2.
Lovers Defying War
I often thought, looking back, that our story could have very well ended right there: when I ran after the truck and joined her on the way to the front line. If I hadn't done that, it would have remained just a simple memory of passing each other by. I sometimes wondered, during the many years of her being lost to me in the world, what if our story hadn't started in that forest when we hardly knew who we were and what we were doing with our lives? I wondered if I could have been the same person, had I not met her then. I had been uncertain of many things about myself until I encountered her. She had brought that absolute and undeniable liberation to me - to be exactly who I was. It happened in the same way a man who's condemned to be hanged is saved by a girl who agrees to love him. She saved me from the mist of not knowing for sure if I might be accepted as myself, or what I deserved in life, as far as love was implied – and how I would confront the world and its wars to afirm or defend it. She cleared that from me forever, in the same way the clouds lifted of the mountains and drifted from the clear blue sky, dissipating into eternity. Her love had seen and lifted my soul with undeniable certainty. I ascended to a level of confidence that there was so much more to life than I'd imagined. Everything was possible, any miracle could happen, each day was a gift. There was no way back after loving her: I was free to be myself in a new discovered existence and nobody could take that away, ever again.
Before I met her I didn't care if the war hit me with a bullet. The moment I found myself running out of breath to be with her, that decisive moment defined the rest of our story and my involvement in the war of life. As I was sitting in the truck, happily holding her hand, not caring about anything else that was going on, I knew we had started on a new path ahead of us and we were inseparable, no matter what. Life and the war would contradict me many times after that day, but I was still right about it, beyond everything. There was a meaning to us being together that surpassed the war that was going on. An everlasting universe of infinite light appeared between us, overwhelming in intensity, anytime we looked at each other. It was something so right that kept the battle far away, even if we were in the middle of it.
When we arrived at our destination we were already tired and sleepy.
The camp was high on a plateau, surrounded by tall trees, but it was much colder than the forest below and there was also snow everywhere. We jumped down from the truck and then just stood there, holding hands, looking around. We didn't know what was going to happen, what was ahead of us or what unknown danger could have tumbled down from the rocks and mountain tops that seemed much bigger and closer to where we were. I held her hand and felt her fingers tighten the grip around mine. We were together and that was what mattered most.
“Get inside the tents! You'll receive white camouflage uniforms, because from now on we're hiding in the snow”, the officer announced.
The camp was made of big white camouflage tents that barely kept out the cold air. We got our new uniforms and went to find shelter inside. We chose two bunker beds, just as we did at the barracks: mine at the top, hers sheltered under it. We didn't talk very much, as we were sipping the soup from the cans that were distributed around.
And then I asked her, as I was staring down into the bowl of soup: “Did you mean what you said, at the gate?” She looked confused.
“What exactly, from what I said?”
I smiled. I needed to light up the atmosphere.
“About the book of poems. Was there really a book of poems under the tree?” She suddenly smiled and her eyes brightened instantly.
“Now you'll never know, will you”, she said playfully, with teasing irony.
“I'll go back and check it out tonight.”
“Don't you dare.”
I finished my soup and put down the bowl, then I stood up, looking determined.
“I'm going right now.”
She glanced at me a bit alarmed and grabbed my sleeve.
“Ky, sit down! I'm serious!”
“I want that book.”
“You're nuts, they won't let you!”
Then she saw my smile and shook her head, letting go of my sleeve and running her hand through her hair, with a deep breath of relief. “I almost believed you! You scared me.” I sat down next to her, still amused.
“Don't worry, I'm not going... not right now anyway.” “It's not funny”, she added.
“I guess I'll have to write that book myself and give it to you one day.”
“I'm sure one day you will.”
She looked in my eyes and smiled again. And there was a deep confidence in the light of her stare, something so absolutely certain, as if she believed in me and my words beyond anything. I was amazed at that confidence and stood there mesmerized, immersed in that moment that took us to a higher realm, above the war, above everything. Years later I would remember that light in her eyes and yearn for its unspoken miraculous truth.
Outside, the sound of running boots on the frozen rocks became a rush of shouts and hasty noises, metal and wood, crates and screeching equipment in the snow.
Someone came in the tent, rushing us out:
“Let's go! We've got a mission to do right away!”
In front of the tents there was a group planning to go up the snowy ridges.
“The enemy intercepted our transmissions and sabotaged the convoy of supplies down the mountain. We need to blow up their radars.”
I was chosen to go, since it was my specialty to install or defuse explosive devices.
Seloren remained by the tents. She was asked to help prepare the first aid tent for the wounded, in case there would be any.
I grabbed my tools and left with the mission group, climbing the steep snowy rocks. It was almost sunset and the snow refected the colors of the horizon, pale shades covering the silent ridges, huge teeth of stone rising to the sky. Over the edge we saw a high antenna, surrounded by a barbed wire fence.
“Get down” the officer whispered.
We lay in the snow, feeling to cold get to our bones.
“Move slowly. We must cut through the fence and blow up that junk.”
That junk was actually a steel tower. It didn't seem to be guarded, or so we thought.
We started crawling towards it when the first bullets few through the air. The sound of scattered snow was worse than the gunshot. You could never know where the next hit would be.
“Get back! They've got a sniper up in the clifs!”
We rolled quickly over the edge. A few more bullets hit someone in the leg. The sound of broken bones was followed by his screams. We grabbed the soldier and dragged him back to camp, leaving a trail of bright red spots in the snow. Someone had to stay behind to cover up the tracks.
“We'll try again after it gets dark”, the officer said frowning and we were left waiting for the night hours.
When we returned, the camp was under alarm, from hearing the shooting guns. We took the soldier to infirmary. Seloren was there, waiting to deal with the situation. I only saw her for a moment and we exchanged glances. She was a bit worried, but didn't say anything aside from “Be careful”. I didn't want to add to her worries, so I just let her do her job, as she got busy immediately.
At night the mission was on again. We went back to the radar up in the cliffs. When we got to the edge of the mountain ridge we paused. I didn't expect it to be entirely my responsibility, but I was chosen again to take action.
“You go alone from here”, the officer told me. “We'll cover you in case they notice. We've got the machine guns ready.”
I rolled in the snow, down to the valley. The sense of danger was making my ears pick up the slightest noises. I wished there could have been owls instead of that swishing sound of the snow. Darkness could have hidden one sniper or ten of them as well. I tried not to imagine the guns pointed in my direction. My heart was racing in my temples. The snow was completely dark: not blue and not even shady. The moon remained behind clouds. I had a sense I was being watched. I stopped and listened. I was sure I could hear the finger on the trigger behind the cliffs. Then the bullet came through the air, flying by my head. I put my face in the snow and my hands above me. I stood still for a few seconds: I knew if the sniper had night vision, I wouldn't stand a chance. The valley would expose me, had I moved. Breathing in snow for a few minutes, I decided there was no way back: I could only advance. So I started crawling slowly. The bullet had been random. I was almost sure it had been fired without night vision. Then a second bullet hit the snow near me. I rolled over quickly: only a few meters to the fence. Another bullet missed me and I was by the wire, cutting it fast. My hands were trembling a little. I was afraid I'd never see Seloren again. I crawled under the fence, running to the steel antenna. I took of my backpack with the detonation devices and placed them in the snow. My position was inconvenient for the sniper. I realized they had been shooting from only one angle. I was suddenly angry at the war itself. “Politicians start wars and lovers have to end it” I thought bitterly, as I was connecting the wires. I didn't want to miss my chance of being alive to enjoy the love I'd just found, only because of some irreversible feature of human race that needed constant confrontation and conflict. “We should be better than that, but we never were, in our entire history”, I thought and clicked on the countdown detonation switch.
I had to get out of there faster than I had come.
As I rolled in the snow, the bullets started flying by again.
“Come on, hurry up!” the others shouted from beyond the ridge.
Then the explosion fared in the night and deafened our ears. The steel tower leaned and fell over in the snow, among flying debris and flames. We didn't have time to stay there and enjoy the victory. Bullets were roaring from everywhere. There was no point firing back in the dark, at unseen enemies. We headed back to the trail.
I didn't even feel the burn on my right temple. I was so determined to stay alive, I hardly noticed I had been hit. It was only when I got to the camp that I saw the blood dripping by my ear. I was sent to infrmary and as I entered the tent I smiled at her, relieved to see her eyes again. I was so glad to be alive, by her side.
She was instantly preoccupied.
“Sit down here, please.”
“It's nothing. It's just a scratch”, I said simply.
“Yeah right, if you say so. Sit still.”
She wrapped my head in a bandage, with delicate and careful gestures.
“The crazy brave soldier”, she smiled in the end, grabbing my collar in her hands and staring in my eyes.
“I'm not brave” I said.
“I'm just lucky to be here.”
“Shut up...”
She leaned and kissed me. I felt her hand go behind my neck, as her fngers went through my hair, stroking it gently for a second, which turned me on, sending a thrill through my spine. As I was sitting down, she almost sat on my lap. We were alone in the tent – for the moment anyway. She moved to get closer, breathing in silence. I let her do whatever she desired. I knew she was moving, while her hands touched my legs. I looked up in her eyes, but she spoke in a low voice:
“It's better you don't look.”
“Ok, I won't.”
I wondered if she was going to take of something really soon, but then there were voices outside the entrance and she retreated at once. I got up. The powerful desire still lingered around us. We went reluctantly in different directions, the space between us like the deep water of a lake, reverberating with magnetic power.
It was close to midnight when we returned to our quarters. The camp had to turn of all lights, so we just stood there in the dark, in our bunker beds, under the rough blankets, ready to fall asleep. It was cold. I was sure Seloren was awake. “Seloren... are you sleeping?” She yawned.
“Not anymore now. What?”
“I don't know... I wonder... It doesn't matter.”
“Did you wake me up just to be silent?”
She raised her head, resting on one elbow and looking up.
“Say it, Ky. What's on your mind?”
“Do you think we'll be together after this?”
“I want to see the war over first“, she replied, not answering my question. “I hope it's just an episode and we'll get on with our lives.”
I remained silent. I didn't know what her words meant, so I didn't say anything anymore. I wondered if I was just an episode for her too. I wondered if her life was a sequence of separate distinct episodes and she was eager to get from one to the next, leaving behind any past experiences. In the many years of her absence I would often remember those words: “just an episode”... and I would be haunted by them, resigned to accept that version of our story, that my love didn't matter to her.
She sensed that something was wrong. Her voice became softer: “I was so anxious waiting for you today. I hoped you'd be back safe.” I still didn't say anything. She continued:
“Ky? Tell me a poem. Poems are a good remedy against anxiety. And they're a
better alternative to this war...”
I thought about the poems I knew. “I wandered lonely as a cloud...” She laughed.
“Come on, not that one.”
“Don't you like Ode to the Daffodils? I learned it in school, in English class.” “You're good.” I smiled.
“I know, right? How about No man is an island?” “I'm not sure I want to know what follows.” “Okay, here's a better one:
somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond any experience, your eyes have their silence: in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me or which i cannot touch because they are too near”
Seloren was listening, but I didn't continue. She inquired: “And then? ” I confessed:
“I forgot the rest, but I like most the last line: nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
That's E.E.Cummings.”
“ Let me guess: English class again?”
“Yeah. What about you? Can you recite a poem?”
“I don't know... I only know lyrics from some songs.”
“Those are good enough.”
“I'm not reciting anything. I won't compete with you... You're the master of words.”
“That's true. Yet you're the science expert. The camp relies on you to find a cure for the damaged troops.”
“It gives me anxiety to think about it.”
“You can focus. I'm sure you're doing very well.”
We stood there in the dark, thinking in silence. And then I heard her again, in a different tone:
“Will we ever get home?”
“Sure we will”, I said and I wanted to sound certain of it.
She looked up. I could feel her bright eyes in the night, fixed on me, shining intensely.
“Ky...? I'm cold. Please come here, next to me.” As I was hesitating, she added:
“Please ... for us. I wish we could get away from this place and be alone together. Yet this night is ours anyway. Please come here. Do it for us...”
Her words “for us” convinced me instantly. It was an irresistible invitation and the idea of “us” melted my soul in a blink of an eye. The soft yet decisive and pleading tone of her voice was also impossible to say no to. Her desire was implied, steady and so overwhelming it couldn't be concealed from her eyes, even in the dark. She seemed more daring than me, taking that risk in that big dorm where we weren't alone. I suddenly didn't care who else was around us anymore.
I took my blanket and stepped down, slipping under the covers next to her. We stared at each other for a moment.
“Roll up above me”, she whispered.
I covered her body with mine, staring in her half closed eyes. She let me kiss her endlessly, slowly breathing together. I held her and she melted in my embrace, anticipating it as if since forever. Our embrace awakened in my soul an infinity of unspoken and unwritten poems, the most poetic anyone could envision with the eyes of the soul, more than words would be able to capture - for what was poetry anyway, other than the art of unfolding the meaning, writing the unwritten and wording the wordless significance only to redefine it speechlessly, erasing words into infinite awareness and absolute amazement... being alive, inspired by absolute bliss.
The next morning arrived with sunlight over snow, making it dazzling bright.
We woke up confused and sleepy, as if we were just arriving on that mountain from another planet. It was hard to leave that warm embrace to step out in the snow, but we had to do it.
On that day we were told we had to wait for new orders. So we were rather free around the camp. I was given a small notebook with blank pages and told to make a list, to estimate how many land mines we might need to secure the camp around us. I measured the area, counted the steps, figured out the number. I sat down in the sun, made the list, then stared ahead, at the blank pages in front of me. I was tempted to write something. I wanted to write a poem for Seloren, but my mood was not lifted enough after thinking about the land mines. So instead, I started writing a story about the war and two teenagers falling in love.
Seloren was just coming from the infirmary tent when her eyes spotted me scribbling in the notebook. She was immediately interested. She came closer.
“What are you writing there?”
“Oh, nothing important.”
She grinned with her usual irony.
“Yeah, I bet... Let me see!”
“Not yet. In a minute. It's a story, I have to finish it.”
I had to hide the notebook behind my back, as she was peeking at it, fascinated by my handwriting.
“Let me see, please.”
“I'll let you read soon. Just a minute more.”
“Okay then, I'll wait.”
She found the trunk of a tree nearby and sat down in the sun, her head back, closing her eyes as the light was warming her face. I looked at her, suddenly more inspired and I started writing faster. When I ended the story, I handed her the notebook.
“Here, you can read it now.”
She opened it and as soon as she started reading, she was totally captivated. She smiled, then laughed, then ran her hand through her hair, from time to time raising her eyes to look at me with a mixture of amazement, surprise and enthusiasm. At one point, tears started streaming down her face, rolling across her delicate skin, and I simply stood there, completely stunned, speechlessly watching the way she was affected by what I had written. It perplexed me how much it changed her feelings, overwhelming her with emotions. In the end, she looked at me with her clear eyes full of tears, yet still smiling, a smile that brightened her entire being, as if her soul was overflowing. I couldn't have described her at that moment: it was a sight that words could never portray.
“When did I die for you?” she asked me simply, with such love in her voice that I instantly regretted that ending.
I was already sorry I made the girl get shot in the narrative. At the time it had seemed more significant to show that war had devastating consequences, but I already wished I had written a happy ending instead. Years later I still wished I could have given it a different perspective.
My answer was just as inconclusive:
“You didn't die, but metaphorically speaking, we began another chapter when we came here.”
She kept staring at me with that admiring light in her eyes. I was glad she had enjoyed the story so much, despite its final downfall that I couldn't change anymore at that point, even if I wanted to.
“This story was written for me”, she said very convinced, as if she knew that truth better than myself. “I don't think you realize that, but you wrote it for me. I don't think anyone else would understand it the same way, or see its meaning. Can I have it? Can you give me this notebook?” I smiled.
“Sure! You can keep it.”
As much as I wished I had chosen a different ending, I was however glad that it made her happy to have it. To my amazement, she seemed absolutely thrilled to keep the story. She held the notebook to her chest, as if it were a treasure, and placed it carefully inside her backpack.
We didn't have enough time or permission to enjoy each other. Seloren wanted to be alone with me, and I felt the same, but we knew we had to wait until the war would be over. The army made our schedule and forbid our interaction. Yet we found a way to be together, even under the strict surveillance of the officers. When we were lined up in the morning we made a habit of giving each other folded scribbled notes, with messages that were like little secrets that we carried with us through the day. Our love surpassed the world around and we shared it as if our complicity was invincible, unbreakable, magnetic and everlasting, influencing us each day to be peaceful and happy, in an undercover correspondence, an exchange that gave meaning to our lives. We went on endlessly about it, keeping us connected even when we were apart. I read her messages with delight: I need you or I miss you, I was thinking of you yesterday, let's go to a hotel and get a room away from here, what if we could get away together, or even let's do it in the bathroom – that one surely made me smile. We imagined we could be free to do as we wished, which was to share that love that we had to camouflage from the army by easily sneaking around with it, as others were unsuspecting of how deeply we felt and how close we dared to be together, under the ongoing scrutiny and orders.
If we ever got married, I think it would be cool to go to parties and act as if we're just getting to know each other, pretend we're falling in love all over again. We'd be shy, holding hands, as if we're discovering each other once more, taking our time with that, Seloren wrote on a piece of paper. Let's get an apartment together, she wrote another day and I imagined what it would be like, a serene, peaceful place where I would be with her, as I couldn't get enough of her presence.
I enjoyed reading her fantasies, drifting in dreams we created for each other. It was like a coded game, speaking about a possible future as if it was waiting for us, coming very soon. I also wrote longer letters for her, about how much I wanted us to get away from the war and travel together wherever we would like, wherever the road would go.
It was all we had: dreams of a future where we could be free to love each other. The feeling was so real and we were so convinced we would be undeniably and irreversibly together, that we felt invincible against the war.
One day she confessed to me:
“With you I learned that love is love, no matter who you love or where you are. Love is the same, no matter what.”
I didn't think our love was like any other, but I was glad she considered she had understood something important, a truth of life that was revealed only from our being together. If she thought that love could exist no matter what circumstances it faced, then we had a chance for the future.
We thought we would forever share that feeling, defying everything.
However, it wasn't as everlasting as we believed it would be. One day I had to go on another mission to install mines in the snow, around the area of the camp. When we came back we found the camp torn upside down: in our absence the tents had been devastated.
Seloren was gone from the camp. The enemies had tracked us down, avoided the mine traps, shot the guards, stolen our equipment and taken the medical unit as prisoners. I was overwhelmed by the fatality of the event. Somehow, I thought it was my fault: not placing enough mines around the camp. I felt as if I was being punished. I blamed myself for not doing my best to keep her safe. I suddenly realized that my life would never be the same without her. I could not see myself go on in her absence. I was pacing around the torn tents, feeling I would go mad if I didn't do something immediately.
“We've got to get them back! We should go right now!” I shouted desperately to the others.
“Calm down, soldier! We'll search for them, but we can't do it in daylight. We'll wait for the dark.”
I had to wait.
It seemed like centuries until the night came.
We tracked the signal from the stolen equipment and went over the clifs, to the broken antenna. We stopped at a distance. Everything seemed too quiet. The silence was hiding something: we could sense danger. Something was not right. And then we distinguished a silhouette in the snow: Seloren was tied to the broken antenna, at the sight of the explosion. I felt my breathing stop and my heart froze instantly.
“Give me the binoculars!”
I looked through the night vision lenses: there she was. Seloren was tied to the broken metal structure, her hands behind her back. I noticed something else: a belt of wires around her waist. I put down the binoculars, almost ready to jump and run towards her. The officer grabbed my arm:
“Be careful, soldier. It's a trap.”
“Let me go! I can do it, I can defuse the explosives!”
“They want you to go there. They might detonate it the moment you get close.”
“I don't care! I have to try. I can't sit here and do nothing!”
The officer looked at me. I was too determined. I couldn't sit and wait any longer.
He let go of my arm, so I moved ahead in the snow.
I rolled downhill as fast as was physically possible. At that moment I felt the boundaries of my strength become surreal, my resources endless, my energy fueled by the night above. I expected bullets to fly by, but there was only silence. The silence was worse than guns.
Seloren saw me approach the broken metal tower. Her eyes glistened in the dark.
“Don't come any closer! Stay there, Ky!” she whispered alarmed.
I didn't listen to her. I kept moving, crawling, rolling until I was near her.
I saw the countdown timer on her belt, the screen with red numbers running fast.
“You can't defuse this. They made sure of it. We'll blow up.” she warned me.
“If we do, at least we blow up together”, I said through my teeth and I examined the wires, intensely concentrating on their color stripes: blue and yellow or red and green? It had to be red. It could have been yellow. The darkness made it difficult to distinguish. I looked up at Seloren.
“Are you scared?”
“Yes...”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then you shouldn't be scared.”
I glanced at the wires again. The colors were confusing. My hands were trembling. She trusted me, but I didn't trust myself. I couldn't tell her that.
“Two minutes”, she announced.
“No problem. I've got this.”
I thought I would take a chance: cut the blue or the red?
I couldn't ask her.
“Roses are red, violets are blue...” I said to myself. Seloren smiled.
“Are you nuts?...”
The countdown had one minute left. I tried to make a decision.
“The grass is green, daffodils are yellow...”
“Ky, we've got thirty seconds!...”
“I know.”
“Twenty!”
“Okay, okay!”
I closed my eyes for a moment. Green, yellow, red, blue... and then I cut the wire.
I waited. The countdown had stopped. We were still alive.
Yet I had one more problem to solve. I looked at the other timer: approaching fifty seconds fast. The wires were both black. That was more difficult: I could only guess. I decided not to.
“Listen”, I said, “I'll cut the rope from your hands first and then the buckle of this belt. When I tell you to run, just run as fast as you can, okay?”
She nodded, unable to say anything. I took out the knife and cut the rope that was keeping her tied to the metal bars. Then I sliced the buckle of the explosive belt she was wearing, taking it of her back. I knew there were less than ten seconds left.
“Run now!” I yelled at her and she started in a frenzy towards the top of the hill.
I threw the belt high up in the opposite direction and tried to jump away from that tower. By the time I took the second leap I heard the belt blow of in the air, a rain of flames and burning sparks above me, like fireworks coloring the snow.
I don't know what happened next.