage - it had been traditional in every sense of the word. They met each other only on their wedding day. Kishore’s grandparents would have organised the whole process. His cultural beliefs meant Kishore and his siblings had been brought up with the intention of following this tradition but in a more contemporary way.
He always wondered in a traditional arranged marriage what the couple did once the wedding ceremony was over, when the guests had gone and they were alone. Did the two strangers who were now husband and wife, look at each other and say, “How do you do?”
As Mr and Mrs they’d go through the process of getting to know each other, discovering each other’s good and bad habits. They would become friends first and love would follow. Kishore had experienced many of these weddings, some in real life but these days mostly in the movies. It was part of the bride’s role to look bashful and modest on her wedding day, which was probably not hard for her to do since she did not know her husband to be. She would be extremely frightened. In fact most of the time the bride looked miserable and invariably cried. She cried while she was getting dressed in her bridal sari, sobbed softly when taking her wedding vows and wailed loudly when it was time to leave her family. Kishore didn’t like to see women cry - he didn’t want this for his wife on his wedding day. He remembered hearing snippets of conversations from relatives and older women talking of how love comes after marriage. They said young people expected too much too soon, especially nowadays. Their traditionally held belief was marriage comes first then love followed.
Kishore was all too aware of the procedure that would have taken place if he had made the decision, if he had said, ‘yes’ to his parents to carry on with his marriage plans. First of all they would become most excited and begin preparations straight away. In any culture a child’s wedding is a special event, especially the first and eldest son of the family. His Mother and Father would eagerly spread the word around the local neighbourhood asking if anyone knew of a suitable girl for their son. If no one stepped forward with a possible match then it was time to advertise. They would compile an advertisement which would contain Kishore’s religion, height and qualifications. It would be printed in the bride or groom wanted section of the newspaper and appear alongside hundreds of other ad's, looking something like this:
Hindu parents looking for a suitable match for their well-educated son. 24 years old, 5’7” wheatish complexion. B-com, working in an accounting firm. Good family and strong cultural values. Serious enquiries only, (early marriage requested).
Please reply with recent photo to.…
Over the next few weeks hundreds of letters would arrive by post from the parents of prospective brides. Traditionally caste was a significant part of the bride selection. A person from a higher caste may want to but in fact should not marry a person from a lower caste. Knowing the caste from the surname is an important part of the match, a honourable family with standing in the community is most important.
Her parents would write a letter of introduction, giving a detailed description of their daughter and highlight her best attributes. Kishore with his Mum and Dad would eagerly read each and every letter and scrutinise her photo, which would also be enclosed. Her image would be captured at just the right angle, to show her at her prettiest - perhaps she would be called Manisi or Divya. Kishore would secretly hope while studying each photo that he would find a girl that resembled his favourite Indian actress Padmini Kolhapure.
Once they had all agreed a short list would be decided on.
Meetings would then be arranged with each girl on the list, usually a morning or afternoon tea at the parents house of the prospective girl. She, looking like a delicate flower would hide in the kitchen - she was not to make her grand entrance until everyone was seated in the living room. When her Mother secretly signaled her she was to carry in the tea tray. This was her moment, her only chance to make a good first impression. She would try while smiling sweetly at everyone and setting down the tray, to sneak a sidelong glance at the boy before scuttling back to the kitchen to giggle with her sisters. While the families talked, when the opportunity arose the boy and girl would go outside for a little walk or perhaps to another room for a chat.
This process would continue with each girl on the list and after meeting each one, Kishore’s parents would look at him eagerly hoping their son would say that this girl is ‘the one.' The one to spark some interest inside him, the one he had found a connection or charisma with. Of course the girl would have to feel the same way.
Once mutual attraction was evident he would be permitted to go out on a few dates with her, permissible only with a chaperone present – an Aunt, Grandma or younger brother or sister. If, at this stage, Kishore and the girl decided they were right for each other an astrologer would be consulted. Each of them would give him their place, time and date of birth and the man would consult his charts to see if the couple were compatible for a long and happy life together. If the charts were not advantageous, that would be the end of the relationship. Alternatively, either side could back out at any time. But no matter what was decided there would be no forced marriage.
Once the couple were given the go ahead by the astrologer an engagement or ring ceremony takes place. The bride and groom, in front of family and friends exchange rings and officially announce their plans to marry, an extravagant party would follow. This would be the first time the couple meet with extended family and friends so the bride-to-be and groom-to-be dress to impress.
Kishore knew from the many weddings he had attended that wedding arrangements are an extremely extravagant affair. However, planning cannot take place until the astrologer is once again called to consult his charts and pick an auspicious date for the wedding to take place. If this date is not agreeable then the couple will have to wait until the next favourable date which could be months or even years away.
If money is no object the wedding would be a magnificent affair as with western nuptials. In India, thousands of people can attend a wedding, with the ceremony and partying lasting days, sometimes a week, the more OTT, ‘over the top’ the better. Love marriages do happen but they’re few and far between, although as time goes by love marriages become more popular.
Kishore knew he didn’t want an arranged wedding for himself. He was a complete romantic at heart. He wanted love, the kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat, the kind of love he had seen in movies. The hand on heart kind of love when a man and woman look deep into each other’s eyes and know they’re meant to be together.
Kishore also knew he wouldn’t find that kind of devotion in an arranged marriage. He wanted to meet a woman and fall in love the western way. He wanted a woman who would love him for himself.